by June Taylor
‘Have you any idea where he’s taking you?’ Mel asked her.
Although she had enquired at the time, Aaron hadn’t been prepared to share that part of his plan with Mel, other than to hint that it would be done in style, as one might expect of him, and with enough flare and fanfare to increase his chances of a positive outcome.
‘I’ve no idea,’ Karin replied. ‘He just said pack an overnight bag for the weekend and you don’t need a passport.’ Karin stopped what she was doing, detecting there was something in the way Mel was looking at her. ‘You know, don’t you?’
Mel let out a sigh of responsibility. ‘All I can tell you is, well, it’s about more than just your birthday. Put it that way.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m just warning you. So you can think about your answer.’
‘Answer to what?’ Karin gasped. Eyes opening wide, her body stiffening. ‘You think he’s going to propose to me?’
‘Have something prepared just in case.’
Karin immediately bristled, pinning her shoulders back. ‘What, like no you mean?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
Mel followed the strong outline of Karin’s shoulders all the way down her arms. Shoulders that were no longer bony, arms now toned and bronzed from the many hours she spent working outdoors lately. Her skin had a body-lotion shimmer to it tonight. Mel had never known Karin to take such care over her appearance. Nail varnish too. Even toenails.
‘It’s your call, Karin. I’m just giving you a heads-up. It’s a big decision and easy to get carried away. Don’t let him hurry you.’
Karin held onto the unit to steady herself, as though she might expire if she didn’t. Her face lit up by a ripening glow; it made Mel anxious to witness it.
‘I love the way he makes me feel,’ Karin said, giving Mel an almost pleading look.
‘Oh, Karin, I know you do.’ She spoke softly this time, realizing her tone maybe sounded harsh before. She moved closer to Karin, cupping her cheek gently. ‘But you’re twenty-two years old, and who do you have for comparison? Hm?’
Karin pulled back, although Mel still didn’t let her escape, holding onto her shoulders. When Karin refused to meet her gaze, Mel lifted up her chin. ‘Look,’ she said, ‘if Aaron loves you, he’ll wait until you’re ready. Five months is no time at all to get to know someone. I mean why wouldn’t he want to marry you? Look at you, you’re gorgeous. He wants to snap you up before anyone else can.’
Karin mused on that for a moment, ran her fingers through the freshly blow-dried waves that she had just created. When she realized she was undoing all her effort, she allowed her hand to flop onto the unit, trying to read Mel’s thoughts. ‘So do you know where we’re going?’
‘Of course I don’t. He told me in strictest confidence that he was thinking of proposing when he came round to fix the dishwasher, and that’s all I know. You have a bright future ahead of you, Karin. You still have to work out who you are and what you want, before you rush into anything like this.’
Karin pulled away again. ‘If you’re referring to—’
The back door was suddenly flung open, giving them both a start.
3
Mel
Mel looked at Karin, zipping up her mouth as Will’s greasy mop of hair presented itself in the kitchen, followed by his decorating overalls and paint-splattered boots.
‘Hi, Will,’ said Karin, giving him an exaggerated double thumbs-up. ‘Good work today. Soon be in.’
Will nodded, signing something back to Karin which Mel couldn’t understand. He brushed against Mel’s shoulder as he reached over to the bread bin and slung a piece of on-the-turn white bread into the toaster. Mel waved her hand in front of his face and said, ‘Hi, Will.’
Will nodded, then blustered out into the hallway.
‘Could you see that he eats something decent this weekend while I’m away?’ asked Karin, screwing up her nose in that way of hers when she wanted something. ‘It’s just he never eats at work and—’
‘Sure.’
It was falling to Mel to do that anyway, but she resisted mentioning it. Mel glanced out of the window, not intentionally, but Karin took that to mean she must be wondering about the garden because it prompted her to say something. ‘He can’t tackle that yet, Mel. He’s working long hours at Ashby Road.’
‘It’s fine,’ she replied. ‘I’ll see that he eats. I’ll make him some pasta later.’
‘Look, I’ve said I’ll chip in a bit extra with my rent, now that I can, and Aaron says it’s not a problem, Will still being here, so—’
‘Read – my – lips – Karin. It’s fine. He’s kipping on the floor in a holey sleeping bag for God’s sake.’
Karin smiled, lightly embracing her. ‘Thank you,’ she said. She looked embarrassed and they both knew why.
‘Oh, don’t go setting the two of us off,’ said Mel, seeing Karin’s eyes were starting to gloss. She pulled Karin into her, making the hug tighter. ‘I’m so proud of you. Getting from where you were to where you are now, you’ve done amazing. And I’m only saying all these things because you have no one else to say them to you. As your surrogate big sister, it’s my job.’ Hearing a tearful snigger, Mel released her again. ‘That’s more like it.’
Karin had given her the title of surrogate big sister. It was a role Mel was more than happy to fulfil, especially as Karin had nowhere else to go for advice, but it was by no means easy. They came from two very different worlds.
Karin managed to sniff away any further tears, dabbing a finger under each eye to clear up the mascara runs.
‘It’s okay, you still look gorgeous,’ said Mel. ‘But just let me say one more thing and then I promise I’ll shut up. Can I?’ Finally she got a nod from Karin. ‘Okay. So if you’re going to go through with it, then get a pre-nup.’ Karin began to protest. Mel caught her hands, imploring her to listen. ‘I know – I know that sounds terrible and unromantic, but Aaron went through a very messy divorce.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘That money you got from your mother for your birthday, well it’s not exactly a tenner shoved in an envelope, is it? You really should protect yourself. That’s what I’m saying.’
Karin frowned, pulling her mouth to one side like a petulant teenager. ‘He doesn’t even know about that. I wasn’t sure I’d get the money, was I? Might as well be dead to my mother.’ Her words made Mel think about her own mother, sad to reflect on how much she missed her.
Karin leant back and thumped against the unit.
‘Well that’s good then,’ said Mel. She realized Karin was staring at her. ‘Not about your mother, obviously. It shows Aaron loves you for just being you. Well. I guess it does.’ She paused. ‘There is one thing though.’
‘What? Tell me, Mel.’
‘He’s bloody useless at fixing kitchen appliances.’
This had become something of a joke between them. Karin took a playful swipe, and Mel put up her hands as a shield. Then Karin stopped fooling around, folding her arms like the petulant teenager again. ‘Someone might want to snap him up too, you know, Mel.’
‘Of course they might. I can totally see why you’ve fallen for him. He’s charming, funny, handsome. But don’t rush it, okay? That’s all I’m saying. Just do what you think is right for you. You deserve to be happy.’
Karin sank her teeth into her bottom lip as a loud rapping, on the front door this time, broke into their conversation.
‘Shit,’ said Karin, straightening her dress nervously.
Aaron came into the kitchen dangling his keys. ‘Hope you don’t mind,’ he said, referring to the fact he had let himself in.
Mel shrugged. ‘You’re the landlord.’
He hovered for a second, waiting until it was safe to give Mel a secret wink. When she refused to participate he seemed disappointed, and maybe a little embarrassed. ‘You going out tonight, Mel?’ he asked.
‘Me? No, I have some work to catch up on. B
ut I’ll be thinking of you both on your lovely birthday weekend.’
‘Well erm, my suitcase is in the hallway,’ said Karin.
‘Great. I’ll load it into the car,’ Aaron replied, rubbing his hands with renewed excitement. ‘See you later then, Mel.’
‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,’ she shouted as he disappeared again. ‘And don’t you either,’ she added, pointing her finger at Karin who was still hovering awkwardly.
‘Really appreciate you telling me, Mel,’ she whispered.
‘Let me know how you get on. Okay? And just remember what I’ve said.’
Karin nodded.
Despite her underlying vulnerability, Mel knew that Karin could also be headstrong when she wanted to be. But at least she had given her something to think about.
Karin pushed her handbag onto her shoulder, emitting a kind of schoolgirl squeal as she ran her nails across her teeth to show both her fear and excitement. ‘Wish me luck,’ she said.
Mel thought she had gone, but then Karin rushed back in again to say: ‘Forgot to mention it, Mel. I’ve transferred five thousand pounds into your account today. To cover rent, bills, all my arrears. Plus a little bit extra to say thank you.’
‘Aw, Karin. That’s very generous of you.’
‘I know it’s more than I owe, but it’s the least I can do.’
‘You didn’t have to do that. But thank you.’ Mel gave her a kiss on the cheek. ‘Now off you go.’
Karin smiled, blowing her a kiss in return.
‘And remember to enjoy yourself,’ Mel shouted.
She waited to hear the front door close then poured herself a large glass of wine. Not long after sitting down to relax, she heard Will padding about in the kitchen, probably snacking on toast and jam. Thinking of her promise to Karin, she returned to the kitchen and offered him some wine, remembering that he didn’t drink, and told him that she would make pasta in a little while.
Will gave her one of his looks that shivered down her spine then went back upstairs.
4
Karin
The Friday night queues out of Leeds had died down, although there was still a weekend frenzy about the way cars jerked and swerved across the baking tarmac. It was 7.15, the evening warm and sultry. Even the buildings looked too hot, the bricks of the older ones as well as the glassier newer ones straining to stand up tall.
Crossing the city always prompted memories of when she had first arrived here. Back then all she was interested in was huddling in shop doorways and under bridges down by the canal or the River Aire. That secret part of her life, which Aaron hadn’t known anything about. Not at first. He was under the impression that Karin had answered an advert for a room to rent. Mel had preserved her secret, thankfully, knowing how ashamed Karin was about this aspect of her life. But in the end, Karin had told Aaron herself because there were so many other things she would never be able to share with him and this was one thing she could.
He didn’t even know about Louie.
Karin shifted in the passenger seat as her temperature began to rise. Yet at the same time a chill dug into her skin as the rawness of that winter, after she had run away, returned. A pop-up tent and warm sleeping bag were all that she had wished for on a daily basis. That or some money for a hostel. Apart from her phone, the bundle of letters and the clothes she was wearing, her only possessions had been a hairbrush and a worn-out toothbrush. Karin had left in a hurry, not wanting to make it look like she was leaving at all.
Afraid to go. Afraid of what might happen if she stayed.
It was her dad who always said that her hair was her best feature, so even on the streets she didn’t want it to go into matted dreadlocks, because she knew her dad wouldn’t like that. He was already dead by then, but it still mattered. Brushing her hair obsessively nine or ten times a day would often attract attention. Karin made sure she was drunk and past caring, in case the attention wasn’t the best kind, but she had Will as her protector and he kept her safe.
Whether her mother had realized it or not – more likely an oversight on her part – she had still been paying for Karin’s phone contract back then. However, unless Karin could get into a hostel to charge it up, it had been of limited use and she’d had to guard it with her life. Staring out of the car window at the passing trees, Aaron by her side at the wheel, she could, even now, remember the excitement of seeing all those messages appearing, and how quickly it would turn to guilt.
Always Louie:
Where have you gone? Please come back, let’s talk.
Never anything from her mother.
Karin had carried the bundle of letters stuffed into the waistband of her knickers. She knew it was risky hanging onto them, because they could do real damage in the wrong hands, but without them she had nothing.
She was no one.
Despite having Will, trusted friend and loyal companion, those days on the streets were the loneliest of all. She often wondered, had Birgitta been aware of her living rough, might she have given her the lump sum sooner, instead of making her wait until she turned twenty-two? Unlikely though, knowing her mother. Because the deal was that if Karin didn’t finish her schooling and go to university, the money would be stopped, with no more until today. What little Karin had left from her hotel earnings, she had given to Louie, leaving herself with just enough for the train fare to Leeds, plus a small amount besides until she found her feet again. But Karin had got drunk on the train on the way over, and then she was robbed.
Karin was pretty sure it wouldn’t have made the slightest bit of difference if she had known. Birgitta was a Swedish torpedo. That’s what her dad used to call her. He said that no one could ever stop her or change her direction. He certainly couldn’t, and Karin couldn’t either. Even as a child, Karin wondered why her parents were together; her dad was always hovering and quivering in the background. Without doubt, this sharp-pointed focus was the reason for her mother’s success as a world-class designer, but it torpedoed through everything else. Everyone else.
Karin knew it had been a mistake to start looking at those letters before setting off this evening. She had managed to ignore them until today, despite clinging to them all this time. Her own letters were wound up in that bundle too, of course. It was the bereavement counsellor’s suggestion that they write to each other after her dad died. On paper, and with stamps. So they could think about what they wanted to say to each other, before sending. Safer that way. Better than any text or email fired off in the heat of the moment. Karin had still managed to fire off, even so. And then one day all the letters were returned to her in a bulging jiffy bag, along with the words:
‘Karin,
I suggest you read back over these. I hope you have a good life, but I no longer want to be a part of it, nor you a part of mine.
Mamma (no longer).
Remember, if you come anywhere near me again, try to contact me in any way, I shall go straight to the police. Your accusation has ruined my life.
scribbled on a Svendsen business card.
Karin could recall sitting on her bed in her room at school, putting the letters in date order. ‘From Karin’. ‘From Mamma’. The word ‘love’ never came into it. Then she had tied them up and hidden them away. Since then only two people had read them.
First Louie. And then Will.
No one else ever would. Not even Mel.
Definitely not Aaron.
Throw them away, Karin.
She had bought the box when she moved in with Mel, using the date of her dad’s death as the security code. Another option would have been to use the date of her stepdad’s death, as a sort of prompt for why she shouldn’t look inside, but she decided the box alone was enough of a reminder. One of the letters was missing; she had set fire to it at school. It went up in an orange angry fireball. At a time when Karin most needed her mother’s support, she got nothing but criticism and a whole heap of deceit.
Karin didn’t blame herself for what happened. She
might be sorry, but it wasn’t all her fault.
‘You okay?’
She felt Aaron’s hand on her thigh. It pulled her back to the present and she managed a thin smile. Sweat was beading on her forehead. She lowered the window for a blast of 30-mile-an-hour air. It was enough to cool her. Aaron gave her a look; he preferred the air-con. But his expression also said that he was making allowances for her birthday.
Then he seemed worried. ‘Is it a headache coming on, Karin? Do you want me to pull over?’
‘No. No, I’m fine,’ she replied, smiling at his kindness. ‘Just hot, that’s all.’
They slowed for the next set of traffic lights. Aaron began to get agitated as they waited, his hands turning white from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. Karin wasn’t sure why, at first, until she realized that three young lads in their souped-up Ford Focus were making gestures at him. Intent on getting a reaction, they began shouting: ‘Come on, old fella. Give it some metal. Wouldn’t mind a ride of your daughter.’
‘Idiots,’ said Karin as their car sped away with a blast of exhaust. She could sense a part of Aaron wanted to take them on, checking his mirrors for a way through, but she managed to distract him by putting on his ‘Music To Drive For’ compilation, fast-forwarding through Travis and Coldplay. Karin patted him on the leg, because this was worse than not using the air-con, but it forced another smile out of him. It had taken her a long while to feel brave enough to do this kind of thing. Desperate to be his contemporary and not some alien from another generation, initially she felt obliged to like whatever he liked. Now that she knew him better she could relax and be herself, most of the time.
‘So where are we going?’ she asked as they approached signs for both the M62 and M1 up ahead. Aaron wouldn’t say, but when they turned onto the M621 she thought she might have an idea. ‘So is it Manchester? Chester? Oh God, if it’s the Lakes I didn’t pack any outdoorsy stuff.’