by B. M. Bower
Jackie looked again into the pail, felt gingerly the yellow mess and discovered one more egg which retained some semblance of its original form. “The misfortune distresses me,” he murmured. “It is that you return hastily, Mr. Happy, and procure other eggs fich you will place unbroken in my waiting hands, yes?”
Happy Jack mopped his forehead and glanced at the sun, burning hotly down upon the prairie. They had made a short move that day and it was still early. But the way to Nelson’s and back had been hot and tumultuous and he was tired. For the first time since his abject surrender to the waxed smile, Happy Jack chafed a bit under the yoke of voluntary servitude. “Aw, can’t yuh cook something that don’t take so many eggs?” he asked in something like his old, argumentative tone.
The unpleasant glitter in the eyes of Jakie grew more pronounced; grew even snaky, in the opinion of Happy Jack. “It is that I am no more permitted the privilege of preparing the food for fich I have the judgment, yes?” His voice purred too much to be convincing. “It is that I am no more the chef to be obeyed by my servant?”
“Aw, gwan! I ain’t anybody’s servant that I ever heard of!” Happy Jack felt himself bewilderedly slipping from his loyalty. What had come over Jakie, to act like this? He walked away to where there was some shade and sat down sullenly. Jakie’s servant, was he? Well! “The darned little greasy-faced runt,” he mumbled rebelliously, and immediately felt the better for it.
Two cigarettes brought coolness and calm. Happy Jack wanted very much to lie there and take a nap, but his conscience stirred uneasily. The boys were making a long circle that day and would come in with the appetites—and the tempers—of wolves. It occurred to Happy Jack that their appetites were much keener than they had ever been before, and he sat there a little longer while he thought about it; for Happy Jack’s mind was slow and tenacious, and he hated to leave a new idea until he had squeezed it dry of all mystery. He watched Jakie moving in desultory fashion about the tent—but most of the time Jakie stayed inside.
“I betche the boys ain’t gitting enough old stand-by-yuh chuck,” he decided at length. “Floatin’ island and stuffed olives—for them that likes stuffed olives—and salad and all that junk tastes good—but I betche the boys need a good feed uh beans!” Which certainly was brilliant of Happy Jack, even if it did take him a full hour to arrive at that conclusion. He got up immediately and started for the cook-tent.
“Say, Jakie,” he began before he was inside, “ain’t there time enough to boil a pot uh beans if I make yuh a good fire? I betche the boys would like a good feed—”
“A-a-hh!” Happy Jack insisted afterward that it sounded like the snarling of a wolf over a bone. “Is it that you come here to give the orders? Is it that you insult?” Followed a torrent of molten French, as it were. Followed also Jakie, with the eyes of a snake and the toothy grin of a wild animal and with a knife which Happy Jack had never seen before; a knife which caught the sunlight and glittered horridly.
Happy Jack backed out as if he had inadvertently stirred a nest of hornets. Jakie almost caught him before he took to his heels. Happy never waited to discover what the new cook was saying, or whether he was following or remaining at the tent. He headed straight for the protection of the horse-wrangler, who watched his cavvy not far away, and his face was the color of stale putty.
The horse-wrangler saw him coming and came loping up to meet him. “What’s eating yuh, Happy?” he inquired inelegantly.
“Jakie—he’s gone nutty! He come at me with a knife, and he’d uh killed me if I’d stayed!” Happy Jack pantingly recovered himself. “I didn’t have no time ta git my gun,” he added in a more natural tone, “or I’d uh settled him pretty blame quick. So I come out to borrow yourn. I betche I’ll have the next move.”
The horse-wrangler grinned heartlessly. “I reckon he’s about half shot,” he said, sliding over in the saddle and getting out the inevitable tobacco sack and papers. “Old Pete Williams rode past while you were gone, loaded to the guards and with a bottle uh whisky in each saddle-pocket and two in his coat. He gave me a drink, and then he went on and stopped at camp. He was hung up there for quite a spell, I noticed. I didn’t see him pass any uh the vile liquor to little Jakie, but—” he twirled a blackened match stub in his fingers and then tossed it from him.
“Aw, gwan! Jakie wouldn’t touch nothing when he was in town,” Happy Jack objected. “I betche he’s gone crazy, or else—”
“Well,” interrupted the horse-wrangler, “I’ve told yuh what I know and all I know. Take it or leave it.” He rode back to turn the lead-horse from climbing a ridge where he did not want the herd to follow. He did not lend Happy Jack his gun, and for that reason—perhaps—Jakie remained alive and unpunctured until the first of the riders came loping in to camp.
The first riders happened to be Pink and Big Medicine. They were met by a tearful, contrite Jakie—a Jakie who seemed much inclined to weeping upon their shirt-fronts and to confessing all his sins, particularly the sin of trying to carve Happy Jack. That perturbed gentleman made his irate appearance as soon as he found that reinforcements had arrived.
Big Medicine disengaged himself from the clinging arms of the chef, sniffed suspiciously and wiped away the tears from his vest. “Well, say,” he bellowed in his usual manner of trying to make all Chouteau County hear what he had to say, “I ain’t t’ blame if he got away on yuh. Yuh hadn’t ought to uh done it—or else yuh oughta made a clean job of it sos’t we could hang yuh proper. Supper ready?”
“It is that the supply of eggs is inadequate,” wept Jakie, steadying himself against the tent-pole while he wiped his eyes upon his apron. “Because of it I could not prepare the floating island—and without the dessert I have not the heart to prepare the dinner, yes? It is that I am breaking of the heart that I assail the good friend of me. Oh, Mr. Happy, it is that I crave pardon!”
Happy Jack came near taking to his heels again when he saw Jakie start for him; he did back up hastily, and his evident reluctance to embrace and forgive started afresh the tears of remorse. Jakie wailed volubly and, catching Pink unaware, he wept upon his bosom.
Others came riding in, saw the huddle before the mess-tent and came up to investigate. With every fresh arrival Jakie began anew his confession that he had attempted to murder his good friend, Mr. Happy, and with every confession he wept more copiously than before.
The Happy Family tacitly owned itself helpless. A warlike cook they could deal with. A lazy cook they could kick into industry. A weeping, wailing, conscience-stricken cook, a cook who steadfastly refused to be comforted, was an absolutely new experience. They told him to buck up, found that he only broke out anew, threatened, cajoled and argued. Jakie clung to whoever happened to be within reach and mixed the English language unmercifully.
“Happy, you’ll have to forgive him,” said Weary at last. “Go tell him yuh don’t feel hard towards him. We want some supper.”
“Aw, gwan. I ain’t forgive him, and I never will. I—”
Big Medicine stepped into the breach. With his face contorted into a grin to crimple one’s spine, with a voice to make one’s knees buckle, he went up to Happy Jack and thrust that horrible grin into Happy’s very face. “By cripes, you forgive Jakie, and you do it quick!” he thundered. “Think you’re going to ball up the eating uh the whole outfit whilst you stand around acting haughty? Why, by cripes, I’ve killed men in the Coconino County for half what you’re doing! You’ll wish, by cripes, that Jakie had slit your hide; you’ll consider that woulda been an easy way out, before I git half through with yuh. You walk right up and shake hands with him, and you tell him that yuh love him to death and are his best friend and always will be! Yuh hear me?”
Happy Jack heard. The Happy Family considerately moved aside and left him a clear path, and they looked on without a word while he took Jakie’s limp hand, muttered tremulously, “Aw, fergit it, Jakie. I know yuh didn’t mean nothing by it, and I forgive yuh,” and backed away again.
Jakie wept, this time with gratitude. They got him inside a tent, unrolled his bed and persuaded him to lie down upon it. They searched the mess-box, found all that was left of a quart bottle of whisky, took it outside and divided it gravely and appreciatively among themselves. There was not much to divide.
Happy Jack took charge of the pots and pans, with the whole Happy Family to help him hurry supper, while Jakie forgot his woes in sleep and the sun set upon a quiet camp.
Next morning, Jakie was up and cooking breakfast at the appointed time, and the camp felt that the incident of the evening before might well be forgotten. The coffee was unusually good that morning, even for Jakie. He was subdued, was Jakie, and his soft, brown eyes were humble whenever they met the eyes of Happy Jack. His smile was infrequent and fleeting, and his voice more deprecating than ever. Aside from these minor changes everything seemed the same as before the sheepmen had stopped at camp.
That afternoon, however, came an aftermath in the shape of Happy Jack galloping wildly out to where the others were holding a herd and “cutting out.” He was due to come and help, so nobody paid any attention to his haste, though it was his habit to take his time. He shot recklessly by the outer fringes of the “cut” and yelled in a way to stampede the whole bunch. “Jakie’s dying,” he shouted, wild-eyed. “He’s drunk up all the lemon extract and most uh the v’nilla before I could stop him!”
Chip and Weary, riding in hot haste to the camp, found that it was true as far as the drinking was concerned. Jakie was stretched upon his back breathing unpleasantly, and beside him were two flat bottles of half-pint size, one empty and the other very nearly so; the tent and Jakie’s breath reeked of lemon and vanilla. Chip sent back for help.
For the second time the Flying U roundup was brought to an involuntary pause because of its cook. There was but one thing to do, and Chip did it. He broke camp, loaded Jakie into the bed-wagon, and headed at a gallop for Dry Lake in an effort to catch the next train for Great Falls. Whether he sent Jakie to the hospital or to the undertaker was a question he did not attempt to answer; one thing was certain, however, that he must send him to one of those places as soon as might be.
That night, just before the train arrived, he sent another telegram to Johnny Scott at rush rates. He said simply:
“Send another cook immediately this one all in am returning him in baggage coach this train.
“C. BENNETT.”
Just after midnight he went to the station and received an answer, which is worth repeating:
“C. BENNETT, Dry Lake: Supply cooks running low am sending only available don’t kill this one or may have to go without season on cooks closed fine attached to killing, running with dogs or keeping in captivity this one drunk look for him in Pullman have bribed porter. J.G. SCOTT.”
It was sent collect, which accounts perhaps for the facetious remarks which it contained.
It was morning when that train arrived, because it was behind time for some reason, but Chip, Weary, Pink and Big Medicine were at the depot to meet it. The new cook having been reported drunk, they wanted to make sure of getting him off the train in case he proved unruly. They were wise in the ways of intoxicated cooks. They ran to the steps of the only Pullman on the train and were met by the grinning porter.
“Yas sah, he’s in dah—but Ah cyan’t git ’im off, sah, to save mah soul,” he explained toothily. “Ah put ’im next de front end, sah, but he’s went to sleep and Ah cyan’t wake ’em up, an’ Ah cyan’t tote ’em out nohow. Seems lak he weighs a ton!”
“By cripes, we’ll tote him out,” declared Big Medicine, pushing ahead of Chip in his enthusiasm. “You hold the train, and we’ll git ’im. Show us the bunk.”
The porter pointed out the number and retreated to the steps that he might signal the conductor. The four pushed up through the vestibule and laid hold upon the berth curtains.
“Mamma!” ejaculated Weary in a stunned tone. “Look what’s in here, boys!”
They thrust forward their heads and peered in at the recumbent form.
“Honest to grandma—it’s old Patsy!” The voice of Big Medicine brought heads out all along down the car.
“Come out uh that!” Four voices made up the chorus, and Patsy opened his eyes reluctantly.
“Py cosh, I not cook chuck for you fellers ven I’m sick,” he mumbled dazedly.
“Come out uh that, you damned Dutch belly-robber!” bawled Big Medicine joyously, and somewhere behind a curtain a feminine shriek was heard at the shocking sentence.
Four pairs of welcoming hands laid hold upon Patsy; four pairs of strong arms dragged him out of the berth and through the narrow aisle to the platform. The conductor, the head brakeman and the porter were chafing there, and they pulled while the others pushed. So Patsy was deposited upon the platform, grumbling and only half sober.
“Anyway, we’ve got him back,” Weary remarked with much satisfaction the next day when they were once more started toward the range land. “When Irish blows in again, we’ll be all right.”
“By cripes, yuh just give me a sight uh that Irish once, and he’ll come, if I have to rope and drag ’im!” Big Medicine took his own way of intimating that he held no grudge. “Did yuh hear what Patsy said, by cripes, when he was loading up the chuck-wagon at the store? He turned in all that oil and them olives and anchovies, yuh know, and he told Tom t’ throw in about six cases uh blueberries. I was standin’ right handy by, and he turns around and scowls at me and says: ‘Py cosh, der vay dese fellers eats pie mit derselves, I have to fill oop der wagon mit pie fruit alreatty!’ And then the old devil turns around with his back to me, but yuh can skin me for a coyote if I didn’t ketch a grin on ’is face!”
They turned and looked back to where Patsy, seated high upon the mess-wagon, was cracking his long whip like pistol shots and swearing in Dutch at his four horses as he came bouncing along behind them.
“Well, there’s worse fellers than old Patsy,” Slim admitted ponderously. “I don’t want no more Jakie in mine, by golly.”
“I betche Jakie cashes in, with all that lemon in him,” prophesied Happy Jack with relish. “Dirty little Dago—it’d serve him right. Patsy wouldn’t uh acted like that in a thousand years.”
They glanced once more behind them, as if they would make sure that the presence of Patsy was a reality. Then, with content in their hearts, they galloped blithely out of the lane and into the grassy hills.
FIRST AID TO CUPID
The floor manager had just called out that it was “ladies’ choice,” and Happy Jack, his eyes glued in rapturous apprehension upon the thin, expressionless face of Annie Pilgreen, backed diffidently into a corner. He hoped and he feared that she would discover him and lead him out to dance; she had done that once, at the Labor Day ball, and he had not slept soundly for several nights after.
Someone laid proprietary hand upon his cinnamon-brown coat sleeve, and he jumped and blushed; it was only the schoolma’am, however, smiling up at him ingratiatingly in a manner wholly bewildering to a simple minded fellow like Happy Jack. She led him into another corner, plumped gracefully and with much decision down upon a bench, drew her skirts aside to make room for him and announced that she was tired and wanted a nice long talk with him. Happy Jack, sending a troubled glance after Annie, who was leading Joe Meeker out to dance, sighed a bit and sat down obediently—and thereby walked straight into the loop which the schoolma’am had spread for his unwary feet.
The schoolma’am was sitting out an astonishing number of dances—for a girl who could dance from dark to dawn and never turn a hair—and the women were wondering why. If she had sat them out with Weary Davidson they would have smiled knowingly and thought no more of it; but she did not. For every dance she had a different companion, and in every case it ended in that particular young man looking rather scared and unhappy. After five minutes of low-toned monologue on the part of the schoolma’am, Happy Jack went the way of his predecessors and also became scared and unhappy.
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br /> “Aw, say! Miss Satterly, I can’t act,” he protested in a panic.
“Oh, yes, you could,” declared the schoolma’am, with sweet assurance, “if you only thought so.”
“Aw, I couldn’t get up before a crowd and say a piece, not if—”
“I’m not sure I want you to. There are other things to an entertainment besides reciting things. I only want you to promise that you will help me out. You will, won’t you?” The schoolma’am’s eyes, besides being pretty, were often disconcertingly direct in their gaze.
Happy Jack wriggled and looked toward the door, which suddenly seemed a very long way off. “I—I’ve got to go up to the Falls, along about Christmas,” he stuttered feebly, avoiding her eyes. “I—I can’t get off any other time, and I’ve—I’ve got a tooth—”
“You’re the fifth Flying-U man who has ‘a tooth,’” the schoolma’am interrupted impatiently. “A dentist ought to locate in Dry Lake; from what I have heard confidentially tonight, there’s a fortune to be made off the teeth of the Happy Family alone.”
Every drop of blood in Happy’s body seemed to stand then in his face. “I—I’ll pull the curtain for yuh,” he volunteered, meekly.
“You’re the seventh applicant for that place.” The schoolma’am was crushingly calm. “Every fellow I’ve spoken to has evinced a morbid craving for curtain-pulling.”
Happy Jack crumpled under her sarcasm and perspired, and tried to think of something, with his brain quite paralyzed and useless.
The schoolma’am continued inexorably; plainly, her brain was not paralyzed. “I’ve promised the neighborhood that I would give a Christmas tree and entertainment—and when a school-teacher promises anything to a neighborhood, nothing short of death or smallpox will be accepted as an excuse for failing to keep the promise; and I’ve seven tongue-tied kids to work with!” (The schoolma’am was only spasmodically given to irreproachable English.) “Of course, I relied upon my friends to help me out. But when I come to calling the roll, I—I don’t seem to have any friends.” The schoolma’am was twirling the Montana sapphire ring which Weary had given her last spring, and her voice was trembly and made Happy Jack feel vaguely that he was a low-down cur and ought to be killed.