by Red Green
I’m not exactly sure what that means. I wouldn’t know what to pack for a world termination. I guess something loose-fitting and some sensible shoes. Okay, that’s a little glib, but I don’t honestly think the world-ending thing is going to happen. So instead of expecting the rest of us to prepare for the world to end, I suggest these fanatics prepare for the world not to end. What then? What if we hit the stroke of midnight and there’s no horrific conflagration? Don’t you think they should prepare for that? Maybe it’s time to engage in a new activity. Might I humbly suggest rational thought?
IT TAKES A TROUBLED MAN
I don’t know whether this is a male thing, but I find I do my best work and make my best efforts when I’m in trouble. When everything’s going well and I’m cruising, I just let it all slide, but as soon as my boss is making threatening noises or my wife pulls out her suitcase or the police start nosing around, that’s when I get it together. I’m also nicer when I’m behind the eight ball. When things are going well, I get arrogant because to me that’s what success is all about.
Why do we men have such a strange behavioural pattern? I think when you boil it all down, it stems from the inner conflict between being congenitally lazy but not wanting to look like an idiot. That’s why competition works. It’s not about winning—it’s about the fear of losing and letting the world in on your lack of personal proficiency and work ethic. They say if you want to get something done, take it to someone who’s busy. I say if you want to get something done, take it to someone who’s in deep trouble.
CHAIN IT UP
The food chain has been in existence for millions of years, and it works well. I think we should apply the same approach to our levels of conspicuous consumption. We need a possession chain—a table that shows us the order of acquiring products and services. For example, the possession chain might tell us to start with a toaster and then move up, in time, to a toaster oven and eventually to a microwave. Starting with a microwave is in conflict with the laws of nature and will lead to unhappiness and badly burnt popcorn.
Similarly, if you live in a $250,000 home, you shouldn’t be driving a $300,000 car. It will only make you unhappy. Or at least it will make the person you live with unhappy, which will eventually affect you through the trickle-down theory.
Here’s a rough guide to the order in which men should spend their money: home, car, boat, motorcycle, snow machine, riding mower, Sea-Doo, bush buggy, hovercraft, backhoe, helicopter, new suit, divorce lawyer.
KIND OF INTERESTING
Over the years, the phrase “kind of” has made its way into our vernacular. The meaning of the phrase is not completely clear, and I think you have to use it with caution. Here is a list of questions for which the answer “Kind of” is inappropriate:
• Do you love me?
• Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth?
• Are you pregnant?
• Do you have a job?
• Does this car belong to you?
• Did you pay your income tax?
• Are you a doctor?
• Have you been faithful?
• Are you the father of this child?
SENSE AND SENSITIVITY
Men have been under a lot of pressure for the last thirty years or so to get more in touch with their feelings. To be more sensitive and let their feminine side come out. I guess it’s a good thing. My wife’s all for it, so that’s pretty much the clincher around our house.
But there have been some downsides. That whole strong, silent macho man has been replaced by a bunch of gushy guys who dance just a little too well for my liking. And men who ordinarily never say anything have got in touch with their feelings, only to realize that their feelings are hurt. So they start whining. About everything. It’s amazing how hundreds of years of repressed self-expression can explode into tirades on everything from the weather to squeegee kids.
Let’s be careful how we use this newfound sensitivity. Some of the best male actors ever were a lot better in the silent movies than they were in the talkies.
WHAT WILL LIFE BE LIKE IN ONE HUNDRED YEARS?
• Everyone will drive disposable paper towels. They will be powered by nuclear fusion and go from zero to the speed of light in under nine seconds. Naturally, guys will try tinkering with their fusion reactors to get a little extra acceleration out of them.
• To conserve our forests, toilet paper will be replaced by the type of transporter device they had on Star Trek. It will instantly beam all waste into outer space. Some smart aleck will write on it, “Flush twice—it’s a long way to Mars.”
• Boats will use anti-gravity pods to hover a few centimetres above the water surface (so there won’t be an annoying boat wake, and the hull won’t be melted by toxic chemicals).
• New kinds of plastics, metal alloys, graphite compounds, ceramic materials, and paper products will mean everyone has to own 435 different blue boxes to sort their garbage.
• All jokes and all forms of comedy will be banned to prevent anyone from ever offending anyone else.
• You’ll be able to eat anything you want and never get fat. This will take the fun out of eating.
• Instead of spending money, a shopper will just grab what she wants and a computer implanted in her ear will keep track of how much she owes. If someone gets too far in debt, her head will explode.
• Humans will be genetically engineered to eliminate disease, aging, and flatulence. Minor surgery such as gall bladder removal and vasectomies will be done at drive-in clinics while you sit in your car. Anyone who goes bald will have realistic-looking hair tattooed on his head. Our brains will be five times larger, creating giant headaches.
• There will be five different sexes. They still won’t understand one another.
• The big debate in parenting will be whether to keep the test tube at home or have it raised in a lab.
• Everyone will switch back to Betamax.
DUMBING DOWN IN SELF-DEFENCE
The expression “dumbing down” is one I hear a lot these days. And people are worried about it. They consider dumbing down to be a form of pandering to the lowest common denominator, and the implication is that people are so stupid these days, you have to lower your intelligence level to speak to them.
I don’t agree. I think the average person is smarter than ever before in history. You have to be. You have to be able to communicate with computers. The manuals are three inches thick, so there’s a clue. Nobody from the Middle Ages or even the Industrial Revolution could have handled that. They couldn’t even remember their PINs. We’ve got voicemail, email, faxes, wireless, two-way, electronic ticketing, and on and on.
We’re not dumb. We’re smart. But we’re tired of being smart. We need a break. We need to be dumb once in a while so our brains don’t cramp. And if these big technology companies weren’t run by nerds, they’d understand that. Thinking is necessary, but it’s not fun. That’s why smart people are boring at parties. So get with the program. Think for show but dumb down for dough.
YOUR MESSAGE IS UNIMPORTANT TO ME
Technology has allowed me to pick up some new bad habits. One of them is voicemail. If I’m too busy to answer the phone, I don’t. I just let it kick over to voicemail with the idea that I’ll call the person back later. Sometimes I even check the caller ID to make sure it’s nobody important. Once in a while, I check the messages and then resave them because I’m too busy to call back right then. It’s like the PVR. I don’t have time to watch the shows I like, so I tape them, only to find out I don’t have time to watch them later either.
The fundamental problem here is that technology doesn’t slow down time. We don’t need voicemail and email and other “advancements” that allow us to postpone commitments. We need a way to stretch time so we can do everything we want. Without that, I’m going to have to cut down on the number of television shows I like, and also on the number of friends and associates who call me and leave messages.
I’m starting to get the feeling that technology’s ultimate goal is to prevent us from having friends and fun.
YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE
You may pretend to be young and in the know, but be careful. Certain actions can give you away. Here are six to watch for:
1) You buy a drink for the young lady at the end of the bar and then fall asleep before it arrives.
2) It takes you a full five minutes to get up out of the bean-bag chair at your young girlfriend’s apartment when the doorbell rings.
3) You wear a Monkees concert T-shirt under your Tommy Hilfiger sweater.
4) You quote one-liners from The Tonight Show when Jack Paar was the host.
5) When politics is being discussed, you relate everything to Watergate.
6) You have jet-black hair on your head and chin, but there’s a shocking tuft of grey coming out of your left nostril.
HOW TO RUSTPROOF YOUR CAR
In the winter, the government puts so much salt on the roads that your car turns into a bag of chips. Rust chips. And come spring, when the chips are down, you’ll be sitting there with a bare chassis, which is not only embarrassing but also against the law.
Now, the normal solution is to cover the rust with fibreglass, but there’s a lot of work and expertise involved with that, and that puts it outside of our capabilities. So I’d like to take a fresh approach to the problem of resurfacing your automobile. I’d like you to think about linoleum. It’s strong, durable, and lightweight, and if you ever get into a fender bender, a good-quality cushion floor could save your life. And it’s easy to install using duct tape.
Linoleum is also very cheap, especially if you can use samples and roll ends like I do. It’ll take you only a few hours on a Saturday afternoon—or any day, really—to install. But I think you’ll be surprised and even amazed at the way this looks when it’s all done.
And the finish comes up real nice when you use a floor polisher on there. That’s more of a pride thing, though, because most linoleums have the no-wax finish, so you can just mop up any odd spill you get on it, especially if it’s stuff from the kitchen, like eggs thrown at you by teenagers out of pure jealousy. That’s what that is.
But what you’ll have is a one-of-a-kind automobile that looks good enough to dance on. I’m sure some of you young professionals out there will be wanting to try hardwood or ceramic tiles, and if so, go right ahead. The technique is basically the same.
UNLICENSED TO THRILL
We’ll all eventually come to the day when we get so old we flunk our driver’s test and are no longer allowed to drive a car. This can be a major blow to the ego, so I say start preparing to beat the system now. Buy a house in a golf community on waterfront property. Then get yourself a powerboat and a golf cart—things that don’t require licences. And on your ninetieth birthday, drop a racing engine into the golf cart. Then cruise the neighbourhood trying to pick up women. Preferably golfers.
TAKE A PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE
As I get older, I find that I’m not as quick to respond as I used to be. And I don’t just mean in the bedroom. I mean conversationally. I remember the days when somebody would ask a question or make a controversial statement and I’d jump in there with both feet to express my opinion. I don’t do that anymore. My enthusiasm for saying what I think has been dampened by experience.
A married man or anyone in middle management will tell you that there is great value in silence. The person who’s talking to you will assume you’re thinking very carefully about your response. She’ll find that flattering. She doesn’t need to know that you’re actually trying to conceal your response and are taking extra time hoping she’ll forget the question. If you ever have to testify in court, your lawyer will tell you to take your time and think over your answer carefully before you speak. That’s good advice for daily living because you are on trial constantly.
And as soon as you testify, you have to be prepared for cross-examination.
SO MANY CARS, SO FEW LANES
It’s always good when you can take something unpleasant and find value in it. Like being at a family reunion and finding that cousin who owes you money. So I was thinking that if you commute to the Big Smoke every day and are stuck in traffic for hours at a time, that’s an excellent opportunity to shop for a car. You see which ones have the best acceleration. And brakes. And then acceleration again. You see which ones handle the best when switching lanes quickly or going into a four-wheel drift on the gravel shoulder. If you see a car pulled over in a radar trap, that means it has a good engine but poor visibility.
You also get a chance to do a market survey. For example, if you see a preponderance of Hondas, that means they’re popular and probably have good resale value, and you’ll always be able to find parts, even at the side of the road.
So instead of cursing rush hour, use it to do research for your next automotive purchase. (This technique works best when done from the window of a commuter train.)
WHEN IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON
There are times in life when it’s better to keep moving. In fact, you might want to pick up the pace in situations like the following:
• There’s a hint of methane in the air and it’s your turn to hold the baby.
• 60 Minutes is waiting to see you in your office.
• As you arrive at your neighbour’s house party, you see a large display of cleaning products.
• Young people in suits with books under their arms are standing on your front porch.
• A heavy-set man on the beach is taking off his robe.
• You see a hitchhiker dressed as Captain Kirk.
• You see a hitchhiker dressed as William Shatner.
• You see William Shatner.
I GOT REAL
I am by nature an optimist (or at least I hope I am), but there is something very empowering about removing unrealistic expectations from your life. Maybe I could bite off more than I could chew when I was young because I could hold it in my cheek for twenty years to soften it up. I don’t have that kind of time anymore, so now I try to make my projections with a stronger bulb. I’ve stopped expecting people to do what I want. Bad weather doesn’t surprise me. And I no longer make major purchases based solely on my ability to come up with the down payment.
A DOZEN EXCUSES TO GIVE THE COPS
Cops pulled you over? Cut out this list of excuses and tape it to your visor to help you talk your way out of a ticket.
1) I was speeding so I could get home before you set up this radar trap.
2) I was speeding to get out of the way so you could aim your radar at the guy behind me, who was really going fast.
3) Yes, I was speeding toward you. You looked like you needed help.
4) I was speeding to beat the sunset. Both of my headlights are burnt out.
5) But, Officer, how can I signal my turns if my indicators haven’t worked since I ran into that police car five months ago? I mean, let’s be fair.
6) I’m the regional quality control officer for the Acme Radar Gun Company, and I’m here doing a spot check of our product. It seems to be functioning perfectly, so my work here is done. Goodbye.
7) I tried to stop in time, but the guy ahead of me was leading too close.
8) The guy beside me was driving in my blind spot, and his horn was in my deaf spot.
9) The other driver failed to acknowledge my lack of control.
10) The other driver failed to acknowledge the possibility that I might run the stop sign.
11) The pedestrian was taking up the whole sidewalk and left me no room.
12) The other vehicle was a hazard because it was driving at the speed limit.
A DOZEN EXCUSES TO GIVE THE JUDGE
So the police didn’t believe your excuses? Well, cut out this list and put it in the pocket of your best outfit, because that’s what you’ll wear for your court appearance.
1) Your Honour, I would have come to a complete stop, but I wanted to get out
of the way of the police car that was following me.
2) I didn’t need to use my signals. I turn at that corner every day.
3) Tailgating? I was trying to give him a push, but he was going too fast. Boy, you try to be helpful!
4) I speed because it wastes gas and sends a message to certain Middle Eastern powers that this great country won’t be held hostage to oil interests and threats of embargo. It’s basically a political act and I’m a political prisoner.
5) My radio is stuck at full volume on an all-polka station. I had to drive fast. My non-violent side was running out of time.
6) I wasn’t speeding. The radar just bounced off the metal plate in my head as I bobbed to the beat of my Bobby Vinton eight-track.
7) Did you know, Judge, that the earth orbits the sun at more than 65,000 miles per hour? Compared to that, I wasn’t speeding at all.
8) I saw the sign 401, but I thought it was the speed limit, not the highway number.
9) Society is to blame for giving me a driver’s licence. I’m merely a victim of incompetent examiners.
10) I wasn’t wearing a seat belt because I knew the cops would make me get out of the car. They always do.
11) Yes, I was swerving down the highway, but it’s not easy to kill a mosquito with a coffee cup at eighty miles an hour.
12) I would never have been driving that recklessly if the police hadn’t been chasing me.