by Robert McKay
“I’m sorry, I don’t have any money. My friend is already inside, I just haven’t been able to find him yet.” Alice scanned the room, but still didn’t see any signs of Cheshire.
“I wish I could make an exception, honey, but you’ll have to wait outside for your friend. What’s he look like? If I see him, I’ll tell him you’re outside.”
She couldn’t risk waiting outside for long, but maybe the waitress would spot him soon. “Alright, his name’s Cheshire. He’s about my height, with gray fur. His head looks like an ordinary cat, but he tends to grin a lot—”
“He’s a grinning fool, our Cheshire Cat,” came a booming man’s voice from behind her. “And any friend of Cheshire’s is a friend of ours. We’ll put anything she wants on our tab, Violet.”
“Very well, Seamus,” said the waitress with a smile and a nod. “What will you have, dear?”
Alice turned and found a man standing behind her in the brightest orange suit she’d ever seen. His skin looked black in the dim lighting and his eyes were the lightest brown she’d ever seen, almost yellow. On his head was a dark purple, oversized top hat. A bright yellow scarf was wrapped around it and trailed down his back. His wide smile showed teeth that were straight and such a bright white they glowed in the black light. All of the crazy color mixing should have made him look ridiculous, but somehow he pulled it off.
“Um, I don’t really know what to have, I’ve never been to Wonderland before,” she said, more to Seamus than to the waitress.
“Well, let’s get her a spot of Tea then, Violet. You can’t come to Wonderland and not have some Tea.” He gestured for Alice to follow him, and handed her a handkerchief and a small mirror he pulled out of his pocket. “You may wish to clean yourself off a bit. You look positively a fright with that blood on your face.”
Alice looked in the mirror and gasped. Her escape had splashed so much blood on her face that her skin appeared to be a dark red color except for a few splotches of white around her nose. That put her conversation with the bouncers at the door and the waitress into a whole new light. There was something really off about a world where nobody commented on a girl covered in blood. The man in the top hat had at least given her something to clean up with if he hadn’t asked her if she was hurt. She did her best to clean herself off with a little spit and the handkerchief as she followed him to his table. If the man and his friends tried to hurt her, she still had Snicker-snack at her side and a promise from Dee and Dum to come to her rescue.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“Please do have a seat,” said Seamus, his blinding white grin still in place. He took a seat at the head of a large table along one of the walls of Tea Time.
The table was more dimly lit than the already poor lighting in the rest of the place. There was a small shape moving on the table near a tea kettle, and a couple of other small figures in chairs. Alice eyed the figure behind the tea kettle warily. She was fairly certain she saw a small body and a long tail. “Is that a mouse on the table?”
“Ugh, why do people always think that?” said a small voice. “I’m a dormouse.” The small shape scurried forward to the edge of the table where it gripped its tail and held it forward. “See all the beautiful fur on the tail? So much prettier than those ugly naked things on my cousins.”
Not only did the dormouse have fur on its tail, it wore a full outfit befitting a pirate, from a doublet and a white shirt, to the pointed hat and tiny sword belted across her back. It wasn’t the usual pirate way to wear a sword, but it made sense with her need to run on all fours. While there wasn’t much to distinguish her sex in her looks, her voice was decidedly feminine.
“My apologies, I couldn’t see you well back there in the dark. You’re clearly a dormouse,” said Alice, offering her finger to the small creature by way of a handshake. “I’m Alice.”
“Oh, yes, I forget you humans have terrible night vision compared to us dormice. Apology accepted.” She took Alice’s finger in her paws and shook it quite vigorously for a creature so small. “I’m Lyla.”
“Nice to meet you, Lyla.”
“Likewise,” said the dormouse, scurrying back to her spot near the kettle.
Now that she knew what she was looking for, Alice could see a dormouse sized table and chair sitting near the kettle with a tiny tea set sitting on it. It really said something about the state of her life at the moment that meeting a talking dormouse didn’t really surprise her. Seamus watched her with an amused expression and something resembling recognition in his eyes, which was strange because Alice was quite certain she would have remembered meeting a character such as him before.
“Alice, is it?” said Seamus, taking off his hat and inclining his head. “A pleasure to see you again, my dear.”
Alice frowned. “But we’ve never met before.”
“Which is why I didn’t say a pleasure to meet you again,” said Seamus. “As you heard Violet say, my name is Seamus, though most people tend to know me better as the Mad Hatter.”
It seemed silly to argue with someone who just identified himself as mad, but Alice couldn’t help herself. “Unless you were at the queen’s party tonight, I highly doubt you’ve seen me before.” She immediately regretted having said that. She looked over her shoulder, expecting to see card guards pouring in through the heavy metal door that Dee and Dum guarded.
“Oh, dear Alice, I must beg your pardon, I’m being rather unintentionally obscure again. I’ve never looked upon you with my eyes, but I have seen you in my Sight.” Seamus closed his eyes, bowed his head and placed two dark fingers to his temple.
“Are you trying to tell me that you’re psychic, and that you’ve seen me in your psychic visions?” asked Alice, a smile coming to her face at finding that she could still be surprised after all.
“To be perfectly plain and boring about it, yes,” said Seamus, opening his strange amber eyes and fixing her with his gaze.
Everything he was saying seemed to be plainly mad, and his almost glowing eyes were unnerving, but he really didn’t seem to be out of his mind. Alice decided to go ahead and take a seat at the table across from what increasingly looked like a pair of rabbit ears. “Well, thank you for being plain and boring. It’s hard to get a straight answer around here from anyone.”
“Yes, Wonderland is decidedly crooked,” said the ears across the table, and then they giggled a small electronic sounding giggle.
“Don’t mind March, he delights in puns,” said Seamus. “Stand up and meet our guest, March.”
A small head popped up beneath the rabbit ears. They weren’t typical rabbit ears by any stretch of the imagination. They were a shiny silver color, perhaps made of metal, though they did bend and flex as their owner cocked his head and then hopped across the table to greet Alice. The rest of the rabbit looked normal, if a large talking rabbit could be considered normal. His fur was the standard brown of the rabbits that Alice often saw running through the field around her house. He didn’t wear pants or a shirt, but he did have on a jacket and tie. “Hello, Alice, as Seamus said, my name is March. And before you start calling rabbit, I’m a hare. The longer feet give it away.” He thumped one of his large feet heavily on the table causing everything on it to rattle.
“Pleased to meet you Mister March Hare,” said Alice.
“Yes, I’m quite sure you are,” said March, giving her a hare’s version of a grin. His voice was small and had a hint of an electronic trill to it.
“If I’m being rude,” said Alice, “I apologize, but are you an electronic hare?”
"No," said March, shaking his head, "Electronic implies that someone created me from scratch. I was born to a mother just like you and Seamus were. I was in an accident when I was just a wee lad. One of the queen's drivers ran me down in the street while she was in the car. They didn't so much as hit the brakes. If it weren't for old Seamus here, I'd have been just another bit of roadkill on the streets of Wonderland.
Instead, I got these shiny new synthetic ear
s and more than a few titanium bones and other electronic bits inside me. The result is that I'm faster and stronger than I ever was before. So, that makes me a bionic hare, rather than an electronic one."
"Oh, you are too kind to me March," said Seamus, placing a hand over his heart. "I only did what any decent inventor and engineer would do in the circumstances. You needed a few new parts to live and I had a few parts to give."
"Decent my fluffy tail," replied March, shaking a fist at the hatter. Seamus looked politely embarrassed. It seemed almost like a practiced expression, as if they'd had this same conversation a hundred times before. "You're a bloody genius and you full well know it. Why else would the queen have commissioned you to make a sword?"
"You made a sword for the queen?" asked Alice, her hand automatically going to the hilt of Snicker-snack.
"No," said Seamus, a wicked grin spreading across his face. "I made a sword in her employ. The sword itself was made for someone else entirely. Someone quite special. The queen should have been more specific when she gave her orders to me."
"So, you did make a sword, that the queen paid you for?" asked Alice, one brow raised.
"Yes," said Seamus simply.
"But, it wasn't for her?"
"Exactly," said Seamus. "I'd never make something for that evil hag, especially after what she did to poor March here."
"I don't quite follow," said Alice, frowning. She'd learned not to argue directly with the people in Wonderland about what did and didn't make sense. It was easier just to ask questions. "How did you make a sword that wasn't for her?"
"That my dear is quite a complex question that would take me days to explain technically to someone who has no knowledge of nanotechnology," said Seamus, nibbling on a cracker and taking a sip of his Tea.
"How about non-technically?" asked Alice.
"Oh, that's quite simple then. I gave her quite an outrageously picky attitude.”
Alice looked at Seamus skeptically. Swords didn't have attitudes, picky or otherwise. Everyone in Wonderland was most certainly mad. It was at that point that she realized that the sword was singing to her in the sweetest way. There were no words or instructions, just a steady stream of admiration and love. Alice smiled slightly and thought a question in the direction of the sword, and it responded very positively, so she rephrased the question and asked the hatter. "Did this sword you made have a name?"
The hatter clapped and tilted his head back, letting go a laugh of unfettered glee. "Oh yes, of course she did, all good swords should have a name and she is the best of swords, so I gave her the best of names."
Alice nodded and gripped the sword tightly, it responded by urging her to continue. "What is her name?"
Again, a cackle from the hatter, worthy of a straitjacket. He waved his right arm back and forth in a decisive slashing movement. "Snicker-snack!" he chortled.
"I knew it!" shouted Alice. "That's what she was trying to tell me. She was trying to tell me that you made her."
"Oh dear, I guess Wonderland has claimed another for the mad house," said Seamus, bringing his hand up to bite his knuckle. "I do hope that Violet comes around with the Tea soon, it really does help."
"I'm not mad," hissed Alice, her excitement at having found the sword's maker momentarily forgotten.
"Oh, it takes one to know one my dear, and if you think you saw the vorpal sword, you are truly barking. The queen keeps it locked up in her most secure vault. I doubt even Cheshire could get in there to catch a glimpse of it."
"That's a bunch of dog crap and you know it, Hatter!" called a distinctly feline voice from somewhere to Alice's left. She'd been antagonized by it enough to know it was the Cheshire Cat. "I can steal anything, from anywhere!"
Seamus took a sip of his Tea ignoring the apparently invisible cat, and then, looked down at it as if he had just noticed it was there. He slid the cup and saucer over to Alice. "Here, drink it, it will help keep the madness at bay. I've had quite a bit already this evening."
"I am most certainly not mad!" shouted Alice. She reached down to her side and yanked Snicker-snack from her scabbard. She expected the sword to bang into the table with a loud clatter that would suit her mood. Instead, it sliced right through the table without the slightest resistance. Everyone stood there and gaped until the clatter of the kettle falling in half broke the silence.
"Well, if you're not mad, why did you cut the bloody table and kettle in half?" prodded Lyla the dormouse in an irate squeak.
"Oh, Alice, she finally found you," exclaimed the hatter, a look of pure elation on his face. He barely spared a glance for the table which was now bowing in the center as a result of the cut. His full attention was on the sword. "It's so good to see her again. Might I touch her so that I can hear her sing?"
Despite her protests, hearing a sword sing and talk in her head had started to make her question her sanity. To hear Seamus ask to hear her sing came as quite a relief. "Of course you may, Seamus. You made her after all," said Alice.
Seamus stood up and stepped gingerly around the table. "Careful now Alice. Our girl here could cut any one of us in half as easily as that table. The key is your intent. If you don't wish to do me harm, the sword won't, but she's not terribly subtle. Even the slightest bit of resentment or fear could make her quite a nasty little biter."
"But I didn't intend to cut the table or the kettle," argued Alice.
"No, I don't suppose that you did." Seamus grinned and his bright amber eyes glinted and he raised a finger in the air. "But you were annoyed and probably wanted to cause a ruckus, didn't you?"
Alice nodded reluctantly. "I was being a bit of a child, wasn't I?"
"Oh, don't fret over that," said Seamus stepping up close to Alice, his brilliant eyes smiling. "I can be quite a child myself from time to time. The important lesson here is that while you hold the sword, you must be very careful of your emotions. You could do great harm before you realize what it is you've done."
Alice lowered the tip of the sword carefully, trying to keep her thoughts as calm and collected as possible. These people and animals seemed to be friendly enough. They'd let her stay inside Tea Time and out of the queen's clutches. Maybe they would even help her figure out how to get to The White Rabbit.
The sword came into contact with the surface of the table and this time it rested there without cutting through the wood. Seamus nodded encouragingly and held out his hand. Alice passed the hilt of the sword over to him gently and sighed when the song of the sword left her mind.
"Ahhh," cooed Seamus, his eyes drooping closed. "It's been a long time my friend. I'm so glad you found the one I made you for."
"But, we only just met," said Alice. "As a matter of fact, I think you may have made the sword before I was even born." She looked up at the hatter and waited for him to start spouting madness again.
"True enough on both accounts, but neither fact does anything to contradict what I said." The hatter's eyes flicked open. They were fogged over, leaving them almost entirely white. "This sword as I designed it can only be wielded by one person. A singular being who is meant to accomplish much in her lifetime. She will bring peace and dignity back to Wonderland and Snicker-snack will dance at her side. She will smite the wicked and inspire nobility in those whose lives she touches. And as I can see now, her name shall be Alice."
The March Hare finally seemed to rouse from his reverie and stared over at Alice. "Wait, Seamus. Are you saying this little slip of a girl is the one you designed the vorpal sword for all those years ago?"
"I am, indeed," said Seamus, his eyes returning to their usual unsettling shade.
"So she will slay the Jabberwock?" asked Lyla, peeking from behind the remnants of the tea kettle.
"And any who stand in her way," agreed Seamus.
"Well, then," said Lyla, drawing her tiny sword and holding it in the air. "Let me be the first to pledge my sword to help you in any way that I can. That foul Jabberwock burned the tree that my family was in. If I weren't
out foraging at the time I would have gone with them. I curse the powers that be every day for that cruelty, and then thank them for being given the opportunity to avenge my family."
"Aww, you poor thing," said Alice, looking down at Lyla.
"Don't you dare pity me because I'm 'small and cute'. I'm a warrior like the rest of my family was and I'll cut out your pretty eyes and use them as decoration."
It didn't seem the right time for Alice to argue that she only felt sorry because a fellow creature had lost their family, so she just said, "Duly noted."
"Hmmph," said the dormouse, nodding emphatically.
Alice couldn't be sure, but it seemed to be a nod of approval. "I'd be glad to have you fighting at my side."
"Oh-ho-ho, and fight you do, Alice," said Seamus, eyeing the vorpal sword. "Snicker-snack was just explaining to me that you enjoy cutting hands off. She quite enjoys it herself."
"I don't enjoy cutting hands off," said Alice, the bright spray of scarlet gushing from Karl's stump flashing before her eyes.
"Well, then whatever did you do it for?" asked Seamus, just then injecting a tone of disapproval, as if cutting hands off were a perfectly fine hobby, but a deplorable thing to do if you weren't enjoying it.
"He was trying to take me somewhere," said Alice, her body shuttering involuntarily.
"Note to self," said the hatter seriously. "Avoid taking Alice places unless you want to lose a hand."
"No, no, no," said Alice, sighing with frustration. "He was trying to abduct me. I think he meant to hunt me…” she said, avoiding the glances of the two non-humans at the table. “Like an animal.”
"The scoundrel!" shouted all three of the visible people at the table and Cheshire from somewhere toward the other end.
"He's lucky you only took his hand," added Lyla. "I'd have used a more final form of retribution, if you know what I mean." She drew a line across her throat with one tiny claw.
Alice smiled, glad to hear that not everyone in Wonderland thought what he’d planned to do was acceptable. "Thank you, Lyla, and the rest of you as well."