ADDHD, Asperger's, autism or other disabilities
I also had ADDHD, which went undiagnosed until fifty years later. Looking back, I can see it was a very costly handicap and did make me appear “different” and therefore a likely victim of bullying.
Overweight or underweight
After I intentionally gained weight as a child, I found this was also another focus by many to regard me as their inferior.
Lower economic status per clothing or other signs
Current culture enables young children to set themselves apart from other children by wearing expensive clothing, running shoes, jackets, etc. Children from middle class families may not dress as well as their elite appearing peers and this could make them targets for online, verbal or physical bullying.
Communicate with your kids on a regular basis
Begin with open end questions of who, what, where, when and why
My mother did not have any idea of what was happening in my life as to the bullying, intimidation and violence until, at the age of fifteen, she witnessed me almost strangling a big kid to his death in my front yard. She led a very challenging life as a single mother working full time at a low paying job. If she had asked me questions about my life on a regular basis, at least weekly, she would have learned about this activity years earlier.
Educate them about sex at an early age
How babies are made and why
The new feelings from puberty are very confusing to a young child, especially when combined with the other feelings of terror and depression from daily violence inflicted. Enabling the child to understand that the powerful feelings of puberty are for a different purpose will clarify the issue for the bully and the victim.
Helping the child understand the purpose for these powerful feelings is critical. They must understand that these emotions are part of the plan to promote the union between a male and a female to procreate the human race. The main challenge to the author as a child was to make sense of why all of this was happening in my body. After I learned, why it was happening and what sex and making love were, life began to make sense and the bullying became a separate issue.
Give them an understanding about what is right and wrong in life
The Ten Commandments, or other religious guidelines
One of the best positive issues in my story was that, no matter what my anger or rage was against the bullies or disgust with life, I knew it was wrong to kill them or myself. This guidance alone probably saved my life and the life of others.
Why character and honesty will work for them the rest of their lives
Being under duress as a child, pushed my mind into many possibilities about how I would lead my life as a child, teenager and adult. The preaching from the Sisters about ethics was a very necessary part of my education. One particular statement that stuck with me for life was an often-repeated statement by various Sisters, “When you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, are you going to tell yourself, I am going to be the best liar or thief I can be today?”
Determine the child’s skill sets and encourage them to pursue them
Attending school, facing bullying by other students and family led me to believe that there might not be any point to continuing to live through this torture. When I surprisingly found out that public speaking was a talent, it made me more confident and curious as to what other skills I might have that could make living my life more interesting and controllable.
Let them know things get better after grammar and high school
The difference between my experiences at school in New York State was extremely different from my experiences in Massachusetts and Arizona. After leaving my hometown, I had no known social ranking in my new community and people began to know me as the person I was. I never had a fight while finishing high school after leaving my hometown.
If necessary, enroll them in a different school
The pack animal culture of grammar school was very concerned with status and ranking. Even when new children came to the school it was easy for them to understand where the local bullied children were in the ranks. My experience was that my severe bullying lasted from fifth grade (age 5) to the sophomore year in high school (age 15). The customs of the school culture continued, even though I was in more control after I learned to fight back effectively, until I fortunately moved away to a different state and a new high school. This was the best thing that ever happened in my young life.
Look into local customs and their impact on the bullied and bullying
Be alert to teachers’ attitudes regarding bullying as well as their beliefs regarding interrupting this process when they witness it.
This is not just “kids being kids”. As portrayed in this book in the detailed thoughts of the victim, it is a destructive process with lifelong negative consequences to your offspring.
Discuss with the children that Bullies have problems and that is why they bully, to compensate for their insecurity, fear, and cowardice
Bullies, in my opinion, are trying desperately to compensate for their low opinion of themselves as well as to achieve a higher image in the eyes of the bystanders. They are trying to compensate for the fear they have in their own life it by inflicting violence on others. After I discovered this when I was approximately twelve, I created a strategy to take advantage of this fear by turning my fear into anger and fighting back regardless of the pain inflicted upon me. I found that if I caused the Bully to feel any level of pain they would possibly cease bullying me. At the least, the incidences of bullying decreased rapidly after I learned to use aggressive defense tactics.
The Elite and Jocks from Grammar and High School do not do well in life
The popular kids in grammar school and high school who everyone else wanted to be may not do well in their lives or careers unless they go on to college or get advanced degrees. Education appears to be the greatest differentiator in status and independence later in life. The quest for status through high school is meaningless afterward.
Bullying is against the law
As a child, I knew that violence inflicted on adults by other adults was against the law and could not understand why I had to deal with violence every day, usually in plain sight, when these same Adults had laws protecting them. Today, law enforcement seems more aware of the fact that bullying breaks the same laws and these laws also apply to children. Kids being kids is no longer an excuse for Adults failing to intercede. This applies to parents and all bystanders.
Education is the key to happiness and success
If you go back to your reunions for the classes where you were the victim of bullying, what you will find is that the bullies, for the most part, have not done well. Most likely, the same qualities that made them the insecure, demonic, threatening, intimidating persons they were in elementary and high school did not prepare them very well for life and they did not pursue a college degree.
Higher education creates a much different attitude as to what is important in life
However, just putting in the time and getting the degree is not the most important benefit received. Just the exposure to the vast array of information that is available at a University is enough to bestow humility on those new to higher education.
As the years in school move on, the conversations about obtaining this knowledge is enough to restructure how to gauge the relative importance of fellow human beings. As you will discover, the most important qualities of your importance as a human being are not the same ones as they were in grammar and high school. The adults that do not go on to higher education may still think these same qualities are important but that is why they will, most likely, not do very well in life.
Bullying in adulthood is based on image, education and how you express yourself
To be certain, there is still bullying that goes on in adulthood and in the workplace but for the same reasons on the part of the Bullies. It is still the same quest to overcome their fear of non-importance. However, education,
knowledge, research and hard work can generally overcome these bullies because they may not make this effort.
Do not allow family members to discipline your children
A great deal of bullying can go on within the family
My experience with family is that it has its own “pack mentality” with everyone struggling for their rank and importance. My view of it as a child was that, “The louder you are the more important you are”. Family encounters may end up being negative discussions about other family members. Somehow, this makes the family rank seekers feel more important. This naturally translates into brutal disciplinary action toward the children that, somehow is entertaining for certain family bullies.
Prohibit all family members from disciplining their children
If issues do arise, the parent should weigh the seriousness of the infractions and personally discipline their child appropriately. Do not let family bullies discipline your children, or they may walk away from family forever, as I did.
Discipline by family members may link your children to their bullying experiences
After several years of experiencing bullying at school, it was easy for the author as a child to see that bullying was ego oriented. When the pecking order participants in his family seemed to be personally rewarded from their behavior, it seemed that all bullies were the same, family or not. In the author’s family, in his teens, he identified four family members that he considered bullies, like all the rest of them. The most obvious strategy for dealing with bullies is to avoid their presence. In applying this technique to family, in order to avoid one bully, the victim must avoid the whole family. After identifying them as bullies, that opinion was to last the rest of his life.
Attitudes formed by children due to violence will be permanent
According to so many, bullying is simply harmless or “kids are being kids” but the results of this trauma will last a lifetime.
My struggle for many years to “turn fear into anger” is still with me more than fifty years later. In addition, there are certain, mostly uneducated men that are still trying desperately to assure themselves that they are “real men”. With age comes the greying of hair and other signs of the aging process. The male machismo oriented insecure uneducated adult may interpret these signs as indications of weakness.
This senior citizen, in recent years, has had, after fifty years of nonviolence, three separate incidents of threatened violence. The reaction of this much older child was the same as it would have been when he was fifteen. In each case, the bullies backed down because they knew they were going to suffer pain if they did not. Bullies are always cowards, no matter what their age, family or not.
I would have preferred not to have those experiences with bullying for ten years as a child. If my Mother or other family members had interceded with the bullying before I arrived in my teens, I possibly would not have had to live with the results of this lifetime impact on my mental attitudes and personality. You as a parent, teacher, bully or victim of bullying, now know better.
The End
Bullied Page 20