The Green Red Green

by Red Green

  Young people, it’s me again. I know a lot of you feel you have to rebel and be obnoxious and embarrass your parents in restaurants, but that’s just a normal part of growing up and finding your place in the world, especially when your parents throw you out. Whereas getting a tattoo is stupid.

  Now, I don’t mean one of those temporary transfer dealies in the box of Crunchie Critters. I’m talking about a carnival-booth, skin-carved, sober-up-and-scream-about-it tattoo. A tattoo is basically a liquid sliver. And the liquid is permanent ink. Getting a tattoo is like sucking on a pen with your whole body.

  And it’s painful. There are only two things more painful than getting a tattoo: getting two tattoos, and getting either of them removed. Maybe there’s some appeal in getting “Guns N’ Roses” tattooed on your butt, but sixty years from now, in the middle of your hemorrhoid operation, you’re going to find out why it’s not a good idea to get your surgeon laughing.

  HOW TO TELL WHEN YOU’RE BEING OBNOXIOUS

  Sometimes when a man reaches middle age, he gets a little full of himself. Maybe he’s been reasonably successful at work, has a nice home and family, and hasn’t raised any convicted felons, so he starts thinking that he knows it all. This ticks off everyone around him, and ironically, he’s the last one to notice. So watch for the following signs that indicate you’re getting obnoxious:

  • People at work volunteer you for a climb of Mount Everest.

  • When you talk to the neighbours they run away, pretending to hear their phones ring.

  • On Valentine’s Day, you’re given a box of prunes.

  • When the two of you travel, your Wife insists that you go on separate planes.

  • The other guys in your carpool kick the muffler off your car so they can’t hear what you’re saying.

  • Your best friend works for Amway but has never tried to sell you anything.

  • When the firemen arrive, the first thing they do is hose you down.

  • Whenever you talk at a party, your wife sits behind you shaking her head.

  DRIVING WITH ATTITUDE

  Just as your clothes and your grooming and your gun collection define who you are, so does your driving. The meek shall inherit the slow lane. Drive with attitude.

  Peeling Rubber

  Nothing says “man on the go” like sixty feet of blue smoke and a neighbourhood-piercing squeal. Sure, it cuts down on tread life, but hey, there’s a lot of rubber on those tires and you don’t know how long you’ll be driving—what with the price of gas and the licence suspensions.

  If your car doesn’t have the power to spin the tires, crimp the rear brake lines and rev her up with your foot on the brake pedal. The front wheels will hold her back and the back tires will be screaming like a banshee. (Not recommended for front-wheel-drive vehicles.)

  Laying a black streak across the road is more than just decorative—you can use peeling rubber to intimidate other motorists. When you’re at a red light, step on the brake (see above) and rev the engine until the tachometer needle moves as far as it can in a clockwise direction, preferably disappearing below the bottom edge of the control panel. Then jerk your foot off the clutch so that it pops up. Hang on to the steering wheel and hold your breath until the smell dies down, just as you do in your normal daily activities. Release the brake and try to stay on the road. Don’t worry about other drivers—they usually get out of the way. Just another upside when you’re driving with attitude.

  Speeding

  Speeding is a natural phenomenon. People who aren’t sure where they’re going must speed to arrive on time. Driving is an entrepreneurial process, full of negotiation and strategic positioning, with no limits. Especially not speed limits. Speed limits are the result of a lack of speeders. If everybody speeds, the government will raise the limit. Remember how the government got rid of prohibition and the death penalty? And how much that helped your family? Every time you get a speeding ticket, your fellow drivers are letting you down. They need to tap into that “pedal to the metal” attitude. You’ll never hit a car you’ve already passed, so put the hammer down. And if you get caught, I never heard of you.

  Tailgating

  It’s a natural progression from speeding to the subject of tailgating. There is no better way to inform another driver that he’s not going fast enough and has become a hazard to traffic than for you to rest your hood ornament up against his trunk lid. To tailgate properly, you should be able to read all the dials on the other guy’s dashboard. The sweat on the back of his neck is another sign that you’re close enough.

  After various turn signals and hand signals, he should pull over and let you pass, but even if he doesn’t, his slipstream is helping your gas mileage, and you can turn off your own headlights and just use his. The only way you can have an accident is if you’re not following closely enough. As long as you’re resting against him, you can’t possibly collide with him.

  Merging

  Occasionally a highway is under construction or there’s been an accident or the police are pulling cars over because they can, and this often means that two lanes of traffic have to merge into one. Some drivers believe this should be done in a fair, orderly way, but who has that kind of time? Instead, cruise onto the shoulder and rocket past all the cars, and then cut in front of somebody, and then wave thanks. Now and then, you’ll find yourself embroiled in a game of chicken, where the guy you’re trying to cut off recklessly speeds up so you can’t get in. In this situation, always try to cut off a car that’s more valuable than yours. And better maintained. If you’re a lodge member, you should have plenty of choices.

  Focusing on Driving

  The most effective way to drive with attitude is to focus all your concentration on the three basic fundamentals: the gas, the brakes, and the steering. Don’t let yourself get distracted by the peripheral controls, like the horn, the windshield wipers, the lights, and the turn signals. Keep them guessing. In the Information Age, the more data you keep to yourself, the more power you have. So drive fast, drive hard, and always carry your insurance agent’s home number.

  HOW TO GET EVEN

  • When your boss criticizes you in front of your fellow workers, yell back that you know what he’s up to but you don’t find him even remotely attractive.

  • When you know your teenage son is going to use your car, empty the gas tank and fill the back seat with fast food packages.

  • Buy three sets of golf clubs and keep them together so they can all see that you don’t need to keep using ones that misbehave.

  • While the cop is writing out your ticket, draw an unflattering sketch of him and hand it to him when he’s done.

  YOU SHOULD BE COMMITTED

  Last week I met a guy who is very socially active. He’s involved with this and that and the other, and he doesn’t seem to get much out of any of them. That’s because he’s involved in so many things, he doesn’t have time to be committed to any. There’s a big difference between being involved and being committed. It’s like bacon and eggs: the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.

  You must make a commitment. Marriage is the most popular one, but there are others: spending two months’ salary on golf clubs, feeding a stray cat, getting your football team’s logo tattooed on your forehead, buying the first round, being the first one in the hot tub to remove his bathing suit (unless you’re alone or immediately become that way). So if you’re not getting enough out of life, don’t do more. Instead, do less but do it harder.

  GETTING SHORT WITH TALL GUYS

  I’m not a tall person. Just barely average height, actually. So I’ve always had tall guys around me—taking charge, attracting women, helping me find my car in a crowded parking lot, that kind of thing. I always feel somehow disadvantaged around tall guys, so I’d like to use this space for a little “get even” time.

  I know the tall guys won’t listen, but maybe you normal people will. First of all, tall guys are here to mate with tall women and have tall chil
dren to ensure the future of the NBA. To be a short guy going out with a tall girl takes a special kind of man who is very well adjusted and doesn’t have a bald spot. Short guys want to go out with short girls. Short girls are hard to find, and short, attractive girls are a small percentage of that select group. So when a tall guy starts dating an attractive short girl, all the laws of nature are at risk. Tall guys should not be allowed to go out with short girls. They should have a sign on their tie saying, “You must be this tall to go on this ride.”

  And don’t be fooled, ladies. Just because a guy is tall that doesn’t mean he’s smart. His brain has a lot of heavy work to do: moving that huge body around without falling over, ducking under doorways, and avoiding lightning. A short guy’s brain can think about other things—like you. Short guys make better lovers. They’re more responsive, more attentive, more grateful. And they won’t get in your way, personally or professionally. With a short guy, you can have your ear to the ground and still maintain eye contact.

  TEN SIGNS YOU ARE TAKING EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED

  1) In a group photo taken recently, you have trouble picking out your wife.

  2) You drive in the car for three hours without speaking, and that’s fine with her.

  3) The cancellation of Wheel of Fortune would create a depressing void in both of your lives.

  4) For your anniversary, you bought her the exact same ball cap you bought her last year. And she didn’t notice.

  5) Your wife discusses your medical condition with her friends while you’re present and then wants you to show them the scar.

  6) You can use your meals as a calendar: meat loaf is Monday, chicken is Tuesday, McDonald’s is payday …

  7) A sit-down dinner at your house involves TV trays.

  8) On a night when you’re working late, you call home to tell her and that makes her suspicious.

  9) Neither of you goes to bed until you’re really, really tired.

  10) Your wife bought matching shirts so you could be each other once in a while.

  KEEPING THE MAGIC ALIVE

  If you’re a married man and you’re hoping to stay that way, I think it’s a good idea to do everything you can to maintain your value in your wife’s eyes. You should treat yourself the way you would a car you plan to keep for a long time. Wash and wax as often as you can. Change the oil once a month. No quick starts or stops. And keep the mileage down.

  That’ll take care of your physical appearance, but to get to the heart and mind of a woman, you need to have a little mystique working for you. Instead of actually having an affair, just pretend you are. Have women call you at home and then hang up when your wife answers. Throw a tube of passion pink lipstick into your glove compartment. Speak French in your sleep. Life is an auction, and nothing increases the value of an item more than the fear that someone else is bidding. And when your wife finds out that you’re actually not cheating on her, she’ll have a huge victory celebration and you’ll be the guest of honour. Rest up.

  GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION

  I saw an article in a movie magazine about an aging actress, and it included some pictures of her in her personal life with her husband. He isn’t a show biz guy. He made his money in shoe stores or something. And that may be what created the problem. Because he’s not an entertainer, he doesn’t really care what he looks like. At the very least, it’s okay for him to look old. In contrast, she’s had more corrective surgery than Joe Namath’s knees. So when you see them together, you think, “Why would a young, good-looking woman like her be with an old dog like him? And how can her son possibly be older than she is?” I guess for cosmetic surgery to work properly, everybody in your family has to agree to have it done. All it takes is one wrinkled younger sister and your cover is blown.

  WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CAR WON’T START

  You don’t have to be a licensed mechanic to have a car that won’t start. Here are some simple steps that will save you money by preventing you from going to the mall.

  Step One: Ignition Check

  • Is the key in the ignition?

  • Is it the car key?

  • Are you turning it the right way?

  • Does the motor turn over?

  • Do you know what “turn over” means? (You married guys do.)

  • If the motor doesn’t turn over, check the battery. Wipe off the top of the battery and lay your tongue across both terminals. Check your watch. If you blacked out for more than an hour, the battery is fine.

  • Remove a spark plug for a random test. Slide your ear-lobe into the spark plug gap and have a friend crank the starter. If it works, you should now have a pierced ear.

  • When you’re satisfied that the ignition is okay, move on to the fuel check.

  Step Two: Fuel Check

  • Does the fuel gauge show there’s gas?

  • Does the fuel gauge work?

  • Is there a fuel gauge?

  • Have you ever looked at the fuel gauge before?

  • Did your teenager borrow the vehicle and promise, swear, and vow on his honour to gas it up?

  • Remove the gas cap. Do you see gas?

  • Do you smell gas?

  • Do you taste gas?

  • Are you standing in gas?

  • If you enjoy travelling, hold a match up to the gas filler tube.

  • Disconnect the outlet tube from the fuel pump. It’s probably a metric fitting, so you may as well snip her off with side cutters. Look down the end of the tube while a friend cranks the motor. If you detect a fair amount of excess gas in your eye, the fuel pump is fine. Reconnect the tube with duct tape.

  • Find every adjusting screw on the carburetor and turn them all the way in one direction. Try the engine. Now turn them all the way in the other direction. Try the engine again. Now set them all roughly somewhere in the middle.

  • The automatic choke mechanism can rarely be fixed, so whack it a few times with a hammer just for fun.

  • Now that you’ve ruled out ignition or fuel problems, move on to alternative starting techniques.

  Step Three: Alternative Starting Techniques

  For an older car that has never had a tune-up or an oil change or a tank of brand-name gas, a car battery may not have enough power. To rectify this problem, attach battery cables to both terminals. Run the cables into the house and plug them into the stove circuit. Set your rad to 425 degrees Fahrenheit, and your engine should be done in about an hour. Baste lightly. Serves six anxious passengers.

  Maybe the starting motor doesn’t turn the engine over fast enough. If so, take your car to the top of a big hill (better still, always remember to park at the top of a big hill), then turn on the ignition and roll it down. Pop the clutch often and with attitude. If the car won’t start, try rolling it backwards down the hill. If that doesn’t work, try rolling it sideways into a ravine.

  Bring a crushed car home from the auto wrecker. Park it in front of your car and say, “This could be you.” If a car won’t start with threats, it’s finished. But you still deserve some satisfaction.

  Step Four: Satisfaction

  A Saturday afternoon with a ten-pound sledgehammer can really ease the frustration of a car that refuses to start. And when you’ve had your fill from every conceivable angle, hose the vehicle down with barbecue starter and give it a Viking funeral. A stunning milestone in the battle of man against machine.

  Step Five: Afterthought

  Make sure it’s your car.

  HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR GAS MILEAGE

  Ever since the oil crisis in the mid-seventies, people have been concerned about gas mileage. Here are a few tips that you won’t get from the EPA, the NRA, or the CIA.

  Save Money on Gas

  An average tank of gas costs $530. An average gas syphon costs $7.95. Do the math.

  Hang out at self-serve stations with a gas can. While a guy is going up to pay, squeeze yourself a can out of his pump.

  Conserve Gas

  • Magnetize your fro
nt bumper. Pull onto the highway and tailgate. Shut your engine off. Don’t start your car until you come to your exit. You’ll save a fortune.

  • Don’t go anywhere that isn’t downhill. This means you’ll have to come home by a different route. And it won’t be your home. But that may not be a bad thing.

  • Turn the engine off every time you’re coasting or stopped. (Make sure you have a good battery.)

  • Pretend you don’t have a good battery and ask people to push-start you. Just keep yelling, “Almost! Almost! A bit faster!” And let them push you all the way to the mall. If they complain, point out how good an aerobic workout they’ve just had without having to pay expensive membership fees to a health club.

  • Carpool to work and be “sick” whenever it’s your turn.

  • Take the energy-saver nozzle off your bathroom showerhead and splice it onto your gas line. This will restrict the amount of gas that flows to the engine. (Don’t try to pass on a hill.)

  • If you have an enormous, gas-guzzling North American car, put it in Neutral and tow it behind a hybrid.

  • An engine uses very little gas when idling. Disconnect the gas pedal and idle everywhere. It’s a great way to avoid high-speed accidents and to get attention from other drivers.

  • When driving into the wind, remove things that cause drag, like hood ornaments and side-view mirrors. When driving with the wind at your back, open your doors and trunk so they’ll act like sails.