by Marian Tee
She wanted to say no, but she knew she was only being selfish if she did. “All right. I’ll speak to him…and then after that, we’ll go?”
Katya nodded. “As soon as you’re ready.”
****
Helios knocked on the door twice, his heart constricting when he heard MJ’s lovely voice call for him to come in. She looked up the moment he entered, violet eyes meeting gold. Hers were wary and haunted, his were inscrutable.
He had dressed up for this, MJ realized with a pang. No plain round-collared shirt, he had on something gray and elegant with a collar. No jeans, too. Instead, he had on a pair of corduroy pants. He was probably the fanciest-dressed student of Christopoulos University right now, second only to perhaps Kellion or Derek Christopoulos himself, who everyone teased as Greece’s manliest fashion plate.
“These are for you,” Helios said unevenly, presenting her with a bouquet of flowers. He had chosen it himself, making sure nothing about it would remind her of the bouquet she had held…that time.
“Thanks.” She was careful not to accidentally touch him as she accepted the bouquet and placed it on the bedside table. When Helios lowered herself to the seat next to the bed, she tried her best not to flinch at how close he was.
When she looked up, she realized that he had noticed her tension anyway.
His lips twisted. “Is it just me or is it men in general?”
She shrugged.
Helios’ face became grimmer. “Just me then.”
At his words, her head jerked up.
Seeing the shock on her face, he asked rawly, “Did you really think having us spend time apart would make me know you less?” He told himself not to continue after that, but he couldn’t help it. Every day he wasn’t able to hold her in his arms was killing him, and he demanded hoarsely, “And did you really think what happened would make me love you less?”
She pressed her hands to her mouth, trying to keep herself from crying. “I’m sorry,” was all she could say.
He shook his head. “Talk to me.”
She shook her head, pressing her hands harder to her mouth to suppress her sobs.
His voice became ragged and thin. “Is it because of what I did? That I killed…James?”
She shook her head, wishing she could tell him that if she had been given the chance, maybe she would have killed the man herself. Someone like James shouldn’t be allowed to live, and he should definitely not have been entrusted with the care of a young girl.
Helios swallowed. He wanted to reach out for her hand, to hold her and reassure her, but he restrained himself with an effort. She looked like she was about to break any moment, her body fragile and painfully thin. She had been broken so many times he couldn’t allow himself be another reason for her to break, not even if it meant he was the one who’d break instead.
“Then is it because…of the women? James told me…you knew.”
She shook her head once more. Kellion and the other officers had told her all about Helios’ plan. There was nothing to forgive about it. He had done what he had to do to find her.
Helios’ fists clenched in frustration. “Then what?” He tried to keep his voice low and steady even if something inside him threatened to explode at the distance MJ was keeping from him. “Is it because of what I had to do with Gracie Langley? Is that it?”
The agony on his face was unbearable, forcing her to speak. “No. Th-that’s not it.” Of all the people in the world, Helios shouldn’t be made to suffer for what happened to her. He had sacrificed so much for her. It wasn’t his fault that the ordeal had changed her, made her cold inside and out.
“Then what? Tell me,” he begged. “Talk to me.”
“It’s not you.” She slowly pointed to herself. “It’s me. I can’t…I just can’t love you anymore.”
His face whitened in pain at her words. “Why?”
“Because…” Her voice fell in shame. “I’m dirty.” As soon as she said the words, there was no stopping the tears she had held back for so long. “I’m…d-dirty. The t-things I h-had to do…I c-can’t…I d-don’t want…”
He tried to reach out for her but stopped when she went wild, almost falling out of the bed in her haste to keep herself out of his reach.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, sobbing. “I just can’t. I’ll always feel dirty. And as long as I feel this way, I can’t even think about l-loving you.”
“I don’t care—”
“But I do,” she screamed. “I do! Every night, I feel him raping me. Every night, I’m on my knees, sucking his dick.” Her sobs shook her body. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget, Helios.” She looked at him with eyes dark with terror. “I’ll always be his…even if he’s dead.”
Chapter Thirteen
“You have to give her up, President.”
Maybe he had to. Because of all the people who could tell that to his face, he had not expected it to be Yuri Athanas. He was the one closest to MJ, the one who knew about everything that MJ had gone through. If Yuri was telling him to give up now, then maybe he had to.
Helios downed another shot. “Not while I’m still breathing.” They were in the private lounge of the nightclub Christien di Luca owned, the only establishment in Miami that did not yet have Helios Andreadis blacklisted.
“You have to accept the fact that she might never recover from what’s happened,” Kellion said.
“You did what you could. You got her out alive. But that’s it. It ends there. You can’t keep doing this to yourself—” Andreus shook his head in disgust as he watched Helios pour himself another shot. The Helios Andreadis he knew had never been the type to get himself drunk, but ever since MJ had flat out refused to get back together with him, Helios had spent every night drowning himself in liquor.
Eventually, Helios’ friends forced him out of the club, driving him to his home. He allowed them to do what they wanted, pretending he was completely intoxicated.
If only that was true.
Night after night, it was his number one goal. To drink himself into oblivion. But when he got to his bed, his mind would be painfully clear, and all he could think about was the yawning emptiness ahead of him. That was what life would be like without MJ.
When he was sure his friends had all left, Helios swiftly got out of his bed and made his way to the garage. Hopping on his bike, he drove to the hospital, where he knew MJ would be spending her last night. He would prove it to them, Helios thought doggedly. He would show them they were all wrong. MJ was not broken. He would know if she was. And she wasn’t. He was the reason she lived, the same way she was the reason why he lived. She might have forgotten that, but he hadn’t.
When he got to the hospital, he began to shout, “MJ.”
****
“Ms. Cartwright? I’m terribly sorry to wake you up, but I think you need to know…”
Groggily, MJ pushed herself up. “What is it?” she asked worriedly, seeing the flustered look on the nurse’s face. On the bed next to hers, MJ saw Katya stir awake at the commotion. She had insisted that she was fine on her own, but Katya and Ioniko had still taken turns sleeping with her. It was the most humbling feeling, knowing that after all these years, she finally had a real family.
If only…
But she didn’t allow herself to continue the thought.
The nurse rushed towards the windows and pulling the curtains back, she said, “Perhaps…you’d like to see for yourself? I don’t think Mr. Andreadis will stop until he hears from you.”
MJ was stunned. “Helios?” Her eyes flew to the wall clock. It was three-thirty in the morning. What was Helios Andreadis doing here?
She and Katya walked to the windows, and MJ paled when she saw Helios waving a gun, forcing everyone to keep back. “How long has he been doing that?” she whispered.
“About five minutes,” the nurse answered, her tone half envious, half worried. It was clear she found the idea of Helios paying MJ a midnight call very romantic. Crazy, too, but st
ill.
Helios was shouting her name again. When she looked down, she saw that Helios was looking up at her.
“I love you, MJ.”
Oh no.
Helios waited with bated breath for MJ to answer, but she only stared at him from the second floor, her eyes heavy with misery.
Ah, God, Helios thought. The sight of those miserable violet eyes was going to send him to an early grave. Was he the reason she was sad? Was he the one keeping her from moving on? Was he the selfish one here, forcing himself on her when clearly all he reminded her of were the very worst memories?
Just one more chance, he told himself. One chance to make her realize she loved him and if she still didn’t—
“MJ,” he shouted again when he saw her about to turn her back.
He almost believed she was going to ignore him by the time she faced him again. It had taken her so long to reappear by the window. Guessing he had two, three minutes max to do what he came here for before the police arrived, he shouted, “I’m going to prove to you I love you.”
MJ didn’t say a thing.
He pointed towards the ten-foot walls of the hospital. “See that?” he shouted. “I’m going to fly over that for you, MJ. It’s my way of proving you that I love you.” As he said the words, a part of Helios warned him that while he might have been able to do that sober, he was not exactly sober right now.
He shrugged the worry away.
“Here I go, brat. Watch me fly for yooooouuuuu—”
Heart in her throat, MJ watched Helios maneuver his bike to face the wall.
Katya was distressed. “Won’t you try to stop him?”
Slowly, MJ whispered, “I don’t have a right to stop him.”
“But he’s doing it for you!”
“I didn’t ask him to do it.”
Katya shook her head. “Why have you become so cold, MJ? I don’t understand you.” She walked hurriedly towards the door. “If you’re not going to stop him, I will. For you. He’s the man you once loved. I can’t believe you’ve really forgotten that.”
The door slammed shut behind Katya.
Below her, Helios was flying.
The man she once loved.
It was as if she was watching a movie scene unfold when Helios lost control of his bike and he began to fall. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, and a part of her didn’t see Helios as he fell. What she saw instead was herself, falling down, down, down when she, too, once tried to win his love this way.
Helios’s back slammed against the ground.
A crowd instantly swarmed around him, and soon, she saw Helios being lifted on a stretcher.
Looking at him lying on the stretcher, stirring ever so slightly, she realized something painfully true.
By allowing him to earn her love when he shouldn’t even have to, she had become the one person she didn’t ever want to be.
She had become James.
Swish.
The thought had her collapsing on the bed, and she stared blankly at the walls, unable to believe how much she had changed. Why? Why? Why had she changed so much?
She stayed there, unmoving, for hours, trying to think of a way to make herself human…even if it was only for Helios’ sake. But she couldn’t. It was as if her heart had turned into stone, protecting itself by not beating for anyone except for herself.
When Katya came back to MJ’s room, she saw her sister sitting on the bed, a vacant look on her face. “MJ?”
“Is he all right?”
“Yes. He’s either really strong or really lucky. He only got off with a couple of bruises.”
A ghost of a smile flitted over MJ’s lips. “I broke my ribs when I did the same thing.”
Katya hesitantly returned the smile. “Would you like to see him?” Her eyes darted to the door. “He asked for you, you know.”
Slowly, MJ shook her head. “No. I think…it’s better this way. He has to understand I’m not the same MJ he…knew before.”
Katya said vehemently, “Don’t do that. Helios Andreadis didn’t just know you, MJ. He loved you, and you’re being unfair, pretending you don’t know that.”
MJ said painfully, “I just really think he’s better off without me. And the colder I act towards him, it’s as if I feel better.” A choked sob escaped her. “I don’t understand what’s happening to me, Kat. All I know is that for his sake, I have to stay away before he finds out that I’m happy…I’m happy when he’s hurting.”
Outside MJ’s room, Helios slowly lowered his fist and leaned against the wall, his face drawn.
He had heard every word.
Chapter Fourteen
“Ready to go?” Ioniko asked gravely even though he knew it was a pointless question. Katya had told him their sister hadn’t slept a wink, spending the rest of the night packing her things and making calls to ensure she no longer had any need to go back to Miami.
MJ nodded. “Ready as I will ever be.” She forced a smile, telling herself she had learn to do it sooner or later anyway.
Katya returned her smile, but her sister’s was an even bigger fake. MJ’s heart constricted, knowing how much Katya worried over her. But it was as if she couldn’t completely empathize with anyone. Walls around her heart had somehow come out of nowhere, preventing her from feeling as much as she wanted.
She could smile, but she couldn’t laugh. She could whisper, but she couldn’t shout. And she could care, but she could never love.
They stepped inside the elevator, the silence between them unbroken. She closed her eyes.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She was doing the right thing.
She was.
MJ opened her eyes when the elevator chimed, and the doors opened to the lobby. Ioniko stepped out first and Katya followed. Only when she stepped out did she see the man standing at the very center, hair disheveled, clothes rumpled, but still looking like the most beautiful man in the world.
Oh God, God, God.
Why do you keep doing this to me, God?
Why?
“MJ,” he said hoarsely.
His voice snapped her out of her reverie, and lifting her chin, she forced herself to walk.
“MJ…”
Still, she didn’t falter, forcing herself to walk past him. But before she could, he had his fingers wrapped around her wrist. He spun her around, and she opened her mouth to tell him to let her go. But he beat her to talking, and the words he told her wrecked her world.
“I heard what you said last night.”
MJ almost fell back.
Oh God, no.
Helios never took his gaze off hers. “And I don’t give a fuck. Stay with me and torture me if it makes you happy. Just…stay with me. Don’t leave.” His voice broke.
She squeezed her eyes shut at the torment in Helios’ gaze. It wasn’t right to have someone so strong and proud like Helios begging her like this. “Please,” she said thinly, “please let me go.”
“Didn’t you hear me?” he growled rawly. “I want you with me, whatever the consequence, no matter what.”
She tried pulling away, desperate to put some distance between them. “I won’t ever allow that to happen. If you really heard me…” MJ gasped. She had to. She just couldn’t breathe, the pain inside her ballooning to such proportions it was as if she could no longer breathe without hurting.
“I can’t ever do that to you,” she choked out. “I can’t. I don’t want to.”
“But I want you to,” he said tightly. “I need you to. Because the alternative is worse. I don’t want to lose you.”
She shook her head and the tears started to fall. “Please. Just let me go.”
The hopelessness in her voice chilled and weakened him, but he rallied on, knowing he would fight for her until his dying breath. He had fucking faced a fucking nation of criminals for her. He would not give up now.
“Tell me,” he urged her tautly. “Just tell me what you want—”
Even knowing she w
as being unfair, she cried out, “Ioniko.”
In a second, her brother was there, pulling her away from Helios.
Helios went berserk as he found himself surrounded by Ioniko Vlahos’ men, all of them intent on keeping the woman he loved away from her.
“MJ, no! Don’t leave me!”
But still, he saw her sobbing as she turned her back at him.
If she disappeared on him now, he had a feeling he would never see her again.
Panic ate at him, driving him to his knees.
“What the fuck do you want me to do?” he shouted. “Do I need to get myself raped just to make us even? Because if that’s what it takes for us to be together again, then it’s what I’ll do.” His chest heaved, his emotions spiraling out of control. “How many men do you want? Five? Ten?”
MJ shuddered to a stop, crying so hard she could no longer make herself move. His words were so, so vile, but they were words of love, too, and she knew it.
Behind her, Helios’ voice was hoarse and panicky. “Tell me,” he shouted. “You want it done with a fucking GoPro? Anything. Just…” His voice broke. “Don’t leave me.”
And when Helios Andreadis crumbled in front of everyone, so did the walls around her heart. Everything just clicked, and it became so wonderfully, painfully clear.
All this time, she had pushed him away because deep inside, she was afraid he would do it. She had been afraid they would do it to her. That if she allowed herself to believe everyone would still love her…that was when they would turn their backs on her.
That was when they would realize she could never earn their love.
And so before that could happen, she had forced everyone to earn her love instead. Katya, Ioniko, and Helios.
“Please…MJ…what do you need me to do so I can deserve you?”
With a cry, MJ whirled around and ran to Helios, falling to her knees and pulling him into her arms. He gasped and shuddered in the circle of her embrace. The sound and feel of his relief made her cry harder. Made her hug him harder, too.