by Sam Meekings
The tall man shook his head. ‘No, I think I’ll go for the pale one, whatever her flaws. I never much cared for the dark ones, they just look too damn dirty.’
He led Silk away as the silent man stood up and, after much cajoling from his colleagues, held out a hand to Tiger. She looked as if she was going to burst out into cries of thanks to the spirits at her good luck. The next one picked Homely and slapped his fat behind as they walked away, laughing that he needed something big to hold onto. That left the leader sitting on the plump cushions, running his eyes over Boy and me as we stood nervously in front of him.
‘Hmm. Now, unlike my more adventurous companions, I usually prefer the company of a good woman. The trouble is, I’m not sure you fit that description, my dear. I seem to remember my stuck-up cousin saying he’d had a good time with you, but as with all the other choices he had made in his life, I think he was drawn to the average and unexceptional. Plus your lumpy nose has grown hideously misshapen since I was last here, no doubt as retribution from some disappointed customer. No, I think I will have to go with the boy. At least he still looks firm in all the right places.’
I saw Boy swallow anxiously as the man stood up and beckoned to him.
‘No!’ I yelped. I couldn’t control myself.
‘No?’ The man’s thin lips curled into a scornful smile.
‘I mean, please take me. I need it, I’m longing for it. He’s new and inexperienced – he can’t make you feel like I will.’
‘He’ll learn,’ the man replied. ‘You are only debasing yourself, girl. Nothing puts a gentleman off more than the stink of desperation.’
‘Wait. Please.’ I racked my brains – I’d never had the chance to swap myself for Boy before. ‘I’ve wanted you since you first came here with your uncle. I’ve thought about you every day since. I’m burning for you. I’ll do anything you ask of me. Just give me the chance to spend one night in your arms.’
He turned back and looked me up and down again. As long as you’re saying something good about him, a man will believe anything. A woman, meanwhile, learns to see through every compliment she ever gets.
‘Anything I ask? Hmm. I had no idea I inspired as much devotion in the wilderness as I do back in the capital. Well, I do not wish to disappoint. Come on then, this better be worth my while.’
Over the next hour and a half, until we both collapsed sweaty and exhausted, I did everything I could think of to make him pant and squirm. He was clammy and rough and merciless, and I had to reach into the back of my mind for every little trick I had learnt from the others – I groaned and licked and bit and nibbled and stroked and clutched and squeezed and shook every last drop of desire from him, and though I did it all with hatred bubbling beneath my fluttering eyelids, with disgust burning on my outstretched tongue, it was worth it all if it saved Boy from one second of this man’s odious company. Our flesh rubbed tender and raw; we ground each other down to dust.
My eyes shot open. I was choking and struggling. He was on top of me, his hands clamped around my throat. It was still the dead of night, silent now except for my splutters and desperate wheezing for air. I must have drifted off for a second – now I understood why we never spent the night beside the guests. His legs pinned down mine, and it seemed as if he was squeezing out everything I had inside; my eyes felt as if they were going to explode. I was clawing frantically, fighting for breath. I began to thump my fists against his tightening grip, but he only stared down at me and smiled.
‘Do you really think we came all the way to this forsaken place for a couple of maimed and saggy whores? You must be even stupider than you look!’ He laughed and then spat in my face, still pressing down on my airways. ‘Do you think it was easy for us to return here, to pretend to enjoy your inedible dishes and pathetic attempts at entertainment, to lie with such an ugly creature and pretend it was passion? Now I’m only going to ask you this once: where is he?’
He loosened his grip and I felt dizzy as air once again rushed into my lungs. I coughed and shook, but he had only relaxed briefly. He stared into my eyes with a mix of hatred and enjoyment.
‘Who, sir?’ I stammered.
Once again his hands began to constrict around my throbbing neck.
‘Don’t even try that, whore. You cannot keep any secrets from me now. If I think you are lying, I will not hesitate to kill you. We certainly have enough silver to reimburse your mistress – hell, with the money we give her she’ll be able to buy a girl twice as young and beautiful as you, which shouldn’t be difficult. And don’t think someone is going to come and rescue you – all your friends are probably in the same position as you by now. So talk. Where is he?’
‘I don’t know who you mean,’ I rasped, and one of his hands broke free from the suffocating grip for a second to slap my face.
‘Do you really think you can play with me like this? I was given this mission by the emperor in the expectation that I would fail, and could then be punished without the bother of my family pleading for lenience. But I will not fail. I will not! So do not test my patience any longer. Where is the soldier and where is the book? Aha – I saw that flicker in your eyes. You do know what I mean. So talk!’
He pulled his hands away from my throat to land another slap against my stinging face. Were Tiger and Silk and the boys being questioned like this too? Would one of them tell them about our soldier? If so, it seemed foolish for me to die for his secret. And yet I couldn’t give him up.
‘I don’t know what you mean. I’ve never seen a book in my life.’
His hands gripped tighter around my neck.
‘All right, all right. It’s true, we had a soldier visit us. Back when winter was just melting into spring. He was a retired general, I think. He was short and bald and definitely from the middle kingdom, and a stocky man travelled with him. And they had a wooden box that never left their side. But it was just the two of them, and they only stayed one night.’
‘And where are they now?’
‘I swear, I don’t know. They mentioned going into the desert, they said it was safer there,’ I was rambling now, knitting lies together in the hope that the others would also mention the wrong soldier and so get us all out of trouble.
He stopped squeezing, though his hands didn’t leave my throat, and he seemed to be considering what I had said.
‘The disgraced general … hmm, but how did he get his hands on it? Perhaps if … No. I don’t believe you. Come on, let’s have an honest answer out of you, or I swear I’ll kill everyone in this wretched place!’
I gulped, and met his eyes. My head was still spinning, but I had to try to convince him.
‘I’m telling you the truth about the general. He was a sweet old man, but he couldn’t hold his drink, and when we asked what was in the wooden box he said it was very special. A book, a very old book, he said. None of us paid it much attention, though, because none of us can read. I promise sir, that’s all I know.’
His hands went slack and he lifted them to his chin. He seemed satisfied, if a little disappointed. As I drew in long, heady lungfuls of air he climbed off me and started to throw on his expensive robes, tucking his dagger back into his belt. After spitting on my face once more for good luck he marched out into the courtyard. The sunrise had still not broken behind us.
‘Come on, get out here right now!’ he hollered.
Only a few minutes later, the rest of his party began to emerge in various states of undress. The other girls, who, unlike me, had returned to our shared room, poked their heads round the door to watch the men gather.
‘There’s no time to wait. The general’s got it and the chances are he’s hidden it in the desert somewhere. If any of you have gleaned information that contradicts this, then speak now.’
The other men looked about sheepishly, as if glad they would not need to report the paltry conclusions of their own interrogations. I smiled to myself. No one had told them anything.
‘Good. Then we leave right away.
If he thinks he can outsmart us, then he is badly mistaken. Zhou, get the guards to ready the horses!’
And with that they blustered out of the yard and into the dark. After they left, we gathered to comfort each other beside the clattered debris of the night’s party. Tall and Homely were whispering in their doorway, though Boy and the Empress both seemed to have miraculously slept through the whole ruckus.
‘What was all that about?’ Silk asked, her single eye red and watery. ‘Did they turn on you too?’
I nodded, but Tiger looked confused. The quiet man had barely even touched her, she said. Silk, however, looked to have had the same treatment I received – even in the dark the purple glow of her cheeks was unmistakable.
‘But why? Mine kept talking about a terrible secret. I couldn’t understand anything he was saying, so he kept hitting me until I was saying anything that came into my head. I wasn’t sure he was ever going to stop.’ She wiped her nose, trying to stay calm. ‘What the hell did they want?’
‘I think they wanted the soldier,’ I said, a little too loudly, since Tall and Homely cut short their conversation when they heard me. As he paced towards us, I saw that Tall’s chest was criss-crossed with long cuts.
‘So all that was your fault? We all were nearly killed because you fancied keeping a lover upstairs? Well, fuck you!’
He spat in my face. I was getting used to it.
‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t know,’ I said. ‘What did you tell him?’
‘Piss off! I hope they come back and slit your soldier’s throat. He’s bad luck.’
He turned and stormed off, pulling a glaring Homely into their room and banging the door shut.
‘Don’t worry about him. I’m sure he didn’t tell them about the soldier. It’s not your fault,’ Silk said.
Tiger nodded. ‘Those so-called officials were just a bunch of bumbling idiots. But why did they suddenly rush off towards the desert?’
‘I made up a story. It was the only way I could think of to get them out of here,’ I sighed. ‘They think the wooden box is hidden there.’
‘So that’s what they were after? There must be a whole ocean of silver in there.’
‘I don’t think so. The leader said it contained some kind of book.’
‘Don’t be silly,’ Silk said. ‘No one would go so crazy over a book!’
‘It must be more than just a book if there are whole groups of men on missions from the middle kingdom to find it, and if our friend upstairs is willing to lose his leg over it,’ Tiger said.
Silk shrugged. ‘Well, whatever it is, it’ll have to wait. I need some sleep. Hopefully by the time I wake up I’ll have forgotten this whole bloody nightmare.
‘Please don’t tell the Empress about any of this, especially about the book,’ I whispered to Tiger after Silk had gone.
She looked hurt. ‘Jade, haven’t you learnt yet how strong my silence is?’
The men who have been to the temple say that everything in the world is part of the battle between good and bad, between light and dark, and that perhaps one day one side will win. They say that there is good and there is evil, and it’s as simple as that. The problem is, up here at the Whorehouse of a Thousand Sighs, I think we’re somewhere in between. I mean, we’re definitely not bad, but the things that go on up here don’t really fall into the other category either. It’s usually best, I’ve found, to leave men to worry about this kind of thing while us women get on with real life.
The next day, however, all I could think about was that damn book that had got us into so much trouble. My eye stung and my neck felt as though it had been twisted back to front. Curiosity finally got the better of me, so I decided to ask the soldier about it.
I was surprised at how easily we fell back into our routine of giggling and embracing, all before I’d had a chance to talk about the previous night. Everything else seemed to fade away once we collapsed in our little fits of hushed laughter and urged each other quieter. It was when we were lying together, reclaiming our breath afterwards, that I told him what had happened.
‘He said they were looking for a book. That’s what you’ve got hidden in there, isn’t it? It’s that book you were talking about the other day, isn’t it?’
He smiled. ‘It’s not just a book. It’s the whole world.’
‘That’s why you’re hiding out here? That’s why you’re being chased? Because you’ve got a book that tells you something important about the world out there?’
‘It tells me nothing. I haven’t opened it. It’s too dangerous.’
‘Why’s it dangerous?’
‘Because it speaks of everything that has ever happened and will ever happen. The whole of history is written in here.’
‘Don’t mock me, I’m serious.’
‘So am I.’
I thought about it. All of the past and the future written down on a few musty old strips of bamboo. It didn’t seem very likely.
‘And you really haven’t peeked inside?’ I asked.
‘I wouldn’t dare take that risk. If a man learns how he will die, how could he carry on? If he learns how the world will end, he will lose heart. It will make a man mad. And if the generals get it, we are all in danger.’
‘Why? If the future is written down, then surely you can’t do anything to change it.’
‘If you know how a man will die, when he will die, then you have power over him.’
‘Then why not just destroy it?’
‘I can’t.’
‘Why?’
‘I just can’t. It’s forbidden.’
‘Who forbids it? Who gave you the box?’
‘You know enough. Listen, it’s too dangerous. Please, don’t ask me any more.’
I sighed, but I understood. It had not taken me long to realise, living in a place like this, that the more you talked about things, the more difficult life became. Best just to pass over certain things in silence. I left the soldier alone with his box and made my way back down the track. At the gate I found Boy taking down and retying the many faded ribbons, much to the consternation of the young guard stationed there to make sure none of us tried anything stupid.
I expected him to be grateful that I had saved him from the hungry clutches of the leader the previous night. However, he hadn’t even thanked me. In fact, earlier that morning he had told me that I shouldn’t have bothered, that he could look after himself. Even if that one man didn’t spend the night with him, he had said, there would be another in a couple of days, and another soon after that, and he would rather I just stopped fussing.
‘What are you up to?’ I asked, running my hands over one of the loose-fluttering ribbons.
‘You’ve been with the soldier again,’ he replied, ignoring my question. ‘When is he going?’
‘Soon. His stump is healing up pretty well. He wanted me to thank you for helping him that night, for bringing him up here. He owes his life to you.’
‘I don’t want his thanks,’ Boy huffed.
‘What do you want?’ I said, putting a hand on his shoulder. He quickly shrugged it away.
‘Nothing. I just want you all to leave me alone.’
‘You don’t really mean that.’
‘Yes, I do. I’m sick of this place and these people and I’m sick of the stupid music and the yucky food and I’m sick of the serving and the men and I’m sick of you and your stupid excuses. I just want you all to leave me alone.’
I sensed that it would be no use trying to argue with him. He was no longer interested in my attempts to make things look better and, to be honest, I was finding it harder and harder to pretend to be cheerful around him. If the future is already planned out and this strange book says you are doomed to spend the next twenty, thirty summers spending your nights with obnoxious men, then what comfort is there? If the past is slipping through your fingers like smoke and all you have to look forward to is more of the same old feelings of shame and regret, then why even bother thinking about the future? I went
back to the girls’ room, and did what I always did when confronted with problems I didn’t know how to solve: I tried to sleep.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about the book the soldier had told me about. Was this what everything had been about, officials and tortured soldiers, retired generals and midnight attacks, all for a wad of bamboo telling people what they already know – that there will be wars and peace, love and loss, planting and harvesting, birth and death, summer and winter, remembering and forgetting? It seemed a huge waste of energy to go running about risking your whole life for what was scribbled down on a few strips of old plants. But maybe I only felt like that because I wouldn’t be able to read what it said anyway. The folks back in the desert villages talked about reading as if it were a disease, as if once you learnt to read your whole heart got jumbled up and you started spouting crazy ideas left, right and centre.
Yet the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of this special book. Because if it was true then it made life a whole lot easier. Think about it – if every single thing that happens is already recorded, then that must include your own life. And if your life is already mapped out, then there is nothing you can do to change it. Worrying about whether to run away or which man to marry or what to do about mysterious soldiers is just a waste of time, because the path is already laid out and there’s nothing you can do to stop walking down it. It gave me a kind of comfort to know that whatever I was yet to do was already done as far as the book was concerned, that whatever life had in store for me, good and bad, it was meant to be and there was no getting out of it. You’re stuck with your future just as surely as you are stuck with your past: there’s no shaking it off.
It took me hours to get to sleep, and when I woke up I wished I hadn’t bothered. I’d had the dream again, the one where I grow feathers. Except this time it was different. This time I managed to fly, to push myself up over the clouds. And when I flew right to the top of the sky and looked through the holes in its threadbare silk, there it was: the future. All the men yet to share my bed, all their dirtiest requests, all my sorrow, my lonely old age, and even my death, the day the hour the minute the sight the sounds the smell of it. And it was terrible.