by J. H. Croix
Mack
Days, nights, and weeks kept passing. Every single one of those nights found me tangled up in bed with Ash. The pressure of keeping a secret I didn’t want to keep was starting to feel heavy. Meanwhile, something else was happening.
All those years of finding it easy to keep things casual had me thinking I could manage this. If I was a master of anything, it was friends with benefits. It worked for me. No complications, keep it casual, and don’t worry about it. I told myself that was how it should feel with Ash.
But it didn’t. Not even a little. From the very first night I’d given in to the flames flickering between us, it was more. So much more.
I watched Ash play one night in Asheville. Most of our friends were there, and I’d had to batten down my reaction. Because watching her perform was seeing her without the walls she kept up. Every cell in my body felt electrified when her throaty voice rang out at the end of a song. And yet, I couldn’t do anything about it then. I’d had to wait until she opened the door to her cabin hours later.
The thrum of my need for her began to take on more intensity, more meaning, and more resulting confusion now that we were home. Home was filled with memories. Every time I turned around, memories slapped me right across the face.
When Evie looked over her shoulder, laughing at something I said one night in the staff kitchen at the lodge, her smile looked so much like Krista’s that it felt like a jagged piece of metal driven into an old scar. There were so many landmarks I passed almost daily, each one of them holding a memory.
I had broken down the details of that day and that roughly ten-minute timeframe a thousand times in my mind. When you work as a first responder, you’re constantly breaking down contingencies and making fast decisions. It was a habit for me. Every time I broke down the contingencies of that situation, there was no factor I could change that meant Krista lived in the overall equation. But the intellectual details were irrelevant in the emotional aftermath. My mind and my heart would never come to an agreement.
In my heart, I had failed. That was why I was terrified of falling for Ash or anyone for that matter. Yet I was oddly resigned because it was already happening. I’d stumbled and lost my balance completely. My fingers were slipping off the edge of control I was trying to cling to, yet it was far too late, and I was falling at a breathtaking speed for Ash.
While I was wrestling with my own ghosts, I was also frustrated with Ash and how hard she tried to pretend all we had was sex between us. When we were together at night, it was as if a cocoon sheltered us from the rest of the world and reality. The moment the sun broke through the darkness, she all but kicked me out and treated me the same way she treated everyone else.
About six weeks after we’d gotten back to Stolen Hearts Valley, I went with Jackson and a few of the other guys on the crew for a climbing workout. As bad luck would have it, Jackson came knocking on Ash’s cabin door before I left.
Ash had given me her usual wide-eyed look whenever she worried anybody might notice anything. Masking my frustration, I shrugged. “Just having coffee, Ash. Not a crime.”
When she opened the door, I called out, “Hey, man. Had to grab some coffee from Ash before I met you. My coffee’s only adequate. Hers is incredible.”
Jackson stood in the doorway in a pair of fitted climbing shorts and a T-shirt. He shrugged as he stepped through the door. “You aren’t known for your kitchen skills,” he offered with a hitch of his brows and a grin.
“Definitely not.” I took a swallow of my coffee, my eyes tracking Ash as she nervously twisted a lock of hair around her finger.
“What’s up?” she asked, her voice a little too forced and cheerful.
Jackson stopped at the edge of her kitchen counter and rested a hip against it. “Just stopped by to say hey. I was on my way to grab Mack, so it’s handy he’s here. I only have to knock on one door. We’re headed up for a climb. Can you handle any emergencies at the clinic?” he asked, his eyes on Ash.
“Of course. You know I was doing vet work while I was traveling with the rodeo, right?”
“I know. Not doubting your skills, just making sure you’re comfortable with it and feeling like you’re back in the swing of things,” he replied.
Ash lifted her coffee cup off the counter. “I know, I know. Didn’t mean to get defensive.”
“Good, because there’s no need for that. I’m so damn happy you’re back. You have no idea. And it’s not just because of the vet clinic.”
Ash smiled, leaning over to bump him lightly on the shoulder with her fist. “I know. I’m glad to be here. Go have fun with your climbing and don’t you even worry about the clinic. I have it totally covered.”
“Awesome.” Jackson’s gaze shifted to me. “You ready to roll?”
I stood from the table, draining the last of my coffee. “Absolutely.”
Just as I was trying to decide if I should put the cup in the sink, Ash pushed away from the counter and reached for it. “I’ll take that.”
“Thanks for the coffee.” I wished I could kiss her goodbye for the day, but that was not an option. Most definitely not in front of Jackson.
An hour or so later, I paused along the trail and glanced at Wade who was right behind me. “This way, right?”
Wade looked in the direction I was pointing, which was a narrow, not very well-traveled trail, an offshoot from the main trail we were following into the mountains.
“Think so,” Wade said with a quick chuckle. “Your memory’s better than mine.”
Jackson caught up with us. “Mack was always the smart one in school. His memory is like a fucking steel trap.”
“It’s not that good. Things just stick in my brain.”
Lucas, who was bringing up the rear, stopped beside us where we were clustered on the trail. “Yeah, this is the one. It leads to a great climbing face. Not too busy either.”
“Alright, lead the way,” Jackson said with a nod in my direction.
The narrow trail eventually widened and offered a vista out over Stolen Hearts Valley. I paused and just absorbed the view. The Blue Ridge Mountains were home for me. Despite the ghosts of one memory crowding my thoughts, it was good to be here. My soul felt settled here in a way I didn’t feel no matter where else I was.
The rising sun illuminated the bright, clear sky over the mountains. Turning around, I saw Lucas and Jackson already tugging climbing gear out of their backpacks. Wade was busy chowing down on a breakfast bar.
“Give me some of that,” I said as I strode to stand beside him.
He promptly broke it in half and handed me half. “Ash didn’t feed you breakfast?” he teased.
Aw, fuck. I knew by the look in Wade’s eyes that he knew something was up with Ash and me.
He winked. “Don’t worry, I won’t say anything. Dani’s the one who noticed. You know she gets to the restaurant every day before five.”
I stuffed a giant bite of the breakfast bar in my mouth and nodded. After swallowing, I replied, “Thanks for keeping it quiet.”
The four of us settled into an easy rhythm of climbing. This particular cliff face was high enough and wide enough for several routes for climbing. Wade and I paired up for the first hour or so, and then we switched out, and I paired with Jackson.
I didn’t sense any shift in his attitude toward me, which was why my jaw nearly came unhinged as he was helping me organize the ropes after our last climb. Lucas was busy belaying while Wade rappelled down.
“So what’s up with you and Ash?”
Jackson wasn’t even looking in my direction when my head whipped around to look toward him. He lifted his eyes just in time to see me with my mouth wide open.
“Oh, fuck,” he muttered.
“What do you mean?” I finally asked in return.
Jackson straightened with a length of climbing rope in his palm as he began to wind the line into a tidy figure eight. “I’m not stupid, Mack. I know you’ve been staying at her cabin. That’s not counting me running int
o you there this morning.”
I took a breath, my cheeks puffing out before I let it go. Leaning my head back, I stared pointlessly at the sky, idly noticing clouds gathering. Any minute now, the sun would be blotted out. It looked like a thunderstorm was on the way sometime this afternoon.
Leveling my eyes with Jackson’s again, I said, “Ash doesn’t want me to say anything. That wasn’t my preference.”
A muscle clenched in Jackson’s jaw. Although I’d known the guy forever, he had a damn good poker face. I wasn’t even sure if he was angry. Not at first.
“I know Ash would kick my ass if she heard I had an opinion about this, but what the fuck?” He finished winding the climbing rope, and his fist curled around it tightly as he stepped closer. “She’s been through enough, Mack.”
Okay, so he was angry. I could deal with that. Nodding, I straightened my shoulders. “I know. It’s not what you think. If you need to hit me, go ahead.”
Jackson rolled his eyes. “I’m only going to hit you if you hurt Ash. I’m not an idiot, but I am fucking pissed. And what the hell do you mean it’s not what I think?”
Just then, Lucas’s voice came from behind us. “What’s up, guys?”
“Mack’s got a thing going with Ash, and he couldn’t be bothered to tell me about it,” Jackson said, his voice low and controlled.
I felt Lucas stop beside me and slid my eyes sideways. His alert gaze bounced from me to Jackson and back again. “I don’t have an opinion on this, but if y’all are going to fight, maybe we should do it where one of you can’t fall off a cliff,” he said, his tone dry.
Wade approached, draining a water bottle before looking amongst us. He met my eyes, a knowing look in his. He blessedly remained silent.
“We’re not gonna fight, but Mack better tell me what he means,” Jackson said flatly, his gaze trained on mine.
Fuck me. Ash was going to kill me. But I wasn’t going to lie to her older brother who also happened to be one of my best friends.
I took a breath before replying, “I like Ash. She means something to me.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Jackson countered. “Do you want to be serious with her? Did you even think about the fact that she just got out of a relationship?”
Anxiety churned in my gut. I knew Jackson’s questions were, well, logical. The problem was I didn’t have all the answers.
I stared back at Jackson for a beat and then simply told the truth. “Look, I didn’t plan this. All I know is she means a lot to me. I would’ve told you sooner, but she got pissed off when I suggested it.”
Jackson let out a muttered curse. “You’d better not fucking hurt her.” He turned and started stuffing the climbing gear in a backpack.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ash
Resting my hips against a stool, I watched as Dani rolled a ball of dough into a thin sheet and began cutting it into triangles. She spooned filling into them before twisting them closed.
“Want some help?” I asked.
Dani glanced up, dragging her wrist across her forehead to get an errant curl out of her eyes. “Nope. I got it. I’ll be done in just a minute. Just making enough for us back here. You can get me a glass of wine,” she added with a quick grin.
“Coming right up.” I stood and strode over to the counter running along the wall where there was a wine rack underneath. “White or red?” I called over my shoulder.
“I’ll take white. It’s been so hot today.”
I snagged a glass and a bottle of white wine before returning to the table. “Know who else will be joining us tonight?” I asked as I filled her glass and returned the cork to the bottle.
“It’s always mix or match. I figure the guys will be here. Wade texted me that they’re on their way back from the climb. No wine for you?” she asked when I sipped the glass of water I’d gotten earlier.
I shrugged. “Nah. My stomach’s been a little weird the past few days. I know it’s old news around here, but you and Wade, huh?”
Dani put the last pastry on a baking tray and looked over at me. Her cheeks pinkened slightly with her smile. “Yeah, me and Wade.”
“That was a long time coming.”
Walking across the kitchen, Dani slid the tray of pastries in the oven. She pulled out another tray and returned to the large stainless-steel table where she was working. Setting it down, she replied, “It was, but we had to get there the way we did.”
“I’m happy for y’all. Really. How are things?”
“With me and Wade?”
“Yes. I want to hear all the good stuff.”
Dani flushed a deeper shade of pink and laughed softly. “Things are actually really great. We’re looking to find a house and move away from the lodge, hopefully soon.”
“You’re still going to run the kitchen, right?” I teased.
Dani laughed again. “Of course. You and Jackson are stuck with me forever. We just need more space.”
“Works for me. What are those?” I asked, pointing a finger toward the tray of pastries cooling on the table between us.
“Ham pinwheels. Help yourself.” She reached for a napkin from the center of the table and put one on it before handing it over. “Careful, it’s hot.” I set it on the table to give it a minute. “Now, how are you and Mack?” she asked, taking me entirely off guard.
I hoped like hell I didn’t blush too hard. I took another swallow of water to buy myself a little time. Shrugging, I replied, “I’m fine. Mack is fine. We had a good trip.”
Dani drummed her fingertips on the table. “Your arm looks good.” Her eyes flicked down to my forearm where I’d been burned.
Glancing down, I trailed a fingertip over the pink and freshly healed skin. “Yep, it’s all healed.”
Dani stared at me for a moment, her perceptive gaze making me want to squirm. Even though I didn’t want to say it out loud, I knew that she knew something was up with Mack and me. I traced my fingertip around the rim of my glass, prepared to wait her out. I didn’t have to wait too long.
“All right, I’ll just say it. I know Mack’s been staying at your place. I’ve seen him leaving several times in the morning.”
“Oh hell,” I muttered. “You’re not gonna buy that he was just there for coffee?” Oh, how I wished she would, but Dani was no fool.
Dani rolled her eyes. “Uh, no. Plus, there’s a vibe.”
Leaning my head back, I stared at the ceiling for a moment before bringing my eyes back to hers. “Does Jackson know? Have you said anything to anyone?”
“Of course not. Well, I did mention it to Wade, but he won’t say anything. He might give Mack some hell about it, but that’s it. I swore him to secrecy. Him getting laid as much as he wants relies on him honoring my wishes,” she offered with a sly smile.
I burst out laughing at that. “Of course it does.” I sighed. “Why can’t anything stay private around here?”
Dani shrugged. “I get it. Even though I’m the one calling you out on Mack, I’m trying to do you a favor before rumors get out. I tried to keep things quiet with Wade, and it wasn’t very successful. But seriously, what’s the deal with you and Mack?”
In a way, I was relieved Dani knew because I needed someone to talk to. Dani was a good friend and as solid as they came. “When we saw each other again, there was some serious chemistry. I’ll be the first to tell you it surprised the hell out of me. As long as I’ve known Mack, there was never a spark. We weren’t like you and Wade where we had a thing in high school. I tried not to do anything about it, but that was a total fail. I think we both thought it would burn out.”
“Let me guess. It hasn’t,” Dani said with a wide grin.
“Oh, no. He’s, um, pretty great in bed.”
Dani threw her head back with a laugh. “I bet he is.”
I started twirling a lock of hair nervously around my finger before dropping it quickly. “I’m being stupid. I always fall for the wrong guys, and Mack is not long-term material.”<
br />
Dani shrugged. “He’s a great guy. Maybe it’ll work out with you two. Is that what you want?” she asked, going dead serious so fast it put me on notice just how unsettled I was inside.
“I don’t know what I want. I don’t want to be stupid, and I’m tired of making bad decisions. Everything blew up with Brian, and then I got involved with Kyle. He was cute, but let’s just say his talents in bed didn’t live up to the zing. I got tired of being a side piece, for lack of a better way to put it. I was an idiot. I don’t know why I thought I could do the stupid friends-with-benefits thing. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it doesn’t suit my personality.”
“Kyle was an asshole,” Dani said flatly.
I sighed. “I know you mean well, but that just kind of makes me feel like shit,” I said softly, fighting the wave of shame that rolled through me.
Dani practically ran around the table between us and pulled me into a tight and fierce hug. “Oh, honey,” she said as she stepped back. “I didn’t mean it like that. I get it. I’m protective of you, and I didn’t like the way he treated you, even if he didn’t want to be serious. I want someone to love you exactly how you should be loved because you’re my friend and you deserve to be treated better. That’s all.”
“It’s good to be home,” I commented.
“Of course it is. We all missed you.”
The door from the hallway in the back opened, and Shay came walking in. “Hey y’all,” she called.
“Hey,” Dani and I returned in unison.
“Do you happen to know what time the guys are getting here?” Dani asked as she turned away to check on the oven.
“Jackson just called. Probably a half hour. I guess they have a meeting at the station. They’re reviewing the on-call schedule.”
Shay slipped onto a stool across the table from me. “Is there more wine?”
Dani called over her shoulder,” Of course! You know where the glasses are.”
Shay hopped up again and strolled over to the counter along the wall, fetching another glass. Once she was seated again and filling her wine glass, she looked over at me. “So, when were you planning to tell us?”