by June Taylor
Karin licked her spoon, to emphasize her point rather than to be seductive, no doubt, but it was having an effect on Louie. As soon as she put it down, Louie made a grab for her hands. Karin tried to pull them back, but Louie’s grip was too tight. ‘We’ll start afresh, Karin. We’ll be perfectly happy again. Maybe this break has done us some good. We can be as boring and normal as you like, if that’s what you prefer these days. I’d love that too. Get married, have kids, the whole deal.’
‘I’m engaged.’
Louie loosened her grip and Karin didn’t seem to know what to do with her hands then. They found their way to her cup, bringing it to her mouth, but she thumped it back down on the saucer without drinking anything. ‘Have you been spying on me, Lou?’
‘Has he ever asked you for money?’
‘I’m not even answering that.’
Louie took a sip of beer, feeling a cold hit at the back of her mouth. She wiped her lips, her focus on Karin throughout. ‘If you’re stupid enough to marry him, he’ll walk off with the lot. I’m just warning you. I’m trying to keep you safe.’
Karin asked for the bill. Louie hadn’t even started her sandwich yet, but she didn’t protest. She just wanted to dive across the table and kiss her, undress her, feel the softness of Karin’s skin pressing firmly against hers again, run her tongue over her breasts and put her fingers inside her, her hand pushing just below the pubic bone. Hear Karin moan and call out her name.
As she was preparing to leave, Karin fished something out of her bag. It was a cheque for £900, which she slapped onto the table. ‘What’s this for?’ asked Louie, taking a bite of her sandwich.
‘It’s for the painting. I’m afraid we can’t accept your generous gift.’
Louie managed to swallow the lump of bread she had bitten off but she hadn’t chewed it enough and it made her cough on its way down. She hit her chest as she spoke. ‘I insist. Excuse me.’
‘All I’m asking is for you to leave me alone so I can get on with my life, and you should do the same. This is your big chance, Lou. Don’t mess up.’
Louie inspected the cheque and whistled at the amount. She tore it up, sprinkling it like confetti into Karin’s face. ‘I said, it’s a gift.’
Karin slapped down a £10 note for the bill, a couple of pound coins for the tip. ‘You should chew your food more,’ she said, ‘or one day you might choke. Guess you’d like that, give yourself a thrill.’
‘Karin, wait.’ Louie grabbed her arm as she was about to go.
It revealed a seahorse tattoo on the inside of her wrist which Karin noticed but tried to pretend that she hadn’t.
‘Sit down, Karin, or I’ll tell him.’ Louie held onto her gaze as Karin slowly lowered herself back into the chair. ‘So which bit don’t you want me to tell him the most? Us in the toilets, or the bit about you killing your stepdad?’
‘Keep your voice down,’ said Karin through clenched teeth.
‘No one can hear us,’ replied Louie, wanting to kiss her again. ‘Look I know what you did. And your Swedish mamma knows too. I know everything, remember.’
Karin slapped the table with both hands. ‘What did you say?’
‘I said, I know everything, Karin.’
‘Fuck you, Louie!’ she said, scraping her chair back as she sprang up again.
Louie laughed. ‘What, right now? Here, on the table?’
Karin passed in front of the window with a sideways scowl. It was meant to be a warning, but Louie just found it sexy. After a few seconds, she sprang up too. Pushing her arms through the sleeves of her jacket, sandwich in her teeth, she shot out of the door.
Keeping a safe distance, she followed Karin through town.
28
Karin
The number six bus to Headingley had slowed to its customary crawl up Otley Road. Overheated and overcrowded, Karin wished she had jumped into a taxi. All that money sitting in her account, she could afford to do that now. She was out of the habit and it felt decadent when there was no real need.
People on the bus were staring. Louie’s words thrashed against her head. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks. Fingers were pointing.
Accusing.
Five years on, the memory is still as sharp. Her mother, running into the log cabin, yelling at her to get him down.
Go hang.
Of course, she had told him to do that. He wasn’t her stepdad; he was an imposter with no right to be there in the first place, and certainly not when her dad had only just died. How could Birgitta not mention the fact that she had married a complete stranger? That’s what he was to Karin, and waiting until the summer holidays to tell her daughter that she had a new dad, Karin, only highlighted her guilt as far as Karin was concerned.
Go hang.
It was an expression, a figure of speech. Of course, she wanted him out of the way. But that was all she meant by it.
A long queue of students was waiting to get on the bus outside the Parkinson Building. Karin watched them shuffling along, chatting about the lecture they had just been to and what pub crawl they were going on this evening in what fancy dress outfit; things she might have been a part of herself if her life had been different.
The door of the log cabin is slightly open. She can see that, and races down the garden towards it. Her instincts were right.
This is where he is.
Karin closed her eyes as the bus rumbled on and she was forced to relive the minutes before her mother got there:
The rope around his neck is hooked over the beam. His feet are resting on the steps, carefully positioned beneath them.
She hears Birgitta. Yelling at her to get him down.
But before her mother even gets there, he begins to tell Karin why. She hasn’t asked him to explain, he just offers and she listens. The reason he gives is not what Karin is expecting.
Not at all.
In those final few moments of his life, her own changes forever as she runs towards him, shrieking: ‘Just do it then, you coward. Do it! I hate you and I always fucking will.’
In a split second of fury, she kicks the steps from under him and his neck snaps. She hears it. His legs start to swing. Side to side. Like a human pendulum. He doesn’t fight it. He totally wants it and fully deserves it. A few moments later, her mother is screaming. It isn’t what she does. The sound is primal and raw and she yells at Karin to get him down.
It is too late.
It’s always too late.
‘What have you done, Karin? What have you done?’
Birgitta is there in those final moments. Hears the words Karin shrieks as she runs towards him. Sees her kick the steps away, his neck snap and his legs swing. But this is all she hears and sees. And Karin is never allowed to explain. Not that she would be believed.
‘How could you do that, Karin? How could you do that?’ her mother wails.
Karin put the key in the lock and felt her whole body collapse as the door opened. The bus journey had left her traumatized. Sweat was pouring from her brow and she was desperate to get inside.
The house felt cool. Tranquil, except for the usual creaks and groans of floorboards and pipes. She called out Mel’s name just in case she was home, but no answer came back. For a moment Karin even considered shouting for Will, despite knowing he wouldn’t be here. And if he was, he wouldn’t have heard her. She raced upstairs to check his room all the same, and then went into her own, closing the door.
Karin snapped the curtains together, began unbuttoning her shirt in an attempt to cool down. Opening the drawer, she removed the box of letters and sank onto her bed, turning the numbers on the padlock until it released. It was time to get rid of these now. How could she move on if she didn’t do that? Her mother didn’t care about her and the past had no place in the present. Certainly not in her future.
The smell of her mother wafted up from the bundle and Karin couldn’t resist putting it to her nose, until she felt brave enough to untie the knot one final time. She extracted the las
t letter she had ever received from Birgitta.
Karin
I want you out of my house, my life. That a child of mine would do such a thing. Why, Karin? Do you hate me so much?
This will never go any further, between the two of us only. However, if you come anywhere near me again, try to contact me, I shall go straight to the police.
For money you should liaise with Elliott, my accountant. He will contact you in due course and arrange for finances to be paid into your account, once you finish your schooling that is, and go to university. Note, however, that I no longer have a desire to know what you are doing nor where you are. The money will be substantial, but there will be no more once it’s gone, so use it wisely. I have paid your school fees until the end of sixth form. If you choose to leave before that, then NO MONEY will be released until your twenty-second birthday. That is your choice.
He could never replace your father, no one could, but it was a chance for me to have a life beyond him. Know that your father would be equally ashamed of you. You drove a man to take his life, accusing him of things he didn’t do. Even worse than that – I saw what you did with my own eyes, and in that moment you killed my happiness too.
One day you will know that life is short and love is complicated. If you find a person who truly loves you and you feel the same about them, then hang onto them no matter what. No matter what other people might think or say. You will know who that person is when they enter your life.
This is the last letter you will ever receive from me, Karin. I no longer want to receive any more of yours either. Any you do send will be returned unopened.
It breaks my heart to say and do these things, but you have destroyed everything in my heart and left me with nothing.
You will have this on your conscience forever more, and I shall never be able to forgive you. You must find a way to live with that. I only ever wanted the best for you, to give you the best start in life. One day I hope you will see that, although I do not need to know if you do.
Goodbye.
Karin slid off the bed and lay on her stomach, weeping into the carpet. When she had nothing left inside her, she scrunched the letter into a tight ball and raised herself up again, tossing the letter onto the bed with the others. Stumbling into the bathroom she splashed cold water on her face and then went downstairs, not even sure what she was intending to do when she got there. She wasn’t sure about anything any more. But then a noise from the kitchen suddenly stopped her in her tracks.
A banging sound.
‘Mel, is that you?’ she shouted. The dryness in her mouth made her swallow hard. She opened the kitchen door slowly. No reply came back.
Louie’s name was on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t bear to say it out loud. If it was Will, he wouldn’t hear her. She hoped it would be Will, but something told her it wasn’t.
Karin noticed the back door was open, which was strange when there was no one about. When she tried to close it again she was met with resistance, causing her to jump backwards as someone had been pushing against it on the other side.
‘Oh my god, Aaron! What’re you doing here? You scared the life out of me.’
‘Sorry, I was passing. Had half an hour to spare. The neighbours have been complaining about the fence, and with Will gone it’s not going to get done, is it? I need to put this place on the market.’
‘Oh. So – but why didn’t you answer me when I shouted earlier?’
‘I didn’t hear you. Been to fetch something from the car.’ He waved a tape measure at her. Karin was trying to remember if Aaron’s car was parked outside when she arrived home. Even if it had been she was probably too distracted to notice. ‘Plus, I wanted to see you,’ he continued. ‘I called by Ashby Road, but you weren’t there, so I figured you’d be here.’ He took hold of her hands and kissed them. ‘I’m sorry for this morning. I overreacted about the painting. And about Louie. If you’d told me all of that stuff before, then I wouldn’t have made you go to the exhibition. It all fits into place now.’ He ran his fingers over hers. ‘And I would like us to do something nice tonight.’
‘Really? But, your meeting—’
‘It’s all fine. Selling this house will release plenty of capital. I should’ve done this anyway when I got divorced, but I didn’t have the heart to turf Mel out.’ He laughed. ‘And I’d never have met you if I’d done that.’
Karin threw her arms around his neck. Why had she even doubted him? Of course he could accept that she once had a girlfriend. And why shouldn’t he know that she had tried to kill herself? Aaron was loving and caring. Conventional maybe, but not unreasonable. She had misjudged him.
‘Have you been crying?’ he asked, brushing a wet strand of hair from her cheek.
‘Oh. No, it was really hot on the bus, so I splashed some water onto my face.’ Karin sniffed, giving herself away. ‘Actually yes. A bit.’
‘Not because of me, I hope.’
‘I’m having a weird day. Started missing my mum on the bus coming home and I don’t even know why.’ Karin wasn’t sure if she did miss her, not really, but at least it was some kind of an answer. Maybe she missed the idea of a mother, but not her actual one. It was all so mixed up. ‘I just wanted her to love me, you know. It’s what mothers are supposed to do, and all I ever wanted from her.’
Aaron released her again. ‘Listen. I want to support you in every way I can. You know that, don’t you? You can talk to me.’
Karin nodded.
Didn’t he deserve to know a bit more at least? He had been honest and open with her about his divorce. After all, the two of them were going to be married at some point.
‘My mother blamed me for his suicide,’ she said.
Poor Aaron looked confused, trying to work out how Karin had come to make such a leap. ‘You mean your stepdad’s?’
‘Well yes, but I was never going to call him that. Apparently he’d been on the scene for years, supposedly friendly with my dad too. Pretty strange, if you ask me. But then when he killed himself, my mother said it was all my fault. Accused me of trying to ruin her life, that I didn’t want her to be happy. Things were said between us that can never be unsaid, and then she threw me out.’
‘Does Louie know any of this?’
‘Why?’ Karin froze.
‘Just something she said to me last night at the exhibition.’
‘Like what? What did she say?’
‘No, nothing specific. She seemed to be hinting at something, but I didn’t take the bait. I was a little taken aback to be honest. Sorry, Karin. I should never have taken you to The Midland.’
‘You weren’t to know. And anyway, it’s my fault for not telling you before. But it’s all sorted now because I saw Louie today and she’s going to back off. She gets it now, that we can’t be together.’
Aaron seemed surprised by that. Was he even aware that’s what Louie wanted?
Karin felt the blood rush to her cheeks, and tiny beads of sweat pricked through the skin above her lip. ‘We met for lunch,’ she continued, realizing that only made it worse. ‘Oh but nothing happened. Don’t worry.’
Karin! Just shut up.
She paused, giving him a moment to process her blunders, hoping he wouldn’t read too much into them. ‘But like I said, I do still want you to help her. Will you?’
He pulled away and turned his back.
‘Aaron, what’s wrong? Aaron?’
He spun round quickly again. ‘Are you sure you’re not using me as some kind of buffer against this – this former girlfriend of yours?’
‘No. No, ’course not. I wouldn’t do that. I love you. I want us to be happy, have a life together.’
The way he was staring at her made Karin doubt that he actually wanted that as much as she did now. But then he raised his finger, saying: ‘Just tell me if she bothers you again, Karin. I mean it. Just tell me.’
She nodded, desperate to change the subject. Make it about them and not about Louie.
‘Listen Aaron. I’ve been doing some thinking and I might have come up with a solution. Well, it’s just an idea really.’
He gave her a look to suggest he was listening, although he still seemed annoyed.
‘As a matter of fact, I really do have money to put into a property – to follow on from our conversation this morning. It was released on my birthday – from my mother’s accountant – and, well – why don’t I buy one of the properties you need to sell? That way I have an investment, but you can release the capital to give to your ex-wife. If we stay together, the place is ours. I mean, that’s just a precaution obviously.’
He was studying her like she might have lost her mind. ‘How much do you have?’
‘Enough.’
Aaron sat down, turning things over in his own mind. After a while he seemed to reach a conclusion and stood up. ‘Okay. Why not? It’s only office space you’d be buying. Or there’s this place.’ He looked about him to indicate he meant this house. ‘Two fifty would probably cover it.’
Karin’s phone started to ring, puncturing their excitement and causing Aaron to be suspicious again. He held out his hand to take possession of her phone. Karin felt she had no choice, extracting it from her pocket slowly, praying for it to stop ringing and that it wouldn’t be Louie. If she looked at who was calling her that would make her seem guilty, so she resisted the temptation. It was still ringing when she handed it to Aaron.
Closing her eyes was about all she could do. And wait.
‘Karin’s phone,’ she heard him say.
It was the site manager, Ron, wanting to know when he could expect her in at Ashby Road. He had a surprise for her apparently.
‘Tell him I’m on my way,’ she said, the excitement now restored to her mood. Aaron returned her phone and Karin kissed him, adding, ‘It’ll be Will, he’s come back. I’d better go.’
29
Louie
She found it surprisingly easy to talk her way in here. But if the launch was next Saturday, then she could understand their desperation for volunteers. It looked like there was still plenty to do on the place. So Louie had only to say that she was a friend of Karin’s and without a second’s hesitation the site manager had her down for garden clearance, leading her to the pyramid of rubbish piled up in the front garden waiting to be thrown into the two giant skips out on the road. One of them was already rammed with dismembered sofas, broken chairs, endless beer cans and bottles, even old stereos, fridges, heaters, and before Louie set to work she had a good root around to see if she could find anything of interest. She couldn’t.