by Ashley Jade
Because it's so much better than the alternative...her continuing to blame and hate herself.
She straddles my lap and leans her head against my chest. "I'm so sorry, baby." I press my lips to her forehead and rub soothing circles along her spine. "It's all my fault. Not yours."
She begins crying again and I feel like the world's biggest asshole.
"I hate you," she screams through sobs as her hand finds my cock and she brings me inside her.
I fight back my groan of both pleasure and heartache and look into her eyes. "I'm sorry."
And I am. God, I fucking am. There's nothing that can ever undo what happened.
There's nothing that can ever fix us after this.
She begins rocking over me and I plant delicate kisses along her collarbone, remembering the knife I held up to it not too long ago. "I'm sorry, baby," I continue whispering between kisses. "It's all my fault, not yours."
I run my tongue along her pulse point, needing to feel it beat. "Never your fault," I murmur against her soft skin.
She skates her hand across my jaw and rests her forehead against mine as she begins picking up her shallow pace. "Take all the pain away, Ricky."
I wrap an arm around her lower back, lift my hips and thrust. Goosebumps dance along her flesh and she sighs my name.
I can't hold back my groan this time because it feels like heaven being inside her again, even though we're going through hell.
I repeat the movement and she scratches her nails down my back. "I hate you," she screams. "It's your fault."
The pain of those words slice through me but I caress the side of her face and gently kiss her tears away. "You're right. It is all my fault, Lou-Lou."
Her nails claw into my back again, this time drawing blood. "I hate you."
She leans back and I drag my tongue along her nipple before pulling it into my mouth and gently sucking. "It was all my fault," I repeat over and over again. "Not yours."
I'll take every ounce of blame and I'll fucking bathe in it so she doesn't have to. I'll let it chew me up and spit me out until it eats me alive and there's nothing left of my sick fucking soul.
I'll keep making love to her...even though she's making hate to me.
Her sobs soon turn into moans and she looks up at me in turmoil.
I know what she wants and what she needs right now, she just doesn't know how to ask me for it anymore...or worse, she doesn't believe she deserves it.
I bring my hand down between us until my finger lands on her clit. "I'll take care of you." I flick her clit and she sucks in a breath. "I'll take it all away."
I squeeze and knead her ass with one hand, circle her clit with my knuckle, and drive into her deeper. She begins to clench around me, her wetness coating my cock. I pull back until I'm almost completely out and slam into her so hard my balls tingle.
She mewls and a flush spreads over her chest and neck. I grip her clit between my two fingers and begin massaging it as I continue pumping in and out of her. When she's dripping down my balls and I know she's about to come, I grab her chin and kiss her like there's no tomorrow.
Hell, for me...there might not be.
She opens her mouth and moans and I can taste her tears in our kiss. I flick my tongue against hers slowly and sweetly as she rides out her orgasm. As soon as she's on the decline, I rub her clit again and she bucks her hips. I move my lips to the spot just under her ear and murmur, "I've got you, baby. This isn't over."
Because we'll never be over. Even when we are.
I lean back, fasten my hands on her hips and angle her so my dick hits her clit with every thrust. Her eyes flutter and she tosses her head back. I take the opportunity to lick and suck every inch of her exposed throat as she falls apart in my arms again and again.
"You can't kill him, Ricardo." She rolls over and looks at me. "The council will get their revenge."
I pull her into my arms and kiss her shoulder blade. "No, they won't. Because I'm all they'll have left."
She reaches up and grabs my face. "What about Jackson and Tyrone, huh? What about me? They could take one of us out. Did you ever stop and think about that?"
"I—" I stall, because I don't have a response. At least, not a well-thought out one.
She rubs her nose against mine and squeezes her eyes shut. "Do you love me?"
"Open your eyes," I tell her. When she does I say, "Ti amerò fino al giorno della mia morte ... e non solo." I will love you until my dying day and beyond.
"I don't know what that means," she whispers. "I thought I love you in Italian was, Ti amo?"
I slide my hand to the back of her neck and pull her close until our lips are almost touching. "It is. But what I feel for you goes far beyond that." I lean my forehead against hers. "My 'Ti amo' means I'd do anything in the world for you."
She drops her gaze before her eyes land on mine. "Then let me kill DeLuca."
Except that.
Chapter 42 (Lou-Lou)
He jumps out of bed. "Absolutely not." He begins pacing. "You're not going anywhere near him again, Lou-Lou. I mean it."
I wrap the sheet around me and sit up. "You can't tell me what to do."
I get out of bed and stand in front of him, my anger growing by the second. "I need to kill him."
He crosses his arms and stares me down. "No. It's too dangerous. I told you. I'm handling this."
I match his stance. "Just like you handled everything before?"
Hurt splashes across his face but I don't care. "There's nothing you can do to stop me, Ricardo. It's happening."
He takes a step forward. "No it's not." He grabs me by my arms. "He'd kill you before you'd even get the chance."
I back away from him. "I need to kill him, Ricardo." Tears well in my eyes as I reach for my purse. "He has taken everything from me."
"Lou-Lou," he says softly while reaching for me.
"No," I scream while rummaging around in my purse. "I'll never be free. I'll never be able to escape him if I'm not the one who kills him." I pull out the sonogram and slap it on his chest. "He took my baby. He took the one thing I wanted more than anything."
He flips over the sonogram and looks at it. His finger grazes the spot where 'Thumper' is scrawled and his eyes become glassy.
"The heartbeat," I state. When he gives me a questioning look I say, "The first time I went to the doctor I wanted an abortion. I wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy because I thought it would be easier for me. I was trying to protect you. I was trying to protect everyone."
His eyebrows knit together and he opens his mouth but I halt him. "The nurse screwed something up with the wires and this scary, frantic, amazing, thumping sound filled the room." I clutch a hand to my chest and force myself to go on because he needs to understand. "God, Ricardo. It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life. So strong, so full of life, such a fighter. I knew right then and there I was meant to be a mother. I wanted that baby. I wanted to be my baby's mother."
"Lou-Lou—" he chokes out before I continue. "I hear that heartbeat every time I close my eyes. It haunts me. Everything that he's taken from me...haunts me."
In two more steps he's pulling me to him and crushing me against his chest. "I'm so sorry, Lou-Lou. But I still can't let you kill him." My stomach sours with those words and I struggle out of his hold but he holds me tight. "Because if something happened to you...if he—," he swallows hard like he can't even say the words. "I'm not putting you in that position." He clears his throat and stands up straight. "I will come up with a plan," he starts and I can barely hold back my scoff of disgust. "A plan that will keep everyone safe before I kill him."
"Jesus this is like a bad case of déjà vu." I snatch my clothes off the floor and begin getting dressed.
His eyes narrow. "Where are you going?"
I button my jeans and head for the door. "Away from you."
He spins me around and my hand connects with his cheek. "Don't touch me." He takes a step back and I
point my finger at him. "I believed you the last time, but I know better now."
"What are you talking about?"
I look him right in the eyes. "I waited for you to come up with a plan...and look what happened." I open my arms wide and gesture around the room. "Look where we ended up."
I turn around and reach for the doorknob. "'I'm tired of waiting for you...at least I know I'm not a coward."
Chapter 43 (Ricardo)
I walk past the nurse’s station and head for his room. A fucked up combination of guilt and uncertainty hits me causing me to pause just outside his door.
I haven't been able to bring myself back here since the night he was stabbed, although I call Momma every hour on the hour for updates.
But seeing as DeLuca's scheduled to come back from Italy tomorrow and I plan on murdering him...there's no time like the present to do what I came here to do.
Apologize...and tell him the truth.
The sound of the machines beeping and the sight of the tubes he's still connected to makes the guilt pumping through me even worse and I squeeze the letter in my hand.
I would talk to him face to face but Momma said he's still out of it and they've got him doped up on a shitload of meds. Apparently he tried pulling his tubes out yesterday and getting out of bed for the first time.
When he realized he couldn't..he flipped out and kicked everyone out of the room...including Momma and Shelby.
Then he told the nurses not to let anyone visit him until he was ready...in addition to asking for more pain medication.
I walk across the room being as quiet as I can until I'm standing next to his bed.
I'm in the process of sticking the letter next to his pillow when a hand grabs my arm. "I knew it was only a matter of time before you'd end up sneaking in here. You were never one to follow the rules." He raises a brow when he looks down. "Writing me love letters?"
"Something like that," I say as I pull up a chair beside his bed. My shoulders slump as I look around the room. "I'd ask how you're feeling but I'm pretty sure I already know the answer."
He snorts. "And I'd ask why you're bothering with small talk but I'm pretty sure I already know the answer." He reaches for the glass of water on the table and I damn near crumble when I see him struggling. This was a man that I trained and worked out with for almost 4 years. I've seen him push his body to the physical limits every damn day and to see him like this is brutal.
I jump to my feet, grab the cup and put the straw to his lips...only for him to take it from me and throw it across the room. "Don't ," he shouts while pointing to the door. "Momma, Shelby, hell even Jackson...I expect that shit from them. But I never want it from you."
"I'm just trying to help—" I start to say.
"If you want to help me you can do it by acting like you. Push me. Tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself, be thankful I'm still alive, and get my shit together." He points a finger at me. "Be the person I look up to." He throws the letter in my face. "Don't baby me and write me fucking letters because it's the easy way out instead of saying what you need to say to my goddamn face."
I open my mouth but he shouts, "And don't you dare apologize for what happened." He adjusts his pillow and sighs. "And tell Lou-Lou it wasn't her fault either. It was mine, I knew better and I did it anyway. I'm to blame." His jaw hardens. "Me and DeLuca."
I rock on my heels and take a breath. "Tyrone...there's something I have to tell you."
"No. You don't."
"Yes," I insist. "I haven't been honest with you about who I am—"
This time he launches the remote across the room. "Stop!"
"No, Tyrone. I'm De—"
"My brother," he says cutting me off. "You're the person who protected me and Jackson...even though you had no reason to. You still did." He looks me in the eyes. "That's who you are."
"I—"
He reaches under his pillow and pulls out another letter. "You and your girl have similar ways of expressing your guilt."
I stare at the letter in his hand. I'm not quite sure how I should feel about Lou-Lou telling Tyrone the truth about me. Especially since we haven't spoken to one another in days.
"Get that look off your face, Ricardo. She didn't rat you out to get back at you."
When I give him a look he says, "Not only did she put all the blame on herself for what happened to me. She didn't want me to hate you for something you have no control over." He smirks and holds up the letter. "She wrote that a good 10 times alone." He tucks the letter back under his pillow. "That girl loves you, man. She might be involved with him...but she loves you."
"I don't know what to say—" I begin.
"You don't have to say anything, brother," he says before his expression turns worried. "Just keep an eye on Jackson for me. Lilly's birthday is tomorrow and with everything that went on this week...and Alyssa—" he stops mid-sentence but I force him to continue. "Alyssa what, Tyrone?" This is not the time for fucking secrets.
"Nothing," he says quickly.
"Tyrone," I prompt and he relents.
"Fine. Look, Alyssa loves Jackson. And lord knows, Jackson loves her. But...she's got issues with DeLuca. I don't know what they are because Jackson wouldn't tell me but it's serious. Very serious."
Shit. That means Jackson knows that DeLuca killed her dad.
Tyrone's right...because combined with what happened to Tyrone this week...and the way he flipped out at the hospital—he's a ticking time bomb.
"Dammit," I mutter and Tyrone's eyebrows shoot up. "Am I right to assume you already know the severity of those issues?"
Since I don't have to keep any secrets from him anymore I give him a nod. "Yeah. But don't worry. DeLuca will be taken care of tomorrow."
"Tomorrow's Lilly's birthday," Tyrone says and I make a face. "I don't follow. Are you saying he's planning on attacking DeLuca tomorrow.?"
"No. What I'm saying is he's supposed to be going to Boston...but there's no way to know for sure."
"Sure there is." When he gives me a questioning look I hold up my keys.
If I tell him to take my car to Boston...I'll be able to track his every move and see what he's up to.
Then I'll be able to plan everything accordingly.
I turn to leave but Tyrone's voice halts me, "Ricardo...are you sure this is really the right way to go about this?"
"It's the only way."
"I—" he pauses. "I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm gonna need your help in order to make it through all this shit."
I turn around and give him a smile. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Be thankful you're still alive...and get your shit together." I give him a pointed look. "And stop telling Momma she's not allowed to see you. She's worried sick about you and if you make her cry again—hospital bed or not, I'm gonna kick your ass."
He returns my smile. "Love you, brother."
There's no guilt looming when I say it back to him.
I watch as Lou-Lou crosses the street and heads for the church on the corner just like she always does.
Only this time, it's not in the middle of the night.
And this time...I follow her inside.
DeLuca will be here in a few hours and time's running out.
I take a seat in the last pew all the way in the back of the church.
I'm not trying to hide my presence, I just don't want to disturb her while she does whatever it is that she came here to do.
My chest knots when she lights a candle and tells Thumper how sorry she is.
She has no idea, but I wanted that baby just as much as she did.
Maybe even more...based on the sole fact that our baby was supposed to protect her.
I feel something drip down my face with my next thought.
I wanted to be our baby's father.
Correction-I wanted to be her baby's father.
I stare at her and my heart compresses against my chest.
I would have loved our baby with every single part of me.
That baby would have been the very best part of me...her.
Because inside that broken and damaged soul is a girl who's stronger than a diamond.
A girl who's afraid of the monsters under her own bed...but would fight them all head on to protect those she loves.
Lou-Lou might have started out as the devil's mistress...but somewhere along the way she ended up becoming my angel.
And now I have to let my angel fly far away...before I end up dragging her through the pits of hell with me.
Her eyes lock with mine from across the church and I stand up and start making my way over to her.
I'm only a few steps when she runs and launches herself into my arms.
I catch her and hold onto her for dear life because I know it's the last time I'll ever hold her like this.
"I'm sorry I called you a coward," she says. "You're not. You're the furthest thing from one, Ricardo. I was angry and upset and I—"
I close my eyes, bury my face into her neck and inhale her—my heart is begging me not to let her go but I have to. "It's okay, baby."
Her tears soak through my shirt and I feel my own eyes begin to burn. "I miss you," she whispers. "God, I've missed you so much."
I pull back, cup her face in my hands, and stare into those gorgeous doe eyes of hers. "I miss you, too...I'll never stop missing you."
She stiffens in my arms. "I don't understand. Why does it sound like you're saying goodbye?"
"Because I am."
She stares up at me in confusion as I continue. "You deserve to live, Lou-Lou. You deserve to travel the world, fall in love, have babies, and experience everything this life has to offer."
Her lower lip trembles and she takes a step back. "No. I don't want to travel, I can't have babies anymore...and I don't want anyone else in the world but you. " She shakes her head. "Don't do this to me, Ricky." She grabs the collar of my shirt and more tears fall down her face. "Please don't send me away. Please don't get rid of me. I—I don't have anyone else."
That statement smashes what's left of my heart because I know she'd stay with me forever.