A Passionate Spirit

by S. C. Skillman

  “What d’you mean by that?”

  “Face changing, and an irrational, disproportionate reaction. You need two or three different sorts of evidence before you can be sure you’re looking at that kind of power. So set your mind at rest. Nothing of the sort has happened with Natasha. I must admit, at first, I was so taken aback, I did wonder. But now I feel confident she has a special gift from God. So trust me; stop worrying.” Theo drew her into his arms and held her tight, kissing her hair, cheeks, and ears. “What more can I do to reassure you? I love you so much. You have nothing to fear.”

  But Zoe’s heart was still pumping fast. And she believed Theo was wrong.

  Then she realised the door stood ajar. She thought Theo had closed it. But now, she could see through to the entrance hall beyond. James walked past the chink. She stiffened. She’d not long before seen him head off to the goose house with Natasha. What was he doing back here in the house so soon? As she thought this, James moved out of sight.

  After dinner, Theo took several of the guests to the barn for his All That Breathes workshop in the upper room. Being off duty for an hour or so, Zoe went straight to their private study for some peace. As she sank into one of the easy chairs there was a knock at the door.

  “Come in,” she called, not moving. The door opened and James stood there. She jumped to her feet, angry to feel herself flushing.

  “James! Why aren’t you at Theo’s workshop?” she asked.

  “Not my scene, the ancient Celts,” he said. “Contemporary poets are more my style. Relax. Why don’t you come back downstairs instead, to the sitting room, where we can have a drink together and a little talk?”

  “No thanks, James. Say what you want to now.”

  He came in and sat down with her. She bit her lip.

  “Zoe,” he began, “you seem to have picked up some very odd ideas about me and Natasha. I’m here to put things right between us.”

  She felt an uneasy stirring in her stomach.

  “Go ahead. What would you like to say?”

  “Just this: I have no sinister agenda. I feel connected to this house. I have an affinity with it.”

  “An affinity?” She folded her arms, frowning.

  “I believe I’m meant to be here,” went on James. “I’ve had an acting career, but now I’m ready to move on.”

  “Oh? Why’s that?” She felt interested, despite herself.

  “This will be something you’ll already know from chats with Alice. An actor’s life is very unstable. Rivalry’s vicious. You can’t trust anyone. You’ve got to be tough to survive, and very determined.”

  “I’m sure that’s true,” said Zoe. “And Alice is tough, and determined.”

  “Good, good. Glad to hear it. It’s pretty nasty in the acting world; very bitchy, very cruel. And I’ve had enough of it.”

  “You’re saying you’ve quit acting?” Zoe uncrossed her arms and folded her hands in her lap instead.

  “Yes. I want a more level kind of life.”

  “Hmmm.” She followed this, up to a point, though if anyone was able to cope with a cruel and bitchy world, she felt sure that person would be James.

  She looked at him. His confident manner might be just a display, masking a sensitivity she’d given him no credit for. He may have simply decided he wanted to spend more time with Natasha: a difficult thing for a busy actor. And perhaps her own personal insecurity had made her misinterpret his behaviour as arrogance when it seemed that he tried to take over in the office, and after the incident with the stone…

  “It would be good,” said James, “if you and I could get on, Zoe, here in the house I feel so drawn to, the house my ancestor built.”

  Resting her elbow on one crossed knee, she sat with chin in hand.

  “That may be so, James,” she replied, “and I never treat our guests with anything other than respect and courtesy. But Natasha terrifies me.”

  He looked at her narrowly.

  “Theo has every confidence in her. Why don’t you?”

  “I think Theo has been deceived.” Then she felt a guilty black tug at the bottom of her stomach for having said so much to James.

  A sly expression came into his eyes.

  “Do I detect a lack of trust there?” he enquired. “I imagine life can be quite as bruising for a priest as it can be for an actor. I understand from Natasha that Theo has not always been as strong as he appears to be now.”

  “And why would Natasha know that?” Zoe flashed, her heart starting to hammer.

  “Oh, she’s had a few helpful chats with him in private. Not that I’d like you to think she’s betrayed Theo’s confidences to me. But none of us are proof against times of weakness and stress, are we, least of all those of us who’re vulnerable to depression?” He clasped his hands together before him and wore a look of solicitous concern.

  Zoe started. “That’s the past. All happened before I met him.”

  “But you must know quite a bit about it.”

  Her face burned. “He lived alone in a cottage on the north Norfolk coast for eighteen months.”

  “Cut himself off, you mean. Nervous breakdown?”

  “No. He suffered mild depression and anxiety; and recovered.”

  James’s gaze sharpened.

  “That’s encouraging. Let’s leave the subject for now. I can see it upsets you. Goodbye.”

  He walked out. Zoe sat with her hand clasped over her mouth. She couldn’t believe James had drawn this much information out of her. But worse than that was the realization that Theo had been chatting privately to Natasha, without her knowledge, and had shared with her some very personal details about his past life. She angrily rubbed her eyes.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “Zoe, don’t let this prey on your mind,” said Alice the next morning in the office. “Go and find Theo and talk to him.”

  “I can’t,” said Zoe. “He was up early this morning and I haven’t caught him alone since. Have you?”

  Alice shook her head. Her eyes were warm as she leaned forward, elbows on her desk, looking at Zoe. “This is really weighing on your spirits, Zoe. In the last few days you’ve changed so much.”

  “Alice, I need your help,” pleaded Zoe.

  “And I will give it to you. I’ll do all I can, you know that,” promised Alice, “but the first move has to come from you. You’ve got to fight Natasha.”

  Thinking of Alice’s words earlier, alone in the office that afternoon Zoe’s hands felt cold and clammy. Her head, shoulders and neck ached. In the past she’d counted her blessings. But now her mind ranged over the circumstances of her marriage to Theo. When she’d agreed to marry him, she’d known she’d be up against two things; first, his vocation as a priest; and second, the possible recurrence of his depression.

  She’d accepted that, in his role as priest, there would be times when he counselled people one-to-one, and she’d play no part in that. But he’d also explained the ‘rules of engagement’: he spoke to people on neutral territory, or in a public location. But now Zoe suspected Theo of going to see Natasha in her bedroom in the goose house. The words unfaithful and betrayal kept needling her.

  Turning to her email screen, she was about to begin scanning the new messages. The door burst open and she glanced up. Griff hurried into the office.

  “What is it, Griff?”

  “Natasha just offered to heal Theo. And he refused. I can’t understand it, neither can anyone else.”

  Zoe raised her eyebrows. “Heal him of what?”

  Griff stared at Zoe wide-eyed.

  “This virus or whatever it is he has. We can all see he’s not well.”

  “He doesn’t need Natasha to ‘heal’ him,” said Zoe sharply.

  Griff looked shocked. “Of course he does. What’s up with you? We have someone with miraculous healing power, close by, and he…”

  “Stop, Griff,” ordered Zoe, her anger rising, “I don’t want to listen to this.”

  Griff studied her b
urning face. “Look, Zoe, I can see something’s not right between you and Theo. Come and sit here. Tell me about it.”

  “I’ve got lots to do, Griff, but… ” They both sat on the easy chairs.

  Zoe longed to share her true feelings about Theo and Natasha. But to name these seemed an act of betrayal. So, instead, she spoke of her fear that Theo’s past depression might return.

  “Since I’ve known him,” she said, “he’s never been depressed at all.”

  Griff nodded, his brown eyes full of empathy.

  “I first met him three years ago, on Midsummer’s Eve,” said Zoe. “We fell for each other straightaway. All I cared about was the Theo I knew. And we wanted to hear each other’s stories. We spent hours, sharing those.”

  “Of course you did,” murmured Griff. “But you never wondered how you’d cope if his depression returned?”

  “No.”

  “Do the trustees know about this?” he asked.

  “His depression? I’m not sure. I’ve never asked Theo.” She hesitated, then added, “I married him eight months after we met.”

  Griff’s lips curved, but he said nothing.

  “You think we married too soon, don’t you?” said Zoe.

  “Not at all. Look, can I take over here? I’ll help for the next hour. I can deal with the emails for you, and take phone calls, and look after any guests who drop in. Go and find Theo now. He’ll put all your fears to rest.”

  Zoe went first to the sitting room, where she found a guest and learned from her Theo had gone to the first-floor study.

  Zoe hurried upstairs and ran along the passageway. Pulling the study door open she went in. James occupied one of the chairs by the coffee table, Jessica sat opposite and Theo behind his desk. They all looked at her, unsmiling, as she entered. The atmosphere was tense.

  “Theo, Jessica. I didn’t realise you planned a meeting.” Her mouth went dry.

  “Yes,” said Jessica. “Sorry, Zoe, we should have let you know, but it was so last-minute. I’m glad you’re here. Come and join us.”

  Zoe desperately wanted to speak to Theo alone. But now it wasn’t possible. She took the third easy chair and sat with crossed arms and clenched fists.

  “Why’s James here?” she asked.

  “Because he has special information that’s relevant to this centre,” said Jessica.

  Zoe pursed her lips. She’d heard this before; and the next time someone said it to her, she felt sure she’d hit them.

  “I’m afraid, Zoe, that Theo’s just given me some disturbing news,” said Jessica.

  “About Natasha?” said Zoe. New hope flared up in her. Perhaps Theo had seen through Natasha at last and reported his concern to Jessica.

  “No,” said Jessica, “it’s not about Natasha at all; it’s about Theo’s mental health.”

  Zoe’s arms and fingers tingled as blood rushed to her face.

  “I don’t understand,” she said, aware that her voice was trembling.

  “Don’t you?” responded Jessica. “Well, I’m very sorry to hear that because I’ve just discovered that back when the Trust appointed you and Theo to your posts in this centre, Theo failed to disclose to us that he’d had, in the recent past, a severe mental breakdown.”

  Zoe gasped. She jumped up, unable to bear any more of this.

  “You’ve got it wrong about Theo. He’s only suffered a bit of depression now and again. He’s never had a mental breakdown.”

  Silence fell. She gazed at Theo, who failed to meet her eye.

  Zoe’s heart hammered.

  “I’m sorry about this, Zoe,” said Jessica, “especially as it seems you may not even know the full story yourself. ‘Bit of depression now and again’ doesn’t fit the case. We’re talking about eighteen months of severe depression and psychosis. That’s what Theo has now admitted to me, following James’s encouragement.”

  Zoe gasped and spun to face Theo again.

  “I’m sorry, Zoe,” he said. “I told you as much as I thought you could bear. Why should I talk about the… the full horror and wretchedness of it?” His voice dropped. “I was afraid you’d think twice about marrying me.”

  Jessica drew her breath in between her teeth.

  Zoe looked desperately at James. What part had he played in stirring this up with Jessica? She felt like tearing him limb from limb. Meanwhile, James’s facial expression was like that of a brown bear crouching with its paw out over white-water rapids, ready to catch a salmon. She felt a rush of fury at his betrayal.

  “Have you been listening to lies from James?” she asked.

  Jessica wore a look of deep disapproval.

  “Zoe,” said Theo, “please, don’t say any more.”

  She ignored Theo; instead, clenching her fists, she glared at James. If she hit him now, in front of Jessica and Theo, at this critical moment, she knew she’d destroy whatever remaining chances they may have of holding onto their positions at this centre; and she’d never forgive herself.

  “Zoe,” pleaded Theo, “please understand, I’m in the wrong. I should have told the trustees the full story, before they appointed me. And I’m sorry, Jessica, that I held back from telling you the truth at the beginning.”

  Before Jessica could answer, James interjected.

  “Of course, Theo, we sympathise with you, for what you’ve suffered. And I cannot be insensitive to these things, in the world in which I move. I’ve met numerous creative people, in both theatre and the film industry, whose mental health is fragile. But I also feel for Jessica, in her position. She must do what’s best for us guests.”

  To Zoe’s fury, tears escaped from her eyes and began to trickle down her cheeks. Theo came out from behind the desk and went straight to Zoe, putting his arms around her and holding her tight. But her tears continued to roll, staining his shirt and soaking it. Then she pulled back from him; and he covered his face with his hands.

  James’s voice flowed on. “Far be it from me, as a guest, to intrude at this moment of crisis, Jessica, but I may be able to offer help.”

  “No,” said Theo, who now began pacing the room in agitation. “There’s no way you need get involved, James. We’ll manage this. I don’t believe my work here has suffered.”

  “May I make a suggestion?” said Jessica, rising to her feet. “James and I would be much better discussing this in private later. I don’t want to distress you and Zoe any more, Theo.”

  “Oh, I do agree,” said James, also getting up to stand beside Jessica. The two of them faced Theo and Zoe.

  Zoe clasped her hands to her head. “Oh, for God’s sake!” she cried, dropping her hands to her side again. “What can you and James possibly have to say to one another about this in private, Jessica?” With a desperate effort Zoe restrained herself from lunging forward, seizing Jessica’s arm and shaking some sense into her. “Why can’t you see the truth about James? Why can’t you see through his lies?”

  Theo, Jessica and James all stared at her, aghast.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  As soon as Jessica and James had left the room together, having agreed to ignore Zoe’s last words to them all, and with an avowed intention on Jessica’s part to call a further meeting of the trustees, Zoe turned to Theo and seized both his hands.

  “Theo, tell me. Depression I understand. But what’s psychosis?”

  She could feel the tension in his muscles.

  “It’s as if someone else has climbed into your mind and taken control of it. You say and do things you cannot remember later. You only have what other people tell you to go by. And eventually you have to accept what they claim you did.”

  “And… what things did you do?”

  “Well, the police later told me I was found in a field with a shotgun. I said I was going to catch a rabbit for the pot.”

  She stared at him. She wanted to laugh, and cry at the same time.

  “But,” she whispered, “you did get better again.”

  “Yes, Zoe, I did.”

&n
bsp; “Did you take medication?”

  “To my shame, no. It was prescribed for me. Though quite honestly there’s a lot I can’t remember.”

  Zoe’s eyes widened.

  “Had it ever happened before that?” she asked.

  “Well,” he said, “my first attempt at theological training failed. Something similar happened then. I took a course of medication to help me through. But, you know, my first marriage… I married very young. That was a big mistake. It all broke down during my ordination training, though I later convinced the selection board to put me forward again.”

  Zoe squeezed his hands. “This stuff is all history. Now, it’s you and me. And what just happened in this room isn’t what you deserve.” He kissed her on the forehead. Her words tumbled over each other as she released his hands. “Theo, you must speak to Jessica alone. We can’t let her involve James like this.”

  Theo shook his head. “I’m keeping out of it. Jessica can take this to the trustees and let them make of it what they will.” He adjusted his watchstrap, arm across his body.

  “But James will be pouring poison into Jessica’s ears right now,” insisted Zoe desperately. “You can’t run the risk of being sacked over this. Go to Jessica straight away.”

  “No.”

  Zoe’s face burned.

  “If you won’t do it, I will!”

  She stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her. Then she stood with her back against the door, trembling. Any moment a guest would emerge from a bedroom to see what was wrong. Since it was six o’clock she expected to find a few around. As if on cue, a bedroom door opened and Cynthia appeared, wide-eyed.

  “Anything wrong, Zoe? I heard a door bang. It made me jump. Must admit, when I hear that, it reminds me of the last row I had with my ex before I walked out on him.”

  Zoe cleared her throat.

  “Sorry Cynthia. I was a bit rough with the door. Everything OK with you?”

  “Oh yes,” said Cynthia, “couldn’t be better. I’m so glad I came here, Zoe. I could never have dreamed I’d meet someone like Natasha. It’s almost too good to be true.”

  Zoe was speechless. Cynthia threw her a brilliant smile and then trod lightly along the corridor and down the stairs.