by Rae Kennedy
“Now touch yourself. Spread your legs all the way,” he says, his breath hot on my moistened fingers.
I put my hand back under the covers. My warm, wet fingers slide through my folds, and it does feel better.
Colin lies down next to me on his side, propped up on an elbow. “Describe it to me.”
I close my eyes. “Warm. Slippery.”
“Start your fingers low, at your opening.”
I do as instructed, telling him what I’m doing and how it feels. He tells me to dip in just enough to get my fingers extra slick and then rub up and down the sides, between each of my swollen lips and layers.
“Go higher,” he whispers.
When my fingers reach the apex and touch the little nub, a surge of pleasure rolls through my core and I let out a little moan.
“Are you on your clit?”
“Uh huh.”
“Keep rubbing it. Tell me how it feels.”
“It’s so sensitive. It almost tickles.” I keep my fingers on it, rubbing in little circles. The sensation tingles all the way down my legs and pools behind my knees.
He tells me how to touch it. In slow, up and down strokes. Then faster, harder. On the sides, over the top, and then underneath.
“Oh.” I gasp, electricity shooting through me when I touch it right there.
“Is it good?”
“Yeah.”
“What do you like best? Slow, soft, or harder, faster?”
“I... I like it harder. Fast.” I breathe.
“Then do that. Don’t stop.”
So I keep rubbing, touching, flicking over my clit faster and faster. My breathing is rough and I’m starting to moan. I close my eyes and tell him how it feels. How swollen and wet I feel, how my pussy feels wide open. How empty I feel.
“What?” he asks.
“I mean, I feel hollow. Like I need more pressure, like I want something inside me. To fill me up.”
“Fuck.” His breathing sounds shallow, pained. “Can you use your other hand? Put a finger or two inside yourself?”
I reach with my other hand, but I can’t get in without sitting up and risking letting the blankets fall off me.
“Not from this angle.” My voice is shaky.
“Hmm.”
I keep stoking the heat between my legs but I grunt in frustration. I know feeling something inside me, hard and hot, would feel so good.
“I really want something inside. I think it would help me come.”
“Fuck. Okay, we can get you a dildo or something for next time so you can fuck yourself with it while you play with your clit.” He presses his wrist along the length of his erection, shifting his hips slightly on the bed.
I whimper.
“You like that idea?”
“God, yes.”
“You’re so fucking sexy. Are you playing with your clit right now?”
“Yes.”
“Talk to me.”
I tell him how it feels under my fingers, how sensitive it is, how it feels bigger and harder than when I started.
Colin’s eyes roll back. “Do you know how crazy you’re driving me? To know that you’re touching yourself right now and I can’t see?”
I start moaning in earnest now, dipping the tip of my finger into my opening and dragging the wetness back up to my clit to massage it. My pace intensifies as I feel Colin closer at my side.
“I can just imagine how hot, wet, and swollen your pussy is right now,” he says into my ear. “I bet it’s the prettiest pink. I can still taste it. You taste so good, Gray.”
Oh fuck. My fingertips move furiously over the little bundle of nerves. Harder. Faster. A weird feeling is growing low in my belly, a pressure, like a coil is forming in my gut, tightening, building tension.
“Col, I think something’s happening.”
“Good girl. Keep going. Tonight, you’re going to get yourself off, but if we do this again, I want to touch you next time. Can I?”
“Yes. Please, yes,” I pant.
“I’m going to sink two fingers inside you while you play with your clit. I’ll have you ride my fingers until you’re writhing with need. I want your clit in my mouth when you come and my name on your lips, begging for my cock.”
I’ve never had anyone say something so filthy to me. And it’s Colin, I—
The tense coil inside me bursts, releasing all the pent up energy and a wave of intense pleasure throws my body into convulsions as I shout out.
Colin rolls to his back, a guttural grunt emanating from deep inside him. Then he sits up, hand on his groin, and gets up quickly, walking away from me toward the bathroom. He rips his boxers off and I catch a glimpse of his naked ass, smooth and taut. His crumpled up boxers are in his hand and it looks like he’s finishing himself off and wiping himself up before he closes the bathroom door.
CHAPTER 16
It’s not long before he turns the shower on, and I want to stay awake but my body is so tired and relaxed and sated. And my eyelids feel heavy and the mattress is warm and soft. I glance to the bedside clock and it’s almost four in the morning. The sounds of rushing water through pipes and the ting it makes hitting tile and glass is soothing and sleep overtakes me.
“Hey.”
The word barely registers in my haziness. I groan and roll over, away from the noise, and bury my face back between the pillows.
“Gray.” Colin’s voice comes through, quiet and soft, at the same time fingers lightly stroke along my arm.
Languidly, my eyes open and the blurry image of Colin’s face comes into focus. Bright light is streaming through the sheer curtains, Colin and I having forgotten to close the heavier ones last night.
“What time is it? Is it time to leave?” I sit up, rubbing my eyes.
“It’s almost ten. Check-out isn’t until noon. You can go back to sleep. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you. I just wanted to let you know that I was leaving.”
His hand is still brushing along my arm and I try to act like it’s totally normal. I don’t even notice it, actually. Totally unaffected. Thing is, it’s a completely normal thing. He touches me like this all the time—just not in our hotel room. Not when we’re alone.
“I’ve got a couple things to do before tonight. Then we have early rehearsal and a meet-and-greet with some radio station before the show. The bus will be here at noon to take you to the venue. You can just hang on the bus, or you can come find me—I mean, find us—anytime. If you want.”
“Okay.” I let out a huge yawn and blink at him.
He looks so good in a loose black tank top that shows off all of his incredible ink.
He leans over me. “Go back to sleep,” he whispers with a little smile and then he kisses the top of my head before he turns to leave.
He kissed me. In our room. Not in a super intimate way, but still. He’s never done that when no one’s around to witness it. Obviously what we did last night blurred some already wobbly lines, but now I have no idea where the lines even are. Are there any lines anymore?
I’m not sure what’s real and what’s pretend. When we’re out and he’s holding my hand or wrapping an arm around me—is that just for show? Because not everyone in a relationship is so touchy all the time. So is he doing that just because he wants to?
And then what we did last night...
When he told me he wants to make me come with his fingers inside me and his mouth on my clit, was that true? Or did he just say it in the heat of the moment in order to help me come? Because it worked. It really worked for me.
* * *
I’m sitting on the bus in the parking lot behind the venue and have no idea what to do. I’m too anxious to write or nap—which is what I usually do when the guys are busy with band stuff. Colin did say I could go join them whenever. He’d wanted to say me, you can come find me. Does that mean he wants me to be there?
Ugh. I’m so confused about him.
This morning when he woke me up I was still half asleep and too g
roggy to comprehend how sweet he was being to me. He could have easily left me a note or a text letting me know he had to leave, but he woke me up like he just wanted to talk to me and kiss me goodbye.
I tried to go back to sleep after but got nothing more than some fitful tossing and turning accomplished.
I step off the bus and onto the hot pavement. We’re just on the outskirts of downtown Denver and it’s gorgeous out. The sun is shining over everything, not even a speckle of a cloud in the bright blue sky. Jagged mountains stand above the tops of buildings in the distance, their peaks dipped in brilliant white, even though it’s nearing the end of June.
I’ve never been to Denver before, so I keep walking toward downtown. Right now, I seem to be in an area entirely made up of micro-breweries and tiny, hipster restaurants. I take out my phone.
Me: Something might be happening with the singer
Kyla: The dark and serious looking one? OMG did you make out and then not immediately inform me?
Me: No, no making out
Kyla: Just a kiss then?
Me: No kissing
Kyla: So like what? Hand job over the jeans?
Me: omg no it’s just the way he’s been acting
Kyla: So nothing has actually happened yet?
I don’t know how to answer that without opening the huge can of worms that is our fake dating arrangement.
Kyla: ...
Me: Kinda, not really, but sort of
Kyla: WTF
Me: He basically offered to help me experiment with sexual stuff
Kyla: wut
Kyla: OMFG why did you not open with this information?
I send her the anxious face emoji.
Kyla: There’s so much to unpack here I CAN’T EVEN. But mostly I’m just jealous your first time gets to be with someone who actually knows what he’s doing and not two minutes with Darren Johnston in the back of his mom’s minivan.
Me: I didn’t say we were going to do it
Kyla: Why TF not? Seriously what does it matter who’s your first v. your second or third? Virginity is a social construct that doesn’t mean anything
Me: But how do I know if he actually likes me or just wants to get in my pants?
Kyla: We’re talking about a summer fling here, not your future husband right?
Me: Right
Kyla: Then forget about all the feelings stuff and just let yourself enjoy the moment. If he’s offering this opportunity then jump on it!
Kyla: Literally I mean jump on that dick
Me: Okay... how should I tell him I want to jump on it?
Kyla: One word: PEACOCK
Kyla: Put something on that you feel confident and sexy in then strut. You shouldn’t have to do anything more than present yourself if he's into you he’ll flock to you
Me: Flock? Way to keep to the bird theme
Kyla: I’m nothing if not committed
Me: Speaking of committed, how is Operation Get Wes’s Attention going?
Upon the last Wes update, things had been starting to progress and Kyla was quite optimistic that Wes was becoming susceptible to her specific brand of charm.
Kyla: It’s going well. I’ve recruited Eric to help me since you’re absent.
Me: My brother Eric?
Kyla: Of course your brother Eric. Is there another Eric? He’s my official wingman and he’s doing a great job actually. You better be careful or he’ll have replaced you as my new best friend by the time you get back.
Me: New best friend? I thought you two annoyed the shit out of each other
Kyla: We do, but idk, he’s growing on me. I’ll keep you updated
Me: Please
I look up and realize I’m just about to pass an outdoor mall. Serendipitous, really.
Peacocking, huh? All right. I can do that.
* * *
I weave my way through the dark hall, the security guy having barely let me through the door after scrutinizing my pass for several minutes. This venue is tiny and there are no dressing rooms, just a backstage lounge area not far from the stage which is also poorly lit. I turn the corner and stop just before going through the open doorway.
Currently, a local band is playing for the audience and all of my guys and the Donkey Lips guys are standing or sitting, chatting and drinking. There are also a few girls hanging around. Maybe they already procured a few groupies at the meet-and-greet earlier.
Colin is standing with Logan. My heart gives an abrupt thump at the sight of him. He’s wearing the same black tank as earlier. It’s low-cut on the sides and I can see the ripple of his abs when he turns in profile.
I’m overdressed. I should just go back to the bus and change into my cut-off shorts and Chucks like I normally wear to shows before he sees me and thinks I’m silly. I’m wearing a red romper I bought earlier today. It’s little—the shorts barely cover my ass, but the top has a high neckline so I don’t feel too exposed. Let’s just forget that it’s completely backless and I’m not wearing a bra. This peacocking idea was dumb.
Jace, one of the Boners—I honestly don’t even care anymore—and a girl walk toward Colin and Logan. Jace is wearing a smug look, the brunette hanging on his arm, as he gets Logan’s attention and cocks his chin, motioning down a hallway in the other direction.
“You guys are on in fifteen fucking minutes,” Colin says.
“I’ll make sure he’s back in time.” Logan hits Jace on the back as they start to walk away.
“You coming, babe?” Jace asks the girl.
“I’ll wait here for you,” she says, and then they disappear down the dark hallway. It’s like this place can’t afford lightbulbs.
The woman doesn’t seem at all upset to lose her companion. In fact, her face lights up as she stalks over to Colin and puts a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. I take a step backward, retreating farther into the dark. And then I recognize her pretty face, curly hair, and that perfect makeup application. It’s Marnie, the groupie from Vegas.
“You know”—she lets her hand slide down his biceps—“I’m really happy to see you again. I still think about our kiss sometimes.”
Colin looks down at her like he’s suddenly noticed a fly buzzing around him, his face scrunched up. “Our what?” he asks, eyes squinted.
“Our kiss. Don’t you remember? Spin the bottle.”
“Oh. Right.”
She steps closer in. “I wanted to let you know I’d be up for way more than kissing this go around.”
Colin backs away. “Not interested. I have a girlfriend.”
He looks past her to where Dean and Joey are sitting in the corner with a Boner and another random chick. He goes to sidestep her in their direction but she mirrors his step, blocking his path.
“I distinctly remember you being single when I asked in Vegas.” She puts her hands on her hips.
He pinches the bridge of his nose and I’d feel bad for him if I didn’t find this whole exchange rather amusing and strangely reassuring.
“It’s fairly recent.” He looks toward the corner like he’s trying to send out a mental distress signal to his band-mates.
Marnie doesn’t move. “Oh! Is it that little blonde that’s traveling with you?”
Colin nods curtly, crossing his arms, muscles tensed.
“Hmm, she’s really cute. I would totally be up for a threesome with you guys.”
The look he gives her so clearly says what the fuck? that I almost giggle.
“Yeah, no.” He moves away from her again. But this time another girl comes up to them, smiling.
My chest involuntarily lurches forward. I should go rescue him.
Marnie positions herself at the perfect angle to arch her back and emphasis her rack. “Is your girlfriend not very adventurous? She did look pretty young. Does she even have any idea what to do with you?”
I step into the room, my sandals clacking on the floor just loud enough for them to turn my way. “I think I can figure it out,” I say, striding toward the
m.
“Gray.” The word is barely off his lips before the biggest, most beautiful smile overtakes Colin’s face and if I thought he rivaled the sun when he smiled before, I was wrong. The way he’s looking at me right now, with pure elation, his smile has the power of a thousand stars. A galaxy of them shining through his eyes.
He walks toward me and I pick up my speed. His arms are out and I wrap mine around his neck just as he scoops me up. My legs instinctively wrap around his waist as he spins me around.
Colin is spinning me.
And it’s making me laugh and when we stop the smile on his face is still just as big. We’re chest-to-chest, a little out of breath, heart pounding. His lips are parted—his beautiful, soft-looking lips and I want to put my hands on either side of his head and crush those lips to mine.
I’m sure he wouldn’t stop me.
But if I kissed him, would he kiss me back?
And if he kissed me back, would it be real?
I look into his dark blue eyes—swirling with heat and emotion—like he might be having the exact same thought, his eyes searching mine for an answer to an unasked question.
I will him to hear my answer.
Yes. Kiss me. Please.
He tightens his arms around me and I squeeze my legs around his middle. Blood is rushing in my ears as our breath mingles in the inch between us. Then he buries his face into my shoulder, kissing my skin there instead, his scruff tickling against my neck before he sets me down.
* * *
I sing along to all the songs, standing in my dark little corner just offstage. I know the set by heart—the way Joey taps his sticks together four times before each song, the looks that pass between Logan and Dean as they play, and how focused Colin is as he sings. I love when Logan panders to the crowd as Colin sips water between songs, and when Colin does murmur a few words into the mic, they love him for it.
“I wanted to do something a little different tonight,” Colin says into the mic after their last song. “Thought I’d perform a new song we’ve been working on for you.”
The crowd goes wild and the stage is a blur for a minute as crewmembers carry out two stools, an extra mic stand, and Colin’s acoustic guitar while the rest of the guys exit the stage. Joey gives me a freckled fist bump, Dean squeezes me on the shoulder, and Logan winks at me as they huddle around, watching the stage as Colin stands there alone, a single spotlight shining on him and his guitar.