Releasing the hold and turning my back on her, taking a few steps away, I hear her speak and it only proves that what I’ve done is the right thing. Even with me walking away from her, she’s still so out of her mind that she’s turning it around on everyone else.
“Thanks for proving that I was right earlier. You really do have a thing for the stupid mute bitch!”
I’m starting to wonder what it was I saw in her in the first place because what I see right now, is enough to keep me off girls forever.
“You go ahead and believe that, Ames. It’s not my problem anymore.”
The farther away I walk, the more the knot in my chest alleviates. It’s like in some way my body is letting me know that walking away from her, dumping her the way I did is healthy—right even. By the time I turn the corner and she’s completely out of my view, I feel lighter than I’ve ever felt.
There’s only one more thing I need to do, but with the way everything happened today, it’s going to have to wait. I just hope I don’t have to wait too long.
I need to make things right with Cadence.
Chapter Eleven
Cadence
There was this moment last night where I wasn’t sure I wanted to come back here. I knew what would be waiting for me after the failed attempt in the bathroom and I wasn’t looking for a repeat performance.
My mind was so made up that I told my mom I’d much rather spend the next week in the room doing absolutely nothing than go back there.
It worked. She agreed with me. After speaking with Principal Daniels, letting him know what happened to me, she explained that if I didn’t want to go back, she wasn’t going to force me. Even though the girls would be handled, she knew that what they started would only be continued in their absence and she didn’t want me having to deal with it.
Honestly, it was a relief. If I never saw Wexfield High again, it would be too soon. I wanted nothing to do with the way things worked there and even though there were people there I liked and would miss, it wasn’t enough to change my mind. It’s only when I woke up in the middle of the night, the tossing and turning becoming too much to handle and sat down at the computer, logging into my Facebook account that things began to change.
At the top of the screen where friends could be added, there was a bright red one wrapped in a bubble and right beside it, the little message icon was also glowing red. I didn’t think anything about it considering Eric asked me for my info and I assumed now Isabelle or Kayden were too. It’s only when I clicked on the message icon that I found out it wasn’t any of them.
Dylan Murphy
It took me three hours to find you since we don’t have anyone in common, but I need to talk to you about what happened today. Explain or whatever. Please come to school tomorrow so we can talk?
It wasn’t anything major, he didn’t bear his soul or anything, but what he did say was enough. As sure as I was that going back was definitely not the right move to make, there’s something about what he wrote that made it exactly what I had to do.
With that message in mind, I walk the hall now, on the way to the stairs that will take me to the class where I’m going to see him again. As nervous as I am, checking around every corner for any sign of the three girls that turned my world upside down less than twenty-four hours ago, I’m comforted in knowing that once I did reach the class, I wouldn’t be alone. Sure, Dillon might be there and he might want to talk, but Eric and Isabelle are there too and neither one of them will let anything happen to me.
The minute I enter the class I see my mom and she throws me a weak smile, the concern she has over me being here evident in her eyes. When I got up with her in the morning, grabbing my backpack before making my way out to the car, I’d taken her off guard, but after having the drive to school to get used to it, she’d gone along with my decision and hadn’t voiced her fears even though I knew she had them.
Those same fears she’s displaying now without saying a word.
Walking to the back of the room, fully prepared to take my seat, pull out my book and dive into it again, I come to a complete stop the minute I see the folded lined paper in the middle of it. Darting my eyes over to the seat next to me and seeing it empty, I breathe a sigh of relief. I’m overthinking things. With me not being here yesterday, someone else probably sat here and left the paper behind.
Tossing my bag on the floor beside me and sliding into the seat, I pick the paper up and open it, determined to see who it belongs to so I can give it back. It’s only when I see the familiar scrawl on the page and my name at the top that I realize that I hadn’t been overthinking it at all. Dillon strikes again.
Cadence
I really hope you got my message last night and you showed up otherwise this is gonna be a wasted piece of paper.
Shit
Let me start this again.
I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I’ve never done anything like this before and it’s a little messed up. I’m leaving this here super early, before anyone can see because I don’t want to see your face while you’re reading it.
If you hate what I’m saying to you, I don’t want to see your eyes go all dark and hard the way they did after what happened with Eric. I know that look really well because I’m always wearing it.
What happened to you yesterday, it shouldn’t have happened. When you got up and walked away from us, Amy kept saying shit and I got up and left too. I was actually coming to find you. I wanted you to know that the shit stuff she was saying, I didn’t agree with it. It wasn’t what I thought about you or anything.
I know what they did to you after I left. Amy admitted it to me and I hate it. I hate that because I tried to do something, it got twisted and you got hurt.
You’re the best damn thing about being stuck in that class. I did a lot of horrible shit stuff that got me put there and I swear, I thought it was gonna be hell until you started busting my balls. Lol
This is supposed to be all serious and I’m doing my best not to be a jerk and curse, but I keep screwing that up too. If you’re still reading this, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for the letter and all the lines and scribbles and being all over the place with what I’m saying and I’m sorry for what Amy did to you. I brought you to lunch that day because I wanted my friends to meet this cool person I got to spend the class with and I just screwed the entire thing up.
I want to come to class today, see you sitting there, smile at you and have you smile back. I want to be your friend. I hope that when I do show up, you’ll talk to me again. I don’t think I can get through the class without it.
God that sounds so gay. Ugh. I’m just gonna stop writing this now.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
Dillon
Folding the paper back over and placing it back on the desk, I stare at it, as if doing that will somehow make everything I just read easier to take. It’s easy to see that he’s never done anything like it before because there were a lot of scribbles and curse words crossed out. Why he thought he had to speak any different than he always does is beyond me, but there’s no doubt it was awkward.
He wasn’t attempting to be funny, but he was, a lot more than he should have been. It’s half the reason I kept reading even though the stuff he was talking about I didn’t want to think about. What happened to me yesterday is still fresh, so the last thing I need is a reminder, friendly or not.
It’s not the stuff with Amy that gets to me most. It’s the way every time he said something even remotely nice, he had to backtrack and call himself gay or say it sounded stupid. Whatever he’s been through; the person he’s changed into, it’s made him think that even saying something nice is bad and there is something so wrong about that.
It shouldn’t be a bad thing to be nice and whoever told him otherwise needs a smack upside their head because they lied.
It’s been a couple of minutes since I read the words and even now I’m so sensitive to every shadow that passes by me that I
keep looking up, hoping that the next person I see will be him. He said he was going to show up, but do it after I was finished reading. Well, I’ve been done for a while now and there’s still no sign of him.
Even when he does show up I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it. His words got to me because even though he was all over the place, you could easily see how hard he tried with it. He wants to make things right, blaming himself for what happened yesterday and I owe him the chance to try.
This whole thing is awkward. I was supposed to come here, sit silently in the back and mind my business while my mom taught the class, going home with her at the end of the day and repeating the same cycle over again for the next two weeks. I was never supposed to get involved with the people here or even form attachments, but that’s exactly what I did.
I got attached to Dillon Murphy and now that it’s done, the only thing left to do is ride it out until my school is fixed and I can go back to the way my life is supposed to be.
It’s just not something I’m sure I’m gonna be able to do.
Dillon
Something’s going on with me and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
It started last night when I got home and it hasn’t let up since. After spending hours going through every profile I could possibly find until I found the one that would connect me to hers, I sent her a friend request first and then messaged her. I’m not much of a writer, this being the first time I’ve ever written anything on Facebook that wasn’t related to football or perverted somehow and by the time I finished, it was a really long message. After sitting there staring it for an hour, I finally deleted it and went with something shorter.
I spent the entire night stressing over it to the point where I didn’t sleep for shit and finally getting up and making my way down to the kitchen, I put the plan together that I’m now hiding out in the hallway waiting to happen.
Everything I said to her in the original message I was gonna send, I wrote out by hand. Even though I think it looked like shit and if I were her, I wouldn’t want anything to do with it, I left it on her desk, sneaking in before Ms. Taylor got there, hoping that she showed up so it wouldn’t fall into the wrong hands.
The last thing I want is someone getting their hands on what I wrote her. Not because I’m embarrassed by any of it, but because it’s just not something I do. I don’t go out of my way to make a girl forgive me. I don’t go out of my way for anyone period. This is my first attempt at even being civil with someone like her and that getting out would throw my reputation in the toilet pretty quick.
Maybe I am embarrassed after all, if I’m that concerned about the way people will look at me if they saw it.
The way I’m acting, it’s throwing me off. I know that I want to do the right thing by this girl but I honestly have no clue what the right thing is and there’s this conflict inside me over it. On one hand, I’m beating on myself pretty hard because the way I’m coming off looks stupid and on the other hand, I’m hoping that it has the desired effect. I can act sweet when I need to get what I want, but I don’t have a clue how to actually be sweet.
I watched her enter the room, watched the look between her and her mom before she went to her seat and sat down. I saw her pick up the paper and I’m assuming that her eyes scanning over the page means that she’s read what I wrote. It’s time for me to get over the fear and awkwardness I have and enter the class, but I still can’t will myself forward.
It’s the fight going on inside me. I have no clue what sides gonna win and I’m afraid that the minute I sit down, that part of me that wants to do the right thing is going to get squashed and I’m going to turn into the ultimate asshole again. It’s the way I’ve always been and I’ve been doing it so long now that I swear it’s the only thing I know how to do. Being different isn’t even on my radar.
At least it wasn’t until Cadence.
“Dillon, are you going to join us this morning or are you planning to skip again?”
Damnit. Standing here not focusing got me nailed. Now I’m gonna have to explain what happened yesterday and hope I don’t get in shit for it and pay the price for lingering outside now.
“I’m coming in. Sorry about yesterday Ms. T. Something came up that I needed to handle.”
“There always seems to be something with you, Dillon. We can discuss yesterday and where you were later. For now, please come in so we can start the class.”
Doing as she says, I walk in and immediately turn to head to my seat. It’s when I’m about a foot or so away that the girl I’ve been watching for the last fifteen minutes looks up and our eyes meet.
Sticking to what I said I wanted in the note, I smile, even though it’s a pretty weak attempt and my brain goes haywire waiting for her to return it. When she does, my heart and my head settle and I slump my body down into the seat, feeling the ache in my muscles the minute my ass hits the chair. It may have been a couple of days since the fight, but I’m still feeling the pain from it.
I flinch from the impact and a few seconds later, I see a blue paper make its way up into the air.
Are you okay?
With everything that happened to her yesterday, I put a lot of what Kayden told me out of my head, but now, seeing the note and the words on it, I’m reminded again. Where I believed she was just a random girl that didn’t like the sound of her voice, there’s more to it and even more to the notes she’s been writing me. Cadence isn’t like any other girl because she’s deaf.
This would have been material for me to use picking on her before, but knowing it now, with all the stupid changes going on with me, picking on her, it’s the last thing that comes to mind. Her being deaf should prove to me that she’s even weaker than the others, but it doesn’t do that. I’m completely going against everything I know because her being deaf doesn’t mean anything to me.
She’s still the same Cadence she was the first day and I refuse to look at her differently. In fact, I’m not even going to bring up that I know because I don’t want it to change anything that’s already going on between us.
I meant what I said in the letter, I want to be her friend.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I say, making light of the fact that she caught me flinching in pain. Always the tough guy, even when tough is the last thing I’m feeling.
Liar.
There she is. Calling me on my shit again. Exactly what I want her to do.
“Yeah, you caught me. I’m not okay.”
That’s better.
Not knowing what to say back to that, I just smile awkwardly and hope that she’ll say something else that can kick start this conversation. Now that she’s here, getting both of my messages, the last thing I want to happen is for it all to end before we’ve had a real chance to talk. This is the point where I should bring up the letter that’s still sitting in the middle of her desk, sticking out just under her elbow, but I don’t because for some reason, I’m a total pussy and don’t wanna bring it up first.
Run into any more trucks lately?
She smiles as she holds up the paper and I laugh, this time doing it just loud enough so only the two of us are able to hear. The last thing I need is for her mom to catch on. I’ve got a feeling that there’d be another warning coming and this time, not because of skipping class. I don’t need to call even more attention to the way I’m acting with her daughter lately. I’m doing it enough on my own as it is.
“Not lately, no. Still healing from the last one.”
She smiles again and that’s when she lowers her head to the paper in front of her, looking back at me and then pointing down to it, her eyes zeroing in on it intently. Scribbling something on another post it note, she holds it up and this time, there’s a crinkle in her eyes, a brightness that I haven’t seen since she came here. It’s only when I see the words on the paper that I realize why.
You’re forgiven, Dillon.
Seeing those words on the paper, knowing what it means, for both of us, it hits me. The one th
ing I haven’t wanted to admit to, but that I’ve felt for the past four days despite my best attempt not to.
Amy was right yesterday.
I like this girl.
For the first time since I moved here, maybe even before that, admitting something like this, it doesn’t get to me the way it normally would. I’m completely okay with the admission despite knowing that liking her means shit in the long run because when her school is up and running she’ll be gone and I’d still be here going it alone.
It also doesn’t mean anything with the way her mom feels about me. I’ve made quite the name for myself and there’s no way that the woman standing at the front of the room now doesn’t hate me. I’ve more than earned everyone’s hate and I’m sure the teacher is no different.
Knowing all of this, it doesn’t stop me from what I’ve got to do next. It’s because of the way I feel, what I’m realizing that I’m not going to be able to move ahead until I do it. So instead of sitting here and going over it a hundred times and talking myself out of it, I turn to her and do the one thing I’ve wanted to do since I sat down.
“I know it’s a long shot, but um—will you let me take you out for lunch?”
Her head lowers to the desk and I instantly think the worst. The light I saw in her eyes a second ago is gone and there’s something there in its place. Indecision. She’s not sure what the right step to take is even though she’s read my words and interacted with me the way we did from the beginning. Where I would have been pissed at that before, not getting what I wanted from a girl, this time, it makes sense.
If I were her, I wouldn’t know what to do either. I wouldn’t trust a word that’s coming out of my mouth. I want her to trust me though and if she would just say yes, I’ll do whatever I have to in order to earn it, because Cadence, she’s different.
Hear Me Now Page 11