"I'm going to say something. And it's the only time I'll say it because I don’t ever want things to be weird between us." He looked me in the eye. "I like you, Liv. A lot. And I know we've got something here."
"Logan, please, don't."
"Just hear me out. There's something here. Between us. Why are you so dead set on staying friends?"
I swallowed, trying to get the lump out of my throat. Staying friends meant having a future with him. If we crossed the fine line between friendship and…more than friendship, the chance of us having any sort of future together would be practically non-existent. I hated what I would say next, but it had to be done if I wanted to keep him.
"Because that's all I feel, Logan."
The devastation in his eyes killed me. I knew he cared about me, but I didn't know how much until this very moment. It was a horrible feeling to know that I was the one making him feel this way.
I could tell he wanted to say something, but he simply exhaled and shook his head. "Okay. You can't get any clearer than that."
"I'm sorry, I..."
"No…You know what? It’s not okay. I know you feel it, too, Liv. What are you so afraid of?"
"What do you mean? I'm not afraid of anything. I told you, I don't do relationships."
"Bullshit! That’s an excuse. You kiss other people, why can’t you kiss me?"
“What the hell, that’s a rude thing to say!”
He ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation. “Tell me. Help me to make sense of it because I don’t fucking get it! You say you want to be friends, but the way you look at me when I touch you is not just friendly, Liv. Do you know how hard it is for me to control myself around you? You’re beautiful, smart, you’ve got spunk. And damn you’re fun. I’ve never met anyone like you before.” He took my hand. “We could be good together. Don’t you think it’s worth a try?”
He was right. We would be good together. We’d be phenomenal. The thought occurred to me to do what every part of my body and soul wanted to do…give in. Be his and have him be mine. But I knew if I did, it would be only a temporary euphoria. History has shown that, for me, having a mutual love for another person means having to say goodbye. It was like some sort of cruel genetic defect. Being more than friends would never last, and once we crossed the line, there would be no way of going back. We’d be done. And the thought of losing him terrified me.
“And then what?” I pulled my hand out of his and took a step back. “What happens when it ends, Logan? Because it will. It always does. I care about you. I don’t care about Evan or any other boys. That’s why it’s okay for me to kiss them.”
He was silent for several moments as he stared at me. "Do you know how back-asswards that is?”
“I’m sorry. Being in a relationship is just not in the cards for me, okay? It’s never going to happen. I don’t want it to. Being friends is all I have to offer.”
He studied me for a moment, defeat slowly devouring his expression. “Fine. I get it. I understand. I promise, I won't mention it again.”
He turned away from me and started towards the bar, but I grabbed his wrist. “Logan, stop!” He turned to me with hope in his eyes. “Are we good?”
He looked down at the floor. “Yeah, we’re good.”
It was the first time he lied those words to me.
*
It didn’t take long for me to find out just how not good we were. I stepped out of the ladies room and spotted Logan at the bar doing shots with two beautiful blonds standing on each side of him. His eye caught mine as I approached, and he smiled at me as if he were having the greatest time of his life.
“Liv, this is Kelsey and Candace,” Logan politely introduced us.
“Is this your girlfriend?” a confused Candace asked.
“No, baby,” he looked at me with a smile. “She’s just a friend.”
He called her baby.
I politely shook their perfectly manicured hands, then stood off to the side, not really sure what to do with myself now that Logan was otherwise occupied. Several minutes passed as the girls giggled and cooed, staying attentive to Logan’s every word. The music was too loud, and I wasn’t close enough to them to be part of the conversation.
“We’re gonna go dance,” Logan informed me as the girls pulled him away. “You wanna join us?”
My heart sank at the indifference in his voice. Unable to speak, I shook my head. For a moment, I thought I saw a pang of compassion in his eyes, but he quickly brushed it off as he was tugged to the dance floor.
I tried not to watch, but I couldn’t seem to stop. While Candace took her place behind him and Kelsey in front, they swayed in unison with him, their hands exploring every part of him. By the amused, lustful expression on his face, I could tell he was enjoying every moment of it.
As Candace brought her hands to Logan’s stomach, under his shirt, he took Kelsey by the small of her back, bringing her close so that their legs bumped against each other’s. With his other hand, he swept her hair behind her ear, then delicately pulled her chin up and brought his face to hers.
That’s when I looked away.
I flagged the bartender and ordered my favorite shot. I reached into my pocket to pay for it, but again, he didn’t take my money.
“It’s on him,” the bartender said as he pointed to a gorgeous man, who looked to be in his early twenties, on the other side of the bar. His light brown hair was tucked behind his ears. I smiled and raised my shot glass to say thank you, then swallowed it down.
My buzz increased, as well as my boredom. This was supposed to be our birthday celebration. Why was Logan the only one allowed to have fun? I made a conscious decision to stop wallowing and began to subtly move to the music as I stood by the bar, searching for something to entertain me. I took one last look at the dance floor and met Logan’s eyes. He turned away the very moment it happened.
“Is that your boyfriend?” a voice from behind me said into my ear. I spun around to see the man who had bought the shot for me.
“No, apparently, I’m more like his wing man,” I replied.
He laughed. “Well, then who’s your wing man?”
“Again…me.” I smiled.
“You’re obviously someone who doesn’t need a wing man. Or any help for that matter.”
I looked at him, confused.
“You’re very beautiful,” he clarified as he smiled, showing a dimple in his left cheek and perfect white teeth.
Normally that sort of line would turn me off. But this man had an enticing confidence, and I was bored. I extended my hand. “I’m Liv.”
He placed his hand in mine with just the right amount of firmness. “Tyler.”
We stood in place, neither one of us letting go.
“So, Liv, tell me what you love to do?”
“Well, that’s a pretty broad question, don’t you think?” I replied, finally releasing his hand.
“I don’t think so. It would be broad if I asked you what you like to do. I asked you what you love to do. That cuts the options down drastically.”
As I thought about his question, the only thing that came to mind was Logan. I loved spending time with him. I loved the way he laughed at my stupid humor. I loved the way he looked at me and how I felt around him. I looked down at the floor as I thought about the irrefutable fact that things might not be the same with us anymore.
Tyler’s comforting hand touched my shoulder. “Hey, it’s just a question. How about I tell you what I love instead.”
I smiled. “Okay.”
“I love quiet places.”
“Huh?” Confused, I glanced around at our noisy surroundings.
“There’s a coffee shop next door. You want to go?”
“Oh! I don’t know, I came with…”
“Just one coffee. I’ll have you back in a half hour. I promise. Your friend seems occupied anyway.”
I looked back at the dance floor where Logan’s angry eyes were on me, or maybe Tyler, while
Candace and Kelsey’s hands were on him.
“Sure, why not?” I said, shrugging.
Tyler offered his arm, and I latched my hand around it. The thought crossed my mind to tell Logan I was leaving but that would surely cause a scene that I did not want to deal with. I would just tell Matt instead.
As we approached the exit hallway, I was yanked backwards by a tug on my sweater.
“Hey!” I shouted.
“What are you doing?” Logan’s expression exuded fury. And fear.
“Logan, this is my favorite sweater!”
“Is there a problem here?” Tyler said in an authoritative voice.
“Yeah, there is. She’s with me,” Logan challenged, bringing his face close to Tyler’s.
“It didn’t look like it,” Tyler responded condescendingly, then he turned to me. “Liv, it’s up to you. But I’ll tell you this. Whoever you are ‘with’ should treat you like their first choice. Not their last.” He faced Logan. “Any idiot can see that.”
Logan’s fists clenched tightly on each side of him. His eyes narrowed just before he lunged at Tyler, fisting his shirt and pounding him in the jaw with his other fist. Tyler stepped back, confused, and lost balance for a moment, then immediately reciprocated with a blow to Logan’s face.
“STOP IT!!!” I screamed, trying to get between them. An elbow bashed into my mouth, thrusting me back a few steps. My fingers examined my lips which were wet to the touch, and when I drew them away from my face, they were bright red. I cringed at the rusty taste in my mouth. The action continued in front of me. Logan and Tyler kept at it, delivering blow after blow until they were both on the ground.
“Break it up! Break it up!” A familiar voice approached. Relief washed over me when I saw Matt. He took hold of Logan, pulling him up off the floor, while another bouncer gripped Tyler. It took a moment for them both to calm down.
“Real fucking mature, asshole!” Tyler shouted. “You really think that shit is going to impress her?” He forcefully pulled himself off the bouncer and reached into his pocket, pulling out a little white card. He turned to me and handed me the card. “Liv, you deserve better. Call me if you ever want to hang out.” Then he turned and left.
“Yeah, keep walking, asshole!” Logan shouted.
Tyler kept walking but lifted his middle finger in the air in response to Logan’s comment.
“Holy shit, Liv,” Matt said as he let go of Logan. He took some cocktail napkins from the bar and placed them on my bloody lip.
“I’m fine, it’s nothing,” I lied. My face was throbbing.
While Matt dabbed my lip, my gaze found Logan’s. Completely still, with utter shock mixed with regret in his eyes, he watched me. A drop of blood trickled down the side of his face from the cut on his left eyebrow. Even battered and bruised, he was immaculate. I took the cocktail napkin from Matt and held it in my hand. Not letting my eyes leave Logan’s, I moved toward him, stopping inches in front of him.
He brought his hand to my face and brushed the corner of my mouth with his thumb. “I’m so sorry.”
The pain in his eyes as he gazed down at me brought tears to my eyes. I took the napkin and dabbed the corner of his eyebrow as his eyes searched mine. My hand fell to my side, and I let the napkin slip out of my fingers. Without a thought, my hands found a place on his sides which only caused more anguish in his perfect face.
I cautiously moved my hands to his back and placed my cheek on his chest. His breaths, heavy and deep, moved me as my body pressed against his. My eyes closed as I breathed his intoxicating scent, a mixture of deodorant, sweat and blood. After a moment, he carefully took hold of me and brought his lips to my ear.
“I’m so sorry, Liv…He’s right, I’m an idiot.” He pulled his face away so that he could look at me. “You are my first choice. You’re my only choice.”
His eyes pleaded for forgiveness. But I knew in my mind that he did nothing wrong. I didn’t belong to him, and he didn’t belong to me. He was free to do whatever he wanted. “Let’s just go, okay?”
He nodded, then took my hand and began to walk me toward the door.
Matt stood in front of us. “Oh no, neither one of you are driving. I’ll call you a cab.”
Chapter Sixteen
I waited next to Matt under the heat lamp as Logan retrieved our coats from his car. I was thankful to have a sweater and jeans on. Some of the girls in line were wearing nothing but mini dresses. They must’ve been freezing.
The cab pulled up to the curb just as Logan returned. I gave Matt a hug and a quick peck on the cheek before remembering that he was supposed to be a tough guy tonight. “Thank you, Matt. For everything.”
He smiled without any hint that my thoughtless affection had bothered him. “Anytime, hon. Take care of that lip.”
Logan held the cab door open for me as he nodded a goodbye to Matt. I scooted in and moved to the other side while Logan entered behind me.
“Where to?” the cabbie asked.
Logan gave him my address, and the cab started down the road. With no radio on and none of us talking, the only sound to be heard was that of the heater vents and the tires on the road.
I turned to face Logan. His gaze was overly focused on the nothing that was straight ahead, with his elbow on the window ledge and his knuckle on his temple. The city lights lit up his face as they moved, each time making the gloss in his eyes more apparent. He knew I was watching him, but he wouldn’t meet my stare.
“Logan?” I whispered.
“Yeah,” he said, still looking ahead of him.
I hesitated. I wanted to ask him if we were good, but I was afraid of what the answer would be. He took a chance tonight. He put himself out there without getting the result he had hoped for, and part of me knew that after tonight, we would never be good again. At least not in the way we were. Tonight was a turning point.
For the first time, I questioned my decision. But I couldn’t tell him what I was thinking without giving him mixed signals. He deserved better than that. I sighed. “Never mind.”
I looked straight ahead as tears began to well in my eyes and a huge rock formed in my throat. We had to be okay. There was no other option. All my attempts to keep him couldn’t have been done in vain. This situation needed to be rectified.
I placed my hand, palm down, next to my thigh and took a deep, hopeful, breath. Slowly, I moved my hand to the center of the seat, between the two of us, hoping, praying that he would meet me halfway.
Logan remained motionless.
The minutes passed. I glanced at him in an attempt to get some sort of reaction, but all I noticed was his eyebrows pulling closer together, his chest lifting up and down with heavy breaths, and his jaw clenching tightly. I knew he felt my eyes on him. And I knew he saw my hand between us, waiting for him to take it. Still, he stared straight ahead.
Each moment that my reconciliation gesture continued to go unanswered, my hope slowly dissipated, until finally, it disappeared completely. What we had was gone. It would never be the same.
My head bowed down as my hand found its way back to my thigh. As I attempted to gather my senses, an involuntary sniffle came from my nose. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Logan turn his head towards me. I turned to look out the window to hide my glossy eyes from him.
It was late and the roads were free of other cars. Empty. I knew emptiness like an old hollow friend that I had pushed away years ago. No matter how hard I tried, it always seemed to burrow its way back into my heart. Logan was making the choice to let me go.
Dammit!
An unexpected warmth encompassed my hand and squeezed tight. I looked down to see Logan’s strong hand on mine. My gaze moved up his extended arm and to his wet, broken eyes. How was it, that one single look from him could make everything else in the world go away? The corners of his mouth turned up slightly in an attempt at a compassionate smile.
“C’mere,” he said as he pulled on my hand.
A sob of relief escaped me, pu
shing a tear out, as I unbuckled my seat belt and nuzzled into him. With my head on his chest, he swept my hair back with his fingers in a repetitive motion.
He let out a sigh. “You’re making me crazy. I can’t figure out how to get past the cluster-fuck in my mind when I’m around you.” He seemed to be saying it to himself more than to me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I didn’t know what else to say.
“Don’t be. Don’t ever be sorry for the way you make me feel.” He took a breath then rested his cheek on my head. “If friends is what you need, I promise I’ll try. For you, I’ll try.”
He held me silently for the rest of the ride home. I began to think this might actually work out. We might actually be able to salvage our friendship.
As we turned onto my street, my phone buzzed. It was a text from Evan.
r u home?
I had no interest in responding. As I put my phone back in my pocket, we pulled into my driveway.
“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Logan grumbled.
I looked up to see a Nissan Altima in my driveway and Evan on my balcony.
Oh shit.
Evan and I had been spending time together every so often since we met. Although neither one of us had any sort of romantic interest in each other, and even though he had a girlfriend far away in Denver, our relationship was not exactly platonic.
My mind drifted to our last encounter about a week ago. He had come over to watch a movie, and although the movie played in its entirety, our time was spent doing something other than watching it.
“Mmm,” Evan groaned as I straddled him on the couch and sucked on his earlobe. I was fully clothed, but his shirt was off, revealing his muscular arms and chest. My hands became magnets to his abdomen. As my lips moved to his jawline and down his neck, my thumbs traced each valley of each muscle on his stomach, causing him to moan again. “How far are we going to go today, Liv?”
Not sure what he meant by that, I stopped and looked him in the eyes.
The Fine Line Page 12