by Joanna Nadin
Anyway, at break everyone went pickpocket mad and Stephen Warren got three Go-Gos off Sean Hawkes and Kelly Watson got a Mars bar off Big Lauren, although Big Lauren says it’s not hers because she is on a diet. Kyle got a mobile phone off Stephen Warren only then Stephen went mental because Kyle wouldn’t give it back. Wing Nuts had to come and sort it out and Miss Cafferkey said the holidays couldn’t come soon enough, and I said they were coming in two days and then it’s Easter and Miss Cafferkey said, ‘Thank the Lord for that’, which I didn’t think was very Christian of her to be glad that Jesus had been nailed to the cross so she could be on holiday, but I didn’t say it because I didn’t want to get sent to Wing Nuts. And also because I was thinking I was quite glad it was the holiday too because then maybe I could get a job like Oliver or Charles Dickens and make my fortune.
Only when I got home I asked Mum and she said children aren’t allowed to work until they are thirteen and I checked on Google and it’s true, and also they are not allowed to deliver milk or work in a factory until they are sixteen. I said it wasn’t fair so Mum said she’d give me a pound to wash the Toyota Corolla, but I said that was pointless because then the money just goes round in our family and it needs to come from someone who isn’t in our house. Mum said, ‘Suit yourself.’ She is in a mood because she has been down the job centre to see if there is a job that isn’t at Jetways, but the man said there isn’t anything for anyone in her condition even though Mum said she isn’t ill, she’s pregnant.
Miss Cafferkey was wrong when she says life was worse in Victorian times, because no one cared back then whether you were ten years old or if you were pregnant, you could work seven days a week if you wanted.
Something really BAD happened today. And not the kind that means good, which is what Kyle Perry is always saying, like ‘My watch is totally bad, innit,’ but the kind that means actually BAD.
It’s because I answered the door when Mum and Dave were out and Mum said never to answer the door unless I can see through the spyhole and it’s definitely her friend Stacey or Gran. I could see it wasn’t them because Gran has purple hair and Stacey is orange (because she says without a tan she looks like a corpse which is a dead person but Mum doesn’t agree).
But I still did it.
We were watching Tracy Beaker and eating our snack which was Cheestrings and Ritz crackers and not even arguing about whether Cheestrings are actually cheese and the doorbell rang and it has thirty-five different tunes and this one was ‘Rock of Ages’. Stan said is it Nan or Stacey and I looked through the spyhole and all I could see was some blue suit so I said no and we watched Tracy have another argument with Elaine the Pain. Then the door rang again and this time it was ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’. Stan said maybe it’s Dave 2. But I said Dave 2 wouldn’t ring the doorbell he would stand at the window and pretend to be a gorilla or just come round the back. Then I had a thought which was what if it was a woman from the magazine telling us that we had won £10,000 and she had the cheque and a photographer right there or even Hutch Hathaway to say that Dave was a step closer to a million because he was going to be on Money Madness. And then it was like I had two voices and in one ear it was Mum saying, ‘Don’t answer the door, Billy,’ and in the other it was Hutch saying, ‘It’s madness,’ and they were both shouting but Hutch shouted loudest because he is American so in the end I did answer the door. Only it wasn’t Hutch or anyone with a cheque and a photographer, it was a man called Nigel Peabody from Enderby Estate Agents and another man and a woman called Mr and Mrs Greaves who were looking for a two-bed semi with a box room because she is pregnant and it’s her first.
Nigel Peabody said, ‘Is your mum in? I did call and leave a message but I thought I’d try on the off-chance because Mr and Mrs Greaves want to measure up for curtains because there’s no time to waste haha.’ I said no and I should have said, ‘And also we’re not moving because Jetways has gone into liquidation which does not mean it’s all like water it means they are closing after the Easter holidays so bye.’ But those were not the words that came out of my mouth. The words that came out were, ‘She’s just popped out but she said to let you in,’ and Stan was saying, ‘No she didn’t,’ but I said, ‘Ignore him he is mental’. And Nigel said, ‘If you’re sure.’ And I said, ‘Yes and can I offer you a biscuit? It’s an actual Oreo not own-brand, I checked.’ But Mrs Greaves said no thanks and so did Mr Greaves and Nigel was already talking about pelmets and I didn’t even know what they were.
And up until then everything was good because another Tracy Beaker episode came on telly so Stan didn’t say anything else because he was watching Tracy pretend her real mum is a film star, which she is not, but then I heard the Toyota Corolla park and not on the multicoloured gravel but on the road, because Nigel Peabody’s car, which was a red Fiat 500 2010 plate, was on the multicoloured gravel.
And that is when it all went bad.
Mum opened the door and said, ‘Billy?’ And I said ‘Yes, Mum?’ because I was being polite in front of Nigel Peabody. But Mum wasn’t being polite because she said, ‘What the flaming heck is going on?’ And I could have told her the truth but my mouth didn’t want to be polite or even to work any more. It just opened and shut like a fish and my stomach felt sick like there was actually a fish inside it and my legs and arms wanted to swim away to America. Only I couldn’t swim but I could run, so I did. I ran upstairs, past Nigel Peabody who was tapping the wall on the staircase, and Mr Greaves who was looking in the bath where there is a blue stain still from where Stan tried to dye himself blue with food colouring, and past Mrs Greaves who was just looking pregnant, and into my bedroom. I shut the door and got under the duvet and said the shipping forecast in my head.
And I said it ten times, over and over. But I still felt all juddery. And then I knew what I needed, and I knew where they were, packed away in a box ready for us moving. But I got them out and climbed on the wardrobe which is out of bounds and stuck them to the ceiling but the stick had gone and some of them kept falling down and so I got my purple sticky-tape dispenser shaped like a snail and sticky-taped them even though we are not supposed to put sticky tape on walls or ceilings because it pulls off the paint, but I didn’t care about the paint I just wanted them back.
And I got them. Fifty glow stars like a giant night sky above the bed. I counted them and I counted them until the electricity started to die down and my legs and arms didn’t feel like running, and then I turned on to my side and stared at the wallpaper spaceman and wished he would take me with him to Mars or Neptune, but he didn’t. Instead Mum came in and sat down on the bed and said, ‘That was really stupid, Billy. How many times have I told you not to open the door.’ And I was thinking, ‘Seven times,’ but I didn’t say it because I thought Mum didn’t really want to know how many times, it was a rhetorical question, which if you ask me is just pointless because why ask a question if you don’t want an answer? And I was right because she carried on talking and said, ‘What if he’d been a burglar or a murderer?’ And I thought that a burglar or a murderer wouldn’t ring they would just come round the back like Dave 2 only not do the gorilla thing. But I still didn’t say anything because I thought she was still being rhetorical, but she wasn’t. She said, ‘Look at me, Billy.’ So I did. And she said, ‘Now listen to me.’ So I did that too. I listened and I heard, ‘I’m sorry he came round, I should have rung him to cancel the viewing, but it slipped my mind. And I’m sorry we’re not moving. But you’d miss this house, anyway.’ I said, ‘No I wouldn’t. Because I’d get an ensuite and anyway I hate this house.’ Mum said, ‘Well, life is like that sometimes, Billy. It doesn’t always have a prize or a happy ending. Sometimes it just goes on and you have to make the best of it.’ And she didn’t hug me like she normally does. She went out and shut the door and I went back to staring at the spaceman. But I didn’t wish to be taken away this time. I made another wish.
I wished for the baby to go away. Because then we wouldn’t be so poor and Mum wou
ld be able to get another job because she wouldn’t be in her condition. And I knew it was a bad thing to think, but I thought it anyway.
Akeem Adams is leaving school. It’s because his dad works at Gaskell’s which is a factory that makes pies and when you walk past you can smell meat and onion. Only they stopped making them last week, and the factory is shut but the pie smell is still there. Anyway, they’re moving in with Akeem’s grandma who lives in Mangotsfield tomorrow which means he won’t be back after the holidays because he’s going to All Saints instead.
Kyle Perry said, ‘Good riddance,’ because Akeem always beats him at Grand Theft Auto, so he got sent to Wing Nuts again. I wish it was Kyle Perry moving instead. Big Lauren says he is a sign of Broken Britain. I think she’s right because his front garden is mostly full of bits of car and some broken concrete and their dog Killer’s poo. And one of the windows has been boarded up for six months where Kyle’s dad broke it with a tin of tomatoes. Nan says they are a disgrace and letting down the street, but Mum says sometimes life is hard and there are more important things than dog poo.
Big Lauren said maybe we could move in with Nan then we wouldn’t have to change schools because she is only one road away. But I said Nan only has one spare bedroom and Tammy the cat sleeps in it because Nan snores and Tammy doesn’t like snoring. And anyway we don’t need to move into Nan’s because we will be moving to 17 Mornington Road because I am going to make my fortune.
But then I had a bad thought which was what if Dave loses his job as well then maybe we will have to move in with HIS mum who I’m supposed to call Nanna June. Only I don’t call her anything because we never see her because she lives in Grimsby which is 244.2 miles away from here.
So I asked him as soon as I got home from school when we were on our own because Mum had gone with Stan to do the big shop. And I didn’t want to go because Stan rides in the trolley even though he is too old and it makes him look like a mentalist. I went straight into the dining room and said, ‘Are you going to get sacked too, Dave?’ Dave said, ‘Hang on a minute, Billy boy, I just need to kill an elf,’ because he was playing WarRaiders which is his favourite game on the computer. So he killed the elf with his sword of plenty and then he pressed pause and said, ‘Come here, kid.’ And he meant on his lap only no one at secondary school sits on laps so I didn’t come here, I stood right there where I already was. He said, ‘Have it your way. But listen, people are going to carry on getting ill, which means the hospital will carry on needing nurses.’ I said what about Akeem’s dad at the pie factory, but Dave said pies aren’t the same as nurses because people can always eat cheaper pies or maybe vegetarian sausages for instance, but you can’t get cheaper nurses. I thought, ‘But you can get vegetarian ones though.’ But I didn’t say it because Dave says it’s not OK to define someone by what they eat, i.e. not to call Samina Hussein ‘Halal Hussein’ because she is Muslim. Or Whopper Mackenzie ‘Whopper’ just because he eats so many burgers. Only I don’t know what Whopper’s real name is, so I don’t call him anything. And also because right then Mum came back with Stan and said, ‘Give us a hand with the bags, boys. There’s a speciality sandwich in it for you,’ which is our treat on big shop day. It’s toasted bread with a banana and Dairy Milk chocolate inside which sounds gross but isn’t. And so we went to give her a hand. Only when we got to the car I could see inside the boot.
The bags weren’t orange like they usually are. And when I looked inside the bags there weren’t cans of Heinz Beans or Bird’s Custard or Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. And the chocolate wasn’t Dairy Milk it was a foreign word and the bread didn’t have a name on it at all. And I knew then that Mum hadn’t done the big shop in the normal supermarket. She had done it in Discount Deals.
Dave said, ‘Get a move on, Billy, those sandwiches won’t make themselves.’ But I didn’t care because suddenly I didn’t want to eat anything not even melted chocolate and hot banana. I said, ‘I’ve changed my mind.’ And Dave said, ‘You OK, Billy?’ I said, ‘Yeah. I’ve just remembered I’ve got homework.’ And I went up to my room.
But I didn’t do homework. I counted the stars and thought about the speciality sandwich and how it wouldn’t taste the same. It would never taste the same again.
It would taste of poor.
Mum found the glow stars. Part of Ursa Minor fell on her head when she was picking my pants up off the floor. I said she shouldn’t have been in my room because it’s MY room, i.e. private. But she said if I picked up my own pants then she wouldn’t have had to go in in the first place, but anyway that wasn’t the point. The point was that she thought I had given the stars up and she asked if I thought I needed to see Dr Singh again. I said no and also please stop trespassing, and Mum said, ‘I give up’, which she says a lot at the moment, only she never does.
Anyway, that is when I made the sign. It’s in black felt-tip with a skull and crossbones on it and it says, KEEP OUT – TRESPASSERS WILL BE PERSECUTED. Only five minutes later Stan walked right in to borrow a Bionicle because he had left his at Arthur Malik’s. So I shouted ‘Mum,’ only she didn’t come because she was having another wee which is nine in the past two hours, I have counted. Dave came instead and he said it was pointless putting a sign at the top of the door because it was too high for Stan to read IF he could read words like ‘trespassers’ which he couldn’t, he can only do small words like ‘goblin’. Plus he said I did not mean persecuted I meant prosecuted. And Mum said it was pointless putting a sign ANYWHERE because me and Stan are going to be sharing a bedroom once the baby comes, and she isn’t coming upstairs every five minutes to act as judge and jury. Stan said, ‘No way, José,’ which he learned off Jake Palmer-Thomas who is second toughest in the infants. I said, ‘But why can’t Stan share with the baby?’ Mum said, ‘Are you mad?’ which she isn’t supposed to say, because Dr Singh said it can be hurtful. And I said, ‘No,’ and then no one said anything and it was very quiet until Mum said, ‘Sorry. I’ll talk to you later.’ But she didn’t talk to us later, she just went round Stacey’s and Dave said he would make us beans on toast for lunch with cheese only it wasn’t Heinz beans or Hovis bread or Cathedral City cheddar so I said no thanks and went round Big Lauren’s because she has Pot Noodle.
Only after Pot Noodle, which was curry flavour and has 353 calories, Lauren said she had some devastating news and that I should sit down, and did I want a cup of sugary tea? But I said I was already sitting down from eating the Pot Noodle and I still had half a glass of Coca-Cola, so no thanks. And then I thought she was going to say that her new hamster Lady was dead, or maybe even Alan. But she said it’s that she is going to Florida a week on Sunday to stay with her uncle Garth and aunt Sharon who have two children called Todd and Chip and a house with five bedrooms and a swimming pool and a parakeet. And she won’t be back until ten days after that so she will miss the audition for Britain’s Got Talent and also some school. So we will have to wait until next year to be famous, and why don’t we watch Titanic again instead. And I said OK because there was no point rehearsing on my own because Simon Cowell isn’t going to pick me if all I do is sing ‘P-P-P-Pokerface’ and spin around a bit.
Plus you would think you would get bored of Titanic but really you don’t. Even though you know the ship is going to hit the iceberg and start sinking. And even though you know Jack is going to drown because the piece of wood is too small for him and Rose, so he sacrifices himself (which Big Lauren says is romantic but I think is mental because if they had stayed more still they could both have fitted on). You are still hoping that this time it will be different, and that the ship will only flood a bit and Jack will get to America and find his fortune and be rich enough to marry Rose.
But it never is.
The worst bit’s at the very end though which is in modern times when the man on the boat is looking for Rose’s blue heart-shaped diamond necklace which is called the Heart of the Ocean. Only it turns out that Rose, who is 101 now which is ancient but not the oldest person in the w
orld who is Japanese and 114, has secretly had the diamond all along only instead of telling anyone she drops it into the sea. How mental is that? Big Lauren says she wishes her grandma had been rich and drowned on the Titanic instead of just having a heart attack in a shoe shop. Because if her nan had had a blue heart-shaped diamond necklace, then Lauren could wear it to the leavers’ disco next term and it would be better than Kelly Watson’s diamanté choker any day. But I said if I had a blue heart-shaped diamond necklace I would sell it and buy the house at 17 Mornington Road instead, because an ensuite is better than a necklace, and even Big Lauren agreed with that. Then she said maybe MY nan had a blue heart-shaped diamond necklace, and I could sell that. But Nan only has a locket with a picture of Grandpa Stokes in and a pasta bracelet that Stan made, and no one is going to buy that. But then I remembered that Granny Grimshaw, who is my real dad’s mum, is actually quite rich, which is why she doesn’t like Mum or Nan because they are commoner than her. And also why we don’t ever see her except when Dad comes back from London, which is hardly ever. But then I thought maybe I could go and see her and maybe she has a blue heart-shaped diamond necklace, or just a diamond necklace not even heart-shaped, and she will give it to me because I am her long-lost grandson like in Oliver. Because after Oliver has been at the undertaker’s and Fagin’s he goes to live with Mr Brownlow, who is his rich benefactor, and he never wants for anything ever again.
So that is what I am going to do. I am going to see Granny Grimshaw and she will ask me to move in with her and be her long-lost grandson and we can watch Man Versus Food together because she will have Sky TV and Heinz beans and Dairy Milk chocolate.
And I will be like Oliver. Because I will never want for anything ever again.