He squeezed her fingers and kissed them, and then let himself out.
She sat there for a long time and then wandered aimlessly around her apartment. She snuffed out the vanilla-scented candles she’d lit earlier to create a romantic setting to help her enjoy her time with Devin. They hadn’t helped.
Going to the kitchen, she put some water on to boil for a cup of tea, then stepped to the small table by the doorway where her telephone, a small plant, and message holder were neatly arranged. She felt too numb to cry. She felt like screaming.
Feeling the pain of telling Marty and Devin good-bye and the hurt of Peter’s casual dismissal, she finally lost it, sweeping everything from the table with an anger-filled hand. Ripping the HOPE ring from her finger, she threw it across the room and sunk to the floor.
Tucking her knees into her chest, she cried like she had never cried in her life. Every sob filled with the pain Peter’s absence had left; and with the anger she felt toward God.
I’ve been faithful to you, God, haven’t I? I’ve waited patiently for seven years for you to bring the right man along. I’ve worked with teenagers and led Bible studies and told others about you whenever you’ve asked me to. I’ve been a loving daughter and sister and friend. I’ve treated the children you’ve entrusted to my care with compassion and respect. Haven’t I?
So why this? Why three boyfriends in three months? Why have you asked me to say good-bye to every one of them? Why give me the strongest desire for the one I can’t have? I’m confused. I don’t understand this, God. I don’t know if I can hold on. I don’t know how much longer I can walk this lonely, heart-wrenching road.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Lily did not go to church the following morning. She could not bring herself to get out of bed until almost ten, and even though she had time to get ready for the eleven o’clock service, she simply had no desire to go. Her deep faith that had led her to let go of Peter two weeks ago, now felt like it was choking the life out of her.
Depression held her under its cloud most of the day. Other than feeding Meow, cleaning Tweet’s cage, and watering her thirsty plants, she didn’t do much. She didn’t understand anything anymore. She didn’t understand God. She felt more alone than she ever had in her entire life and began to wonder if Peter was right about there not being any Divine, cosmic plan; that she had let her silly beliefs keep her from having happiness in the here and now. All God’s promises that she had been clinging to for so many years seemed blaringly false.
She considered taking matters into her own hands and calling Peter. Surely he had to be missing her. Perhaps one phone call from her would be enough to break his stubborn will, and if not, maybe she didn’t care if he believed as she did. What good did it do to keep trusting God if it only led to this? She didn’t think the sacrifice she had made was worth this much pain.
Unable to miss the youth program that evening because of her commitment as a leader of one of the small groups, she went at the usual time and tried to put on a happy face. Josie asked how she was doing. She pretended she was fine. Talking about her feelings wasn’t going to change anything.
That night sleep eluded her once again, but this time she felt God gently bringing her back. She resisted at first. All day she had felt empowered with the thought of taking control of her own destiny. She didn’t need God to tell her what to do. She could figure this out for herself.
No, Lily. Trust Me.
The tears came once again. I tried that God, and look where it got me. First I hurt Marty and now Devin. And Peter still doesn’t know you. What difference does it make if I obey you or do things my own way?
I have a plan, Lily. Trust Me.
You call this a plan? I call it a fiasco. I call this being at the bottom of the pit. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I want to follow you anymore. What good has it done me? Is this what you call doing what is best for me?
As if dumping a load of evidence of His faithfulness on top of the blankets until they spilled over onto the floor, God began to remind her of His hand in her life. Waves of evidence of His grace over the years came flooding into her mind, overwhelming her with undeniable truth.
Her family, her friends, her career--all directly from God’s hand; His unconditional love and forgiveness; Blessings upon blessings; The hope she had in a hopeless world; The joy she had in despair; The grace God had extended to her, and the eternal promises no one could take away.
And she also began to realize what a blessing it had been to not be in and out of relationships over the last seven years. Being alone may not be easy, but not as difficult as being hurt by selfish men over and over again; not as difficult as being passed from one man to the next, searching for someone to truly love her, like she knew many women experienced. She already had her First Love, and He was never going to leave her heart crushed and empty.
After two weeks of wrestling with God, and the horrendous accusations she had made against Him in the last twenty-four hours, she finally surrendered her spirit, shedding more tears and feeling Him welcome her into His comforting presence: His familiar and constant love. Her heart belonged to God. He wasn’t going to let her take it back.
Getting out of bed, she rushed downstairs and flipped on the light in the kitchen. Crawling on her hands and knees, she searched the floor for the HOPE ring she had tossed aside last night. She hadn’t wanted to look for it earlier. Spotting the silver band against the wall beside the refrigerator, she grasped the ring and put it on her slender finger, taking a deep breath and feeling whole once again. She wasn’t going to shut out all hope now.
And at that moment, the moment she surrendered everything to the Lover of her soul, she heard God speak to the deepest part of her heart. The part only Jesus could reach. A voice she knew she could not ignore.
Wait for Me, Lily. I will do this. Peter is Mine.
The following day God provided yet another gentle reminder of his faithfulness: a letter from Marty. Taking the mail to her apartment, she fed Meow first, but then immediately took the envelope, sunk into a chair, and read Marty’s words:
Dear Lily,
God is so good. On my way “home” I was sad about leaving without you. I understood the decision you made, and I wasn’t bitter about it, but I did feel somewhat lost and alone. To compound the feeling, on the flight across the ocean the seat beside me was empty. I kept thinking--she should be here. Why isn’t she, God?
But then the flight into the mountains was incredibly rough. The small plane’s engine was having problems, and I thought we were going down several times. Again I imagined you by my side and heard God whisper, “Lily will thrive best where I have planted her.”
At that moment I realized this is not where God has planted you. This is my field, not yours. Almost immediately the plane righted again, and we had no further problems. I got off the plane with a peace only God could give in not having you with me.
When I think about you now, Lily, I don’t think about what might have been, I think about a beautiful flower that is blooming right where you have been planted. Don’t ever stop listening to God and going where He leads. He has made you beautiful for His glory, and the last thing I want to do is hinder that in any way.
Whenever I find myself thinking, ‘If only Lily were here,’ God gently reminds me that He is. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that until now. When you told me your decision, I went home thinking--’Lord, why did you give me feelings for a woman I cannot have?’ After many weeks of self-pity and whining, I finally realized the answer: The passion you stir in my heart, the desire I have for you, the absolute joy I experienced whenever we were together--that is the way I need to see God. Not as someone I serve, but as the One who moves me, as the One I don’t want to be without, as the One I love with reckless abandon, as the One I would sit out in the cold for hours waiting for. And a relationship that had reached a plateau is suddenly on a steep rise once again.
Thank you for being obedient to God when neither of us wante
d you to be. For through your obedience, God has stirred my soul once again.
Love,
Marty
P.S. I’ll leave you with these words of Jesus that have become dear to my heart. They are taken from Matthew Five of The Message:
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.”
“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.”
Lily laid the letter on the table and wept. God had known exactly what He was doing when He told her to let Marty go. Neither she nor Marty understood it at the time, but now they knew, at least in part, why God had brought them together and then separated them once again.
The letter also confirmed in her heart what God had told her last night. She knew His voice. The same voice that had told her to let Marty go had told her that Peter belonged to Him. She didn’t know how long she was going to have to wait, but she knew it was going to happen. He had promised her, and she had to trust Him. The deepest part of her heart, the core of her being wouldn’t allow her to do otherwise.
Lily thought about what Corrinne had said the night of the Valentine dinner, and she knew she should write Marty in return. Going to find some stationery, she took the letter into the living room and wrote her thoughts freely, sharing about what God had been teaching her.
She debated only a moment before telling Marty about Peter, finding it easy to share her heart with her dear friend on the other side of the world. She asked him to pray for Peter and for herself, that she could wait for God’s perfect timing.
***
“Hello, Jillian,” Lily said, welcoming another member of their Bible study group into her apartment. Jillian had brought brownies tonight to share, and Lily took the plate from her to put them in the kitchen for later.
The remainder of the gals arrived within a few minutes, and the group spent some time chatting before getting around to doing the study. Three weeks had passed since her day of living in the depths of despair, and she hadn’t looked back since. Every day she felt God upholding her and reminding her of His faithfulness.
“How are you doing, Lily?” Tracy asked for everyone to hear. All eyes fell on her. The others were anxious to hear if she had anything new to share. She had told the group about Peter three weeks ago and had asked them all to pray for him.
“I haven’t heard anything,” she said, but didn’t let her faith falter, even for a moment. Without a doubt in her mind and her heart, she knew God was at work in Peter’s life. Now all she could do was exactly what God had told her to do: Wait on Him.
The study that evening generated a lot of discussion as usual. They were talking about a subject familiar to all of them: Making decisions. The study pointed out that God gives us different ways of knowing what He wants us to do. Sometimes circumstances will guide our way, sometimes other people that God places in our lives, sometimes our own planning and logic, and other times planning and logic must be tossed out the window and replaced with blind faith.
“The key,” Corrinne said, “is to remain close to God’s Heart. For when we are close to His Heart we will always know what method He wants us to use, and He will never lead us down the wrong path. Never.”
Lily had experienced that truth first hand many times in her life and especially over the last few weeks. She wasn’t seeking the answers God had for her concerning Peter and their future together: How long must I wait? How is God going to do this? Am I praying enough? Should I call him?
Instead of asking those questions, she had simply resigned herself to seeking God’s Heart. Nothing could stop her from knowing Him as deeply as she wanted to know Him. She didn’t have to wait around for God to get His act together and notice her. He was already here, anxious to meet with her every day and shower her with His peace and joy and love. She immersed herself in His presence. Daily.
Before they went to their prayer time, Tracy had one more question for Corrinne. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I have something on my mind, and I’m wondering if this lesson might apply.”
“That’s fine,” Corrinne said. “That’s why we’re here.”
“Do you think there’s any way to go back and fix a bad decision?”
“Well, that depends on the situation,” Corrinne replied. “Do you mind sharing some specifics?”
Tracy seemed hesitant but went ahead and explained. “About four years ago I was dating this guy, and he was great. At the time I took him for granted because I hadn’t dated much and assumed most guys were like him. Since then I have discovered otherwise,” she said, sounding as if she’d had her share of less than ideal relationships.
Tracy was a pretty young woman, and Lily supposed she had plenty of men asking her out on a regular basis. Once again Lily was reminded that might not be as great as it seemed. Tracy sounded weary of the dating game.
“Anyway, I was afraid of getting too serious with him. I was only twenty-one, and he was a few years older. I sort of let him go without much thought, but now I’m wondering if that might have been a huge mistake. He’s been on my mind almost constantly lately. Do you think that could be God trying to get me to go back to him?”
“Possibly,” Corrinne said. “Have you prayed about it?”
“Some. I’ve felt a little weird asking God to bring him back into my life. He’s probably married by now.”
Everyone laughed. Corrinne encouraged Tracy to keep praying and wait for God’s leading. “I think He’s more than capable of bringing the two of you back together if that’s His will. Do you want us all to pray for you?”
Tracy nodded. “Definitely. This might seem crazy, but I have this really strong feeling about seeing him again, even though I have absolutely no reason to believe that.”
“Sometimes that’s when you know it’s from God,” Lily said softly, thinking about Peter. “When everything else is gone, you feel it, and it’s so real you can taste it.”
“That is so true,” Jillian piped in. “Don’t give up. You never know what God is going to do next, but you know it will be amazing if you trust Him completely.”
Lily was encouraged by Jillian’s words. Jillian was the oldest member of the group and had been divorced for several years. Lily knew she had experienced some major pain in her life, but since Jillian had come to know God a few years ago, she had given all her heartaches and struggles over to Him and seen Him do some amazing things.
“Let’s remember Lily and Peter in our prayers this week,” Corrinne said, writing down their names in her notebook. “And Tracy and...do you mind sharing his name?”
Tracy smiled and her whole face lit up as she replied. “Devin. His name is Devin.”
Lily did her best to contain her smile, eventually rising from her chair to go grab the brownies. She didn’t know for positive that she and Tracy knew the same Devin, but it seemed rather likely. Devin was not a common name, and the story he had shared with her about the Tracy he had dated four years ago sounded very familiar.
Not wanting to say anything unless she knew for sure, she decided to wait and talk to Devin first. The following afternoon she caught him in his room before he left for the day. They hadn’t talked since the night she had told him about Peter. She had been hoping they could still be friends, but she hadn’t tried to force anything. Today she had no such qualms. Walking right up to him, she blurted out the words before he even had a chance to react to her sudden presence.
“What’s Tracy’s last name?”
“Tracy?”
“You know who I’m talking about.”
“Reynolds,” he replied tentatively. “Why?”
Her widest smile emerged. “I knew it!”
“Lily, what is this about?”
She laughed, feeling giddier than she had in weeks. “She’s in my Bible study. She was at my apartment last night!”
He raised his eyebrows. “Lily, that was over a long time ag
o.”
“Is that the way you want it?”
“Not particularly,” he said, walking to his desk and rolling up his sleeves. “But I wasn’t the one who walked away.”
“She wants you back.”
He lifted his eyes and stared at her. A cautious smile played about his lips. “How do you know that?”
“She told us last night. She said she thinks she made a mistake in letting you go, and she’s been praying for God to bring the two of you back together!”
“Does she know we know each other?”
“No. I never mentioned you to any of them. It never seemed appropriate, and now I know why.”
“Do you think I should call her or something?”
“Yes!” she said, handing him the number she had already copied down for him last night. “Call her, Devin! She’s been praying for you.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
“Okay, Max. You sit down in the chair and sing with Paul and Becky. And then when the song is over you say the lines we’ve practiced.”
Max walked toward the stage prop and sat down in the cardboard car. He giggled. “Max is in the car!”
Paul and Becky followed, getting into the “back seat”. The music began and Mrs. Stewart prompted them to begin at the right place. Paul and Becky started singing. Max put his hands over his ears and laughed. “The music is on!”
Lily shook her head from the base of the stage and couldn’t hold back a smile. They had been preparing their class play for the last six weeks. Today and tomorrow were their dress rehearsals with the actual props and painted scenery surrounding them on the stage instead of practicing only in the classroom.
Lily Fields (Garden of Love 1) Page 17