by Sam Westland
"Yes - up until Blossom switched over to pointing out all of Rick's little quirks when they were having sex," Judy clarified. "Apparently that's still a much more sore subject with Janice."
I rubbed my forehead. I was definitely drunk, this was supposed to be a party in my honor, and yet I would have remained much happier and relaxed if I had simply remained at home and waited for Alex to get back from his night out. I glanced down at the clock on my phone and saw that it was barely past midnight. Still, I felt drained to the bone. Even from all the way across town, I could feel my bed calling to me, luring me back to its wonderful comforting softness. I turned to Claire, wanting to inform her of my desire at this moment, but the words fell out of my mouth as my jaw dropped open.
*
A loud, undulating yell was carrying across the bar. Riding just behind the wave of noise was a white streak, shooting towards our table. As this streak passed by tables, her flailing arms knocked drinks left and right off onto the ground, and she left a wake of broken glass and stunned, gaping bar patrons behind her.
Susan skidded to a stop in front of our table, and we all stared at her, shocked into silence. She wore a pair of furry, light brown boots, a wide grin, and a drunken expression that looked about thirty seconds away from puking. Aside from that, there wasn't a stitch on her body. "See? I'm totally the prettiest!" she slurred down at us, falling towards our table and putting out both arms to catch herself heavily before she faceplanted among the drinks.
My eyes flicked across to my mother. Her jaw was working up and down as redness filled her face, but for the moment, she couldn't even manage to find the words to properly humiliate her daughter. Beside me, I heard the quiet clicking sound of Claire's camera phone.
"See, this is why I totally had to prove that Alex was a cheater," Susan went on, wheeling around abruptly to stare at Claire, Judy, and me in our seat. Behind her, I could see a couple more enterprising men had moved around and had their phones out as well, snapping semi-candid photos of my sister's bare ass. "Because unless he really loved you, he wouldn't be able to resist this, and then he would totally be a cheater."
To emphasize her level of attractiveness, she ran her hands up and down her sides. Unfortunately, this took both of her hands, and left zero hands for her to use as support. With a rattle of glassware, she fell forward, landing face first on our table amid our drinks with a smack. Blossom's daiquiri toppled over from the impact, spilling chunks of pineapple across my sister's back and splashing her with fruity pink.
One of the bartenders had come running out from behind the bar as soon as he had seen the streaking girl in his bar, and he stopped in front of our table, glaring down at us. "Is she with you?" he demanded.
None of us knew what to say - except Blossom. "She's the sister of the bride!" she chirped happily. "That looks like so much fun! I want to do that!"
The bartender glared down at us, struggling to decide what directions to give us. "Look, just get her out of here, all right?" he finally got out, reaching up and rubbing one hand across his face. "Otherwise, I'll call the police and get her arrested for public indecency and tossed into jail for the night."
"You love it," my sister said into the table, her words rather indistinct, and she waggled her ass at the bartender.
Even through his hand, I saw the man's eyes briefly dart down to my sister's exposed rump before he pulled them back up through sheer will. "You've got five minutes," he said to us, turning away and heading back to behind the safety of the bar. He made a couple shooing motions towards the other male patrons, who merely retreated a step or two before once again focusing their gazes on my sister.
Claire nudged me. "We could leave her here to get arrested," she suggested. "That would be a pretty fitting end to the night."
The idea had appealed to me for a moment as well, but then my scumbag brain had to go and think about what would happen later - we'd have to bail her out of jail, explain to the cops what had happened, and it would add even more stress to my plate. "No, let's just get her out of here," I reluctantly said instead. Judy had scooted out of the booth, and I followed suit, grabbing one of my sister's arms in an attempt to drag her upright. Susan's body was limp, and my tugging merely flopped her down onto the bench.
Snapping a last couple of pictures, Claire crawled over my sister and headed to the bathroom to retrieve her clothes, while Judy and Blossom managed to prop her up on their shoulders and half-walk, half-drag her towards the bathroom. I watched, considered following them to help, but decided that I had already been through enough tonight, choosing to slump down into the booth instead. I ignored the stickiness from Blossom's spilled drink.
Across from me, my mother finally found her voice. "Danielle," she said, reaching across for my hands. I looked at her, confused, as she struggled for the words to say.
"Listen," my mother said. "I just wanted to, well, say that I'm sorry things aren't working out as well as they could. And if I've done anything to ruin your wedding, I'm sorry. I just have a lot to think about." She squeezed my hand in her own.
Even though I had lost count of how many drinks my mother had tossed back by this point, I was still touched by her words. "Thanks, Mom," I replied, squeezing back. "And don't worry, you haven't ruined anything yet. The wedding's still on - Alex didn't cheat on me with my sister, that was a different guy in his wedding party. It's all going to work out all right."
My mother nodded, looking as though she wanted to add more, but Judy, Blossom, and Claire had returned. My sister was still draped over their shoulders, but she was now roughly dressed. Her pants were on backwards, and her shirt was wrinkled and uneven, and the straps of her bra were poking out, but she was at least decently covered. "Time to go," Judy announced, trying to adjust her hold on Susan without the semi-comatose woman falling to the floor.
As we left the bar, my mother hurrying to the front to hail a cab, Claire hung back and held up her phone. She had managed to capture some especially embarrassing shots of Susan, I saw. Despite the nudity, Susan was making ridiculous faces in most of the pictures, and looked sad and wasted instead of sexy. "So, now we've got some blackmail material," Claire told me in an undertone. "Should we wait to pull them out until she messes up again, or should we just launch a preemptive strike and send them to every guy in the wedding right now?"
I briefly smiled at the thought of every guy in the wedding trying to hit on my sister after seeing her naked pictures pop up on their cell phones, but, just like letting her get arrested, I knew that it was a fantasy that would never work out as cleanly in real life. "Just hold on to them for now," I decided, the regret clear on my face. "We may need them, but she's already made a pretty big fool of herself. We don't need to help with that."
"Always the good older sister," Claire commented in a slightly mocking tone, but she tucked her phone away. The two of us headed out to get everyone home and wrap up this disaster of a bachelorette party.
The Rehearsal, Part I
*
After the disaster of the bachelor and bachelorette parties, I managed to keep things under control for the next few days. Everyone was laying low, trying to recover from the hangovers and from the emotional trauma, and no one was up to cause much trouble. But now, it was the day before the wedding, the day of my rehearsal dinner, and the day that I was dreading most of all.
For the first time, all of my family members would be in the same place, forced to co-habitate for the span of several hours. I could only imagine the carnage, both physical and emotional, that could occur in that span of time. And to make matters even worse, this would also be the first time that Alex's family, his poor, innocent family, would be exposed to all of mine. Sure, his parents had met me, and I now knew that my sister had gotten to know Danny very well thanks to their mutual drunken antics at the bachelor party. But Alex's parents had not before been privy to the icy fury that my mother would surely be wearing like a shawl, forced to draw breath in the same room as "that good-for-n
othing worthless scumbag." Or, in other words, my father.
I confessed this to Alex as we laid in bed the night before, having turned off the lights extra early so that we would be able to get up properly rested and start the long day. "I'm just so certain that things are going to go wrong, somehow," I worried, the weight of his arm wrapped around his shoulders failing to comfort me tonight.
"Don't worry," Alex repeated into my ear, just as he had told me so many times before. "Listen, my parents are stronger than you think. They won't be totally put off by your family's, um, situation." There was a slight flatness to his words, however, which I only just barely picked up on. Had that always been there?
I turned, staring into his eyes with a blank expression of disbelief on my face. "Fine, they might be a bit shaken," he broke down a minute later. "But I've told them a bit of background, and they'll be able to handle it all without freaking out."
I kept up the disbelieving look. Just as I knew that he would, Alex couldn't hold out, and caved again. "They will keep their freak-out under control, and won't let it show," he hedged. "Look, they won't ruin the ceremony. Is that good enough for you?"
I let out the breath that I didn't know I had been holding. "I don't think they'll ruin the ceremony," I sighed. "There's a very good chance that the ceremony will be ruined, but I can pretty much guarantee that it will be my family at fault, somehow. And I've pretty much accepted that. I'm just scared of what your family will think of me when all the dust has settled."
Alex tightened his arm, pulling me in closer against him, and planted a kiss on my forehead while I pretended to struggle. Normally, the loud smacking noises that he made in my ear to annoy me would put me at ease, make me laugh. Tonight, however, they didn't seem to have their usual calming effect. "My family loves you. And more importantly, I love you. And that's all that really matters."
With that, my fiance turned over and pulled his pillow up tighter to his head. Scarcely five minutes later, his breathing had settled into a deep, slow rhythm, and I could hear the faint sounds of him snoring ever so slightly as he exhaled. I sighed, closing my eyes and trying to will myself to do the same. But I knew that sleep would not be soon in coming.
Instead, lying awake in bed and staring up into the darkness, I tried to run through all of the plans, everything that would come together less than twenty-four hours from now. The caterer would be there, making sure that all of his counts for meals were correct. All the placards would be out on the tables, hopefully keeping my various family members separate enough to prevent any old feuds from flaring up - or at least keeping them far enough apart to prevent them from using the cutlery as improvised weapons. Both of my parents had requested toasts, and even though it went against every fiber of my being, I had grudgingly given them permission. Despite their animosity, this was their eldest daughter's wedding, after all, and I had settled with extracting a promise from each of them that they would keep their toasts positive and about me, and that they wouldn't mention each other. I only hoped that this would be good enough.
Fortunately, my day started out pleasantly enough - the next morning, I struggled out of bed, leaving my still-snoring fiance behind, and started a fresh pot of coffee brewing. Our fridge was freshly stocked, so I set about making breakfast. By the time that Alex was up, pulled out of bed by the delicious smells wafting from the kitchen, I had a plate of eggs already half eaten and was feeling better about the day. A few more drinks of the just-brewed coffee, and I felt ready to leap up from my chair, head out, and beat this rehearsal into submission.
Sadly, the peacefulness of breakfast couldn't last, and the real day began. Alex and I were soon pulling up to Sacred Father Church, and I was relieved to see that there were several cars already parked in the lot. Sally had requested that we all arrive by 10 in the morning, and I was glad that these commands were being obeyed.
We parked and headed into the church, and were immediately greeted by Sally, who had found a headset somewhere. She looked quite ridiculous with it on, poking up through her blonde hair like some sort of black plastic antennae, but the woman wearing it was the picture of efficiency.
"Good, glad you made it," she greeted us, immediately getting behind us and propelling us both up towards the front altar. "If you could go and greet your groomsmen and bridesmaids, we can be ready when the last few people arrive."
I was impressed; I hadn't believed that Sally could be so authoritative. We obligingly made our way up the aisle, climbing the couple of stairs up to the altar.
Father Hemsley was already milling about at the front of the church, holding a well-used Bible with many papers sticking out in all directions. He gave us a nod as we approached. "Plenty of marital forgiveness," he assured us, tapping the Bible meaningfully with one finger.
"Great, great," I told him, not really listening. My eyes roamed over my bridesmaids, or at least the ones that were in attendance. Claire stood at attention, and my mother and Judy both sat on a bench off to one side. My mother wore her usual expression, looking as though she had just swallowed a slice of lemon, but Judy was as cheerful as ever, ignoring the grimace on her companion's face as she nattered on. Just as I had suspected, there was a conspicuous hole in the party, the exact size and shape of my sister. I tried to make a bet with myself over whether she would arrive late, or not at all, and ended up calling it a coin flip.
On the male side, Danny for once wasn't undressing me with his eyes - this honor was currently instead reserved for Claire. He made several attempts to strike up a conversation, but Claire simply ignored his words, pretending as though she couldn't hear a thing, like he was just an irritating buzz in her ear. Only now was it finally starting to sink into Danny's brain that his attempts were having no effect.
Bryan had turned up as well, although he was currently slouched on a chair off to one side, ignoring and being ignored by most of the rest of the wedding party. He was gazing off into the distance, looking lost in thought. I knew better than to assume any thought was actually present, however. His look was almost mirrored by Blossom, also present and attached to my father's arm as they stood by uncomfortably and waited for things to begin.
On the groom's side, I could see Alex and Danny's parents, standing rather uncomfortably off to one side. I hadn't spoken with them much about this wedding, and that seemed to be perfectly acceptable to them. Alex came from two individuals who were both shy and retiring, and even when they visited us, they spent most of their time off on their own. I was totally okay with this. Sometimes, I wished that my own family was more willing to surrender the spotlight.
A couple of other men that I only vaguely recognized as Alex's friends were standing off to one side, performing the time-honored male tradition of fiddling with their smartphones. I considered heading over to greet them, but decided against it. I had enough troubles with my bridesmaids; Alex would have to be in charge of keeping his groomsmen in line. I suspected that he had lucked out with the far easier task.
Spotting that the target of his little brother's affections wasn't having any of it, Alex moved forward and led Danny away from Claire. He looped one hand over his brother's shoulders as he directed the excitable young man off to the far side of the dais. I moved towards my bridesmaids, just in time to catch the tail end of Judy's rather one-sided conversation with my mother.
"No, it's great!" she was saying, excitement and enthusiasm gushing out of her. "All you have to do is smile, and the men are lining up to buy you drinks! Sure, sometimes they're a little older, or they don't have much hair, but they'll pay for everything as long as you make sure to lean forward and don't forget your push-up bra!"
My mother hopped up as soon as I arrived, rushing forward to hug me in a totally uncharacteristic display of love and emotion. That conversation must have been especially horrible for her to want to escape it this badly. "Danielle, dear, so good to see you," she greeted me. "Let's get this thing started so that we can all finish up and leave."
"Mom,
where's Suzy?" I asked once we separated. "Isn't she staying in the same hotel as you?"
"Don't worry, we called her this morning to make sure she was awake," my mother replied in a tone that was probably intended to be comforting. "She said that she remembered, and she would be here soon."
Once again, I languished in my sister's refusal to properly quantify her arrival time. "Well, we can get started without her, and just fit her in when she arrives," I decided. All that mattered was Alex, I reminded myself. The promptness of every bridesmaid was nothing in comparison to that.
Sally had come up the aisle, and was now standing in the small open space in front of the altar. "Okay, layouts!" she announced, clapping her hands together. "Bride, you're coming to the back of the church with me. Groom, groomsmen, bridesmaids, take your places! Let's get this on the first run through!"
Obliging the requests of this suddenly demanding short little woman, I made my way down from the plinth, while Claire shooed the other two women into standing positions on the left-hand side of the stage. Alex, on the other side, snapped his fingers a couple of times at his friends leaning against the wall until they looked up from their phones and also meandered over to stand in a line on the right.
Sally, meanwhile, had latched onto my arm as soon as I was in range, and was tugging me back up the aisle. "Alex, no!" I cried out in a piteous wail, dramatically extending my arm back towards the front of the church. Sally didn't let up in the tugging, but Alex glanced back, smiled, and stretched out an arm towards me as well. My performance got a giggle out of Blossom. I ignored the eye roll coming from my mother's end of the line of bridesmaids.