I place my hand on his chest, feeling the same vibration I did the first time we kissed this way and I ache to be able to hear what it sounds like. The intensity of all of my other senses, joining together the way they are as I kiss him back, quickly squashes it until it becomes more than enough. For the first time in my life, even though I can’t hear, everything is completely right.
I’m a completely normal girl; one who’s in serious danger of falling in love with this angry, beautiful boy.
My boyfriend.
Dillon
There’s one thing I’m sure of in my life and with the way everything happened at lunch, the natural high that I found myself on after it was over, I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t.
Nothing that means anything ever comes easy. Any time I’ve been happy in the last eighteen years has always come with a price tag attached. In order to get something great, I need to pay dues doing something that’s not so great and this time is no different.
Well, that’s not exactly true. This time is way different because the thing that makes me happy, the one thing that means something isn’t even a thing at all. It’s a person. The one person on the entire planet that can look at me and see right through me and my tangled web of bullshit. She’s not just a person either, that makes her seem so much less than what she is.
She’s everything.
So of course now that she’s said yes, I’ve gotten everything I could possibly want and I’m walking around with the confidant swagger to prove it, it’s time for me to pay the piper.
The piper in this case being my father.
I heard my phone going off a couple of times when I was at the ravine, but I ignored it because now that she’s agreed to be my girlfriend even knowing what being that means, there was still one more thing I needed to do with her and nothing was going to keep me from it.
The spray paint was a last minute edition. When I planned on asking her to be mine, that never played a part but remembering the rock from the last time we’d been there and how completely devoid of color it was, I thought of a way to change all of that.
Cadence entered my life and in her unique way added color to it so that I no longer felt like the rock that we ended up sitting on. If she can do that for me, then it was my bright idea that we could add color to the rock together. No matter where we went from this point on, whether we stayed together forever or only a few days or weeks didn’t matter. Painting this rock, filling it with color, it means that no matter what happened; this, us, it would never be forgotten.
Where I think she wanted to fight against it when she first saw me holding the can, by the time I explained everything to her, she was more on board with it than I was and by the time we walked away from the ravine and headed back to school, the rock was complete with our names and even though it pains me to admit because I’m the one that did it, a gigantic heart.
Nothing leading up to that moment has ever felt so right, at least it never has for me and it’s a memory that no matter where I go from here, I never want to lose. Something tells me though that even if I wanted to forget, Cadence wouldn’t let me because it means just as much to her.
I saw the messages from my dad when I got in the car, waiting for her to join me to head back to school, but again I ignored them. I can’t ignore them anymore because now, right when we’re about to head into class, he’s not texting; he’s calling and I know what’s going to happen if I don’t answer.
Squeezing Caddy’s hand and watching as she looks up at me with a smile, I come to a complete stop and wait for her to do the same. I’ve gotta take this damn call and the only way I can do that is if I let her know so that she can head to class and let her mom know I’m not reverting back to my old ways.
“My dad’s calling. I need to take it. Can you go in and tell your mom?”
She nods and as she slips her hand out of mine and starts to turn, I reach out to her again. There’s no way after everything that just happened I’m going to let her walk away like it’s any other day. No, this isn’t just some random day and we’re not just two random friends anymore.
Cadence Taylor is my girlfriend and no matter what the people walking around us think, I’m going to treat her that way.
Pulling her back into my arms, I do the exact thing that a few days before had made me sick just witnessing and I place my lips to her forehead before leaning down and brushing my lips against hers.
“Thank you. I’ll be in soon.” I say, breaking away and watching as she levels me with one final smile before turning and making her way down and into the class. It’s only when the door shuts behind her that I breathe a momentary sigh of relief and look back down at my phone.
I’ve got three missed notifications, calls from him and now it looks like I’ve also got a voicemail message too. Deciding against listening to it, choosing instead to just dial him back and pray that he hasn’t lost his mind not being able to get ahold of me, I wait with baited breath as the rings go in.
“What did I tell you about not answering my calls!” his voice booms through the phone, getting right to the point, no greeting to warm me up.
“That your time is valuable and it would be in my best interests to answer whenever you choose to call, sir.” I say, my voice cold and robotic, the way it always is when dealing with Bruce.
“Remember that for next time. I don’t take kindly to having my messages and calls ignored, Dillon. Especially when I know that until about five minutes ago, you were on lunch and not in class.”
Well there goes using class as an excuse.
“I had the ringer on silent, from being in class.” I lie, knowing that it won’t even matter what I say now since I hadn’t answered but still hoping to curb some of his anger before it gets worse. “What’s so important?”
There’s another fight. I already know the answer to my own question and he doesn’t disappoint.
“How are those bruises healing?”
“Another couple of days and they’ll be gone. Why?”
“This weekend, Brody Garner. Same place as before.”
“And if I say no?”
No one says no to Bruce Murphy. Not unless they wanna end up in a hospital room on a ventilator. He’s an angry son of a bitch and it’s only gotten worse lately. I want nothing more than to say no to this and just hang up the phone, but if I want to enjoy time with Cadence now that I’ve got her, saying yes to this is the only way to do it. Bruce won’t let me live at all if I don’t. It’s amazing I’ve lasted this long with his temper.
“Dillon, I don’t have time for your jokes.”
“What time?” I ask, not even bothering to respond to the way he takes my question, jumping ahead to the acceptance part of the phone call. I can’t get out of this, no matter how badly I want to. This is my life and I’m only fooling myself thinking I deserve any other one.
“Six. Unless you’ve got practice. If you do, text me and let me know and I’ll figure it out.”
Telling him I had practice would be the right thing to do right now. It would get me out of this fight or at least prolong it for a little longer, which is as good as I can ask for. It’s just not what I do, because despite my need to get out of this, especially now, I bend to him.
“I’ll let you know.”
Pushing end on the call and looking down the hall, I’ve got a decision to make. With as sick as I feel after the conversation with my dad, the last thing I want to do is go to class and pretend nothing is wrong for the next two and a half hours, but on the other hand, there’s a girl in there; one I just asked to be my girlfriend waiting for me to do exactly that. A girl I promised that I would be different for.
As much as I don’t want to give her a reason to lose faith in me, the decision is easy to make. Turning around, I start walking, as far and as fast as I can from the class and away from her.
I can pretend all I want that I can be someone different, but the reality is, as long as Bruce is my father and I allow myself
to bend, I’ll never change. I’ll always be what he wants me to be; what I’ve been for so long that it’s hard to imagine even trying to be anything else.
I’ll always be the asshole.
Chapter Seventeen
Cadence
When a half hour passes and there’s still no sign of Dillon, I know something’s wrong.
I don’t even try hiding it from my mom when she starts making her way around the room, checking in with the other kids and then making her way over to me. She can see the look on my face, there’s no doubt she knows it’s about him and with the way her eyes go soft and she motions with her head toward the door, I can see that I’m not the only one concerned.
It’s only been four days since his big revelation about starting over fresh, so he could have easily gone back to the way he’s always been but I don’t believe that. The Dillon that I’ve seen over the last few days, the one that came by my house even knowing that it probably wasn’t the smartest decision, isn’t the same guy that slumped himself into the desk a week before. He’s different.
Getting out of my seat and leaving my bag behind, I walk out of the class and immediately start scanning the hallway for any sign of him. He had only been about six or seven feet from the door when I’d left him, but with the time that’s passed he could be just about anywhere now.
Putting myself in his shoes, trying to figure where he would go if he needed to get away from everything for a while, I’m rewarded. There are only two places I can imagine a guy going. He either went to his car or he went to the locker room.
Having taken tours of the school during my time here this past week, I know exactly where the gym is and moving as fast as I can without completely giving into the frantic way my mind is working, I head down the stairs and don’t stop running until I find myself standing right outside the doors.
Knocking lightly, not sure what I’m expecting to be the response but wanting to at least give some kind of heads up to anyone who might be in here and not completely dressed, I wait a couple of seconds before pushing on the door and walking inside. Taking tentative steps forward, I scan the first strip of lockers and finding nothing, make my way even deeper in until I see another row of lockers and the body at the very end.
“Dillon,” I call out and he turns at the sound of his name, his eyes coming to rest on me and the fact that I’m only a few feet away from him. The way he looked when he kissed me before I went into class, it’s not the way he looks now and the closer I get to him, I see him struggling to change it. He knows how he must look and it hurts knowing that he feels like again he’s got to change who he is and what he feels in order to talk to me.
“What are you doing here?” he asks and as I take a seat beside him at the end of the bench, I put my hand on his shoulder, squeezing just a little before giving him his answer.
“Worried about you.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re lying.”
“Oh of course I am because I can’t do anything but lie, right?”
I don’t have to hear him to know he’s angry and now that I’m here, he’s got someone to take it out on. It’s just too bad that I’m not going to let him. He can be pissed off all he wants, but I’m not going to let him use me as a punching bag.
“I’ll leave. I’m sorry.” I say as I slide my body off the seat. Now that I know he’s here and he’s alright, at least physically, going back to class is the only thing I need to do.
His hand comes to rest on my arm and turning back, I watch as he opens his mouth to speak again.
“No, I’m sorry. Don’t leave.”
Sitting back down, he turns his body into mine and his eyes, they aren’t as hard as they were before. Now they’re sad.
“Remember what I said at lunch? That something would happen and I’d screw this up?” I nod and he continues. “It’s happening and we haven’t even been together an hour.”
“What happened?” I ask, not even acknowledging what he says. Whatever happened on the call with his dad is what’s causing this. He’s doubting himself even though he has no reason to. He isn’t ruining anything.
“Same old shit, different day.”
“Huh?”
“The other day, when I came to school and I could barely move, do you remember what you said to me?”
I nod, unable to forget anything that happened that day even though I want to.
“Right, and I said it was three pretty big trucks. Caddy, I know you know what I meant by that, but you don’t know everything.”
“Then tell me.”
“There’s something you don’t know about me. I’m scared that when I tell you, I’m going to ruin this; us. I want to be different for you, I want you to know the real me, but this, it’s all I’ve known for six years and I don’t know if I’m ever going to escape it, no matter how badly I want to.”
“Remember your words at the ravine.” I say, not asking him to remember but telling him so that he can focus on that and remember what we said.
When we were spray painting our names on the rock, there was a minute where we stepped back from the fumes and he said something and it’s been with me ever since. It matters even more with what he’s about to tell me because what he’s afraid of, it just isn’t going to happen.
There’s nothing he can say that would make me run, because I’ve seen the worst parts of him. I’m still here and here is where I’ll always be if he’ll let me.
“This is the beginning of something that no matter where we go, will never have an end.”
I nod as I watch him repeat his words back to me and despite the seriousness of the moment, I smile. Other than my mom and dad, no one has ever said something like that to me before and no matter how many times I hear it, it will always melt my heart.
“I won’t run. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’ve been fighting for my father since the day I turned twelve. He schedules fights for me; sometimes with people my own age, but most times with adults as old as he is. What he wanted when he called is what he always wants, Caddy. He was calling to tell me that when my bruises heal, he’s got another one for me. I never feel right after I talk to him, but this time it’s worse because even if I do say no and walk away, he’ll find me and the punishment will make me wish I’d just done the stupid fight. After the call, I couldn’t face you and even now, I’m not sure I can face you.”
The first time I met him I knew there was something in his life that made him the way he is, or at least helped it along and with what he’s telling me now, it’s the one person on the planet that shouldn’t be doing it. Dillon’s father making him fight, it’s not right.
He’s been fighting for his life since he was twelve.
I don’t even know what to say.
“Say it. Say you hate me. How could you not hate me?”
“I don’t hate you.”
“You see it now, right? Why I didn’t want to feel anything for you; let you get close to me. I’m going to bring you into this mess and in the end I’m not the one that’s going to get hurt. You are.”
“You’re not hurting me.”
“Not yet maybe, but I will. It’s all I ever do.”
“Not ever, Dillon.”
“You don’t get it. You’re being amazing, but you just don’t get it. I can’t walk away from this. Saying no to Bruce isn’t an option, so unless you plan on being with someone who fights other people almost as much as he bullies the kids he goes to school with, you’re going to end up getting hurt worse than I ever could. You need to walk away Caddy; before I drag you down with me.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Dillon
There’s nothing left to say. I’ve laid it all on the line.
The secret that I’ve been keeping for six years, the one that I didn’t want to get out because of what it would mean for my reputation and the way I’m looked at here. It’s out now and there’s not a damn thing I can do to take it back.
> When I finally told Cadence the truth, something happened to me. I felt lighter. Like I’ve been weighing myself down with this for so long that I adapted to the way it felt and now that I’ve gotten it out there and who I told it to, the heaviness is gone and I feel like I can breathe again. It’s like I’m breathing for the first time and it’s all because of her.
She has no idea what she’s saying, standing by me like this. I expected her to react this way even though deep down I hoped she would get scared by the truth and run as far and as fast as possible in the other direction. This is not a fight she needs to be a part of, no matter what she sees in me.
Nothing I say gets through to her. She won’t leave me and honestly, with the way she almost walked away a few minutes ago, I’m pretty sure I don’t want her to even though it’s best she does. The closer we get, the more she’s going to get pulled into the life I lead and it’s not a place someone like her should ever go. The fighting, my anger and the way I release it, it’s too dark for her and even now, with her sitting here fighting against me every step of the way, she’s proving it.
She’s too good for me. I knew that the day I met her, but I was selfish. I liked the way she made me feel, keeping me on my toes and not letting me get one over on her the way everyone else does. So I kept pushing it even knowing that we would get to this point and I’d push her away in an effort to keep her safe. I did what I always do and I chose the selfish road and now that she’s taking it with me, I have no idea what to do next.
“Just go, Caddy. Run now, before things get worse.”
“No.”
Damnit. This girl, she’s killing me. This is not the time to be stubborn.
“You’re not scared by this at all, are you? Despite everything I just said, you still wanna be with me.”
“Yes.” She answers as she nods her head, emphasizing her point, which just makes it even more unbelievable.
“Why?”
“Because the fighting isn’t what you want; it’s just what you do. Because what I said that first day is still true and you admitting everything proves it.”
Hear Me Now Page 16