I felt his eyes on me, but I didn’t flinch. My eyelids remained shut as I waited. Several moments passed.
“You told me you love me,” he said as if he had just realized it.
I do love you.
“Love isn’t enough,” I took a breath for strength. “Please get out of my car.”
“I’m so sorry, Liv. You need to know that I love you. Nothing will ever change that.”
He waited for a reaction, but I was too wounded and stubborn to give one. How could I ever get past him and Chloe being in the same bed together when he was supposed to love me? None of this made sense to me.
Finally, he opened the door and stepped out. I watched through the rearview mirror as he headed toward the building. Once he reached the door, he turned around, facing my car. After a moment, he opened the door and disappeared into the building.
I left the parking lot and drove for several blocks until my heart began to pound so hard in my throat that I thought it would explode. Despite the cold, I felt as though I were having a hot flash. I couldn’t catch my breath as the dread for what would happen next flooded my thoughts.
I parked the car by the curb trying to prepare myself for the feeling that had been waiting for years to consume me again. I put the car in park and waited, knowing it was about to happen at any moment.
Finally, it struck.
I watched my hands bang on the steering wheel and heard my voice cry out. It became even more difficult to breathe as the sobbing started and my face became drenched in tears. I thought about how incredible it felt, sleeping in his arms…less than twenty-four hours ago, and I became overwhelmed by the loss of him. It’s funny how life can completely change in an instant. It was over. I would never get to have that feeling again. My best friend…the one true love of my life…was gone.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Just when I thought I had been able to hold myself together long enough to get home, I thought about the look on Logan’s face when Chloe came out, and another wave of agony crashed into me at full force. I had to pull the car over again. With my hands covering my face, I released the cries that begged to escape. Then, I thought about the look in his eyes the first time he told me he loved me, and the grief that had already consumed me became even more unbearable.
My hand reached to the glove compartment, and my fingers pulled it open. Melody always left an extra stash of cigarettes in my car, just in case. I grasped the package, taking a lighter and one slim white roll out of it.
I hated smoking. I had never done it and never wanted to do it. The thought of it disgusted me thoroughly. But I needed to do something to get rid of this stabbing pain in my heart. And in this moment of collapse, my mind could not come up with a better idea than to divert the pain to my lungs.
With conviction, I placed the filter in my mouth and lit the other end. My chest constricted the moment I inhaled, and I immediately hacked out several long, raspy coughs.
That was a horrible idea.
I opened my window and threw the lit cigarette out of it. Then I proceeded to snatch the rest of the cigarettes out of the package, opened my door, and crushed them to tiny little pieces onto the road. I wheezed in and out, still trying to catch my breath. I was terrified I would never breath normally again, and my mouth tasted like an ashtray.
Good, I’m thinking about something else.
Moving the gear to the ‘drive’ position, I pulled out onto the road and finished my ride home. It was a short drive, but by the time I arrived in my driveway, my body was drowning in exhaustion. All I wanted to do was sleep.
My keys jingled as I unlocked the front door. Once inside, I headed straight to my room with the intention of dropping onto my bed, but just before I did, my eyes caught a pink stamped envelope on top of the comforter. I took it in my hands and looked at the return address.
Dad’s annual apology.
I already knew what it said. The cards had been getting less and less personal every year, yet the dollar amount of the check inside kept increasing. By this time, the message inside probably said something along the lines of “Hope you have a good birthday” or something equally generic. The last three cards included some form of “Sorry I didn’t get a chance to see you this year. Love, Your Father.”
He didn’t even call himself “Dad.” I didn’t care about his stupid card or his stupid check. I let out one sarcastic chuckle before ripping the card in two and throwing it across my room. I didn’t even know the man. The thought of accepting his apology or his money repulsed me.
Letting my coat drop to the floor, I kicked off my shoes and collapsed onto my bed, immediately falling into a state of unconsciousness
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Piece. Of. Shit-car!” I yelled as my palms slammed on the steering wheel. I tried turning the key again for the fifth time and got nothing. I’d have to deal with my car later; I needed to get to school. Reaching into my coat pocket, I grasped my phone and dialed Melody’s number.
“What’s up girl?” she answered.
“Hey, my car won’t start. Can I catch a ride to school with you?”
“Yeah, I’m actually leaving now. I can be there in a few minutes.”
Thank God for Melody. She was always there for me. As promised, she arrived in less than five minutes.
Our morning ride to school was a quiet one. In fact, I hadn’t said much of anything to anyone in the last week. I barely remembered if the last few days even happened. The time felt almost robotic. I forced myself to go through the motions, but it was as though I were outside my body, controlling it from another place. Sleep felt good, and my dreams were peaceful… Mostly, they were of me and Logan, together…happy. I wished I could sleep forever.
“C’mon, Liv. You’ve got to snap out of it, girl,” Melody said as she parked her car in the lot at school. “You’ve been walking around like a zombie all week. It’s getting old.”
“I’m fine, Mel. Really, it’s no big deal.” She rolled her eyes and gave me a “yeah, right” glance so I tried to change the subject as I stepped out of the car. “What are your plans with Nate tonight?” Today was their anniversary, and there was no doubt they would be spending it together.
“Not sure. He’s going to surprise me.” She smiled at the thought, and I was happy for her. They were good together…good to each other. Logan and I used to be good to each other too. A surge of pressure swept through my heart at the thought of just how good Logan and I used to be.
*
The first half of the day dragged. No matter how much I tried to focus on my teachers, school, or anything else for that matter, my mind kept wandering to that morning.
The last I heard from Logan was the text he sent to me the day I left him.
Thank you for the gift. It means everything to me.
I hadn’t received a call or text from him since then. I didn’t expect to, but at the same time, I found myself constantly wondering why I hadn’t. Despite the betrayal I felt, there was a small part of me that wanted to hear from him. Come to think of it, there was a huge part of me that wanted to. I missed him terribly. I had never felt so empty before. Never.
We hadn’t been apart for this long since we met. Maybe he had finally given up on me. Maybe he finally heard what I had been saying all along and decided there was no use in trying. It was what I had been pushing him to do. It was what he should do. It was what I should do. The thought of it, however, caused a wave of sadness to pass through my entire body.
His persistence had given me hope. Regardless of what I saw that morning, I wanted to believe that I was wrong. He told me he didn’t remember anything. A little voice in the far depths of my mind kept telling me that maybe nothing actually happened. I wanted to believe he didn’t throw away what we had together. I wanted to believe in him.
A clicking noise distracted me, and my focus centered on Mel’s fingers snapping in front of my face.
“Are you here, hon?” she asked from across the lunch t
able. The school cafeteria had begun to clear out as everyone headed to their next class.
“Huh? Yeah. What?”
“Have you heard anything that I’ve said at all?”
“I’m sorry, Mel.” Tears began to prick my eyes. Crap, here it comes again. Ever since I let my guard down that fateful morning, I’ve been a hot mess. Yesterday, I started crying in Spanish class, and the day before, it happened in Psych. I’ve never been so freaking fragile in my life. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
She looked at me with compassion. “Has he called yet?”
I shook my head. The fact that he hasn’t called yet could only mean one thing. I had been right about what I saw.
“He will. That boy loves you, Liv.”
Unable to speak, I nodded and pressed my lips together into a forced smile, as I kept the tears at bay. I took a deep breath in through my nose as I stood up and looked at my tray full of uneaten food. My appetite had become almost non-existent in the last week.
Mel had no doubt been talking about her Christmas break plans during lunch. Her parents were taking her and her brother to Costa Rica. They were even letting her bring Nate, but he had to pay his own way. As we walked out the cafeteria doors and into the hallway lined with lockers and other kids, it occurred to me how thoughtless it was that I had been ignoring her. “I’m sorry, Mel. I really want to hear all about it. Did you say you’re going to swim with dolphins?”
She smiled and began telling me her itinerary. I listened intently, as any good friend would, until my phone buzzed just as we reached our lockers.
“Why is Gavin calling me?” I interrupted her.
She shrugged, annoyed.
I put my phone to my ear. “Gavin?”
“Hey. Um. Shit. I don’t know how to tell you this.”
“How about you just say it,” I replied, irritated and a little amused.
“He’ll probably be pissed at me for telling you, but of all people, you should know.”
“Gavin?”
“Yeah?”
“Tell me why you’re calling.”
I heard him sigh into the phone. “Logan’s locked up.”
My eyes widened as my mouth dropped open.
Mel looked at me concerned. “What’s wrong?”
I shook my head and began to get frantic. “What happened? Where is he?”
“He got busted at a race last night…Well, this morning. Early. Or late if you consider it last night. I don’t know—I just woke up. What time is it, anyway?”
“Gavin, just tell me what happened!”
“He should’ve just gotten the hell out of there. They never would’ve caught him if he would’ve tried.”
“Gavin! Start from the beginning.”
“The spotters didn’t see the cops in time. Those bastards snuck up on us quick. They came out of nowhere just after the race started, and they chased Logan right away. He pulled right over. Didn’t even try to get away. Dumbass.”
“Why is he in jail? Why didn’t they just give him a reckless driving ticket or something?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t stick around to find out.”
“That’s shitty, Gavin! You’re supposed to be his friend!”
“Hey, Logan’s one of my best friends, but I’m not getting busted for him.”
I let out a single sarcastic laugh. Unbelievable. “Where is he?”
“Downtown Police Department. That’s what I would guess anyway. He hasn’t called at all, so I’m thinking he’s probably still there.”
“Meet me there in twenty minutes,” I demanded.
“No way. I’m not going there. They know me too, Liv. Who knows what bullshit they’ll say to lock me up. This is the Midwest, Liv. There aren’t any laws around here that could’ve gotten him arrested for anything he did. Reckless driving and speeding aren’t arrest-worthy. They must’ve pulled something out of their asses.”
Shit! “Okay. I’ll figure it out.” I took a calming breath. “Hey, Gavin?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
“Yeah. Of course. Keep me posted.”
I took the phone away from my ear and looked at Mel. “Logan’s in jail. I need to borrow your car.”
*
I rushed through the front doors of the police station and straight down the wide hallway to the unoccupied reception window. It was quiet. Two police officers in uniform sat at desks towards the back of the area, laughing and talking. I looked around the desk for a bell to ring but found nothing.
“Excuse me,” I called out.
Neither of them noticed me.
“Excuse me!” I raised my voice louder that time, and they both turned. They looked at each other to figure out who was going to deal with me, then one of them finally came to the window.
He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me and waited.
“I…uh…found out my friend is here. What do I need to do to get him out?” I asked.
The officer looked at the computer in front of him, bored. “Name.”
“Logan Tanner.”
He typed the name onto the keyboard while I anxiously waited. “Here he is. Oh. He was released this morning.”
Oh, thank God.
“Why was he arrested?” I asked.
He did more typing. “Huh.” He looked at me and squinted his eyes. “And who are you?”
“Olivia Evans. I’m a friend.”
He nodded, then looked back at the monitor. “We got him for second offense reckless driving, endangering persons or property, and unpaid motor-vehicle citations. Tell your friend to be more careful.”
“Okay, thank you.” I turned away, walked back down the long hallway and out the exit door.
When I reached Mel’s car, I took my phone out and dialed Logan’s number. It rang twice.
When he answered, he hesitated before saying anything. “Hi, Liv.”
Hearing his voice made me miss him even more. I had to take a breath to hold myself together. “Gavin told me what happened,” I said quietly. “Are you okay?”
He sighed. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
I could tell by his tone that he wasn’t fine at all. He sounded completely defeated. He needed help. “Logan, where are you?”
He paused. “Liv, I don’t need any help, okay?” he said as if he read my mind. He had a funny way of doing that. “I’m fine. Really. You need to forget about me.”
He had to know that would never happen.
“Just tell me where you are,” I coaxed.
I waited patiently as the phone stayed silent for several moment. Finally, he spoke. “I’m at the shop.”
“I can be there in ten minutes.”
“Aren’t you at school?”
“No, I’m at the police department. Gavin told me you were still here. I came to try to help…”
“What did they tell you?” he nearly shouted, suddenly anxious.
“They told me you were arrested for reckless driving and that you were released this morning.”
He sighed. “Shit. Liv, I’m sorry, it’s not a good idea for us to meet right now. Just go back to school. You can’t keep cutting classes.”
Why? And then it hit me…stabbed me, actually…right in the inner cavity of my chest. He didn’t want to see me.
“Oh. Okay,” I said, trying to keep my cool, but failing miserably. “I guess I’ll see you around then.”
Just as I was about to hang up, he said my name.
“Yeah?” I replied.
“Why do you even care? After what I did…”
“What did you do, Logan?”
After several seconds, he sighed. “All I know is I fucking miss you.” His voice cracked as he said it.
It’s astonishing how a simple phrase can thoroughly break you. I had absolutely no control over the tears that began to fall down my cheeks the second after he said it.
“I miss you, too.”
*
Mel let me back into
the school through a side door between fifth and sixth period.
“Did you get him out?” she asked as we walked to our lockers.
“He’s already out. I went there for nothing,” I blankly replied as I placed her car keys in her palm. I felt like a complete idiot, running off and trying to ‘save’ him like that. Like he needed me.
“Are you fucking serious?” She leaned up against her locker as I opened mine. “You’re probably going to get a detention for it too.”
“I don’t really care, Mel.” I grabbed my books and slammed my locker shut. “We’re late for class. I’ll see you later. Thanks for letting me use your car.” From her expression, I could tell she was worried about me. I pulled her into a hug. “I’m lucky to have you.”
She stepped back as I released her. “You know I’ve got your back, right?”
I contrived a smile. “I know you do.” Then I turned away and began jogging down the hall to my next class.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Even though the day was almost over, the rest of it took an eternity. I practically jumped out of my seat when the final bell rang. I went to Mel’s locker and found her making out with Nate while holding a pink teddy bear, which I assumed was the first part of his anniversary surprise. How did he get in here anyway? He wasn’t even in high school, let alone this school. They really needed to up the security.
“I’ll wait in the car,” I mumbled, but I wasn’t sure if she heard me. As happy as I was for her, I didn’t need to see that right now.
“Liv, I’m coming!” she replied. She broke away from Nate and ran towards me. “Hey,” she continued, “I’m here for you. Don’t forget that, okay?”
I nodded. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. I wanted to stop thinking about it. I just wanted to forget.
“Okay, enough of this no talking and one-word answer crap!” she stopped me in the hall and faced me. “You love him. He loves you. What’s the problem?”
The Fine Line Page 19