by Kuhn, Steve
Cutty quietly snapped, “Shit! What we gon’ do?”
I held Lilly as she asked JC, “Where did they all come from.”
JC moved his lips to answer, but I interrupted them. “Your shooting. Your shooting brought them here.”
I was pissed, I can’t lie—still am pissed—but I shouldn’t have said that. I mean, fuck JC’s feelings… I don’t care how he takes it. Lilly shouldn’t have to feel guilty about it, though. It wasn’t her fault that JC had his head placed firmly up his own ass at the time. Regardless, she frowned deeply and said, “I knew you and Cutty were mad at me.”
JC held up a hand and said, “Fine. I get it, but we’re beyond that now. There’s too many to handle, and who knows how many more are in the woods or on the way. Kick my ass about it later. For now, it’ll have to wait.”
As JC made his way to his feet, Cutty asked him, “That’s it? What you gon’ do?”
JC smirked, kissed Lilly on the head, and told her, “I’ll be back in a few, kiddo.” Then he looked at me and Cutty. “I’m going to run.”
Before we could figure him out, JC dashed off directly towards the cabin and began shouting and whistling at all the dead. One of the neos turned to him as it picked up on the noise and began to pursue JC, snarling and groaning. In seconds, the others were also following. He disappeared into the woods with almost the entire group in tow, leaving behind only a few stragglers.
Cutty watched JC with his jaw hanging open and managed to stammer, “That crazy…”
“Motherfucker?” Lilly offered. “It’s ‘crazy motherfucker,’ right, Cutty?”
Cutty looked down at her and said, “Don’t say da ‘F’ word, baby girl. That’s one we gon’ keep fo’ da grown folk.”
She nodded as Cutty made his way into the clearing and kicked one of the remaining geeks to the ground. He hacked into its head, spilling brains and blood into the lush grass that surrounded the cabin. In seconds he had dispatched the last three.
When we opened the door, Kylee started in on me again with, “What the hell happened out there? Are they gone? How many?”
I didn’t feel like hearing her shit. I just came back here into the bedroom and shut the door. Let Cutty explain this shit for once. I’m over it. Bottom line is that the herd from the business park has no doubt changed direction, and Murphy stepped out long enough to watch for the birds. They’re coming, and we gotta go. If JC doesn’t make it back by the time we’re outta here, that’s on him.
I hope he gets what he deserves.
Entry 117
I don’t usually ask for forgiveness from God, because my faith has always been questionable. In fact, on the rare occasion I do find myself asking the invisible, bearded man in the sky for guidance or whatever, I almost always feel guilty about it. Like, what kind of fair-weather asshole does that make me to only call on the dude when I need something? Any other time, I’m arguing against the presence of a higher power altogether.
The only answer I have for that is that perhaps I’m hoping I’ve been wrong all this time and there really is someone up there (or out there) somewhere waiting to make himself known to me. Truth is that I’m scared shitless that the day will come when I die and I may actually have to face a judgment of some sort. So, every once in a while I give it a shot. It’s a lame insurance policy, I know, but at least it’s an effort. Anyway, if You’re up there, Big Guy, I want You to know that I’m sorry for saying what I said about JC getting what he deserved. I was just pissed off.
JC made it back to the house as we were loading up to leave. He had managed to lead the bernies away to buy us some time, but he was limping terribly. We helped him carry his gear to D-Prime and the jeep before returning to lead the prisoner to the trailer. We didn’t really have time to say much until we were back on the road. Cutty and Kylee were ahead of us in the jeep. We put Alyse, Hook, Lilly, and the prisoner in D-Prime’s trailer, and I sat in the cab of the truck with Murphy and JC. When we had some distance between us and the herd, JC told Murphy to pull over.
Murphy joked about having to take a piss break already as he brought D-Prime to a stop. Kylee and Cutty pulled over and backed up to close the distance between us, and everyone bailed out. JC walked calmly to the trailer and threw open the doors, telling the others, “Come on out. We have to talk.”
With our entire group gathered around him, JC drew his pistol and handed it to Lilly. She held it cautiously yet comfortably just as he had taught her. “End of the road for me, folks,” he told us all bluntly.
Cutty eyed him skeptically and asked, “Da fuck you mean ‘end o’ da road’?”
JC answered him calmly with, “Things ain’t exactly goin’ to plan, Cutty. This is where we part ways.” Kneeling on both knees, he turned his attention to Lilly and took a long look at her. Brushing her hair from her face, he sat for a long moment in silence with his eyes misting over slightly.”
“What’s wrong?” Kylee asked. Her voice shook with nervousness.
JC sighed heavily and lifted his shirt to reveal a nasty wound on his left side just under his ribcage. It was covered in dirt and seeping blood slowly. “I got tripped up out there when I twisted my knee, and one of ’em landed on me. What else can I say? I’m bit. Game over.”
The reactions from everyone came swiftly and were exactly what you’d expect. Kylee and Alyse both gasped, while Cutty and Murphy shook their heads in disbelief with their mouths hanging open. Hook simply slumped back against the trailer and lit a joint.
That was when my heart dropped into my stomach and I felt the twinge of guilty fear burn through my entire body. It felt like those times when you did something shitty and your mother would be like, “Wait until your father gets home!” Then, you sit there all day with a knot in your gut like a nervous wreck.
Kylee covered her mouth then reached a hand out to comfort him, but he just waved her off. “Shit happens, right, guys? Hell… never thought I’d see the day when Dext Baxter outlived me,” he said, chuckling nervously before his smile faded into more of a desperate grimace. He shook his head to clear it and resolved himself. We all sat there in stunned silence.
The only one who didn’t react at all was Lilly. She just stared at him with an angelic, childlike innocence and asked, “So? Kylee got bit. Maybe you just need Alyse to fix you up.”
Alyse stepped up as if called into action, but Hook grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back. “None of our concern, Alyse. He knows what’s gonna happen.”
She stood down as she was told; her emotions were taking over. She offered a silent apology to JC before burying her head in Hook’s chest.
Putting his hands on her shoulders, JC told Lilly, “Lil, Kylee’s different. I’m not like her. She’s… special. And that’s why I’m putting you in charge of keeping her safe. Do you think you can handle that job?”
Lilly nodded solemnly and sniffed loudly in an effort to hold back tears. JC told her, “No tears, Lil. You’re my tough girl. I’ve taught you everything I can teach you, honey. You’re ready for this.”
Lilly shook her head and protested, “No, JC. You can’t go!” Her bottom lip quivered as she struggled to be strong for him. “You’re my best friend! I don’t want you to go!”
He pulled her in and hugged her tightly, kissing her on her forehead as he let her go. “We talked about this, Lil. Pretty soon I’m not gonna be me anymore. I’m gonna be a monster. This is the hardest lesson you’re ever gonna have to learn, but sometimes you have to let your best friends go. Just remember that I’ll always be looking down at you from heaven. I’ll watch your back, and you watch everyone else’s. You got this, kiddo.”
He grabbed the barrel of Lilly’s pistol and pressed it firmly against his own forehead, closing his eyes.
Kylee shouted, “No!” She poked him to get his attention and angrily said, “No way! Not like this. Lilly, give me the gun.”
Lilly shrunk in her own skin, unsure of what to do as Cutty stepped forward to protest along with Kylee. He
demanded, “Hell naw, JC! You ain’t puttin’ dat on her.”
JC looked up at both of them and snapped, “This is between me and Lilly. This is the last thing I’m ever gonna get to be in control of, and I’m going out the way I want to go out! I’ve argued with you idiots long enough about this. Lilly is going to be a survivor because I taught her how to live! I taught her not to be afraid! While you were content to coddle her and hide her from reality.” He looked Lilly right in the eyes and said, “Lilly, you have to do this,” as he placed the barrel at his own head once more.
Lilly stood there with the pistol pointed at JC’s head, shaking and struggling not to cry. He told her, “It’s okay, Lil. Just like we practiced—squeeze slowly and don’t flinch. Let the gun do the work.”
Amidst the protests of everyone around them and the chaos of the shouting, JC and Lilly stood still like a picture frozen in time. Lilly pulled one hand away from the gun’s grip to wipe her nose childishly before replacing it and nodded at JC. She told him, “I love you, JC.”
“I love you too, Lil—”
Boom!
As JC’s lifeless body slumped to the ground, Lilly collapsed and cried hysterically. Kylee scooped her up and held her tightly as Cutty immediately snatched the gun from her hand.
Hook sighed heavily, clearly disappointed, and asked, “What now?”
I told him that we would be burying JC before we moved any further, but Hook clarified, saying, “I figured as much, but I mean, where are we gonna go?”
Murphy spoke up and said flatly, “I’ll have a word with the prisoner while you tend to the body. Kylee, get that little girl inside. Alyse, go with her.”
Kylee added, “Let’s move as fast as we can, alright? That herd isn’t far enough behind us as I would like and I’m guessing they heard that shot.”
It would be nearly an hour before we had JC interred along the side of the road. The others gathered around the plot and stood quietly. Kylee still had Lilly clinging to her. I silently thanked JC for the countless times he saved my ass, and I condemned him for the many times his cowboy ways got us into trouble. As much as I envied him… As much as I hated him at times… I’m going to miss JC—not just in a fight or when the shit hits the fan. I’m going to just miss his presence and the confidence he brought to us all.
We left JC behind us today, and it fucking sucked. I took one last look at the pile of dirt and the small marker we left on his grave as we pulled back onto the road, headed God-knows-where. Perched on the freshly turned earth, forever watching over JC’s remains, sat a small, stuffed dinosaur.
Good-bye, Jon Campbell.
Entry 118
People generally don’t change. Of course, lots of people don’t bother to try. See, one thing that will never sit right with me is that JC actually seemed to try. Back at the gas station, when Kylee was sick, during that run-in with the other group… JC killed those men in cold blood. We can talk shit all day long about how the standoff had escalated to a point where it was them or us, but it shouldn’t have even happened in the first place. JC took what we needed from them in an almost pirate fashion. If he hadn’t have made that move, I’d like to think that no one would have had to die that day. However, if he didn’t make that move, perhaps one of us would have died, namely Kylee—tough call.
Point is, after that day and the aftermath of it, he really did try to be a team player. He began to listen every once in a while instead of talking. He acted like part of the group finally and not as if he was an entity in and of himself. I respected—No… I respect his effort.
When we lost Fool to the accident, JC lost a good friend. I honestly believe that Fool was JC’s only real friend even though they had only just met. Those two clicked. They were a nasty team and thought on a tactical level that only Kylee, or maybe Hook, could understand. I really expected him to fall back into that solo mindset after that. I would have been able to understand it if that was the case. But he didn’t. He manned up.
What was the most shocking thing to me, above all else, was his relationship with Lilly. Far too often I found myself in the same boat as the others, criticizing the things he did—the way he splayed that bernie out in the field and showed Lilly the gruesome reality of the dead and this new world. I rolled my eyes along with the rest as I saw this little girl struggling to find the strength in her hands to break down a pistol for cleaning. Shit, I remember getting pissed the one time the spring came flying out and almost hit me in the face, but JC never lost his cool with her. He showed a patience and kindness towards her that I never thought he could’ve been capable of. I think we owe that to Kylee’s letter.
Kylee addressed all of us in her letter the day she left the community and set out on her own. She implored Cutty to protect us like he had always done. And anyone who has read a single word I’ve written about Cutty knows that he always does his best to ensure our safety. She told Murphy to keep his keen eye for bullshit and call it out whenever it rears its head. That’s what Murphy does—always has. In short, she told those two to just keep doing what they do well, but that wasn’t the case for me and JC. Kylee asked us to change. She told JC to care about someone other than himself for once, and he did just that. He gave everything he had to Lilly, down to his last bites of food.
You know what sucks about that? We never made it easy on him. I can’t think of one single time where I actually sat back and realized that JC was making an effort to put someone ahead of himself. His methods were questionable, but like he always said, “It’s about survival.” What good is a precocious, little girl if she doesn’t live long enough to become an adult? What good is keeping her innocence if her innocence is precisely what gets her killed? And what good are we if we don’t train her with the knowledge we’ve picked up along the way?
This world has always been ugly. I never really saw it until I became an ‘adult.’ I never really picked up on the true horrors of life and the terrible things people did to one another throughout the world. Children are shielded from these things whenever possible. Sometimes, though, the shit is just too deep.
Like, when we used to see ten and eleven-year-olds in third-world countries toting AKs and lobbing grenades at tanks and shit. Americans saw that and shook their heads, thinking, Look at those animals and what they’re making their children go through. I used to think the same shit. Know what I think now? The only thing weaker than a child is an American child. Huddled in the safe confines of our borders, conflict free for the most part, our children became lazy, greedy, and self-entitled; in many ways, so had the parents.
So, what happened when the shit hit the fan in a big way? These doughy, little pricks got winded after running to the end of the block and became bernie-chow. Fuck, man, it never even crossed my mind. I never put two and two together. But JC knew it the whole time and refused to let Lilly be shielded and become weak. He refused to let her be prey to anyone or anything.
JC died a changed man. You may be wondering why I’m even talking about this. Try to understand that JC and I knew each other from the beginning of this thing. He taught me how to sleep high off the ground. He taught me that a gun needs to be kept clean to be reliable. He taught me how it feels to be a burden so I could get better at surviving. He left in the middle of the night all those months ago, but I have to wonder if he came back into my life for a reason. The chances of that happening were beyond slim. I hope I made him proud at some point, because he’ll never really know what he meant to my own survival this entire time.
So, what about me? What about what Kylee said to me in that letter about leading the group and acting instead of thinking? I haven’t figured that out yet. It takes a brave man to enact change within himself. I don’t think I have the balls. Or maybe I’m just overthinking it.
One thing’s for sure. I’m going to back JC’s play with Lilly. If it becomes necessary, I’ll have the arguments with the others about coddling her and hiding her from the dramas of the new world. If anything, maybe Hook will ha
ve my back. If not, I’ll do it alone. And the first thing we’re going to do is get Lilly a gun that’s a little more her size—maybe a li’l .22 rifle, something that she can shoot from a distance accurately.
Anyway, enough of me rambling. Murphy says our stranger told him about some sort of military facility a little further southwest on the backside of Albuquerque. We’ll try and get there in the next couple of days. Apparently, that’s where Kilo was planning on stopping before they moved further towards the coast. I figure I’ll have a word with the guy myself before long.
But first, we’re making a pit stop. There are two things that I always promised myself I’d do before I kicked the bucket. One was to see the Grand Canyon.
The other?
Vegas, baby…
Entry 119
Okay. So, I’m an idiot. Everybody enjoy a laugh at Dext’s expense. Hardy-fuckin’-har-har.
After seeing it on the map, I excitedly told the crew that we were mere miles from Vegas and I wanted to at least plow D-Prime down the strip. Murphy rolled his eyes at me.
I was like, “What? I’m not askin’ to go in any casinos or anything. I just wanna see it.”
With Hook chuckling in the background, Murphy laid the map across the hood of the jeep and pointed to where we were at the moment. Then he told me, “We’re nowhere near Vegas, Sally.”
I scoffed at him and argued, “Psht! Yuh-huh! It’s right here, dumbshit!” I was pointing right at it.
Murphy face-palmed himself and took a deep breath in an effort to remain patient with me. “That’s Las Vegas, New Mexico, you silly shit! The real Las Vegas is way over here… in Nevada!”
I must’ve blushed big time because Alyse told me, “Aww… poor Dext. Guess you’ll have to wait to bet it all on red and let it ride. “