by Joanna Nadin
And Nan didn’t win at bingo this week so we didn’t go to Slice O’Heaven we went to Mr Patel’s to buy some fishfingers and also a Broadley Echo for Nan. This is so she can check to see who is dead and who is in court because she likes to keep an eye out for criminals which is where we saw about the robbery.
It was at Bright Sparks which is the welder’s on the ring road. Someone had taken the safe. Not even opened it just taken the whole thing with all the money inside. Nan said, ‘Nearly six thousands pounds gone. It’s the recession, that’s why all the crime is happening, I blame the prime minister.’ Only she blames the prime minister for everything, even the time she spilt a tin of rice pudding on the floor, because she said if she had a better pension she would be buying chocolate mousse not Ambrosia. Only it wasn’t the prime minister then and it wasn’t him now, because how would he know where to find the safe in a welder’s in Broadley?
And that’s when the thought began. A tiny black thought that began with, ‘But Kyle’s dad would know, because he works there’.
But I didn’t want the thought to carry on and get bigger so I tried to concentrate on something else, i.e. the fish I am eating is cod which can grow up to 1.8 metres long and live until it’s thirty. Once in Australia they cut open a cod and inside was a whole human head. But even though I was thinking this I could still hear the other thought beneath it, whispering, and I could also hear Brenda Gilhooly who was in the front room with Nan say, ‘I knew it because I saw a beetle in my tea leaves and I thought it was about Jac Naylor on Holby on Tuesday but it must have been about the robbery on Thursday instead. I should hire myself out to the police.’ And Nan said, ‘You should, Bren,’ and laughed. But I didn’t. I started to choke on the piece of cod and Nan had to slap me on the back and it flew out of my mouth and it hit the cat calendar which is pictures of cats in costumes and it was a tabby in a pink waistcoat and Nan said, ‘That’s better. You can breathe now.’
But she was wrong. I couldn’t breathe. Because the little thought had got bigger. So big it was bursting out of my chest so that no air could fit in. And the thought was this: ‘The robbery was the night before Good Friday. The night before Kyle’s mum and dad had the big row and she threw all his stuff out of the house. The night before I found the money.’
I couldn’t sleep because of the bad feeling. And I couldn’t count the money to make the bad feeling go away because Stan was in the bed next to me and he wakes up at anything even if a pigeon does a loud coo outside the window for instance.
I didn’t want to count it anyway. I wanted to forget it. To forget I had it all. But it wouldn’t let me. It kept talking to me. Whispering things in a bad man’s voice like Darth Vadar. It said, ‘Mr Perry stole us. And we were cursed so now he and Mrs Perry have broken up.’ And it said, ‘And now we will curse you, and your mum and Dave will break up.’ And worst of all it said, ‘And you will go to prison because you have the evidence. Not Mr Perry. You, Billy Grimshaw-Jones.’
And I told it to stop. I said,‘Shut up, shut up, shut up,’ in my head over and over. But it didn’t shut up. It said,‘You will be inside a cell and it won’t even be like a care home. It won’t be like Tracy Beaker. It won’t be painted yellow and purple and there won’t be bunk beds, it will be grey and cold and there will be gruel for breakfast and lunch and dinner and if you say, “Please sir can I have some more” you will be sent to sleep in a coffin.’ And every word got louder and louder until I thought Stan would hear it and say, ‘Why is there a voice like Darth Vadar coming from the mattress?’
And even though he didn’t, even though his eyes were tight shut and his mouth was wide open and his monkey with the one eye called Dora was in his left hand I knew someone else would be able to hear it. Or see it. Not in real life maybe. But in their tea.
Brenda Gilhooly would look at the bottom of the Charles and Diana mug and there it would be, in broken up PG Tips. And she would say,‘I know who it was. I know who has the money – it’s Billy Grimshaw-Jones. It’s all here in the tea leaves.’
And then I didn’t care if we were so poor we only ever shopped at Discount Deals. I didn’t care if we had to sell both cars and walk everywhere even to the ring road. I didn’t care if I had to wear daps to school and got my head flushed down the toilet every day. I just knew I had to get rid of the money.
Before it got rid of me.
It’s hard finding over £5,000. But it’s even harder trying to lose it. I wished then that hamsters did eat money because then I could have just fed it all to Lady and she would have eaten the evidence, but she wasn’t eating anything not even hamster food. Stan said she was sad because she was missing Big Lauren, but Mum said it was because Stan had fed her chocolate porridge and hamsters are not designed to eat chocolate porridge.
And I was sad for Lady but not that sad because it meant that Mum was busy trying to cheer Stan up by making him boiled egg and soldiers and I could get out of the house without anyone saying, ‘Where are you going with your Tardis rucksack, Billy? There’s no school today.’ And so I wouldn’t have to say, ‘I’m going to post £5193 through Kyle Perry’s letterbox because his dad stole it from the welder’s and then I stole it from him.’
But I couldn’t in the end. Post the money I mean. Because when I got to Kyle’s he was sitting on the wall kicking it with the back of his Nike boot so it was all scuffed which is mad because they cost £89.98 so that is £44.99 ruined but I didn’t say that I said, ‘All right, Kyle.’ And he said, ‘No.’
And I knew why. Because his dad was gone. Because of the money. And I knew that if I gave it back to them then only more bad would come of it because Nan was right and being rich is nothing but bad luck. And besides there would be £367 missing so I would get arrested anyway so I needed another plan.
And I thought all day. I thought I could open a bank account in someone else’s name, e.g. David Smith and put it in there and just leave it until the people at the bank start thinking this is odd why doesn’t David Smith ever come to collect his money and they tell the police and the police will realise it’s the stolen money and try to arrest David Smith only he doesn’t exist. But I checked on Google and I can’t open an account without my mum and at least two pieces of identification. And I don’t have any identification that says David Smith, I only have my passport from the time we went to Spain when I was seven, and that says Billy Grimshaw. Anyway, Mum doesn’t want to go out because she’s not feeling right.
Then I thought maybe I could give all the money to a charity, e.g. the dog’s home and they could use it to say buy some new leads or a kennel. But then I remembered that the slot in the dog collection box outside Mr Patel’s is only big enough for coins and the one inside the actual dog’s home where you can put notes is right in front of the desk. Plus Mr Hirst is sometimes at the desk and he lives next door to Donna Rhymes who is Big Lauren’s mum’s best friend and Donna would be bound to tell her. Then she would tell Big Lauren and it would be all over school, which would mean Jake Palmer-Thomas would know and his dad is a policeman.
Then I thought maybe I could bury the money because it’s not coins it’s paper, so no one not even Alan would find it with his metal detector. So I thought of all the places I could bury it like in Nan’s garden. Or in the park. Or on the piece of mud at the back of Gaskell’s. But then I thought that even if I buried it in say Bristol Brenda Gilhooly would still find it, i.e. she would see it in her tea leaves.
And I would still hear it talking to me. Whispering the curse. Saying my name.
And I knew then I had to take it far away. So far no one would find it, or me. And then I thought about Titanic. But not about Jack this time, who goes to America to find his fortune. But about Rose who goes to lose hers. Because when she gets there she could say she was Rose DeWitt Bukater and engaged to Caledon Hockley and she would be rich for ever. But she doesn’t. She lies and says she is Rose Dawson. And even though it means she will be poor, she doesn’t care. Because she is free.
And then I thought about Big Lauren in Florida in the house with five bedrooms and a swimming pool and a parakeet. And I thought that Garth and Sharon and Todd and Chip don’t actually need five bedrooms all the time so I could live in one of them for a bit. And I knew exactly how to get there because Big Lauren had given me the address for Lady to write to her.
And I knew then that I had to go to America. Only not by boat like Rose, because that would take seven days. But by aeroplane, like Big Lauren.
Because it’s only seven hours from Bristol Airport.
Which is right next to Cabot Hotel.
Which is where the Britain’s Got Talent audition is tomorrow.
I told Dave I had changed my mind. He was still in bed because it was Saturday and me and Stan are supposed to watch cartoons until at least nine o’clock so Mum and Dave can have a lie-in. Big Lauren says it’s so they can have ‘me’ time but I said Mum would be mental to want ‘me’ time with Dave first thing in the morning because his breath smells and also Rastamouse is on. She wasn’t having ‘me’ time this morning anyway she was still asleep and Dave was reading a magazine about nurses even though he is one so he should know all about them. I said,‘You know you said you would drive me to the audition if I changed my mind? Well I have. You don’t have to stay because Casey Webster is there and he is swallowing a live goldfish only not really. His mum will be able to vouch for me because you have to have an adult to vouch for you at all times. Only you have to get up right now because it starts at ten o’clock and there might be queues.’
I had thought of everything, you see.
I had thought I needed to pack my Longleat T-shirt in case the weather is hotter in America, and Oliver Twist so I can do some homework, and my glow stars even though I don’t think they’ll let me stick them on the ceiling in the plane but not my shampoo because that isn’t allowed in case I am a terrorist who is going to throw it at the pilot for instance.
I had thought I don’t need to cry when I say goodbye because once I have lost the fortune I can come back again and I will be the prodigal son like in the Bible. Everyone will be so pleased I am back they will not wonder if it was me who had the robbery money at all. But I am glad Mum was still asleep because if she had said, ‘Good luck, Billy and remember it’s not about winning and you’ll always be my champion,’ which is what she did before sports day and the swimming gala and football the time we lost seven-nil to St Julian’s, then some tears would have definitely come out. Stan didn’t say goodbye at all though because he was too busy being cross that he wasn’t allowed to the audition because of the pirate party. He wanted it to be a pop-star party so he could go as Lady Gaga so Dave said maybe he could go as Lady Gaga in a pirate outfit because it’s the sort of mad thing she might wear and he cheered up a bit then.
And I had thought I had better be quiet all the way in the car to the hotel in case I blurt something out but it is fine because Dave will think it is just because I am nervous about the audition and he did he just sang to a song on the radio about wearing the same jeans for four days in a row which Mum would never let him do in real life because he is always getting stuff on them.
And I had thought I needed to say, ‘I just need to go to the loo, I always need to go to the loo when I am nervous’ to Casey Webster’s mum, just when Casey is about to go in so that they can’t come with me. That’s when I can make a run for it to the door and then there is a free shuttle bus to the airport every fifteen minutes. And it worked because Mrs Webster said, ‘Well OK, Billy, but don’t be long or you’ll miss your place in the queue and then it will be the back of the line for you, and then God knows how long you’ll be here – there are at least twenty tap-dancers, and a man who can lick his own nose. And I’ve got to get back to take a casserole round to Mrs Higginson by two.’ And I said, ‘It’s fine because look I can see Karen Connolly’s mum and why don’t I wait with her now instead? You have been very kind and I hope Casey gets through.’ And she said, ‘Fat chance. I thought you were bursting for a wee, Billy, hadn’t you better go because you don’t want to go in with wet trousers it’ll show up something rotten on that polyester.’
And so I did go. But not to the loo to the bus. The driver said, ‘You going to be a star then? Like that Justin Bieber?’ I said,‘No, I didn’t get through. But it doesn’t matter. Money isn’t everything you know and it can’t buy you happiness.’ And he said,‘No, but it’ll buy you a big enough car to drive right up to it.’ Which I didn’t understand but it didn’t matter because we were there at the airport.
But what I hadn’t thought of was who would be at the airport when I got there.
What I hadn’t thought of was Stacey.
I forgot she had a new job. Because when I got to the front of the queue for Flyby there she was in her too-red lipstick and too-orange face saying, ‘Billy Grimshaw-Jones what the flamin’ heck are you doing here? Does your mum know you’re in Bristol? How is she anyway? Jesus, three kids, she must be mental. That dog is enough for me and he pooed on the carpet again last night, can you believe it?’ And I could because he is always doing it but I didn’t say so I said, ‘Yes she does and I am going to America to stay with Big Lauren’s aunt Sharon and uncle Garth. They have five bedrooms and a swimming pool and it’s all planned, so can I have a ticket to Miami please?’ And Stacey said,‘Are you serious?’ And I said, ‘Yes.’ And she said, ‘Well, you can’t fly direct, you have to go via New York, and that flight’s not until two o’clock and it’s all booked up. I mean, there might be a cancellation so you could always wait. Why don’t you do that, eh, Billy? Why don’t you leave your passport with me right here where it’s safe, you go and have a nice cup of tea, and come back in an hour and I’ll see what I can do.’
And the thing is I believed her. Because when she said she could get me a Doctor Who water bottle for school off her friend Horse-Face John that was true. And when she said she used to be West of England rhythm gymnastics champion before she discovered boys and doughnuts that was true. And so I believed she was going to do what she said and find me a cancelled ticket and so I did go and I had a Coca-Cola because I didn’t fancy a cup of tea not even a nice one.
And that’s when I heard it again. I heard the money. It said, ‘Running away won’t help, Billy. It won’t change anything. Because the police will still look for you.’ But I thought as hard as I could back at it. I thought, ‘As soon as I am on the plane I am free because the air belongs to nobody so nobody will be able to arrest me.’ So the money said, ‘But you’ll miss home, Billy. You’ll be all alone with no one.’
And even though I tried to think back, ‘No I won’t,’ it didn’t work. Because the money was right. I would miss Mum and her tummy stuck out with the baby-hand under the skin and wanting Bounty bars even at breakfast. And I would miss Dave saying, ‘Button time, Billy,’ every time Hutch Hathaway says, ‘It’s madness’. And I would miss Stan even though he has dropped Bionicles all over my room and even though he likes women’s magazines and wants to be Lady Gaga. And I would miss the house even, like Mum said that time. I would miss the airing cupboard where we grew orange pips and where I used to hide in Hide and Seek with my dad. I would miss the hot tap in the bathroom that comes on too hard and always splashes you and it’s always a shock no matter how many times it happens. And most of all I would miss the kitchen with the magnet on the fridge shaped like a melon and the treat cupboard and everyone sat at the table arguing about whether or not you could make a glider out of concrete.
And I could feel a dark cold seed inside me start to grow like an orange pip only it wasn’t taking three weeks it was taking three seconds. Its leaves crushed against my chest so that each breath was hard, and stalks snaked inside my head so the tears started to fall out and roll down my cheeks, because there was no room inside any more. And I thought. I thought hard for something warm that would shrink the dark seed plant and dry the tears and I thought that Mum had said something else and that was that, ‘Life is like that so
metimes. You don’t get happy endings, you just have to make the best of it.’ And I thought that is what I was doing, i.e. making the best of it. That was all I had tried to do all the time with the competitions and even with Mr Perry’s money. I was just trying to make the best of it all. And the only way to do that now was to go to America so that Stan could stay at home and Mum and Dave wouldn’t break up and I wouldn’t be arrested.
But Stacey didn’t know that. Stacey thought I was being the worst I could be.
That’s why she lied.
I didn’t see him at first, I felt him. Standing behind the red plastic seats. But I knew it was him because he smelt of Pears soap and coffee and when he slipped into the chair next to mine he said, ‘So you’ve done it again, then, Billy.’ And he didn’t shout or hit me like Mr Perry would have done. He sucked up the last bit of the Coca-Cola and until it made a slurping noise which Mum never ever lets us do because it’s rude. And I wanted to smile but I couldn’t because smiles need warm and all I had was cold and darkness and the money whispering in the Darth Vadar voice saying, ‘Run, Billy, run. You have to get out of here, now. It doesn’t matter where, just do it. Just run.’ But I knew I couldn’t. Because my legs were shaking and my hands too. And I knew what would stop them and the cold. I knew he was strong and warm because he had a heart that was as twice as big as normal men according to Mum, and I knew he was Luke Skywalker and he would win but he was waiting, just waiting like Luke Skywalker, waiting for me to say one word, and I did, I said it.