Shrinking Violet

by Jean Ure

  We all collapsed! We just couldn’t help it. Poor Mr Spooner! He is one of our teachers at school.

  “Mr Spooner,” said Pandora, gazing at the mummy.

  Just then, Mrs Frost came over to see what we were giggling at. She must have heard what Pandora said! I could see her lips start to twitch, as if she would have liked to giggle, too. I mean, that mummy really did look like Mr Spooner! But of course, being a teacher, she couldn’t let herself.

  We all stopped giggling except for Pandora, who had only just started. The rest of us made like we were sucking on lemons. Disgraceful! Quite disgraceful!

  Mrs Frost shook her head. “Without any doubt,” she says, “you are far and away the worst bunch I have ever had to deal with!”

  After that we all went for snacks in the cafeteria then back to the station to catch the train home. And I’ve gone and forgotten every single mental note that I made! All I can think of to tell Katie is Mrs Frost saying we’re the worst bunch she’s ever had to deal with …

  Good morning! This is me. Katie!

  How are you? I think your scribble picture was really good! Some people that in the past I have tried to play it with, they have just had no imagination at all. It is no fun when people have no imagination.

  The maze that I sent you was one I did in a hurry as I wanted you to have it. I have done another one that is more difficult. I like drawing mazes. It is something I have only just started doing. I didn’t mind you saying the first one was too easy, though a maze doesn’t always have to be difficult. There are some that are just pretty. My one wasn’t but that was because I didn’t have time.

  I loved hearing about your visit to Riverside. I am just S000O envious! If I was smiled at by Tony I think I would swoooooooon. I would never recover! I knew about the little houses not being real because I read about it somewhere but I would still very much like to go and see them. If I didn’t swooooon!

  I told Mum about you not liking to be called Lil or Vi. She says she is glad. But we don’t know why you don’t like your names! Mum says they are charming and unusual. I think Violet is nice as I just happen to love violets. They are so sweet and dainty! I don’t like Lily so much. (But don’t tell her I said so!!!) I think lilies are a bit too pale and droopy. They smell nice, of course. But so do violets! Plus you can have violet chocolates. I never heard of lily chocolates!

  Here is you and your sister:

  It didn’t embarrass me, you saying how you both came out of the same egg. We have already done this at school, so it is something I know about. How silly of that girl Pandora to go red! As you say, it is only biology. She must be really weird. There is a girl in my class that is weird. She is called Shayna and she eats flowers! Our teacher once told us that you could eat nasturshums (?) and so now she eats every flower she comes across. Nothing is safe from her! Last week there was a bowl of hyercinths (?) in the hall and she picked off the top and devoured it! Mrs Glover (our teacher) says that she will make herself ill, but still she goes on doing it. Mum thinks that maybe she is feeling neglected and it is her way of drawing attention to herself. I think she is just loopy.

  I have drawn a picture for your dad of you being a toad. I will cut it out and stick it on NOW.

  I agree it is sad when you cannot do things that you would like to do. It is very frustrating. Especially when there are people that can do them that don’t particularly want to. Then you think to yourself that they do not know how lucky they are and that life is so unfair. Only I try not to think that too often as it is what Mum calls COUNTER PRODUCTIVE. Meaning: it doesn’t get you anywhere! It just makes you bitter and unsatisfied.

  No, I don’t show Mum your letters!!! No way!!! I tell her things that I think will interest her and that I think you will not mind if I tell her, like for instance about you being a twin. That sort of thing. But nothing private!

  I do like to play word games, even though I am better at the drawing ones. I worked out all the musical instruments! I will draw them for you.

  But I could only make seven words out of that word you gave me. The ones I didn’t get were: ire, rue, rein, sue, rinse. I asked Mum if she could do it and she got the same as you! She says you must be very good at English. I am afraid you will think I am rather ignorant as I had never heard of the word ire! Please don’t be shocked. I have heard of it now and I will remember it.

  Mum told me what it meant. She said it is another word for RAGE, which is what I felt last week at school when a stupid boy called Rory McArthur bashed out at another boy (Kevin Halliwell, who is his Dire Enemy) and got my friend Yasmin instead. He got her on the ear and made her cry. I know he wasn’t aiming at her, but I still felt ire. He is such a clumsy boy, and so aggressive. Poor Yasmin had to go to the rest room and lie down. Rory got a good telling off. But he will just go and do it over again. There is nothing that can stop him. He and Kevin have this hate thing, and anyone that gets in the way, well that is just too bad. BOYS. puke!

  We are on half-term! Are you? If so, are you doing anything exciting? I am just staying home with Mum but we are playing lots of games and having fun.

  Oh, you asked me about e-mails! I am afraid we do not have a computer. I am really sorry about this, Mum says we will have to get one some time but not just yet as she has too many bills to pay. I expect Arthur would get one for us if Mum told him I wanted one, but Mum always says she is not going to SPONGE. In other words, we must make do and be independent. I know she is right and I am not complaining. But meanwhile we will have to be pen pals by snail mail, if this is all right with you?

  I hope you will not mind. There are a lot of things that other people have that we do not. For instance, a video. For instance, a microwave. For instance, a dishwasher. A girl at school called Carrie Francis once asked me how we survive. She says it must be like living in the 1940s house that they showed last year on TV Did you watch it? I was like GLUED to the set, it was so fascinating. Seeing how people lived! But Carrie is just stupid to say that me and Mum live like that. We don’t! We have central heating and a television and a washing machine, just like everyone else. We are not primitive! That girl really gets on my nerves at times.

  Now for the exciting bit! I have been keeping it till last. THE PARTY!

  It was the hugest fun! It was held in a hall, and there was this DJ called Ryan who organised everything and did Prince Charles impressions. He looked just like him! It was really funny.

  There were thirty of us in all. NO BOYS. Carrie Francis arrived wearing a tall white floppy hat with asmile on it. She kept batting her eyelashes at the DJ, trying to make him fancy her. (Which he clearly didn’t!) Susanna, the one that was having the party, said she was way over the top. In the end Susanna’s mum had to step in and tell her to calm down.

  You will want to know what we did. Well, we danced a lot! The bands we danced to were S Club 7 and Steps. (Two of my favourites!) He also played “Sex Bomb” by Tom Jones, which Susanna’s dad didn’t approve of! Susanna says he is not very cool. But anyway there was nothing he could do to stop it!

  As well as dancing there were also lots of songs that you do the actions to, such as “Superman” and “Macarena” by Los Delrio. We also had a limbo contest using the DJ’s microphone stand, plus a game where there were three teams and we had to pass a balloon over, then under, from person to person. Phew! I think that DJ wanted to tire us out. Which if he did he certainly managed it, as by the end even Carrie Francis had stopped batting her eyelashes. Oh, and her tall floppy hat wasn’t tall any more! She took it off and put it on a chair while we were doing the limbo and a girl called Abbie that is rather BIG, went and sat on it and squashed it flat. So now it was a squashed floppy hat! It looked ridiculous. Well, it looked ridiculous to begin with, but after Abbie had sat on it it looked even more ridiculous. I expect it was a bit mean of me but when I told Mum about it afterwards I giggled. I said, “It looked like a hat that’s had too much to drink!” But it serves her right for saying me and Mum live like they did
in the 1940s.

  Anyway, that is all about the party. I hope you enjoyed it. Now I want to hear about your visit to the British Museum! And see how quickly you can get into my maze.

  Loadsa luv,

  Katie.

  PS Here is another joke.

  What do sea monsters eat?

  Fish and ships!

  Ho ho!

  Hi, Katie!

  You sound like you had really good fun at the party! My friend Sarah had a DJ last year but I don’t think it was the same one. I cannot remember his name, but he didn’t look like Prince Charles! I would remember if he had.

  Our visit to the British Museum was totally brilliant! We saw all these ancient old mummies wrapped up in bandages. Quite s-s-s-Scary! But very interesting, of course. Now we have to write our mummy stories. Lily says she is going to write one about a mummy that starts pouring “fountains of blood” out of his eyes. It is a mad mummy! Somehow or other it gets hold of a chain saw and starts running all about the museum sawing peoplein half. She says there are going to be “arms and legs chopped off and intestines spilling out”. You might think this shows what a great imagination she has, but in fact it was in a film we once saw, so all she is really doing is just copying.

  My story is going to be about a sad mummy. He is a mummy who is suddenly brought back to life and can’t understand where he is, or why he is shut up in a glass case with everybody staring at him. He misses his wife and children! He doesn’t realise that he has been dead for thousands of years. I will have to work out a happy ending, though, as I wouldn’t want him to suffer for all eternity.

  I must tell you that it was really funny, while we were at the museum. for starters, me and Sarah got a bit hyper on the train going there. We couldn’t stop giggling! We giggled at just about everything. Mrs Frost told us to behave ourselves or she would send us back to school, so that quietened us down a bit until we got to the museum and then, oh dear! We discovered a mummy that looked exactly like this really nerdy teacher that we have called Mr Spooner. He is very dry and withered, like a piece of old twig. Or like a mummy! If you wrapped him in bandages, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. It was Sarah that saw him first. She showed him to me, and before I could stop myself I had cried, “Mr Spooner! What is he doing here?” Everyone just collapsed into mad giggles. Even Mrs Frost nearly laughed, I saw her lips twitch! She told us that we were the very worst bunch she had ever had to deal with.

  I hope she doesn’t put it in my report!

  We are just having half-term now. A week, after everyone else! I don’t know why we always seem to have different holidays from other schools. I am not doing anything special. Lily has gone away with one of her posh friends to a cottage they have. They are going to ride ponies and go to gymkhanas, and be all hectic. I could have gone if I had wanted, but I decided I would rather just stay at home. I have lots of things to do. Such as:

  Sticking things in my scrapbook

  Sorting photographs

  Helping mum in Flora Green

  Writing to you!

  Please don’t worry about not having a computer. I would rather write real letters and don’t mind if it is snail mail. I think that girl that you told me about, Carrie Francis, was extremely rude to say how did you survive.

  Your maze that you sent me was HEAPS harder than the first one. I had to start it three times before I could find the way in. It was a really good one and I wish I could do one for you but I have tried and I can’t. So here is another word game. Can you find which flowers these are:

  Uptil Sore Drogmail

  foglevox Shopytalun

  I think the last one is quite difficult!

  Next weekend we are going to visit Little Nan and Popsy. (Popsy is what we call my granddad James.) It is Little Nan’s birthday. She will be the big six-oh. Sixty! All the family are going to be there. All my aunties and uncles and cousins. I will tell you about it.

  I have been trying to think of a joke but I can’t so here are some book titles I have made up.

  DOG’S DINNER by Nora Bone

  HOLE IN THE BUCKET by Lee King

  HOW TO GET RICH by Robin Banks (this one is my favourite!)

  Now I have to go because Mum is calling that tea is ready. Bye for now!

  xxxxxxxx Violet

  PS The Lily that Lily is named after is not a droopy one but a big Spotty thing about 5 metres tall!

  Friday morning, Lily came home from visiting Francine. Just in time for us all to go down to Nan and Popsy’s. Mum and Dad were both taking the day off work. Daphne, who looks after the shop when Mum is not there, was left in charge of Flora Green. I worried that without me and Mum she wouldn’t be able to manage, as weekends are really busy, but Mum told me to just relax and enjoy myself.

  “Talk about an old head on young shoulders,” she said.

  “She just has a strongly developed sense of duty,” said Dad, as we piled into the car. “Which is more than I can say for some people,” he added, glancing over his shoulder at Lily.

  Lily was in a sulk. Francine’s mum had brought her home, but Francine’s mum was then driving back down to the country because tomorrow there was some big horsy show or something that Francine was taking part in and Lily was dead resentful.

  “I could have taken part! I could have ridden Cobbie! Francie said I could. She was going to let me borrow him! I don’t see why I had to come to Nan’s birthday. I went last year! Why do I have to come again?”

  Mum said, “Because it’s a family thing and Nan’s going to be sixty and she would be very disappointed if you weren’t there.”

  “But all we do is play stupid games! That’s all we ever do. I could have been riding Cobbie! I bet I’d have got a rosette!”

  She went on and on about it. She said it was all right for me: “She likes playing stupid games.”

  I do like playing games, it is true, and so does Lily when she’s actually there. But she’d had such a good time with Francine I could sort of sympathise with her. She’d been riding every day. She’d helped out at the stables; she’d gone to a Pony Club meet; she’d made heaps of new friends; she’d taken Cobbie over a jump that nobody else had been able to manage; she’d only come off once – “And even then I remembered to hang on to the reins!” – and now she was thinking that instead of becoming a PA when she grew up she would enter the horsy world and ride for Britain in the Olympics.

  She told us all this in the car as we drove to Nan’s. Nobody else got a word in edgeways! It’s always the same when Lily gets obsessed. Like the time she was going to be an ice skater, and the time she was going to be a pop star. I think to be fair to her she probably will be something. I mean something with a great big capital S. It just depends which particular enthusiasm she’s got going when it comes time to leave school.

  “Francie’s mum says I have a really good seat!” bawled Lily, bouncing up and down in the back of the car and making me feel sick. “She says I can ride Cobbie whenever I want. She says I can go down there again at Easter if I like. She says I could even go h —”

  Lily stopped.

  “Go what?” I said.

  “Oh!” Lily waved a hand. “ Just … you know!”

  “Go what?” screeched it at her. Lily cringed back against the seat. “Go hunting?”

  “ didn’t say that,” said Lily.

  “You were going to!”

  “I was not!”

  “You were too!”

  “I was n —”

  “Lily and Violet!” Mum turned in her seat and thundered it at us. “Stop that! Right this minute! I don’t want to hear another word. Have you got that? Not another word!”

  Lily and I glared at each other. We sat the rest of the way in simmering silence. A few minutes ago I’d been half wishing that I’d told Katie it was me going to stay with Francine. I would have had so much to report! The only reason I hadn’t, really, was ’cos she was just staying at home with her mum and I wouldn’t have wanted it to seem like I
was boasting or anything. Now I was glad! Katie felt the same way I did about fox hunting. I’d always thought Lily did, too, but she obviously didn’t. Because she had been going to say fox hunting! She was a TURNCOAT.

  I think she must have felt a bit ashamed of herself ’cos she was nice as pie to me all weekend, and when we went to bed that first night she whispered, “You know I wouldn’t really go hunting.” I was glad that she wouldn’t but I did think she should have said something to Francine and her mum. I’d said something to Katie! And that was before I knew she was on my side. She might not have been. She might have got into a huff and never written to me again. So I just, like, grunted at Lily and pulled the duvet over my head and pretended to go to sleep. I didn’t want to hear any more about her and her horsy friends!

  When we got home on Sunday I looked eagerly at the front door mat to see if there was a letter for me, but there wasn’t. Lily said, “Are you expecting something from the Blob? Don’t tell me you’re still snail mailing?”

  “She hasn’t got a computer,” I said. “I did ask her!” I said this for Dad’s benefit. “I said we could e-mail but she said her mum’s got a lot of bills to pay and they can’t afford a computer just at the moment.”

  Lily looked at me like she wasn’t hearing right. “Can’t afford a computer!”

  “She hasn’t got a dad,” I said.

  “Why not? Where is he?”

  “I don’t know. She hasn’t told me.”

  “You mean, you haven’t asked? I would ask!”

  “That would be a personal question,” I said. “You can’t ask people personal questions. Her mum and dad might be divorced.”

  “So what? Lots of people’s mums and dads are divorced. Francie’s mum and dad are divorced. She doesn’t care who knows. I’d say straight out,” boasted Lily. “Are your mum and dad divorced? That’s what I’d say. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, it’s nothing odd. Not like not having a computer. That is just so weird! How do they live?”