“Ok, let’s go” I said as I neared Jerry. I put my hands up in that defensive position with my left fist in front just as my Daddy taught me and I see boxers do on television.
Well if I was going to do this, I would give it all I had. I moved forward aggressively and threw a flurry of punches. Some did connect with him in his chest but most of the punches missed. He threw a few punches at me, one that hit me on the chin with a glancing blow and then we both got into it in earnest.
He had longer arms than I did so he could punch me when I could not reach him. I tried various strategies to get close enough to punch him solidly. The one that seemed to work the best was for me to back up and lure him into moving forward. When he does this, I move quickly forward. This put me, suddenly, within his defenses so I could reach him. The couple of times I did this I was able to get in a few punches to him that surprised onlookers and me too. In the end, however, he hit me with a right cross that opened a cut over my left eye that gushed with a lot of blood, and the fight was over.
The victory went to Jerry, so John walked me home. John seemed very excited about how the fight went, except for the part about me losing.
“Some of those punches were really great. If you could have kept that up, you would have won the fight. Why didn’t you?”
“I just got too tired and, besides, he had longer arms than I have,” I replied.
“You know, you did pretty well. All the kids were really surprised!” John said.
“I’m sorry I lost,” I replied, as I held my blood soaked handkerchief over my eyebrow with my left hand. John stayed a few more minutes and then departed for home.
Luckily, my Mom was out for the evening with her boyfriend. I kept pressing on the cut until it stopped bleeding then put some iodine on it and covered it with a Band-Aid. As I thought about my embarrassing defeat, I thought about what I should have done differently during the fight.
What I did not realize at the time was that I would never have to fight most of the kids who watched that fight. I guess, like all bullies, they simply do not want to get hurt. The fight did teach me that I was getting a little better at fighting, but it did not prevent the awful fear from coming back. That ache in my chest, groin and thighs was there, as always, when I woke up the next morning. As for the cut, I just told my Mother that I fell off my bike. I do not want her to know that I have to fight a lot. It will only make things worse.
I thought a lot more about fighting better after that. I know that I am now more than willing to do whatever I can to keep people away from me. If that means I do not have any friends, either, that is OK, too. I decided I had to do two things. First, I needed to gain more weight because I was still too light to fight a big person. Right now, I was still too light, even though I had gained some weight recently. The second thing I decided to do was stop bathing. I figured if the smell of me was as bad as I could get it, it might keep some of the Bullies away from me. My few friends might not like that either but that was OK, too.
One day, weeks later, I am lying in my bed trying to go to sleep at bedtime and I had a startling thought. I had been through one whole day of traveling to school and back with lots of class work, pedaling my papers and no one had hit or punched me! I was very surprised, and told myself I would remember this great unusual day for the rest of my life. Imagine, one whole day without even a spanking! I wish every day could be like that.
The next day, I have two fights and never had a completely violence free day after that. There seems to be always something that spoils it, like a spanking from Elaine, Ernie, Mom or Grandma. Turning fourteen that January was a big event because I knew I had made it through what was definitely the worst year of my life. I pray fervently that I can make things get better this year. They certainly cannot get any worse. Life has changed for me so much recently that it feels like I am in someone else’s body.
When I was born fourteen years ago, and began my life, even with the suicide and death of my Father, life, as I remember it, was a great deal better than it is now. I cannot imagine anything worse, but looking back might help me remember how I got to this strange painful place.
Chapter IV – Looking Back - The First Three Years of Life
I was born a few months ago to loving parents that take very good care of me. I love my mother and my father is my hero. I am lying on my back on one of two twin beds in our bedroom. My father, dressed in white Navy pants and athletic strapped T-shirt is crouching in front of the tall dresser near where I am laying and looking for something in the bottom drawer. It is hard for me to see him; I have to strain very hard on my back to look over to watch him. Suddenly, he yells at mother to help him find what he is looking for.
“Marguerite, where is the top to my white uniform?”
“I don't know John, have you looked in the dresser?’ Mom yelled back from the other room.
“I'm looking in the dresser now, and it's not there,” Father shouted.
Getting up from his crouching position at the dresser, Father walked rapidly out of the room. I can hear them talking in the other room but I could not hear what they were saying. Father is complaining about something; Mom is just trying to calm him down. I did not want him to leave the room because I like watching him. I try very hard to move my body but all I can move is my feet and hands in the air. I wish I could move myself around like my mother and father. Maybe I will be able to when I get bigger.
My Daddy will be going away again soon. He is in the Navy or something and travels on those big boats. There is something called a war still going on and Daddy had just finished two tours in the Navy when it started. We are living in a town called Endicott, New York. Recently, Daddy tried working at IBM as Grandpa does, but did not like it and did not “fit in”, so he went back into something like the Navy called the Merchant Marines. When he is gone, my mother and I really miss him because he is very important to both of us. Mummy might be having another baby soon and I will have a brother or sister.
Grandma and Grandpa live close by and they really love me, too. My Mom also has two sisters, Mary and Elaine. My favorite is Mary, because she is always excited to be with me and laughs a lot. She also has red hair like me. Elaine, Moms other sister, has this big boyfriend called Ernie. He likes to hold me too, but he is not very gentle. I really love my family, but especially my Mommy and Daddy. When Daddy is not around, Mommy takes me to Grandma and Grandpa's house a lot, where I am the center of attention. Grandpa is the leader of the family, but I can tell that Grandma Nell is the real boss, because Lawrence, her husband, does whatever she tells him to do, even while complaining. Life and family is fun, interesting and exciting.
Six months later
We are now in the next year and in a while, it will be my birthday, and I will be one year old. I can crawl now, but cannot walk yet. Daddy is still gone a lot but comes home occasionally. Mom and I miss him a lot. Things are so much better when my Daddy is home. He makes Mommy much happier and nicer than when he is not. She just seems so anxious, and I can tell she is always thinking about him. We have our own home on Harrison Street. However, when Daddy is not in town, we spend most of our time with Moms parents, at Grandma and Grandpa's house. We eat there almost every night. Grandma and Grandpa are always asking Mom about Daddy and Mommy reads parts of his letters to them.
Grandma and Grandpa have a nice life. Grandma does all the work around the house all day, while Grandpa is out working at IBM in something called a “machine shop". Every morning Grandpa gets up about 6:30. Grandma has breakfast on the table at 7 AM for Grandpa and we can eat too if we are there. Then Grandpa walks to work dressed in his white shirt, suit and tie about 7:30 AM. IBM is only a few blocks away. Every day, Grandpa arrives home at 5:30 PM and Grandma has dinner ready, most of the time, when he walks in the door. Then we all sit down and eat. I have my own nice chair with a tray on it, and Mommy feeds me Gerber baby food. I like it a lot.
A big thing is happening in our family this year. It is October, my Mo
m just had another baby and this time it is a girl so I have a baby sister. Mom says I will be her “big brother” but I am still not very big. I like having a sister but Mom is working all the time taking care of the two of us and she keeps saying how much she misses Daddy. I miss him a lot too.
A Year Later
Daddy is home with us now. He came back from going on those long boat trips with the merchant marines and opened a local business with a friend of his. The business is something called a “Bar” and Daddy is very excited about it so he spends a lot of time there. Mommy wishes he was home more and tells him so.
I can walk now and just got a new tricycle from Daddy. One day, I was out in front of the house on the sidewalk riding it, and a kid from next door, who is bigger than I am, came over to look at my new bike. He wanted to ride it but I told him no, so he pushed me off my bike onto the hard concrete, and rode it up and down the sidewalk with a big smile on his face. I did not know what to do and was really scared and hurt from falling when he pushed me so I ran into our house and told Mom and Dad that he took my bike.
Daddy got very mad, came outside and took the bike away from the big kid. He put the tricycle on the front porch and took me inside. I did not want to go inside because I wanted to ride my bike some more. When we got inside, he told me that I should have knocked that kid off the bike, and not let him take it away from me, and said he was going to teach me how to fight, whatever that is. Daddy used to be in something they call the “Golden Gloves” and boxed with other sailors when he was in the Navy.
"You come with me, we are going downstairs in the basement so I can teach you something,” he said. He went on to say,
” You have to learn how to defend yourself so no one can take your bike away from you again. Here, let's put these on you.”
He put those very big heavy leather things on my hands that he called “gloves”. They were so heavy I could barely lift my hands with them on. He put some gloves on his hands too. Then, he squatted down with those big gloves on his hands and told me to try to hit him. When I did not, he struck me lightly a few times. I did not want to hit my Daddy, so I started to cry.
All of a sudden, my Mom opened the door at the top of the stairs and said,
“Stop it, you are hurting him.”
“Marguerite, it’s time he learned to defend himself, and that is what I am going to teach him,” Daddy replied.
When he started to yell at my Mommy, and he was not looking at me, I felt a strange new feeling in my chest and I swung the big glove on my right hand with all my strength and lightly tapped him on his nose. He fell back, surprised and started to laugh. I dropped the gloves, crying, and ran up the stairs to Mommy. When I looked down from the stairs, he was still sitting on the concrete floor grinning.
Later that afternoon, Mom said to Daddy, “Don’t you hurt Patrick again, he is still a baby”.
“It is a tough world out there, Marguerite, and I ought to know it! It is never too early to learn how to fight if you want to be a man, and that is one of the things he has to learn.” said Daddy.
“You leave him alone. Do you hear me? Do not hurt him anymore! He will learn how to take care of himself when he gets a little older. He isn’t even three years old yet.”
I was very scared to hear them talk to each other like that. I thought I would never like this thing called boxing or fighting. I don’t want to do it ever again.” At that time, I had no idea what a large place “fighting” would be in my life, or how correct my Father’s statements were.
One night Mommy was waiting for Daddy to come home for dinner he was still not there when dinner was ready, she decided that we would go to the bar, and ask him to come home. She packed Lauren and me up with our things, put us in the car with her and drove over to Daddy’s place. When she walked in with me, we went to the bar, behind which Daddy was standing, and she put me up on a big barstool while she held Lauren and spoke with Daddy. While she and Daddy talked, two big men started to pay attention to me. One of them poked me in the chest with his finger. I got scared and started to cry.
“What are you doing to my kid?” Daddy yelled. He then walked around the bar and came over to the men.
“Hey, nothing. We were just playing with him.”
“Leave him alone, Assholes. Get out of my bar”, said Daddy. His face was all red.
“No need to get so riled up, Mister,” said one of the men.
“Outside or I will Fubar you right here!” Daddy yelled. He was mad.
Both of these men were much taller, but he went out the front door with them.
Mommy got very upset. When Daddy came back inside, his face was all red and he had blood coming out of his nose. He was still furious. Mom picked me up, walked outside to the car with Lauren and me and took us home. She told me later that that he had lost the fight. I could not believe anybody could beat my Daddy in anything. Daddy was very quiet for few days after that when he came home and they did not talk much. Now, Mommy seems sad all the time. When he is home, she is always talking to him about his habit of not coming home until very late when we are all asleep.
“Why do you have to stay there every night until two in the morning?” she said.
“If we want to make any money at all, I have to stay there until closing time. I am just doing what I have to do,” he said.
“Why can’t your partner just close up? He does not have a wife and family to go home to, “Mom said.
“Either my partner or I have to be at that bar all the time or someone will steal from us.” Daddy said.
“I do not like to be at home alone in the evening by myself,” Mom said. “I have two babies to take care of and I need some help from you. How can I possibly take care of two children twenty-four hours a day when I am always alone, with no one to help me? It’s just not right.”
Months later
I just had my three-year birthday last month and walking around the house is fun, but I am still a little wobbly. I can still crawl faster than I can walk. I am getting used to the adults and the way they talk to me sometimes. Almost everybody, especially outside my immediate family, talks to me in "baby talk.” Sometimes this makes things even more confusing, but they all think I am dumb so they keep doing it. I have already figured out that it is a good idea to pretend that I cannot do certain things, even though I know I can. One of the things I have been practicing is how to open a door. It takes two hands and a lot of concentration, and I can do it, but only on certain doors because some doorknobs are just too slippery.
Daddy and Mommy seem to be arguing with each other all the time, now. Mommy said to Daddy,
“You never help me with any of the work around here! You do not even get the groceries. I have to dress up two kids and take them both with me just to get food.”
“Stop it woman. I can’t help that I have to work all the time! If my business is ever going to work out for us and make money, I have to be there,” Daddy said.
“No you don’t. You and your Partner could take turns.” she replied.
“It is a big place, and it really takes us both to make it work. He is in the kitchen and I take care of the bar,” he replied.
“You ought to get a real job, where you can work decent hours like my father, Lawrence,” she replied.
“I’m never going to work for a company like that again, and don’t intend to. This is it, so get used to it.”
Mom was quiet for a while and then finally said, “I am leaving you and taking the kids with me!” Mom said.
Dad got a strange look on his face that was a combination of sadness and fear. Then, the look changed into anger and he replied, “If you want to, just get out, and good riddance”. He stormed out of the apartment.
Mommy threw things into a suitcase in the bedroom and took her hanging clothes out to the car. Then she came back and grabbed Lauren and I. Holding Lauren in her left arm and taking me with her right hand, we leave the apartment, get in the car, and she took us to Grandma and Grandpa
's house.
Entering the small house where Grandma and Grandpa lived, she said to Grandma,
“I’ve left John, and I don’t want to be with him anymore, at least until he gets a real job.”
“Oh, My gosh, sweetie, you poor thing,” said Grandma.
“Can I stay with you and Dad for a while?” Mom asked.
“Of course you can, Marguerite, you and the kids can use the guest room.”
“Thanks, Mom, I really appreciate it”, Mom replied.
“We can put the rollaway bed in the room so Patrick can sleep there. You and Lauren can share the double bed.”
“What will Dad think?” Mom asked.
“He will be Ok, this place is a little small for the six of us but we will make do.”
I am very afraid and I miss my Daddy already. Daddy is my whole world, my hero and I cannot imagine living my life without him. Mommy is wonderful and I love her too but my Daddy is so powerful and wonderful and I need him because I am going to be a man someday. He is the most important person in my life. My grandfather is a nice man too, but he is usually very quiet. My Daddy has that special smell, brown curly hair, all those hard muscles and he loves me.
About a week later, Grandpa had already left for work, Mary was at school and the three of us were having breakfast at the kitchen table, when Mom said,
“There are things that I have to get that are back at the apartment.”
“What things do you need? We have everything that we need right here”, replied Grandma.
“I got everything I need out of my bedroom, but I did not get my kitchen items, especially the ones that I had for years in my hope chest”, Mom said.
She went on, “I need to do this right away or it may be too late“. Can you watch the kids today while I go over there?”
“No, I can’t today because I have a doctor’s appointment and I planned to go out today with my friend, Margaret,” Grandma said. “How about tomorrow?”
“I just don’t want to put it off because I may lose all my things, if I do,” Mom said.
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