To Be Your Last

by Rae Kennedy

  “Hey, we need to start announcing our presence. Don’t want to interrupt you two again,” Logan says with a wink.

  “Speak for yourself. I’d be into it.” Dean shrugs.

  Colin tightens his arms around my waist.

  “I don’t think I’m hairy enough for you,” I say.

  Logan lets out a hard laugh right as Joey chokes on the handful of spicy peanuts he had just shoved in his mouth. His coughs turn into laughter as I pat him on the back. Dean tips his bottle to me with a smile and takes a big drink.

  “What were you doing?” Logan asks.

  “Writing,” Colin answers.

  “Boring.” Logan rolls his eyes then leans in toward me. He makes a big show of covering one side of his mouth with his hand even though Colin can see him just as well as I can, then he whispers loudly across the table, “If you ever need to be rescued from Mr. Grumpypants”—he gestures not-so-subtly toward Colin—“give me the special signal and I’ll take you to go have some actual fun.”

  “And what kind of fun would we go have?” I ask.

  He sits back and runs his index finger across his lips. “Hmm...” And then his eyes widen and he grabs my notebook before I realize what’s happening.

  I try to snatch it back but he has it, open in his hands.

  “Let’s consult the Fuck-It list,” he says enthusiastically.

  Shit.

  “Can I have that back—”

  But he’s already flipped to the page, his eyes scanning down the list. “Most of the list is crossed off. This is awesome—” Then he goes quiet right at the time he must get to the bottom of the list.

  I want to bury my face.

  Logan clears his throat and his expression returns to normal as he looks up. “How about getting a piercing? That’s on the list and we have all day free in Chicago tomorrow before our show the next day.”

  “Um, maybe,” I say, trying to sound normal, relieved he isn’t saying anything about that last line.

  “Cool.”

  Logan and Dean then start discussing what kind of piercing I should get. Joey chimes in with the horror story of his first attempted piercing—at home with a sewing needle—and how it has ruined him for life.

  I just stare at my book, still sitting open to that page. Maybe if I just don’t call attention to it...

  Why did I write it?

  Colin must feel my tension, or maybe I’m just sitting weirdly stiff on him, because he runs an open hand across my back and whispers in my ear, “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I just don’t like people looking through my notebook.” That’s true, even though Logan isn’t really looking through it.

  Colin just grunts, snaking his long arm quickly to retrieve the book for me. He hands it to me, still open to that stupid list. And I know the second he sees it.

  And dammit, why did I have to write it in HUGE FUCKING CAPS?

  His eyes flash to me. He tilts his head, his stare pensive, while Dean tells Logan why nipple piercings would be the “worst fucking idea” for me.

  I avoid the silent question in his eyes while feigning excitement in the idea of sticking metal through some part of my body.

  It’s quite easy, actually, to avoid eye contact with Colin throughout the evening, since I’m sitting on his lap. As long as I look straight ahead, I can ignore the embarrassment.

  After a while, I tell the boys I’m tired and am going to bed early.

  Joey stands so I can slide out of the booth and Colin follows, grabbing my hand so I have to turn and face him.

  “Do you want to talk for a little bit?” he says, touching his forehead to mine.

  Heat rises in my chest. I’m not prepared for this conversation yet. “No. I’m just exhausted and I want to go lie down.”

  “Okay.” He tips my chin up with one finger and presses two quick kisses to my lips.

  * * *

  A tattooed arm lies heavy over my side, his fingers entwined with mine. His front is curled around my back, his breathing steady.

  I twist and turn to see his face. A crease forms between his brows and he frowns in his sleep as he tugs me back to him, practically smothering me. I giggle softly against his collarbone until he stirs and a low grunt vibrates in his chest.

  “Hey,” I say, watching his dark eyes blink open.

  “Hey.” His voice is thick with sleep.

  “You came in here and didn’t wake me up?”

  “I wanted to let you sleep since our late night activities left you so tired yesterday.”

  I can hear the cocky smile in his words. And I can feel his erection stiffening against my hip. The air is thick, and even though our bodies are pressed firmly together, there’s a huge elephant between us. A sex elephant. I should just address it. Or we could just make out. I’d be totally down for making out.

  “Gray.”

  I look up from staring at his lips. “Yeah?”

  “I saw what you wrote on your list.”

  Okay, here we go, I guess.

  “And I just want you to know that I don’t expect that from you.” His voice is quiet and low and I swear I can feel his heart pounding through his chest at the same rhythm as mine.

  This is it, time to be Bold Gracie. Fearless Gracie.

  “And if I’ve been moving too fast I want you to tell—”

  “No.” I put my fingers to his mouth then whisper against them. “It hasn’t been too fast. I want it, and I want it to be with you.”

  I feel more than hear his breath hitch. “There’s no rush. When do you have to go back to school?”

  Ugh. My chest deflates. “I don’t even know if I’m welcome back at school at this point. And even if I am, if I’ve lost my scholarship, I won’t have a choice.” And I’m almost certain I’ve lost my scholarship.

  He hugs me tighter, tucking my head under his chin. “I didn’t mean to stress you out about school. I just wanted to know how long I have you for.”

  My stomach tightens and a horrible ache pulses through me. We lay quietly for several minutes while Colin runs his fingertips up and down my back and I do the same, tracing little circles over his bare skin.

  After a while, he whispers, “You don’t have to go right back to school, you know. Taking a break—a semester or a year—to get to know yourself a little better might be a good thing. Maybe you’ll decide on a different major altogether. Or maybe not. But there’s nothing that says you have to get it right on the first try or that you can’t take your time in figuring it out.” His tone is gentle, just like his touch.

  “And what will I do if I take time off?”

  “Run away with me.”

  CHAPTER 20

  I don’t know what to say and my throat is too constricted to form words anyway. I take his face in both my hands and crash my lips to his. I pull him toward me and he comes easily, laying over me, caging me with his arms, his hips nestle perfectly into where my legs are spread for him. I hook my ankles around him and our bodies undulate together of their own accord as we kiss.

  Everything about this feels just right—the way his mouth greedily devours mine, the weight of him on top of me, the friction just where I want it.

  I break the kiss, panting. “I don’t want to wait.”

  “Mm.” He kisses me harder, pressing his erection against my center and sending a pulse of pleasure through my blood. “You sure?”

  I squeeze my legs, grinding against his pelvis and I’m throbbing and aching for him now. “Yes. Do you have condoms?”

  “No. Wait, you mean right now?” He sits up to maybe look at me better but hits his elbow and head in the confined area of the bunk. “Ow, shit.”

  I bite my lip to keep from smiling too big. He rubs his head then lays back down over me. He brushes hair out of my face with his fingertips, his dark eyes on mine the whole time.

  “Hotel, then?” I say.

  “Yeah.” His tone is low.

  Mine is barely a whisper when I say, “Tonight.”
/>   * * *

  My senses are heightened all day. My skin heats every time Colin looks at me. Every little touch sends my heart racing. Every glance. Every kiss. My heart pounds, a fire igniting just under the surface.

  I can hardly concentrate on my crossword puzzle as I sit on his lap. He massages my lower back, my hips, my thighs. I’m hot and needy. I try not to squirm against his crotch but the pulsating deep in my core is so insistent I can’t help it. I can feel how much he wants me too.

  I give up on the puzzle altogether when he starts laying sweet kisses to the side of my neck. I lie back against him, tilting my head to give him better access. He presses a few more chaste kisses down to my shoulder before resting his cheek against mine. I revel in the feel of being in his arms. But I want more.

  Tonight.

  Tonight.

  When we go up to the room to set down our bags, we stand there—looking at the bed. The single, king size bed. He turns his gaze to me. We don’t say anything.

  Tonight.

  His eyes are eating me alive and he bites his lower lip so hard that it’s turned red when he lets it go. I swallow hard as he comes closer. I have to look up to keep eye contact. The air is electric. I can hear it crackling. Feel it vibrating. Taste it.

  Not until tonight.

  I lift my mouth to his just as he wraps his hand around the back of my neck. The kiss is gentle, long, sensual. He presses against the length of my body, deepening the kiss, his tongue strokes along mine—a promise of what’s to come.

  Tonight.

  Everything in my body is haywire. My skin is buzzing. I can’t think straight. I’ve forgotten how to breathe. I’m not even sure if I’m standing or he’s holding me up.

  There’s a loud knock on the door.

  “Let’s go!” Logan yells through the door and there’s muffled laughter outside the room.

  There’s another rap-tap-tap on the wall and it kind of sounds like they’re skipping down the hall.

  Colin breaks the kiss. He smiles against my lips as he twists a few strands of my hair with his fingertips. He kisses me one more time on the nose before we leave to follow the guys. He always seems to want to kiss me one more time.

  Tonight. It’s happening tonight.

  I’m thankful the Donkey Lips guys are off doing their own thing. The five of us get giant hot dogs and walk along the Riverwalk. I clean a bit of mustard off the corner of Colin’s lip with my thumb and he nips at it before catching my hand and kissing my knuckles. My stomach is all fluttery.

  Tonight.

  We stop to watch a street musician play the hell out of a harmonica. When Logan notices the guy has a banjo, he asks if he can jam with him—because, of course that’s what Logan would do. Colin holds my hand as we listen and watch as Logan plays the banjo with exuberance, Joey stomps out a beat, and a crowd starts to gather.

  We manage to get a selfie at The Bean in Millennium Park just before it starts to get dark. I look at the picture on Colin’s phone. Our figures are distorted in the metallic sculpture behind us, but it’s clear that Colin’s arm is wrapped around my back. I’m pressed to his side as Logan, Dean and Joey swarm us from the outside. Joey’s eyes are half closed, a goofy grin, his cheek against Colin’s arm, barely reaching his shoulder. Dean and Logan are crushed against me, Dean grabbing Logan’s face, which is smashed up in a half-grin, half-grimace as Dean plants an aggressive kiss on his cheek.

  And Colin is smiling. His big, brighter-than-the-sun smile.

  It’s the best picture.

  We stay downtown to eat a late dinner. Conversation and beer is flowing, but Colin doesn’t drink anything and neither do I. I don’t want anything to distort tonight. I want to remember it all with crystal clarity.

  He runs fingertips up and down my arm and I can’t help but stare at him.

  Tonight. Tonight, he’s mine.

  “So what are you thinking?” Logan’s voice cuts into my thoughts.

  I rip my eyes off Colin and snap my neck toward Logan across from me. “Huh?”

  “What did you decide, about tonight?” He points to my plate. “Are you going to eat that?”

  “Uh, go for it. What are we talking about?”

  He snatches the last bacon-wrapped asparagus from my plate and takes a big bite. “What are you going to get pierced? Damn this is really good.”

  Oh. Yeah. “I—um. I don’t know.”

  Logan starts talking about the cool shop he found and how he already called ahead. I flash my eyes toward Colin. I'm giving him my most panicked crazy eyes but his demeanor is that of his usual stoicism.

  “Logan,” I begin, “I don’t think, uh—”

  “We’re going to stay in tonight.” Colin finishes for me, calm and sure.

  Logan looks between us, his mouth downturned. “Really? You’re bailing?” Disappointment flashes in his big, puppy-dog brown eyes. And sadness—an emotion I’ve never seen in them. He turns to Dean. “What about you?”

  “I wasn’t planning on getting anything, so if Gracie’s not going, I think I’m going to go Bear hunting.”

  Logan huffs out a breath and stands up, dropping the uneaten half of the asparagus on his plate. “Fine.” He runs his hands through his hair, making it look wild. “Can you spot me tonight?” he asks Dean, gesturing to the table.

  “Sure.” Dean quirks a brow as Logan turns to leave.

  “Can we go tomorrow?” I spit out. “After the show?”

  “Sure.” He gives me a tight-lipped smile before walking away.

  * * *

  My guilt is replaced by anxious excitement as Colin and I walk hand-in-hand to our room.

  While Colin is in the bathroom, I stand at the foot of the bed, staring at the little black condom packet he left on the nightstand.

  This is happening. Now.

  Should I take my clothes off? Or will he want to undress me? Jeans are awkward to take off someone else, right? So I shimmy out of my jeans but now I’m standing in my shirt and underwear and this feels weird too. I hastily change into my thin sleep tank and cotton pajama shorts and sit on the bed.

  I look up from where my hands are knotted on my lap when he comes out.

  He's in nothing but black boxer briefs. He locks on me immediately and he’s so beautiful.

  He tilts his head. “Something wrong?”

  “No. I just... I know this isn’t a big deal for you, but—”

  “Of course it is.” He comes to me.

  “Yeah?” I meet his eyes. My chest feels too tight to contain my beating heart.

  “Yes. Being your first is a big deal.” He sits next to me and rubs his hand along my arm. “Even if that wasn’t the case, it would still be important to me. I haven’t had sex in almost a year.”

  “Really?”

  He nods. “That’s the last time I had a girlfriend.” He drags his lips softly against my cheek. “And I’ve told you I don’t sleep with women unless I’m in an exclusive relationship with them.”

  He kisses me gently on the mouth as both of his arms wrap around my back, holding me close to his chest.

  I deepen the kiss, tasting fresh mint on his tongue. He lets out a soft little growl and I break the kiss.

  “So...” I pause to catch my breath, my pulse racing. “Does that mean we’re in an exclusive relationship?”

  He bites my bottom lip, tugging on it with his teeth. “Aren’t we, though?”

  My breath catches, my heart stops.

  “Are you fucking around with other guys?” he asks, a teasing grin on his face.

  I shake my head, heat growing in my cheeks.

  “Good.” He pulls me into his lap and brushes my hair behind my ear. “Because I can’t even see anyone but you.”

  And then he kisses me. I tighten my arms around his neck to press flush against him. He digs into my hips, stroking his thumbs up my stomach as he slides further under my shirt. I pull away from him, panting, and lift my arms. Without skipping a beat, he pulls my shirt up over m
y head and throws it aside.

  He glances down at my bare breasts. His lips are red and swollen from kissing. He swallows and licks his lips before he speaks.

  “You know I would be perfectly happy climbing under the covers with you and just cuddling all night. Naked cuddling preferred.”

  I bite back a smile.

  “I swear we don’t have to do anything more than that, if you want.” He glances down at my body again, his eyes dark, pupils dilated. His chest rises faster and I can see him physically restraining his desire.

  I move closer, emboldened by my effect on him, loving the feel of my breasts against his bare chest. “I told you what I want. I haven’t changed my mind.”

  He trails his fingertips lightly up my back as he looks into my eyes. “You know I’m going to take care of you, right?”

  I nod.

  He lays me down on the bed, covering me with his broad shoulders. He takes his time, planting kisses all over, from my lips down my neck to the soft skin between the swells of my breasts. My stomach flutters as he kisses the underside of one breast while his hand gently massages the other. I let out a quivering breath when he takes one of my pink tips into his mouth, sucking harder than I expected while tugging my other nipple between his fingers. It feels so good it almost hurts.

  “Too much?” he asks.

  “No.”

  I cradle his head to my chest as he continues kissing and sucking. I rake my fingernails over his scalp and dig my fingers into the back of his neck with every spark of pleasure, my body undulating under him of its own accord.

  Then he kisses down to my belly button and over to my hip. He nips at my hip bone just above the hem of my shorts and it makes me buck with a squeal.

  “Oh yeah, I forgot how ticklish you are.”

  “No, I’m really not—”

  But he nips at me again while tickling my other side and I’m laughing too hard to protest. My abs ache when he stops but I hardly have a second to notice because then he hooks his fingers into my waistband.

  I lift my hips and he slides my shorts and panties down in one smooth motion.

  And just like that, I’m completely naked, lying outstretched in front of Colin Wolfe. I prop myself up and watch him as he devours me with his blue eyes.