by Jean Ure
One day she came home from school and said that Debbie’s dad was going to take Debbie into town on Saturday and they were going to go on the London Eye and Debbie had asked Lily if she’d like to go with them.
“Of course I said I’d have to ask my mum,” gushed Lily, beaming away as hard as she could.
“You can go on the Eye,” said Mum. “I have no objections to that.”
“Oh, how darling!” cried Lily.
Mum gave her this long look, then slowly shook her head.
“She could come, if she wanted,” said Lily. “I don’t s’ppose Debbie would mind.”
“Violet? Would you like to?” said Mum.
I would have done, quite. But I just knew that Lily was only saying it to get in Mum’s good books. She didn’t really want me.
“Just say,” said Lily. “You’ve only got to say.”
“’S all right,” I said. “I’ve got things to do.”
“Violet? Are you sure?” said Mum.
“I’ve got to write a short story,” I said.
“Oh! Well.” Lily tossed her head. “If you’d rather write a short story —”
“I’ve got to,” I said. “I promised Katie.”
I went upstairs to my bedroom, thinking that I would do it straight away, but I couldn’t even get started! I kept thinking how I could have written a story about someone going on the London Eye, and wishing that I’d said I’d go. It would have been something to tell Katie! I am so stupid at times. I really annoy myself.
Dear Violet,
I have answered all your problems! I have done some pictures to go with them.
I thought that we could also, maybe, have some funny articles. But only if you feel like doing them. If you are not too busy with all your homework! I told Mum about your homework. She said, “And a good thing too!” She really approves of your school! Ours doesn’t really have homework too much, but I do lots of things with Mum, such as working out problems and reading books together. We do that quite often.
Hey, guess what? I have been invited to THREE PARTIES! Two are people in my class and one is a girl that lives over the road. I am really excited and wondering what to wear. Mum says we will go into town at the weekend and buy something. She has promised that I will get to choose! I said, “Can I choose whatever I like?” She said, “Anything so long as it is decent.” That means anything! ’cos I wouldn’t want not to be decent, would you?
What I would really really REALLY like is this fab top I saw someone wearing, white with gold fringes, and these really swanky jeans with a sparkly belt. Oh, and some zip-up trainers! Pink ones. That is what I would REALLY like. I will tell you if I get them!!!
Must dash.
Oodles of love!
xxx Katie
PTO FOR PROBLEM PAGE.
[ANSWERS]
Dear Norah,
Do not despair! The solution is simple. FIND YOURSELF A PIN. A quick sharp JAB will soon deflate your sister’s head. Good luck!
Dear Scaredy Cat,
There are several things you can try. First off you could avoid going out on days when there is sunshine, then there would not be any shadow for you to be scared of. However, this may not always be convenient. How about suddenly spinning round and shouting “Boo!” very loudly and fiercely? That would see it off!
Alternatively you could try saying “Hi!” It might turn out to be friendly. You never know!
Dear Mouse,
Learn some kind of social skill. For instance you could:
Walk on your hands. But do make sure you are wearing clean knickers without any holes!
Juggle with plates. Though maybe oranges would be safer, just to begin with.
Belch in time to God Save the Queen. This would soon get people’s attention!
Try any of these and before you know it everyone will be desperate to talk to you!
Dear Katie,
I thought your answers to my problems were really funny! I love the idea of belching in time to God Save the Queen. I have tried doing it but I can’t belch! Lily can. She does it all the time and says it is quite easy. She has tried to teach me but all I do is gulp down air and make myself ill. Lily says I am useless. She says I have no social skills at all.
When are your parties that you are going to? I don’t know whether Lily and me will have a party this year. Last year when we had one Lily got hyper and threw Ribena all over the wall and trod on a glass and smashed the banisters. How she smashed the banisters, she was pretending to ride a horse. She was going “Giddyap, giddyap,” and kicking at the banister rails. Mum and Dad were just so furious with her! Mum said she was a vandal and Dad said she ought to live in a hole at the bottom of the garden. So I don’t know whether we will have one this year. But I want to hear all about your ones!
My news is that I am going to go on the London Eye. I think this will be quite exciting! I am going with a friend from school called Debbie. Her dad is taking us. I just hope I don’t get sick, which is what I usually do. Like one time when Dad took us on a Giant Octopus where you sat in this little pod thing at the end of a long arm, and the arm went up in the air like a big wheel and at the same time the little pod thing whizzed round and round incredibly fast. It made me feel sick as sick! I just couldn’t wait to get off. And then when I did, you’ll never guess what … I instantly threw up all over Lily! Boy, was she ever mad! But the Eye moves really s … l … o … w … I … y, so that you hardly even notice, so maybe I will be all right. I would not like to throw up over Debbie’s dad!
Here is a pattern I have done for Girlzone.
How to sew yourself a groovy cushion cover:
What you will need:
One of your dad’s shirts (if he will let you have one. If not, see if he has put one out for rags. Do not use one of his best ones!!!)
Needle and thread
Stuff for filling
What to do:
1. Lay the shirt flat.
2. Chop off the top bit, from underneath the arms. Chuck this bit away.
3. Take the bit that’s left and turn it inside out.
4. Sew the two sides together.
5. Open the buttons and turn it back the right way.
6. Stuff with rags or cotton wool.
7. Hide a dog’s squeaky toy inside and do up the buttons.
You now have a groovy cushion that will make a loud squeeeeek! when anyone sits on it. Fun for parties!
I have not tried this out as I am not very good at sewing, but I think it would be quite easy.
Anyway, we can use it if you want. We don’t have to.
Please tell me about your parties. Did you get your top that you wanted? And your jeans and the trainers?
Luv from Violet xxxxxxxxxx
PS Next I am going to do a Short story!
Dear Katie,
Here is a short story. Hope you like it.
Luv Violet
PS What happened about your sponsored walk? How many miles did you do? Tell me and we will send you the money!
BETSY BURP, by Violet Alexander
A story in 4 parts
Part 1
Once upon a time there were two sisters. One of them was called Nasturtium, the other was called Geranium. Nasturtium was known as Nasty, while Geranium was known as Gerry
Nasty was quite nasty. She could often be really mean to her sister.
Gerry was quite merry! At least, she was when Nasty wasn’t being nasty to her.
One day when the girls came home from school their mother said, “Guess what? I have just seen a notice in the Radio Times about a singing contest. It is going to be on television, in front of millions of viewers! The viewers will vote who is the winner, and they will be given a contract with a big record company and become famous overnight. Gerry, you have a nice loud voice! Why don’t you enter the contest?”
“I will!” cried Gerry. “What a cool idea! I will sing my favourite song and perhaps I will win and become famous!”
Nasty sniffed and said,
“Dream on!”
She was just jealous because her mum had not said that she had a nice loud voice. Nasty did have a loud voice, as a matter of fact, but it wasn’t very nice. Whenever she started to sing people would stuff their fingers in their ears and go “Ow!” and “Ouch!” and “This is so painful!”
But Nasty was of the opinion she had a perfectly wonderful voice. Far better than her sister’s.
“I will go in for the contest as well,” she thought. “But I will not tell her.”
Part 2
The day of the singing contest arrived. Gerry was so nervous she didn’t want to eat anything, but her mum said she must or she would feel faint.
“Nasty,” she said, “go and make your sister a sandwich.”
“Oh, if I must,” said Nasty.
Nasty made the sandwich out of hard-boiled eggs, all mashed up with salt and pepper, oil of cloves, mustard, soya sauce, tomato ketchup, and … garlic! Six whole cloves of it. Yeeeeurgh!
“Tee hee!” thought Nasty. “This sandwich will make her puke, for sure!”
But Gerry was in such a state she didn’t even notice.
“Is it all right?” said Nasty.
“Yes. Thank you. It is very yummy,” said Gerry, wondering why Nasty was suddenly being so nice to her.
After she had eaten the sandwich, Gerry and her mum left for the TV studio. On the way there Gerry came over a bit peculiar, but she thought that it was just nerves.
“Once I start to sing,” she thought, “I will feel better.”
She was going to sing her favourite song, Love ya, baby! These were the words:
Love ya, baby!
I sure do.
Don’t want her.
Just want you!
Trust me, babe!
It’s me ’n you.
She had sat up all night learning them.
When they reached the studio there were dozens of really cool kids there, all hoping to become famous. They took one look at Gerry (who by now had turned quite green thanks to the mustard, oil of cloves, soya sauce, tomato ketchup and garlic sandwich) and curled their lips.
“Look at her!” they went. “What chance does she think she stands?”
“None!” came a voice from the doorway.
Gerry turned, with a gasp. It was Nasty! What was she doing there?
Part 3
“Ha, ha,” sneered Nasty. “You didn’t expect me, did you?”
Gerry shook her head. She was beginning to feel very odd and weird.
“The minute you left I jumped into a cab and followed you,” said Nasty. “My voice is far louder than yours! I will be the pop star, not you!”
Gerry opened her mouth to say something, but all that came out was a big … BURP! Ugh, phew! The smell of garlic was so strong that Gerry’s poor mum instantly passed out with the stench.
“Tee hee!” giggled Nasty. “That will teach her a lesson!”
Nasty could not forgive her mum for putting Gerry in for the contest instead of her.
Gerry turned to her sister. She opened her mouth – and another burp came out. Yeeeeeeurgh!!! It was even stinkier than the first one. Nasty promptly joined her mum on the floor. She was out for the count!
And now all the other contestants were plopping down. All those really cool kids that had curled their lips! They were dropping like flies. The smell was too much!
Very soon, Gerry was the only one left…
Part 4
Gerry felt a whole lot better, now that she was getting rid of some of the garlic fumes. But she still couldn’t stop burping! How could she sing Love ya, baby! if she was burping all the time?
The answer was – she couldn’t! She had to think quickly. There were millions of viewers out there, waiting to be entertained. And all the other contestants were flat on the floor. It was up to Gerry!
So guess what she did? She burped her way through three whole verses of God Save the Queen! (She only knew the words to the first verse, but it didn’t really matter as she wasn’t singing them.)
Burp burp burp BURP burp burp
Burp burp burp BURP burp burp
BURP burp burp burp
Nobody had ever heard anything like it! The clapometers went mad! And of course Gerry won the contest, because who else was there?
Now she is famous. She has changed her name to Betsy Burp, and even has her own backing group … Betsy Burp and the Belchers!
THE END
Dear Katie,
I hope you liked my short story that I sent you last week. Maybe you have not had time to read it yet. I expect you are very busy going to parties.
I have been on the London Eye! I was not sick as it really does go slowly so that you hardly know you are moving. The view is amazing, you can see all over London.
Well, that is all for now. Please write back soon!
XXX Violet
PS You never said how many miles you walked but here is a cheque for the cats.
Dear Violet,
I am sorry I have not written sooner. I read “Betsy Burp” at once and it is brilliant! I nearly died laughing, and so did Mum. We think you are so clever to be able to write like that. I will do some drawings as soon as I can but I may not be able to do them for a little while. But I will do them! This is a PROMISE.
My big big huge GINORMOUS news is that I may be coming to your school in September!!! My gran has said that she will pay for me! You will probably wonder how this can have happened when I told you that my gran is proud and unforgiving and will have nothing to do with us. Well, she has changed her mind! It is so amazing! This is how it happened.
Mum picked up the phone and there she was, at the other end of it. Shock horror and wonders will never cease!!! She asked Mum if she could speak to ME. I was quite nervous, to tell you the truth. I am not usually a nervous sort of person, but I couldn’t think what I would say to her. I felt that I hated her because of the way she has treated Mum, but at the same time she is my gran and I have always wanted to have a gran. So I picked up the receiver and said “Hallo?” in what I hoped was a NONDESCRIPT way, like not cross, exactly, but not friendly, either, in case she was going to say something mean about Mum, but she didn’t. You’ll never guess what she did … she APOLOGISED!!!
She said that she was really sorry about not speaking to us all these years. She said, “I’m just a stupid stiff-necked old woman and you must try to forgive me.” So I did, which I hope you won’t think was weak of me but she is my gran and she did say sorry. To me AND to Mum. I think this may be because she is growing old and is feeling all alone in the world. She says that now we have “broken the ice” we must behave like a real family before it is too late and so she is going to come and visit with us, and then later on we are going to go and visit with her. I will tell you all about it!
After she had finished speaking to me she spoke to Mum. They were on the phone for simply ages. I heard Mum telling her all about your school and how lovely it is, and my gran said it sounded just the place for me. She said that she would get in touch immediately, and she did. The very same day! They said they have some girls that are leaving at the end of this term and they think that they will be able to take me!
I am so excited! It will be such fun! I do hope we will be in the same class, then we can sit together and do things together and be best friends. If you would like to, that is. Mum says you probably already have best friends and I mustn’t push myself in, so please say if you have and I will understand. We can just go on being pen pals if you would rather. It will still be fun. I can’t wait for September!!!
Lots and loads of love
from your pen pal, Katie
PS Thank you very much for the cheque for the cats. Please say thank you to your mum.
PPS Mum is typing this letter for me on her typewriter. I am dictating it to her! This is so it can be done quickly. Also it will be easier to read!
I was thrown into deadly panic when I got Katie’s letter. I know I should have been happy f
or her about her gran, but all I could think of was me. My stomach went blurp! and my heart went thunk. I was filled with a bottomless pit of total despair. I knew that if I told Mum – “Katie’s coming to my school!” – she would say, “Oh, isn’t that lovely?” But it wouldn’t be lovely! It would be a disaster! She would discover how dim and nerdy I was and how it was Lily and not me that went to parties and had been on the Eye and had best friends. She would utterly despise me and never want to talk to me again. She might even team up with Lily! I didn’t think I could bear it if she did that.
I had to write to her immediately.
Dear Katie,
I am really happy that you liked my story. I will look forward to seeing the pictures but I quite understand if you are too busy at the moment.
I was surprised to hear about your gran paying for you to come to my school! I don’t think you would like my school very much. For a start (I may have told you this before) it is absolutely TITCHY. We don’t even have our own playing field, and for swimming we have to go to the local baths. Also there is no sixth form. I think maybe your gran does not realise this and if she did she would not want to send you there.
Mum said about it the other day that it was “a snotty little school”. I think if you are used to going to a real school you would find it rather piddling. It is not really posh. I mean it is not where members of the Royal Family would go. It is just three ancient houses knocked together, and the teachers are quite ancient also. Like some of them have been here since practically Victorian times, I would think. They are not in the least bit cool!