by Jaime Reese
"This is nice," Matt said, looking around. "It's a big family," he muttered so quietly Julian almost missed it.
"Yeah, and they're all really close." Julian cautiously watched as a mix of emotions crossed Matt's face. He scooted his chair closer to Matt which earned him a grin.
"Hey there, plus one," Matt said softly with a hint of a smile.
"Hey there," Julian responded in the same tone.
"So, I know you don't like Jules, are there any other nicknames?"
"What's wrong with my name?" he asked with a frown.
"How about J?"
"It's a letter, not a name."
"So?"
"I don't call you M?"
Matt chuckled. "Speaking of M," he began, trying to sound nonchalant. "Are you ever going to tell me what your middle initial stands for?"
Julian wondered why Matt insisted on knowing his middle name.
"C'mon, J, tell me," he said, punctuating the new nickname.
Julian didn't want to say anything, but he actually loved the new nickname. For him, it felt like the equivalent of an endearment. He wasn't much of a 'honey', 'baby', or 'sweetie' type of guy. This use of the single letter J? He could totally get used to that, especially since it came from Matt. Matt may have thought he would irritate him by using the shorter name, but it had the exact opposite effect. It felt like a subtle caress.
As he'd done in the past few months, Julian avoided Matt's middle name inquisition and moved on to talk about the project.
They laughed and talked for a while about the renovation and some of the near accidents in the last few months, what they were planning for the next few weeks, and how things were progressing. When dinner was served, they ate quietly until Matt tried to trade his bread for Julian's veggies. He didn't need to barter them. Hell, he'd gladly give up the nasty looking green brain-like things on his plate for a warm piece of bread. But Julian couldn't resist having Matt think it was a sacrifice.
Being with Matt was easy. Too easy. The chemistry with Matt couldn't compare to anything he had ever experienced with anyone else. The way he sensed when Matt entered the room, the way his pulse quickened when he saw him, the current that traveled his body whenever Matt smiled, the way he became irritated when Matt was stressed out by something.
Even though he'd tried to deny it to himself for the past few months, Julian had fallen in love a long time ago. There was just no other explanation. It felt so damn right it terrified him. It took so much effort to control himself, to keep the emotions at bay. He tried to rationalize, bullshit himself into thinking it was simply desire that had been dormant for far too long. Julian knew himself better than that. Matt was more than just a warm body.
At times, he thought the feeling was mutual, but he didn't dare make a move on gut feeling alone and risk losing Matt entirely, especially after dinner that one night when Matt mentioned wanting to keep things as they were. It had ripped him apart inside, the thought of never being able to kiss Matt again, or press his body against him. He needed some blazing neon sign from Matt before he'd even consider making another move. If Matt needed time, Julian would gladly give him however much he needed, if being with Matt was the prize.
Matt was guarded for whatever reason and Julian tried like hell to respect his space. He suspected Matt held something back, but Julian didn't have a clue why he did. He refused to push. If he did, Matt would probably end up shaving his head to rebel, and he couldn't cause that to happen.
"What are you thinking about?" Matt asked as he leaned in a little closer.
Julian couldn't look away. Matt's eyes no longer held the sadness that had been there a few hours ago. It had been replaced with a spark of laughter, a playfulness. Julian smiled, knowing he was at least a little responsible for that transition. Instinctively, he reached out and gently placed his hand on the side of Matt's face. After he realized what he had done, Julian waited for Matt's reaction, worried he had crossed that line he had just reminded himself of only moments ago.
I'm a fucking weak sonofabitch.
He should apologize and remove his hand, but Matt's face was like a magnet. Their eyes met then Matt closed his eyes and leaned into Julian's hand. Julian's chest tightened. He slowly moved his thumb back and forth, caressing Matt's cheek. His heartbeat sped up, heat rose through his body, and it was damn near impossible to swallow past the lump in his throat.
Matt slowly opened his eyes and looked up at him. His eyes were a darker shade of blue, and he looked scared. Julian knew he intimidated people, he knew his presence made people nervous, but he thought they were past that already. Matt suddenly straightened and looked over Julian's shoulder.
Julian quickly withdrew his hand just as he felt a soft tap on his arm. He turned to see the cutest little girl with curly blonde hair and big blue eyes looking up at him. "Hi there," Julian said in his softest tone possible. He had just scared Matt somehow and didn't want to terrify this child.
"Hi." She tugged at her light blue dress and played with the white ribbon tied around her waist as she switched from foot to foot then looked up to Julian past her long lashes. "My uncle said I could ask you to dance if your boyfriend said it was okay?"
Julian looked over to Matt, who was enjoying the exchange a little too damn much. "Boyfriend, huh?" Julian asked him in a hushed tone. His teasing didn't even faze Matt, he just grinned like that damn Cheshire Cat.
"I don't mind, sweetie, but just one dance then he's mine," Matt said, doing his best imitation of a warning tone to the little girl.
Julian felt a chill pass through his body. Matt was only mocking the situation, but he enjoyed the territorial remark. He stood then turned to the little girl who was hopping in place with excitement.
"May I have this dance, my princess?" Julian said as he bowed to the little girl.
She giggled then curtsied and took the hand Julian offered.
He led her to a spot on the dance floor where fewer people seemed to crowd around. He couldn't help but look over at Matt sitting at the table with that huge grin still on his face. As long as Julian was responsible for Matt's positive mood, nothing else mattered; even if he was about to make a fucking fool of himself.
* * * *
Matt watched as Julian exchanged a few words with the little girl then saw her step up onto his shoes. They began to move slowly, Julian moving his feet with her tiny shoes on top of his. The song that played was upbeat and cheerful, but Matt didn't think Julian cared about keeping time with the song. He looked downright adorable catering to this child's whim to dance with him. The surrounding couples looked over at them with fondness, giving them a little more space as Julian tried to circle in a dance turn. The child beamed and giggled so loudly Matt could hear her over the music.
Julian was so careful, the way he slowly turned to make sure she didn't slip off his shoes, the way he held her hands up to secure her from falling. Matt wondered if this cautious side of Julian was what prevented him from pushing things between them. Matt was hyperaware of the way Julian would look at him or wait for a reaction. Matt would have to make the first move if anything were to ever happen again. He was surprised when Julian caressed his face earlier. Emotion rushed through his body as he remembered the feeling. Emotions that were just as strong now at the memory as they had been when Julian touched him.
He wanted more. More caresses, more of Julian's heat against his body, more kisses, more of everything Julian offered, but Matt was scared. Scared that if they got close, he would lose Julian completely when he found out the truth of who he was, where he had been, and what he was planning to do and why. Julian was an intimidating person at first, but he was a good man, with a more than legit work ethic and background. If he was hesitant to take the job at the initial thought that the money could potentially be tied to something illegal, Matt couldn't imagine Julian wanting him if he knew he was an ex-con now living behind a façade under a different name.
Matt was scared of losing him completely.
His thoughts were interrupted by the start of a new song. He looked over and saw the little girl curtsy before skipping away from Julian. Matt watched Julian's prowl-like gait as he made his way back to the table. From the corner of his eye, Matt noticed a few other girls huddled together at a neighboring table, giggling, looking at Julian.
"Did you have fun?" Matt asked, still seated as Julian approached.
"Are you jealous, boyfriend?" he asked with a raised eyebrow, leaning over Matt.
Matt laughed then stood. "Dance with me?"
Julian gave him a suspicious glare. "I know you just witnessed a near disaster over there. I can't dance. C'mon, be serious," he said, shaking his head.
"Well, you either dance with me," Matt said provocatively, "or risk having the child brigade take you over." He cast his line of sight casually to the side where the girls huddled.
Julian scratched his temple to disguise the direction of his gaze as he looked over to the half-dozen giggling girls that gathered at the table. His eyes widened and a look of terror overcame him. Matt just shook his head and laughed as he grabbed Julian's hand and led him to the dance floor.
"I seriously don't know how to do this, Matt. You are risking your toes here."
"It's easy, come on," Matt said, grabbing one of Julian's hands and placing it on his own hip. He held Julian's other hand up and out to the side and placed his opposite hand on Julian's shoulder in a traditional waltz dance position. "Now just follow my lead," Matt said as he slowly began to sway back and forth and move his feet a little.
The horror on Julian's face lessened, but he was obviously still worried. He kept looking around, trying to avoid other people's feet even though he was barely moving himself.
"See, it's easy," Matt said encouragingly, looking up at Julian.
When their eyes met, Julian hesitated for a moment before the anxiety seemed to leave his features. The edge of his mouth slightly twitched but he was obviously still uncomfortable.
"You're doing great," Matt said, hoping to ease some of Julian's tension.
Julian looked around less to the other couples and focused on Matt and their movements. Julian pulled back their straightened hands in toward his chest, pressing Matt's hand against the hard muscled torso. Matt's breath quickened when he felt Julian's heartbeat pound strongly against his palm. Julian tightened the hold of his other hand on Matt's waist, tugging him closer. Matt slid his free hand upward to the back of Julian's neck, brushing Julian's close-cropped hair. It was softer than Matt imagined, not prickly at all. He couldn't resist gently running his fingers up and down Julian's neck. Julian closed his eyes and touched his forehead against Matt's. He could feel Julian's breath each time he exhaled. Matt closed his eyes and enjoyed Julian's closeness, the hair under his fingers, the heat of Julian's hand holding his, the firm pressure on his waist, Julian's scent and heat filling his senses.
"We should go," Julian said rather hoarsely, breaking the spell. He dropped the hand from Matt's waist and led him back to the table, still gripping Matt's hand.
Matt didn't know what had happened. He was a little dazed walking back to the table but gathered his composure as he looked over to Julian and saw the lines of tension on his face. His forehead crinkled and his eyebrows were bunched. He was either pissed or frustrated. He dared to look down at the front of Julian's pants and noticed he was obviously affected by their dance as much as he was.
Julian grabbed his coat and casually held it in front of him. "Ready to go?" he asked curtly.
Matt nodded and followed Julian as he made his way out the door evading most of the small gatherings of people. Julian waved to David who was off to the far end of the room and walked out into the mild evening breeze.
Julian stood outside for a moment, closed his eyes, and took several deep breaths. Matt watched as Julian's chest rose and fell with each deep inhale and exhale. After several breaths, Julian finally opened his eyes. The tension seemed to have finally eased from his features. "C'mon, it's getting kind of late."
Matt had never actually seen Julian attempt to regain control of himself. Usually, when he'd notice Julian get upset or frustrated, Julian left the room. He'd return within minutes and look refreshed, calm, unruffled, ready to move on to the next task at hand as if nothing had unsettled him. That vulnerability in Julian was rare and Matt wanted to break down these damn walls Julian kept putting up. Now, he was determined.
* * * *
Matt closed his eyes and laid his head back as Julian drove, enjoying the relatively silent drive back home. The only sounds came from the easy listening music playing on the radio. Even though they were sitting next to each other, not talking or touching, it felt nice. It was comforting to be in Julian's space. Warmth enveloped Matt, leaving a peace he hadn't felt for some time, if ever. He wanted this feeling to last.
"Hey, Matt," Julian said softly. "Matt, we're home."
He heard the words as fingers carded through his hair softly.
Matt opened his eyes. "Home?" he asked, still groggy from the nap.
"Um, yeah, sorry, I mean we're here," Julian corrected.
Matt rubbed his eyes and noticed Julian was already closing the door of his truck. Matt stepped out and stretched then made his way into the house.
"Are you staying up?" Matt asked on a yawn.
"I'm going to make a few notes on the plans we talked about then I'm going to call it a night," Julian said, throwing his jacket on the chair.
Matt muttered as he tried to rub a kink out of his neck. "All right. I'm going to bed. Good night, J," he said with a lazy grin before heading to his room.
"Good night, Matt," Julian said softly. "Thanks for being my plus one tonight."
Matt stopped in the doorway and turned to Julian. "Thanks for asking," he said before going into his room, stripping out of his clothes, and crashing on the bed, letting sleep take over.
Chapter 12
Matt was having the most wonderful dream before he woke. Julian in his suit, dancing with him at the party, the closeness, his heat, the feel of his rapid, strong heartbeat. He lay in bed, pissed off that he somehow woke up unexpectedly.
Shit.
He turned in his bed and saw the clock display. A little bit past midnight. He thought he heard faint music, the same easy listening songs from the drive back here. He sat up in bed and listened closely. He saw the light coming through the crack at the bottom of the door and heard the rustling of papers. Julian was awake, and it sounded as if he was still looking at the plans nearly two hours later.
Matt stretched in bed. He sat there for almost five minutes, debating. Wondering if, when, and how he should do whatever it was he thought he needed to do. He had too many reasons not to give in, to keep things safe. He ran his fingers through his short hair. Matt wanted Julian so much, wanted to know what it felt like to hold him close for more than a few moments, feel his warm skin envelop him, kiss him deeply, wake up in his arms with Julian's chest pressed against his back. It had been too long, there was too much tension, and Matt was so far gone at this point. He wanted Julian, he just didn't have a fucking clue how he was going to take the next step.
"Fuck it," Matt said to himself, dismissing the rationalization. One thing he'd always felt with Julian was a sense of peace. Matt knew, deep down, that if this was meant to be, it would happen if he didn't put up these walls he always erected to protect himself. He was tired of playing it safe. Matt wanted to finally do something for himself, without worrying what everyone else in the world would think of him.
He looked over at the clock again.
Realization hit him and gave him the last bit of confidence he needed. He got out of bed and threw on a T-shirt.
Matt took a deep breath and exhaled before opening the bedroom door.
* * * *
Julian sighed for the billionth time tonight. Fuck! He shouldn't have touched Matt's face the way he had, and he sure as hell shouldn't have danced with him.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
He was torn. He wanted to remember it all, the touch, the feel, everything. The more Julian remembered, the more difficult it became to step away, to keep his cool.
He wanted Matt. Period. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it. He didn't know what he was going to do or how he was going to do it without the risk of losing Matt forever if he pushed, but Julian couldn't stand this anymore. The songs playing on the portable radio reminded Julian of the drive here, the smell of Matt's aftershave on his shirt reminded him of the dance, Matt's hand on his neck…it was all attacking his senses. Julian turned the plans again in a poor attempt to focus on something, anything else. They didn't make sense to him. They looked like a bunch of numbers and lines.
He was losing it.
Shit.
The click of a door down the hall made him look up. Matt stood outside his bedroom. He straightened and watched Matt approach. His disheveled short hair and appearance damn near undid him. Julian had to look away. He glanced back to the evil plans that taunted him. He gripped the edge of the table and tried to level his breathing.