Once Upon a Groom

by Karen Rose Smith

  “You know what I mean,” he chided. “You’re worried about me. You can’t worry about me. I’m doing better each day. You have to go after what you want, Jenny, or it will slip right through your fingers. Regrets mount up and you want as few as possible when you get to my age.”

  “You’re still young,” she said, believing it.

  “I’m still young enough to have some years left to enjoy. But I’m also old enough to see the end of my life. That puts perspective on everything. Have you heard whether your dad will be here for Christmas?”

  Jenny’s heart squeezed a little at the mention of her dad. “I have no idea. I know he has to make money to live on and that’s what he’s doing with his rodeo technique courses. But just one Christmas I’d love it if he put me first. Selfish, isn’t it?”

  “You deserve to be selfish. I can’t believe you aren’t bitter like Zack.”

  She jumped in quickly. “I don’t think he’s bitter anymore.”

  “But he’s still leaving.”

  “I know.”

  “He’s out with Dusty if you want to go to him.”

  She’d had no idea Zack was with Dusty, but maybe he didn’t want to return to the silence of his room, either.

  After she gave Silas a quick hug, she headed out of the barn.

  Jenny found Zack sitting on top of the fence, even though a breeze whipped across the corral. Olivia’s jingle bells sounded in the distance. Dusty stood about ten feet from Zack, nosing a clump of grass sticking out from a patch of snow. Had Zack been talking to Dusty the same way she’d been talking to Songbird? He said he was happy with his life. He said Christmas was what he made it.

  As quietly as she could, she stepped outside of the barn and walked along the inside perimeter of the fence. Dusty knew her now and shouldn’t be spooked by her presence. He lifted his head and eyed her, then returned to munching.

  “It’s a little cold to be communing with nature,” she advised, the night chill already nipping her nose.

  Zack’s sheepskin collar was turned up and his gloved hands were jammed into his pockets. His Stetson rode low over his brow. The outside barn light barely reached them and his face was in shadows. “Dusty doesn’t seem to mind the cold and I thought—” he gave a half shrug “—the winter air would clear my head.”

  “What are you trying to clear it of?” Her breath made a white puff as she spoke.

  When his answer was a swish of the pines and a dark silence, she asked, “Of memories?”

  He glanced at her and she felt a warm stirring in her belly. The temperature might be dipping into the thirties but the heat between them never ceased.

  “It’s odd,” he said, looking away again, back at Dusty. “All these years, I thought I remembered everything exactly the way it was. But then today, finding Mom’s ornament—” He shook his head as if he still couldn’t clear it, as if he still couldn’t see straight. “I remember the day Dad gave Mom that horse. His name was Quicksilver, a beautiful Appaloosa. I was fourteen and I remember videotaping her riding him. I think all those tapes are packed in the crawl space on the second floor.”

  “Maybe you need to watch them, to get the real picture of what your life was.”

  “I was a kid whose parents fought over my dad’s affairs and gambling.”

  “But not all the time.”

  “Jeez, Jen, you see the world through rose-colored glasses.”

  She felt hurt by his comment and tried not to be. She tried to keep her face a mask because Zack was too good at reading her.

  He climbed down off the fence a little too quickly and Dusty took a turn around the corral. Pulling off his gloves, Zack stuffed them into his pocket, then took her face between his palms. They felt warm against her cold cheeks. They felt warm because this was Zack and she wanted him to touch her.

  “I don’t know how you squeeze the best out of everything,” he wondered. “You should be bitter about your mom dying, your dad leaving you for weeks at a time, a neighbor who looked after you not caring if there was decent food on the table. You were close to my mother and you lost her, too, yet somehow you remember the good about that and you’ve left the sadness behind.”

  Zack thought her leaving the past came naturally without a price. But that wasn’t true. “Maybe I remember the good because I accepted feelings as they came. I was lonely and knew it. I felt abandoned and cried through it. I lost my mom and your mom but I didn’t deny the grief. Ever since I’ve known you, Zack, you close down when you’re in a situation that makes you feel lonely or uncomfortable or sad. You pack it all away and pretend it doesn’t matter. It does matter. It will come back to haunt you if you don’t live in the moment with it.”

  “So that’s your secret? To live in the moment?”

  “I try.”

  Dusty trotted by them and clomped into the stall that would give him protection against the weather.

  As if the moment had gotten too intense, Zack dropped his hands from her face. They both turned to watch the horse.

  “I think he’s been spending more time in there,” Jenny said. “That means he’s beginning to feel safe here.”

  “He’s fine as long as no one closes that stall door. If it’s closed, he feels trapped.”

  Was that why Zack couldn’t seem to settle in one place? Because if he did, he would feel trapped?

  All at once, she was overwhelmed by the love she felt for him. If he was leaving in January, so be it. They had now and didn’t now matter?

  Closing the distance between their bodies, she looked up at him, reached out and stroked his beard stubble, the cleft in his jaw. “Maybe we should go inside, too.”

  His gaze filled with the desire she’d seen there before. She could feel the pulse in his jawline thumping under her fingers.

  “Inside the house or inside the barn?” he prompted.

  “The house is awfully far away.”

  Swinging her up into his arms, he carried her over the uneven ground and strode through the barn’s back door to one of the empty stalls strewn with clean hay. The wind whistled in eaves and she heard the swish of Dusty’s hooves as he shuffled around his stall.

  Zack moved away and came back with a blanket to lay on the straw and another to cover them. Without thinking, Jenny removed her down parka then kept her gaze on Zack as he removed his sheepskin jacket. Watching each other undress was a turn-on, much different from their wild desire on the beach in Malibu, their fast and furious lovemaking that had been more instinct than forethought.

  When Zack lay down beside her, she didn’t hurry to remove his sweater. Rather, she gazed into his eyes as she ran her hands over him.

  He swallowed hard, then in a husky voice said, “You don’t get to have all the fun.”

  His large hands mirrored what she was doing to him until his palms settled on her breasts, until he ran them over her nipples, until she wanted their clothes off as fast as they’d discarded them in his sunroom. But he’d taken his cue from her and Zack wasn’t hurrying this time. No, apparently this time, his aim was optimal pleasure.

  When he leaned in to kiss her, she was surrounded by the outdoor scent of pine and cold air, the earthy scent of Zack himself. His lips took a slow tour of hers and his tongue eased into her mouth. She clenched a fistful of his heavy sweater, the wool coarse against her palm. At first she thought about their tryst in the hayloft when they were only eighteen, but past memories soon gave way to new ones. Zack was a complicated man now. His passion aged and deepened by experience. Hers rippled under the surface until he kissed her or touched her and brought it hungrily to life.

  When he broke away for a moment, she rubbed her nose into his neck and breathed in his scent. Everything about him was wondrously familiar yet different, too. Although he seemed to be in no hurry, she wanted him to need like she did, wanted him to feel restless and hot until their joining was necessary for him to live. She released her grip on his sweater and slid her hand below his waist. He was hard and huge and sh
e rubbed her fingers against his fly until he groaned. He captured her mouth once again and ravished it with his desire. After that, he quickly unsnapped her jeans and she unbelted his. He shucked off his boots while she tugged off hers. They didn’t speak because they had nothing to say. They’d gone over it all. They didn’t want to debate or argue. They wanted to make love.

  Have sex? a little voice asked her. But she ignored it. At this moment, both were one and the same. Maybe later… Later slid into the same place as doubts and worries and consequences. This time Zack protected her. This time she saw something in his eyes that gave her hope.

  After he slid on the condom, he stretched out on his back and pulled her on top of him. “You ride,” he said. “The straw can poke through the blanket. I don’t want it to scratch you.”

  That had happened before. She’d had red streaks all over her back. He was protecting her and she loved that about him. Had he forgiven her for choosing a life here at the Rocky D? Had he forgiven her for not telling him about the baby?

  She hoped so. Oh, how she hoped so.

  They were both naked from the waist down. He slid his hands under her sweater and gripped her hips. She lowered herself onto him slowly, taking him in, closing her eyes, holding her breath. She began moving up and down and his hands caressed her as she did. They rocked together, their pace increasing as the heat built. Before, ecstasy had merely been a word in the dictionary. Now, it was a reality, wrapping itself around her, bringing a flush to her cheeks and a trembling to her limbs. Her climax was so sudden, blinding and earthshaking that she felt her voice shatter as she called his name. He climaxed moments later and shuddered as she leaned forward to hold him. Clinging to each other, Jenny realized what living in the moment meant.

  Living in the moment was wonderful until the moment passed. After the moment passed, she had to make a crucial decision about the rest of her life.

  Chapter Twelve

  Jenny had spent the night in Zack’s room. It had been a wonderful night of being held…of being loved. At least that’s the way she’d seen it. They hadn’t talked. They’d just kissed and sighed and touched and groaned with the pleasure they could give each other. But the night had been about more than pleasure. She’d slipped out of bed before Zack to go down to the barn to do the overseeing that she did every morning, making sure the Rocky D was ready for the day. Then…

  She’d felt the slight cramping. She’d taken a break, gone to the bathroom and found…her period. She had to tell Zack, but she needed to absorb the idea of not being pregnant first…had to tamp down her disappointment that should have been relief.

  She couldn’t keep the questions from running through her head. After their loving last night, would Zack still leave after New Year’s? Would he ask her to go with him? Could she leave the Rocky D? But the one that bothered her most was the one concerning Zack and how he felt about marriage. She’d always dreamed of marriage and a family. She wanted them both together. She wanted to do it right.

  But if Zack couldn’t commit to forever…

  She and Hank were saddling up two of the horses to exercise them in the arena when Zack came into the barn, his expression worried.

  What she’d love was a morning kiss and a hug. What she’d like was to put her arms around Zack and ask him what was wrong. But with Hank standing there, they couldn’t seem to be free with each other.

  “Can you come up to the house?” Zack asked.

  “Problem?” she inquired, knowing there was even before the question popped out.

  “Dad wants to talk to us.”

  Hank took the horse’s reins from her hands. “I’ll take care of Jiggs.”

  With a “thanks,” she reluctantly let go of the reins, then followed Zack. Once outside the arena, she stole a glance at him as they walked. “Is your dad okay?” Are you okay? she wanted to add.

  “I’m not sure. He has this look of grim determination on his face and we’re meeting in his study, so this is formal.”

  “He seemed quiet yesterday.”

  “I know. I was going to spend some time with him last night but—” He cut off abruptly.

  But they’d met in the barn. They’d made love in the barn, and then all night long. Did Silas know they were together? Is that what this meeting was about? She was so aware of Zack beside her, his brooding intensity, his sheer physical presence. He hadn’t worn a jacket. His thick, navy sweater made her want to burrow into his chest. His quick strides made her want to shout, Stop, let’s talk about last night. His black hair blowing in the wind made her want to run her hand through it, not just for today, but for tomorrow and all the tomorrows to come. But Zack’s tomorrows, at least for the next few months, consisted of traveling and interviews and production meetings and a movie he wanted to make. Where could she possibly fit into that?

  Maybe he was wondering the same thing. Because suddenly, he wasn’t on the move. He was stopping, stepping closer, sliding his hand under her hair, bringing her to him for a kiss. It was a long, heated, deep kiss that reminded her of the closeness they’d had last night. But then he was leaning away and saying, “Let’s go find out what this meeting’s about.”

  Silas sat in his wood-paneled study, not looking as imposing as he once did behind the huge mahogany desk. With a no-nonsense business look on his face, he motioned to the two leather club chairs.

  “Have a seat,” he said. “There’s something I need to say to the both of you.”

  Jenny couldn’t tell from Silas’s expression or the way he looked at her and Zack what this was about. Over the years she’d had hundreds of meetings with Silas in this room. But none of them were quite as formidable as this one seemed to be. A chill ran up her spine and she wanted to take Zack’s hand for support. But he stood ramrod straight, waiting for her to be seated before he was. She sank down onto the chair, rather wishing she could stand. Zack seemed to be feeling the same way because it took him a few moments before he lowered himself into the chair.

  Silas folded his hands on the desk blotter, as if he needed some kind of calming gesture, too. Then he cleared his throat. Finally he said, “I’ve received an offer for the Rocky D that I have to consider.”

  Jenny felt a gasp escape her lips, as if she’d been punched in the solar plexus. Zack had gone motionless, just staring at Silas in silence.

  “A businessman from Houston wants to develop the land into a retirement village.”

  Silas’s words hung in the air and Jenny couldn’t seem to find a response.

  But Zack did. His voice tight, he said, “I didn’t think you’d ever want to sell.”

  “I don’t see that I have a choice.” Silas sounded weary and defeated as he went on, “I can’t act like an owner anymore, driving to sales, keeping up with the latest breeding techniques, training yearlings myself.”

  “That’s nonsense!” Zack protested. “You’re recovering from your heart attack. You can do whatever you want to do. You’re still young.” He said it forcefully, as if his energy could somehow instill in Silas hope for the future.

  “Maybe I’m just plain tired. The doc says I should reduce stress. Maybe I want to slow down. Maybe the dreams I have for the future have nothing to do with the Rocky D.”

  “What are those dreams?” Zack asked, as if he had the right to know.

  “I want to spend more time with Anna. I don’t want to worry if we’ve got red ink on the books. I don’t want to worry if I’m overburdening Jenny, or taking advantage of the hands, or simply not doing everything I need to do. That heart attack made me see everything in a different light.”

  His gaze came to rest affectionately on Jenny. “I’m not going to leave you out in the cold. I would never do that.” He lifted a piece of paper from his desk and slid it across to her. “Brock Winchester owns a place near Sedona. His foreman is retiring. I told him about you and he’s interested in bringing you in. You’ll have to interview with him, but I don’t think there’s any doubt that he’ll like your résumé.
”

  Her résumé. Leaving the Rocky D…like this. Retirement cottages or condos sitting on the land she loved.

  “You can’t sell the ranch as it is? Where will the horses go? Songbird and Tattoo and Dusty?” she asked with real fear in her voice.

  “To sell this place as it is would take too long. I’d need somebody with money to burn. Somebody who didn’t want to turn the ranch into a breeding factory rather than the place it is. I’d rather find good homes for all the horses, or give them away, than see that happen. And Songbird is yours, wherever you go.”

  She supposed she would like to see all the horses placed in good homes, too, with people who would love them. But still—

  Suddenly, the door chime reverberated through the house.

  Silas stood. “I know I’ve given you both a lot to think about. We’ll talk about this again in a few days. Mr. Lowery is going to fly up here next week and he can answer all your questions. We’re thinking about making the transaction final by the end of March.” Silas targeted Zack. “But with you leaving, I wanted him here before Christmas.”

  Martha came to Silas’s study door and peeked in. “I don’t want to interrupt, but Jenny and Zack, you have visitors. The Larson family is here.”

  Silas motioned Jenny and Zack out of the den. “Go on,” he said. “We’re done here for now.”

  Jenny still felt shell-shocked when she and Zack entered the living room and found Stan, Helen, Tanya and Michael waiting. Helen had called to cancel their lesson on Saturday because they were driving to Phoenix. The two adults looked uncomfortable, but the kids wore smiles.

  “We didn’t mean to intrude,” Stan said right away. “But we wanted to say goodbye.”

  “We’re moving tomorrow!” Michael announced, readjusting his backpack on his shoulders and approaching Zack. “Tanya and I are gonna have our own rooms and everything.”

  Stan added, “After we got to Phoenix, your friend, Mr. Barrett, showed us a few places he thought would be suitable. Once we really get on our feet again we’ll look for a house. But in the meantime, we found a town-house that will be perfect.”