The Green Red Green

by Red Green

  Avoid eye contact with other motorists, no matter how hard they’re honking or staring at you through the windshield, screaming, “Stop! Please stop and let me off!” If you do accidentally lock eyes, shrug your shoulders to imply helplessness or hold up your arms so it looks like you’re handcuffed, and they will assume you’re being kidnapped and focus their anger and lawsuits on the driver.

  Another good trick to deter angry people is to dress like a cop. Or even better, become a cop.

  Ride Defensively

  As you sit quietly, watching the miles and bicyclists fly past your window, plan your escape route. Then you’re ready in the event of an accident—or a really big guy in an overturned tractor-trailer coming over to rearrange your driver’s face.

  When you see an impending collision because the driver is passing on a hill or bouncing off guardrails or jumping a lift bridge, pretend you dropped something on the floor and when you go down to get it, stay there until the vehicle comes to a complete stop. It doesn’t usually take long. Then say, “Thanks, this is close enough. I’ll walk from here.”

  If the vehicle is on fire, it’s okay to just say, “Thanks, see ya.”

  Don’t Point Stuff Out

  If you’re older than eight (and if you’re reading this book, that’s unlikely), you should not be yelling “Cow!” every time you pass a cow. The world is an interesting place, but a running commentary from you doesn’t make it more interesting and may distract your driver from oncoming traffic, oncoming guardrails, or oncoming canals. So avoid the temptation to keep up a running commentary like this: “Oh look, that barn is burnt. That was some fire. Hey, look at that apple stand you drove through. Hey, look at that cop waving at you … Look at that cop shooting at you! Look, a cow. That’s some cow. She doesn’t look happy, does she? Maybe if you hit the windshield wipers, you’ll dislodge her …”

  Twelve More Things You Should Not Do

  1) Eat an unsliced watermelon.

  2) Do your rosary.

  3) Grab the steering wheel.

  4) Stand up.

  5) Slam your foot down on an imaginary brake pedal and whimper.

  6) Start a singalong. Especially of “Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”

  7) Pour coffee for the driver while holding the cup over his lap.

  8) Unwrap a kielbasa that’s older than the vehicle.

  9) Pick your nose. Or anyone’s nose.

  10) Read over your will.

  11) Offer to drive.

  12) Not offer to drive.

  LIFE IS SPORT

  Now, I know that a lot of women like sports, but the vast majority of sports fans are men. And predominantly middle-aged men. We’re the ones sprawled out on the family room couch with an ottoman handy to catch the overflow. We’re the ones who will watch any sport, anytime, anywhere. And I think I know why: in sports, you are always living “in the moment.” While what happened in the past might have some relevance and what will happen in the future is tinged with hope, sports are mainly focused on what is happening RIGHT NOW. Middle-aged men love that. That’s where we want to be: living in the moment. Not living in the past, where we had more of everything, from freedom to hairstyle choices, and could be criticized for our uninspired career choices after graduation or our inappropriate behaviour at last night’s party. Not living in the future, where we will look back at our current physical deterioration as the good old days. No, we don’t want to think about that. The truth is, we don’t want to think about anything. But hey, that’s what sports on television are for.

  FORGOT? NOW WHAT?

  Your anniversary, which you seem to recall is coming up, is not coming up. It’s gone by. It was yesterday.

  Now, you could just admit that you forgot about the anniversary and you feel real bad about it and it doesn’t mean you don’t care and would she please forgive you? But she won’t. So instead, tell her that you had to postpone the anniversary because the special gift you got for her couldn’t be delivered until the weekend. Which gives you until the weekend to buy something. If you then forget to buy her the present … well, you’re on your own.

  Or pull out your wallet and find last year’s calendar on one of those little cards and point to it and say, “There’s your problem: I had the right day, just the wrong year. I guess next year we’ll have to celebrate our anniversary twice.” That might work. If it doesn’t, you may not be celebrating even once.

  SILENCE, PLEASE

  In my early twenties I was in a rock band. We played different kinds of music, but all of it really loud. The slogan “How do we do it? Volume!” was a pretty good description of our approach. When you’re loud, you don’t get criticized. Or at least you don’t hear the criticism. But that was some time ago. Now I don’t like anything loud. I need to be able to hear what my wife is saying. I’ve learned that it’s better for everyone if I hear her the first time. Before I buy something else that we don’t need. And before she commits me to a social function. Or an institution.

  I used to like loud things, like rock music and dragsters and explosions. Now I like quiet things—like babies not crying and phones not ringing and salesmen not knocking. If I worked at the airport wearing those silencer earmuffs, I’d probably leave them on all the time. Except, of course, when my wife is talking.

  HOW TO BUILD A SELF CLEANING CAR

  Here’s an easy way to build an automatic, self-contained mobile washer that keeps your car continuously clean. Just like going to the car wash—except it’s free and you don’t have to go the car wash.

  You will need a whole bunch of sprinklers. It’s that simple. You’ll find them on people’s front lawns long after they’ve gone to bed. Mount the sprinklers all over the car using bolts and rivets, or if you work for the government, you may have the time to sit and magnetize them. But if you like the chrome look, use duct tape.

  Attach all the sprinklers together using garden hoses from the source mentioned above. Now you need a supply of water—one that moves with the car, so you can wash your vehicle on the move. And you have a source right inside the engine compartment: namely, the water pump and the radiator. All you have to do is tap into them.

  Don’t forget that a mobile car wash does not have an unlimited supply of water, so what you’re going to have to do is recycle it (and I don’t mean the way people adrift at sea recycle their water). Measure the exact outside circumference of your car and get exactly that much eavestroughing. Attach the eavestroughs all the way around the car to catch any runoff. Run a hose from the intake side of the water pump into the eavestroughs to put the wash water back into the radiator, creating a completely closed system—except, of course, for evaporation. You can compensate for that by leaving your car out in the rain.

  WHAT TOOLS DO PROS HAVE IN THEIR TOOL KITS? AND WHAT DO I HAVE IN MINE?

  The home handyman usually has between forty and sixty different tools in his tool box. A professional builder or carpenter carries as many as three hundred different tools in his tool kit. I carry five.

  The Red Green Very Portable Tool Kit

  1) Hammer

  2) Saw

  3) Screwdriver

  4) Pliers

  5) Roll of duct tape

  Those five tools have everything I need to fix a loose chair, rewire a socket, or add an addition to the house. Here’s a list of all the tools you can buy if you’re absolutely made of money. Beside each is the tool I use to do the same job.

  Well-Stocked Tool Box My Tool Box

  Hammer Hammer

  Saw Saw

  3 screwdrivers (slot head) Screwdriver

  3 Phillips head screwdrivers Hammer

  3 Robertson head screwdrivers Hammer

  3 chisels Screwdriver

  Crowbar Hammer

  Wrench Hammer

  Hacksaw Saw or hammer

  Mitre saw Saw

  Sabre saw Saw

  Reciprocating saw Saw or hammer

  Hole saw Hammer

  Metal ruler M
etal edge of Saw blade

  2 slipjoint pliers Pliers

  Lineman’s pliers Pliers

  Channeltype pliers, ViseGrip pliers, endcutting nippers, needlenose pliers, longnose pliers, pipe wrench, adjustable wrench, ratchet wrench, openend, boxend wrench set, Allen wrench set Pliers

  Rubber mallet Hammer

  Wood mallet Hammer

  Nail set and nail punch Hammer

  Electric drill Hammer

  Plane Screwdriver

  Putty knife Screwdriver

  Scraper Screwdriver

  Soldering iron Duct tape

  Propane torch, solder Duct tape

  Wood glue Duct tape

  Hot glue gun Duct tape

  Staple gun Duct tape

  Compass Duct tape roll

  Router and router bits Screwdriver

  Carpenter’s level Eyeball

  T-square Eyeball

  Tape measure Eyeball

  Pipe cutter Saw

  Metal snips Saw

  C-clamp Nephew

  Vise Nephew

  Wire cutters Pliers

  Wirestripping tool Pliers

  Fuse puller Pliers

  Electrician’s pliers Pliers

  Connecting nuts Duct tape

  Fuses Pocketful of change

  Circuit tester Nephew’s finger

  Lathe I don’t build round things

  Power jointer I don’t joint things

  Power drill press Hammer

  Grinder Hammer

  Belt sander Hammer

  Pad sander Hammer

  Various files (wood and metal) Screwdriver

  Toilet plunger Nephew

  I think you can see that my tool list proves a point I have always lived by: imagination costs nothing.

  B&B BLUES

  We’re friends with a retired couple who have turned their house into a bed and breakfast. So unsurprisingly, my wife and I end up discussing the possibility of doing the same thing. That’s a natural reaction. Whenever someone you know does something that you haven’t done, you start considering it. That’s why whenever you’re selling some product that’s completely worthless, the first sale is so important. Now, I don’t know if my wife is going to push this bed and breakfast thing, but if so, I plan to fight it all the way. I don’t like strangers in my house at any time, and letting them stay overnight is really asking for trouble. I’m going to hear strange noises and snippets of conversations and imagine what’s going on in there. And who came up with the concept of giving them breakfast? That’s not the high point of my day, either physically or emotionally. I’ll be awake all night listening to potential tribal rituals, and then I’m expected to greet these transients at the bottom of the stairs with a smile and an omelette. It’s more than a coincidence that the emergence of bed and breakfasts is concurrent with the increase in domestic violence.

  DUMPSTER COTTAGE

  Everybody likes to have someplace they can go to get away from it all, or get away from the law or whatever. But not everyone can afford a cottage, so here’s a handyman project that will fit almost any budget. I’m assuming you have a piece of land somewhere, but even if you don’t, it’s a big country and they’re not going to check every square mile every year, so you’ll get at least one season out of wherever you build.

  Step One

  Call the biggest garbage collection agency in your region and ask them to drop off the biggest dumpster bin they have. It must have a heavy lid. Tell them you’ll be clearing a property and will have a lot of garbage for them to come and get when it’s done. In most cases, they will deliver the dumpster and leave it for no charge. Make sure they set it down between two big trees with high crotches. (High crotches are very important for almost everything you do outdoors.)

  See Diagram A:

  Step Two

  You will need two spare tires off a car or a small truck. (If you don’t have any sitting out on your porch, you can swipe them from the trunks of BMWs, because people who drive those cars would never change their own tires anyway.) Next, you must remove the tires from the rims. Gas stations have special equipment just for that, but you could try it with a crowbar and an oar. The easiest way is just to burn them off. Leave the area while they’re burning. You should have no trouble finding your way back—just follow your nose. Scrape the residue off the wheel rims and attach them to opposite sides of the dumpster as shown in Diagram B.

  I recommend that you weld them on or drill holes and bolt them. Or you may want to use the Handyman’s Secret Weapon—duct tape. These rims have to support the entire weight of a dumpster, so use lots of tape.

  Step Three

  Cut a door and a window in each side of the dumpster that has a rim. I recommend using an acetylene torch, but you can use a tempered axe or even a chainsaw if you really like sparks. Once that’s done, move your living room furniture into the dumpster, set it on the floor, and bolt it into place. Lamps can be glued to tables. Next, wind your jumper cables around your appliances and hook them up to your car battery to magnetize them. Then bring them into the dumpster as well and stick them on the wall as shown in Diagram C. Attach your bedroom furniture to the inside of the lid of the dumpster with self-tapping screws. The fourth wall can be done as a family room or den or whatever suits your particular lifestyle. Again, all furnishings must be fastened securely to the wall.

  Step Four

  To lift the dumpster up into the tree, you’ll need a long chain or thick rope attached to the top. We tried it with a garden hose and I wouldn’t recommend it. Rubber can really sting.

  Take the rope and swing it over something high and strong, like an overhanging tree branch or railway bridge. Attach the other end to your van as in Diagram D. As you drive away, the rope will lift the dumpster up in the air. Unless the dumpster is heavier, in which case it will lift the van in the air. To avoid this problem, invite your overweight relatives over and stuff them into the van first. Drive forward slowly until the dumpster is in the air with the rims over the crotches of the tree. Back up until the rims drop into place, securing the dumpster.

  Step Five

  Get in and enjoy your summer. Sit in the living room and amuse yourself with your favourite television shows. When you need something from the kitchen, just walk toward it and the dumpster will rotate, bringing the kitchen to you. Same thing when it’s bedtime or you need some quiet time in the den. Just walk toward whichever room you want. It’s that simple.*

  PROTESTING TOO MUCH

  I was doing something on my computer the other day when suddenly a notice popped up in the middle of the screen saying, “You have performed an illegal operation! This program will be shut down!” What is that? An illegal operation? I pressed a button on my computer. Is that against the law now? This seems way over the top to me. I think it’s a device created by the people who make these computers to cover their own mistakes. Obviously there’s a glitch in the software that triggers a problem, and instead of creating a sign that says, “We screwed up by selling you this computer before we got the bugs out of it,” they went with “You have performed an illegal operation!”

  It’s not a bad move, actually. Maybe you should try that in your own life. When your wife criticizes you, you just say, “You have performed an illegal operation! This conversation will be shut down!” And then go out. But first, make sure you have a house key in your pocket.

  HOW TO BUY A HOME

  Thinking of buying a new home? Or an old home? Or a cottage? Here are some things to watch out for when buying something that is going to put you in hock for the rest of your days.

  Good Signs

  • The owners are still in the country and alive.

  • No large animal droppings are in the attic.

  • There’s glass in all the windows.

  • It was not built on an ancient tribal burial ground, disturbing many graves.

  • You’re allowed to inspect all the rooms.

  • Nothing breaks off when you touch it
.

  • It’s more than fifty feet from all major airports, railways, dumpsites, and active volcanoes.

  Bad Signs

  • The word “Redrum!” is carved in the walls.

  • Their grandfather is included in the price.

  • The real estate agent warns you not to walk in the middle of the floors, where it’s soft.

  • The sellers are “very motivated” to sell because they fear for their children’s safety.

  • There are high-water marks on the basement walls.

  • The kitchen appliances are turquoise.

  • There are bullet holes in the bathroom.

  • The real estate agent says you can’t flush the toilet until after you’ve bought the place.

  • The house has been treated for termites nine times in the past two years.

  NORTH OF FORTY

  I want to talk to you guys who are celebrating your fiftieth birthday, or are just recovering from the hangover. You’ll know what I’m talking about when they bring you your birthday cake and tell you that each candle represents a decade.

  When we reach mid-life, most of us review our accomplishments and take stock of our careers, our family situation, and our position in the community, and often we conclude that life stinks and we really blew it. But I say we should look on the bright side: everybody’s life stinks. Nobody gets what they want. Millionaires wish they were billionaires. Married guys wish they were playboys, and playboys wish they could find someone worth marrying. Maybe you regret not marrying your first sweetheart. Well, don’t forget that you’re not sweet sixteen anymore, and neither is she. If you passed each other on the street today, you’d both think, “Boy, some people really let themselves go.”