“Sure. I can put it in my backpack. It’s a little heavy, but not that big. It has real small tapes.”
Zack understood exactly what kind of camcorder Michael was talking about. “We have some time. Christmas is still weeks away. Bring the camcorder along next Saturday when you come. Maybe Jenny can tell your mom the lesson’s going to run longer than usual. That way we’ll have a chance after the other kids leave. Okay?”
Michael was beaming. “I can’t believe you said yes.”
“Why is that?”
“Because my dad said you’re really an important person and you’re not going to be here long. He said you’re just here because your dad’s sick, and then you’ll fly off and not be seen for another five to ten years.”
Zack was used to tabloid news about him, rumors that weren’t true, stories that were exaggerated from the telling. He knew there had to be gossip around Miners Bluff about his return. Apparently, this was some of it.
“I won’t be here too long,” he told Michael. “But I’ll be here long enough to help you make a present for your parents. That’s a promise.”
“Cool!” Michael grinned from ear to ear.
Zack felt good about his decision, better than he’d felt about anything in a while.
As Michael and Tanya groomed their horses, chattering away as they did, Zack approached Jenny. She was running the grooming brush over her horse’s back.
“Can you tell Michael’s mother that their lesson will run longer next week?”
Jenny didn’t look at him as she asked, “Why?”
“Because I’m going to help him with something after the other kids leave.”
Now she did turn her gaze up to his. “Zack, they’re under my care. You’re going to have to tell me what you’re planning.”
“What do you think I’m going to do, take them on a trail ride to Feather Peak in the snow?” He didn’t know why her lack of trust made him angry, but it did.
She sighed and turned to face him. “Does it have to be a secret?”
“No. Michael wants me to help shoot footage of him and his sister as a present for their parents for Christmas. That’s it. Nothing nefarious.”
“And you said yes?” She seemed really surprised and that did nothing to take the edge off his annoyance with her attitude.
“I said yes. What do you think happened to me in L.A., Jenny? Do you think I became a different person than the one you knew?”
She looked over at the kids to make sure they weren’t listening. They weren’t. They were engrossed in what they were doing and talking with each other. “All I know is that you left and didn’t look back.”
Stiffening, he kept a lid on his temper, remembering what had happened to her and the pain he’d glimpsed in her eyes. “Last night, fifteen years after the fact, you told me why I should have looked back. I wasn’t a mind reader, Jenny. I didn’t know what was happening back here. Obviously, you didn’t want me to know. I stayed in touch with my mother. I would have stayed in touch with you if you’d given me any indication you wanted that. But you didn’t. So tell me who’s to blame in all this.”
“We can’t talk now,” she said in a whisper.
“Do you want to make an appointment?”
“Zack—”
The arena door opened and Helen Larson walked in. She called, “Michael, Tanya. I’m here.”
Zack realized his moment with Jenny had been lost again.
Jenny said in a low voice, “I’ll tell her the lessons will last longer next week. We can talk later.”
Jenny said the words, but when Zack studied her face, he saw she didn’t want to talk later any more than she did now. Would they accomplish anything at all if they spoke about what had happened? Or would speaking about the past widen the gap between them?
Late that night, Zack finally got a private moment with Jenny.
She’d eluded him all day, but she wasn’t going to elude him now. He stood outside her bedroom door and knocked.
“Zack!” She looked startled when she opened her door.
She was already dressed for bed in a flannel nightgown that on anybody else might not look enticing, but on her, the pink background and small flowers, the short ruffle around the neck, the way the flannel lay over her breasts was alluring.
“Can I come in?”
“I’m ready for bed. I have an early day tomorrow.”
“We need to talk, Jenny, about a couple of things. I really don’t want Dad to overhear us so I thought your room would be best.” He was now ensconced in his old room near his dad’s master suite.
After a moment’s hesitation, Jenny backed up and let him inside. She was the type of woman who toughed things out. She’d make a point, even though she might be uncomfortable doing it. The point tonight was—she could stand in her flannel nightgown in front of him and not look nervous.
The gas fireplace in her room was lit and she settled on the mauve and sage-green, flowered sofa, pulling the pale pink afghan from the back and covering herself with it. The room was a little chilly, but he doubted if Jenny would have used that afghan if she were alone.
Whatever. This wasn’t a date. He sat down on the sofa about a foot away from her. Her gaze swept over him. He was wearing a navy flannel shirt, jeans and boots, usual attire for the ranch in the winter. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but her gaze on him made him feel much too warm.
“Did you know Dad invested in a horse farm in Kentucky?” he asked.
That obviously wasn’t a question she’d been expecting. “Yes, I knew. Why?”
Her surprise kept her from being defensive and he was glad of that. “Because it’s losing money faster than any of the thoroughbreds they’re raising there can run a mile.”
She gave a small shrug. “He didn’t invest in it just to make money.”
Zack narrowed his eyes. “Why did he invest?”
“Because the family owned the ranch for generations. It’s been going downhill for the past ten years and they were going to lose it. Silas tried to help keep that from happening.”
“I noticed expenses for a trip there a year ago. Has he been there since?”
“No. But the family sends him pictures and they keep him updated.”
Zack grunted. “Pictures. You can’t get a good perspective from a few pictures.”
“They also send videos of two of the most promising two-year-olds.”
Zack shook his head. “This is a sinkhole, Jenny.”
“It was your father’s decision to invest in the ranch. Why are you discussing it with me?”
“Because you keep the books. You can see what’s happening. The Rocky D is still making a profit, but that profit is down, too.”
“We don’t just do this for the money,” she reminded him softly.
He approached the ranch’s finances from another angle. “Dad still has a full staff when a lot of the other ranches have cut back.”
“Our horses need the care we give them. I’d cut my salary before I let anyone go.”
“Do you have say over that or does Dad?”
“We make joint decisions. If you were here, he’d give your opinion weight, too.”
“I doubt that. I don’t think he’s going to give it any weight now. You’re not giving it any weight.”
Her finger came to her lips and she looked as if she were about to weigh her own words. His gaze targeted that finger and her lips. She had such a kissable mouth. With her hair long and loose on her shoulders, he was more tempted by her wholesome beauty than he ever believed he could be.
“If you were going to stay involved in the Rocky D, everything would be different,” she returned quietly.
“Stay involved from long distance or close up?” he asked, trying to see into her mind.
But she wasn’t even giving him a glimpse. With another little shrug, she responded, “Either.”
“You wouldn’t want me looking over your shoulder.” He was sure about that.
&nb
sp; “It wouldn’t be like that.”
“Wouldn’t it?”
The defiant look came into her brown eyes and she turned away and started to rise from the sofa.
He caught her arm. “We’re not done.”
“You’re in my room, Zack, and if I ask you to leave—”
“You know I would leave. But I’d also be waiting for you in the morning to finish this.”
“Finish what? We don’t have anything to finish.”
He waited a beat, let her think about the evening before. “Last night you told me the bare essentials. You’ve told me the minimum. There’s obviously more. You couldn’t hide the sadness in your eyes. So tell me about the miscarriage.”
Slowly sitting on the sofa again, she lowered her gaze to her hands in her lap. “I can’t. It still hurts.”
“Jenny.”
That bit of caring in his voice must have gotten to her because she finally raised her eyes to his. “Fifteen years ago when it happened, I thought it was over. I thought it was done. Your mom and dad both helped me concentrate on other things. They gave me more responsibility around here. Your mom practically let me take over the bookwork. Your dad gave me more horses to train and let me become involved in the PR of selling the ones we bred. Years passed and then your mom died, and all of it came rushing back.”
Zack could feel his chest tighten with a years-old ache of his own.
“When you came home for your mom’s funeral,” she went on, her voice low, “I thought about telling you then. But you were hurting so much, why make you hurt more? Now, most days, I think I’ve forgotten about the miscarriage. I think I’ve moved on. But then I see a child with her mom. I spend time with Celeste and Clay and Abby. I teach kids how to ride. All the while I know that I’m getting older, and I wonder if I’ll ever have another chance at motherhood. Maybe it will be better now that you know. But I don’t think so. Because last night when I told you, I saw a change in your eyes, too.”
The emotion in her voice drew him closer to her. He couldn’t help sliding his arm around her.
She resisted at first, but then she relaxed against him and he held her.
They sat there a long time, watching the flames in the fireplace, feeling but not talking.
The warmth of Jenny’s body seeped into Zack, heating up the cold chambers of his heart. The change felt odd and uncomfortable and unnerving. He’d distanced himself from his emotions for so long, it was hard to process what he was feeling. But there was one sensation that was familiar and easier than all the others.
He slid a hand under Jenny’s hair and turned her face up to his. He didn’t have to say a word because he found a response in her eyes that matched the desire she’d always ignited in him. He bent his head, giving her time to move away, stopping for just a moment to let his breath mingle with hers. When she closed her eyes, he knew she was giving in to an attraction that had started so many years ago.
He began the kiss slowly, with just the coaxing taste of what passion could be. After all, he’d learned finesse since they were teenagers. He’d learned what women liked. But then Jenny gave a soft sigh, opened her mouth and everything he thought he knew vanished. This kiss wasn’t about technique or titillation. It was about raw feelings they’d once shared and a hunger that still remained. He knew he shouldn’t kiss her. He did know that. But Jenny was old memories, old feelings, feelings he hadn’t experienced after he’d left her.
His thoughts shifted into such a high gear they were no more. Kissing Jenny was all that seemed to matter. The desire he felt was so startlingly strong, it drove him where he didn’t want to go. They’d had something together. They’d lost something even greater. They’d lost a child. And now for a few moments, he had to try to get something back.
She seemed just as eager to try. Her hands were at the back of his neck…in his hair. She gave a little moan that he remembered all too well. Heat poured from him into her and back again that had nothing to do with that fire in the room. That was a fake fire anyhow. What was happening between them was real.
Jenny’s body was soft against his. His fingers went to the tiny buttons on her gown as his tongue searched her mouth. He felt like a fumbling idiot when he couldn’t open them fast enough. He was experienced at this. He should be doing a quicker job…a better job. Finally, he’d undone a quarter of the buttons and he could slip his hand inside her gown. He felt her start and wondered why. After all, she was thirty-three. She must have had partners, a few at least. It was no secret that men found her beautiful.
Yet she’d been a virgin when they’d had sex the first time…the only time. It shouldn’t have happened. He’d intended to leave without going that far.
When his fingertips touched her breast, his hunger for her shook him. She pressed into his hand and rubbed against his palm. He wanted their clothes off. He didn’t even care if they made it to the bed. The floor would do. His mouth twisted over hers and angled until his tongue explored deeper. It seemed to matter that he possess her.
Suddenly, everything stopped. Jenny tore away, pulled her nightgown closed and looked at him as if he were a stranger.
“No,” she said on a sob. “This can’t happen. I won’t let it happen.”
“Jenny.” He reached for her trying to draw her to him again.
But she leaned away. “What do you think you’re doing, Zack?”
The question swam around his head until he realized he couldn’t answer it with any kind of logical response. Finally he admitted, “I’m not sure.” His own voice was too husky, too filled with emotions he didn’t want to acknowledge.
Where she had looked angry and almost defiant before, now her expression softened.
He reached out and took her hand, just held it in silence for a few moments. “We’re still attracted to each other.”
“That doesn’t matter,” she said quickly. “We know there’s nowhere to go. Maybe I should have told you about the baby so many years ago. But I didn’t want to hurt you then and I didn’t mean to hurt you now.”
Had he kissed her because he didn’t know where to go with the feelings the loss had caused? Because the fact that they’d lost a child hurt too much to express in words? Finding out about the baby had cracked the shell he’d built around his heart. Cracked it, but not broken it. He knew better than to open up his heart again, especially to Jenny. She was so sure there was no world outside of the Rocky D. She was so sure that security was so much more important than dreams. There was no such thing as security and all anyone ever had were dreams.
“I didn’t know how to react,” he confessed. “I guess we both just got caught up in…the moment.” Actually, he was embarrassed he hadn’t been the one to stop it. He was dismayed that the same thing could have happened tonight that had happened in the hayloft on their graduation night. No, it wouldn’t be the same at all. Now he carried a condom.
“What are you thinking?” she asked quietly.
“Nothing important.”
“Your face went all dark. Your eyes changed.”
“Don’t try to read me like one of your horses.”
With a sigh, she buttoned her nightgown. “I didn’t want you in my room for a good reason.”
“Then you shouldn’t have run away from me all afternoon and evening.”
She looped her hair over one ear. “You won’t be home for that long, Zack. This shouldn’t be so hard.”
“This isn’t hard. The fact that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me about the baby before now is hard. The fact that my parents kept it from me is hard. What you’ve been through had to have been unimaginably hard.”
His understanding brought vulnerability back to her face, and he realized now he’d taken advantage of that vulnerability, something he’d never done with a woman before. The women that he dated on the west coast knew the score. He chose women who didn’t want entanglements any more than he did.
His personal life was a train rushing nowhere. Had he dated Rachel beca
use he’d been bored? Restless? Searching for something he couldn’t find? Had he dated Rachel because she was the extreme opposite of Jenny? Was that a pattern with him?
He swore and rose to his feet. “I should have gone outside and made some headway with Dusty. I didn’t mean to…turn my sense of loss back at you.”
All buttoned up now, she stood, too. To his surprise, she took a step closer and lightly touched his jaw. “We could have just talked, Zack, about what you felt and about what I felt. You express yourself so well in films, but you have such a tough time in person.”
Wasn’t that just the crux of it? Jenny had always seen too much. He didn’t like the fact that she seemed to see through to his soul now.
He was the one who moved away this time. He crossed to her door, opened it and left her room. When the door shut with a click, he wondered just how soon he could return to California—because his staying here at the Rocky D wasn’t good for him or his dad or Jenny.
Chapter Seven
With a sideways glance so his father wouldn’t know he was watching him, Zack took a quick assessing look at Silas as they walked down the uneven stony path from the house to the barn. Zack suggested easily, “Maybe you should have brought your cane.”
His dad scowled at him. “Don’t even suggest it. I’m not an invalid. It’s bad enough I have to take all that medication.”
They walked in silence until they crossed the road and ambled up the loose gravel to the side door of the barn.
Once inside, Zack asked, “How do you feel?” This was his father’s first sojourn to the outbuildings.
“I’m fine.”
Zack had known his dad would say that, but he looked a bit winded. “The equipment for the exercise room is being delivered this afternoon. A nurse will be coming tomorrow. My guess is, she’ll start you on the treadmill.”
“I wonder what people do who can’t afford an exercise room and a nurse,” his father grumbled.
Once Upon a Groom Page 9