The Green Red Green

by Red Green

  Copyright © 2012 Steve Smith

  All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication, reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system without the prior written consent of the publisher—or in the case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, license from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency—is an infringement of the copyright law.

  Doubleday Canada and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House of Canada Limited

  Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

  Smith, Steve, 1945-

  The green Red Green : made almost entirely from recycled material / Red Green.

  eISBN: 978-0-385-67859-9

  I. Title.

  PS8587.M589A6 2012 C818′.5402 C2012-902429-5

  Cover design: Leah Springate

  Cover image: Roy Timm

  Published in Canada by Doubleday Canada,

  a division of Random House of Canada Limited

  Visit Random House of Canada Limited’s website:

  www.randomhouse.ca

  v3.1

  DEDICATION

  I’d like to dedicate this book to a lot of people, first and foremost, the Lodge members—the ones who stepped up early in support of the whole Red Green project and then sustained that support through the ridicule of friends and family. These people are special, and often in a good way. These are fearless people. They aren’t the kind to wait to see what others are going to do, in life or the buffet line. When they see something they sort of like, or at least are curious about, they get involved. It’s much easier to jump on a bandwagon once it’s rolling than to climb up there while it’s parked over a septic bed in the hopes of some movement. So I give special thanks to the members of Possum Lodge who, like the first people to take their bathing suits off in the hot tub, add a feeling of excitement, risk and urgency to life.

  Next I would like to thank the people who bought the original versions of each of the three books that went into this one. Without them this book would not have happened. It’s an attempt to build on success. Nobody builds on failure other than politicians and Zsa Zsa Gabor. So thanks to all of you out there who bought this crap when it was fresh.

  But the largest portion of my gratitude goes to all of the people out there who did not buy any of these books. According to the sales reports, there are millions of you. That’s what created the impetus for this book. The potential of being able to reach new customers with not only this book, but also the subtle message that if they refuse to buy it, it will not go away but will just keep coming back in different forms until they eventually surrender. We could have called it Dracula’s Tome. But we didn’t. So to all of you potential customers out there, please buy this book now and end the horror.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Foreword

  Introduction

  Contents of Table

  First Page

  Other Books by This Author

  FOREWORD

  (Count ’em)

  Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati

  FORWARD

  Signified by the letter D; found between Reverse, Neutral, and Low; and a better life choice than any of the alternatives, with the exception of Park.

  INTRODUCTION

  We wanted to come out with a new book but were unable to find a formula that accommodated the time frame set by the publisher, given the fundamental inertness of the author. So instead, we are coming out with this old book in a new form. Every man knows it’s easier to support your wife’s cosmetic surgery than it is to find someone more attractive.

  In truth, this is actually a combination of three of our old books with the odd new word or punctuation mark thrown in, just to keep you on your toes, and also to qualify us for government subsidies. You’ll be pleased to know that we’ve done a lot of editing to get rid of the bad, boring stuff, so as you’re reading it, I hope you’ll appreciate that it’s way better than it could have been.

  Of course, whenever you remove inadequacies, you run the risk of making the good stuff look worse without the crap there to lower the average. But that’s all just part of the precarious nature of being in the publishing business—which doesn’t concern me, as I was given a healthy advance.

  In any case, our intent was to go back to the abandoned mines of our old books and see if we could find enough nuggets to fill a new book which would allow our actions and attitudes to compromise yet another generation. I think we’ve succeeded, but only time will tell.

  We hope you enjoy this book, but then again, we’re also hoping for world peace.

  Red Green

  CONTENTS OF TABLE

  The following were all in the drawers of the table I sat at when I wrote this book.

  Staplers 1

  Dried-Up Magic Markers 2

  Fish Hooks 4

  Bits of Crayon 6

  Unsharpened Pencils 9

  Sharpened Pencils 0

  Chewed Gum 2

  Foil Part of Chewing Gum Wrappers That I’m Saving for Some Reason 5

  Paper Clips 3

  Paper Clips That Have Been Bent or Broken or Twisted into Little Animal Shapes by People Who Were Bored 87

  Elastic Bands (Various) 9.5

  Message to Call Someone Named Larry 1

  Empty Staple Box 1

  Spilled Staples 28,173

  Lumps of Dust 6

  Toenail Clippers 1

  Toenails 11

  Old, Useless Magnet 1

  Wooden Ruler with Metal Strip Along Edge Pulled Out 2

  Dried Raisins or Mouse Droppings 2

  A Very Old Cornflake (I Hope) 1

  THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING HANDY

  I have this theory that the human brain is a muscle rather than an organ. And as a muscle, it gets stronger with use and, conversely, atrophies through idleness. People who don’t do any thinking in their lives as a way of keeping their brain fresh for old age are seriously misinformed. You’re much better off using your brain as often as possible. Even once or twice a day if you can manage it.

  And of course, choosing what to use your brain on is very important. You don’t want to waste your time on things that are irrelevant or boring or beyond your comprehension. For most of us, abstract mathematics or nuclear physics is a complete waste of time. I recommend that you become a handyman. The mental agility required first to diagnose why the refrigerator isn’t working and then to acquire the correct part, remove the old one without breaking everything around it, and install the new one is fantastic exercise. And that’s not to mention what pinching your thumb in the door hinge does for your language skills. Then there’s the whole creative challenge of explaining to your wife that the refrigerator couldn’t be fixed so you threw it out but thank goodness you didn’t waste money by bringing in a professional repairman.

  These are the kinds of skills that will keep your mind agile well into old age. Plus you’ll have a lot more free time because your wife will refrain from telling you when something needs fixing.

  WHY DUCT TAPE

  I want to try to help all you ladies understand the things we men do. For example, the way we fix things with duct tape. Like, say, the mirror that fell off the car.

  Now, I know a lot of you would take the car into a garage and have it fixed properly and looking good an hour and sixty bucks later. Whereas your handyman does it in ten minutes with about seven cents’ worth of duct tape and it is some kind of ugly. But let’s go behind the actions and try to examine the reasoning.

  First of all, what is the value of the vehicle? Are we talking about a 1981 Cordoba wi
th four hundred thousand miles and a real bad cough? Does it make sense to spend sixty bucks on a car that you can replace for fifty? And why take an hour to fix it if it can be done in ten minutes? After putting four hundred thousand miles on this unit, you really don’t owe it any more of your time. And why repair the mirror back to original quality? It just makes the rest of the vehicle look bad.

  There’s no sense in having the repair job last longer than the equipment. So instead of criticizing your man for slapping the mirror back on with duct tape, why don’t you compliment him on his brain power? After all, he now has fifty minutes to kill and an extra sixty bucks in his pocket.

  SMELL OF SUCCESS

  As we men get older, it gets more and more difficult to attract women. We lose our physique and our hair. We wear glasses and hearing aids. And we forget what we were saying in mid-sentence. It eventually gets so bad, our only hope of attracting a member of the opposite sex is to make sure we smell good and then sit near a woman with a big nose.

  HOW TO GET AND KEEP THAT ALL-IMPORTANT FIRST JOB

  Assert yourself. Show confidence. Nobody wants to hire a wuss. Arrive late for the interview and try to look a little rough. Don’t give the false impression that you’ll be getting up early to groom yourself before coming to work. Once you’re in the boss’s office, show you’re interested in the job by asking important questions. How much does it pay? When can you take holidays? Does anybody check on you when you phone in sick? Are there any better jobs available at other companies? How often can you get a raise? How much severance will you get when you’re fired? How many relatives and friends are covered by the medical plan? Which office supplies is it okay to steal? What’s in it for me?

  If by some chance you are not hired for the job, start legal action. So far, incompetents are still a minority in this country and are therefore protected by the Canadian Human Rights Act. Another thing you have going for you is that you have no idea how to do the job and thereby qualify for a government-assisted training plan. If you are competent, knowledgeable, and experienced, you’re out of luck.

  Once you’ve got the job, try to fit in and get along with your new co-workers. Remember, everybody enjoys it when you make a joke about the size of their belly. Always bear in mind that you’re the new person, so don’t tell everybody how to do their jobs until the second day. But don’t be too laid back either. Get your co-workers’ respect by forming a union. If they already have a union, form another one—one with a militia. Sit at the end of the table in the cafeteria, open your lunch box, and pull out a really expensive sandwich, like roast beef or shrimp or anything on a kaiser. Be sociable. Ask your co-workers what they are eating. Ask to try some.

  Show an interest in your co-workers. Question them about what they do, what it pays, and how a person would go about getting their job—theoretically, of course.

  Be a team player: get on the winning team and let them carry you.

  The hardest trick is to believe in yourself. You’re no better and no worse than the people you’re working with, and there’s no reason for them to treat you any differently than they treat each other. Keep that in mind in everything you say and do and they’ll never know this is your first job. Even though you’re in your mid-forties.

  THE GREAT BLOOD SHORTAGE

  It seems to me that there’s an inherent design flaw in the structure of the human body. If you imagine that every muscle and organ is a tiny engine and the fuel is blood, then you can see that there is really not enough fuel to have all the engines running at the same time. That’s why it’s so difficult to watch television and think simultaneously. But with a book, you can stop reading and put it down for a minute and think about exactly why Jack and Jill went up that hill.

  Because of this insufficient blood supply, the human brain must prioritize the muscles and organs to decide which ones should get the blood at any particular moment, why they need it, and what they plan to do with it once they have it. If you had special glasses that detected hemoglobin or whatever, you would be able to look at a man and see where the blood is going and have a pretty good idea of his intentions. You’d also be able to see why it’s difficult for him to think about anything else. He doesn’t have enough fuel for that. If he had more blood, he’d be able to see all the options and make an informed choice. Mind you, that might make him less of a man.

  PARTY POLITICS

  All right, you were at a party last night with your wife or your girlfriend or your female companion. And today you’re being informed that you didn’t have as good a time as you recall. This is because your partner did not appreciate you ignoring her totally, or flirting with other women, or doing that party trick where you play “God Save the Queen” by making loud, wet noises with parts of your body. It’s surprising how some people fail to enjoy live entertainment, but the point is that you’re now in trouble and you need some way to patch up the situation.

  Whenever you can, blame the booze. Just tell her that you were over-served and weren’t acting like yourself. If you don’t drink, that’s unfortunate because it forces you to lie. You’ll have to blame your behaviour on being really upset about, say, the death of a close friend. But just remember that when she asks you who died, you’re going to be expected to come up with a name. Saying “old what’s his name” won’t cut it. What I do is name a friend I don’t mind never seeing again.

  Or you could take the strong route and just tell her that’s the way you are at parties and that’ll be the end of that. And the end of going to another party with her. Or anywhere with her. Or anywhere with anybody.

  DO IT BECAUSE YOU DON’T NEED TO

  Life is like a car—there’s only one driver’s seat. And you want to be in that driver’s seat as often as possible. Most of us get a shot at the driver’s seat when we get older, after we’ve retired and have done all our major spending and set up enough of a pension to support ourselves. That’s the ideal time to get a job.

  It can be any job, but it’s better if you deal with the public, like say in a store or a post office or something. Because the beauty of this job is that you don’t need it. You can conduct yourself in any way you feel is appropriate. Be rude to people. Ignore them. See how mad you can make them. Use this job as your way of getting back at all the stupid clerks and officials you’ve had to put up with your whole life. You’ll get rid of all your frustrations (actually, you’re just passing them on). You’ll get up anxious to go to work, and you’ll come home refreshed and energized. Being cantankerous will extend your life.

  Sure, you’ll eventually be fired, but they’ll have to pay you severance, and then you can go get a job you need even less.

  HOW TO BE A GOOD PASSENGER (BECAUSE YOUR LIFE MATTERS)

  If you’re a passenger in a moving car, with any luck somebody is driving. Drivers have a lot of responsibility. They shouldn’t be penalized for volunteering to stay sober at the party. They shouldn’t have to listen to you pointing out oncoming vehicles or red lights, or overdoing it on the random screams. Don’t bug the driver. He already has his hands full—of beer nuts. So here are a few tips that can save your life, especially if you don’t have an accident.

  Sit Comfortably

  When you’re hunched forward, frantically scanning the approaching horizon with your fingernails dug deep into the armrest, it implies that you are not totally convinced of the driver’s competence. But you have to trust him. If he says he knows his way home in the dark and doesn’t need headlights, then you have to trust his judgment. Lean back, undo your belt, and pretend you’re asleep.

  Watch Your Topics

  It’s often a good idea to talk to the driver. It keeps him awake and stops him from singing. Just be careful what you talk about or it could be taken as an insult. In general, don’t talk about traffic accidents. Don’t mention your uncle, who also drives with one finger and a beer gut draped over the wheel, and how he hit a pothole and jammed the turn signal arm deeply into his navel. Don’t mention the fog or t
he ice. If the driver hasn’t noticed them, you’re better off starting a prayer and trying to relax your shoulders while you brace for impact. If you have to talk, talk to other passengers or to yourself, perhaps about the weather or if anyone has taken courses in first aid or trauma treatment.

  Don’t Touch Stuff

  Cars are designed so that one person can operate all the controls. Just because you can reach buttons on the dashboard, that does not mean they are legally your vehicular responsibility. The radio tuner and volume controls are Driver Only. As is the heater. The comfort of the driver is paramount. If he’s warm enough, you just have to sit there quietly with your tongue frozen to the window winder. Don’t touch the sunroof controls, the high beam switch, or the gearshift. If you have to adjust things or you go crazy, wear clothes with lots of buttons and zippers. Worry beads might help. You could also adjust the passenger seat a few times, but remember, a little of that goes a long way.

  Don’t Keep Looking at the Map

  What kind of a message does that send? You think the goof is lost. And you could get motion sickness. Remember, vomiting never adds to the enjoyment of a trip.

  Don’t Be Embarrassed

  As a passenger, you can sometimes get embarrassed by certain habits your driver practices: splashing pedestrians, or not signalling turns, or cutting across four lanes of traffic to run over an apple, or side-swiping hitchhikers. Once embarrassed, a passenger is prone to say things to the driver that will lead to a difference of opinion and a ninety-mile-an-hour hair-pulling incident. And any traffic expert will tell you that’s asking for trouble. Instead, wear a disguise like a false nose and glasses, or if yours are already false, wear a real nose and glasses. That way, other drivers will not be able to recognize you at the trial.