by J. H. Croix
Walking through the trees in the darkness, I tried to calm myself. Jackson had called to say everyone was safe, but it would be a while before they got back. I thought about my conversation with Shay and Evie. I was falling for Mack, and I was panicking. I didn’t want him to think I had expectations. I didn’t want to make the same mistake I made before. Although it was the naked texts that I never wanted to see that blew my wedding up, one detail was burned in my brain. It played on a loop in my thoughts in the aftermath of calling off my wedding.
Brian told me he wasn’t ready, and he’d only asked me to marry him because he felt pressured. By me. When I protested and told him I never said I wanted him to ask me to marry him, he reminded me that I gushed about other weddings and about what I wanted for our wedding. I had done that and had wanted us to get married. I’d been impatient and didn’t really know why in hindsight.
Like so many girls in high school, my self-esteem slipped and stumbled. It fell even further in college. It didn’t really matter why. I’d craved feeling wanted enough. After everything fell apart so spectacularly with Brian and swearing I didn’t want to get serious, I just had to go and get a little crush on Kyle, player and friends-with-benefits extraordinaire. I thought I could be cool and deal with it.
In all honesty, I’d never even come close to falling for Kyle. He was too immature and impressed with himself for that. I had, however, learned the casual scene wasn’t a good fit for me. My pride alone had kept me from coming home.
It hadn’t helped matters at all that my fiancé ended up marrying the very woman who’d sent me the naked texts. Thank God she hadn’t been a friend. Pressure or not, he just hadn’t wanted me that way.
I didn’t want to blow this any more spectacularly than I already had. I never meant to fall for Mack, but now I felt like I was in a free fall.
He brought all of this into sharp focus. I hated what he might be feeling trying to handle a rescue on the river where his little sister died.
I was going to be an adult about this, though, and stop running. I wasn’t sure where this was going, but I never wanted him to feel pressured. I would face whatever happened. Returning to my quiet cabin, I wondered when Mack would be home.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Mack
My worst fears proved to be unfounded. Although Krista was never far from my thoughts that night during those long hours, my instincts from training kicked in. No one died. There were several injuries to deal with and a complicated rescue that involved ferrying people up the cliff face in supported stretchers. At one point, we contemplated whether a transport by boat would be quicker but ruled it out due to time and darkness. This river wasn’t an easy river to traverse in the daylight, so trying to do it in the dark would only make it more treacherous.
As predicted, it had been a boat full of high school boys, and every last one of them was drunk. One of them sustained a head injury when the boat crashed into the rocks, and another had broken his shoulder when he tumbled forward from the impact and jammed it against the steering wheel. Another had a nasty gash on his arm, but nobody seemed to know where he got it. They were all too drunk to be much use in questioning.
On the ride back, Jackson commented, “You said you were fine, and you were.”
We didn’t talk further. I was fucking tired, and I knew he was too. Those of us handling the climbing duties must’ve gone up and down that cliff ten times. Not to mention the strength it took to lift a stretcher on ropes. Anchors and pulleys helped, but all of it was hard work.
We were also wet, all of us soaked to the skin. Although it was a summer night, the mountain river was still icy cold. I figured a hot shower was the only thing that would thaw me out. Although I was relieved I’d kept my shit together tonight, somehow this rescue had tripped a switch in my brain. I’d been stumbling into this thing with Ash. I knew, I fucking knew I was falling in love with her. Hell, I was far past falling. My heart had crash-landed.
Yet I couldn’t trick myself into thinking I could be the man she needed. Ever since Krista died, this belief that I just couldn’t quite be enough had always clung to me.
Intellectually, I knew the bullshit my parents said in the aftermath hadn’t helped and wasn’t right. But your heart didn’t always listen to your head.
Whenever I thought of my family, it was my younger twin sisters and me. We were the unit that stuck together. My parents had not been so great and were barely there emotionally. More than once, most vividly the night that Krista died, my mother had said, “You were supposed to be watching her.”
I was supposed to be watching her. I was watching her, but just like that, it didn’t matter. She was gone. Forever.
So how could I believe I could be the man Ash needed? She’d already been let down. Now, I also had to worry about letting Jackson down after promising him I wouldn’t hurt her.
Tangled up in all of this was Ash, the only person I wanted to see tonight. I wanted to take a hot shower and lose myself in the fire that never failed to make me forget everything else.
A while later, I waved good night to Jackson at the farmhouse and walked through the trees along the lighted path. My feet kept on walking past my place because Ash was home. I could see the lights flickering through the trees.
Just one more night.
I knocked lightly on her door, hooking my hand over the doorframe above. I shouldn’t be this nervous to see her, but my heart was pounding as hard as it had the first night when I finally gave in to my need for her.
The door swung open. For a second, I thought my heart was actually going to leap out of my chest. She stood there with her rich brown hair in a messy bun. Her eyes were bright under the light on her porch. She wore a tank top and a pair of sweatpants that hung low on her hips.
Everything I did was instinct when it came to her. Dropping my hand from above, I trailed my knuckles lightly along the sliver of exposed skin below her shirt. I needed to touch her that badly.
“Hey,” she said, her eyes coasting over my face. “You’re all wet.”
My heart squeezed tight like a fist clenching. She tugged me inside, her hands quick as she began pulling at my wet clothes.
“Jackson just called to say y’all were back. Were you in the river all this time?”
I didn’t really answer other than a murmured assent. In a minute, we were standing in the bathroom, and all I had left on were my boxers. Ash turned the shower on, and steam began to fill the room.
“You’re cold. Come on, get in,” she ordered.
“You too,” I said.
Her brow furrowed with her puzzled look, but she didn’t hesitate. After a second, she shimmied out of her sweatpants and dropped her tank top on the floor. Next thing I knew, she was shoving my boxers down and gave a little surprised squeak when my cock sprang free, thick with arousal.
I was driven solely by the need to lose myself in her. Cupping her jaw, I stepped close and fit my mouth over hers, claiming her with a deep kiss.
Ash murmured something when I lifted my head for air. “You’re cold,” she repeated before pushing me into the shower under the hot water raining down.
She was right. I was clammy cold. The steaming water heated me quickly. When I saw the soap bubbles rolling over her skin, I lifted her against me, pressing her back against the tiled shower wall.
In one surge, I was buried inside her. I could finally forget all the punishing, painful memories I’d been holding at bay for too long.
The following morning, I belatedly remembered I’d been planning to tell Ash about my conversation with Jackson. We were having coffee at the kitchen table, a mundane morning activity that had become a habit. I loved it. The moment I thought about Jackson, I recalled just how close I’d been to telling Jackson I was in love with Ash.
Ash stood to refill her cup of coffee and glanced over her shoulder. “Do you need some?”
Sunlight cast through the window, glinting on her hair, and I wanted to drag her back to b
ed for a replay of last night. Instead, I said, “Always.”
She laughed softly and crossed the room to snag my coffee cup off the table. A moment later, she set my cup in front of me and sat down with hers. When I met her eyes, I saw uncertainty flickering there. I waited because I sensed she had something to say.
After a sip of coffee, she bit her lip and then spoke. “So, uh, I found out Jackson knows about us.”
I didn’t know whether to be relieved or concerned that she beat me to the punch. When she stayed quiet for a moment, I offered, “He confronted me about it yesterday. I meant to tell you last night, but that was before the whole rescue happened. It wasn’t really on my mind when I came home last night.”
Her eyes searched my face before she nodded. “Are you okay? You don’t talk about it, but I know it was probably hard to do a river rescue on that river.”
For a split second, my lungs seized, but my heart kept on beating. I’d done the hard thing last night, so I could certainly handle this. “I’m fine. Really.”
Ash took a swallow of her coffee. When she set her mug down, she began tracing the inside loop of the handle with her fingertip. Her eyes fell away before lifting again. “Mack, I know we don’t talk much about whatever it is that we’re doing, but I just want you to know I don’t have any expectations.”
My confusion must have been evident on my face. “About us,” she added. “I just thought you should know that.”
I genuinely wasn’t sure how to respond, so all I said was, “Okay.”
We finished our coffee. Jackson texted me to tell me the contractor who was pouring the concrete for the foundation for the new barn was early and asked if I could meet him over at the site.
I left feeling unsettled. As I walked through the trees, the only conclusion I could form regarding Ash’s comment about no expectations was that she didn’t think she could expect much from me.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ash
“Come here,” I said as I leaned down and held my palm flat with a small treat on it.
Betty looked up from the squeaky toy she had been gifted by Shay and trotted across the kitchen floor to me. After she gobbled up the treat, I sat cross-legged on the floor and pulled her onto my lap.
The day after I told Mack I didn’t have any expectations, I brought Betty home. Although I didn’t know it at the time, that choice turned out to be prescient. I needed the company because Mack had gone from stopping over almost every night to only coming by twice, in an entire week.
Of course, the two times he’d been here had ended with us twined together skin to skin. Yet somehow, it felt as if an invisible barrier had fallen between us.
Having an adorable, snuggly, and demanding puppy kept me occupied. Betty started gnawing on one of my fingers, her sharp little teeth stinging. Leaning over, I reached for her squeaky toy, which she promptly began chewing.
“Are you ready to go to work?” I asked as I stood with her in my arms.
She replied by giving her toy a little shake. Setting her back down on the floor, I went to the bathroom and pulled on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt to wear to the clinic. I had two surgeries today. Fortunately, I would drop Betty off with the remaining two puppies still waiting for a home. The group would hang out in the reception area in the little playpen we’d set up.
As I walked past Mack’s cabin, my stomach felt hollow. For weeks, I’d been worried about anyone noticing he was spending his nights with me. Now, I wondered what it was about me telling him I had no expectations that drove a wedge between us.
I heard his door opening after I walked beyond his cabin. I had to willfully keep from looking over my shoulder.
“Ash!” he called as I heard his footsteps moving at a slow jog behind me.
Stopping in the path, I waited. “Hey,” I said, hoping my tone came out as casually as I intended. I wasn’t bothered, not at all, that he hadn’t been with me every night. I knew three of those nights the crew had been called out on rescues, so I was sure that was why. That had to be it.
Riiiight.
It’s more likely you gave him the permission he was waiting for.
Mack’s eyes met mine, his smile uncertain. My heart squeezed as I looked up. I missed being held by his strong arms every night.
“How’s she doing?” he asked as he reached over to rub his fingers over her back and then let her chew on his thumb.
“Pretty good. I have enough things for her to chew so she hasn’t destroyed anything she isn’t supposed to yet. We’re working on the potty training.”
His smile reached his eyes this time. “Good to hear.” We walked in silence for a few moments, and Mack stuffed his hands in his pockets.
After a moment, he asked, “What did you mean when you said you had no expectations?”
His question startled me, enough that I answered honestly. “Just that. I didn’t want you to feel pressured. You were the one, after all, who said it wasn’t a great idea in the beginning. I’ve been known to create the impression I wanted more in the past, so I didn’t want to make things weird between us.”
Mack kicked a pebble as we passed from the trees into the parking lot behind the lodge. “Okay. It’s not because I seem like the kind of guy who isn’t worth expectations?”
Um. Okay, now I didn’t know what the hell to think of that. I stopped about halfway across the parking lot and turned to look at him. “No! Why would you ask that?”
Seeing Mack anything but completely confident and comfortable in his skin was unusual. Right now, he looked like I’d never seen him before. He shifted his shoulders and rolled his head from side to side. Then he stared out toward the pasture just visible in the distance before finally bringing his gaze back to mine.
“I don’t know. Just wondering.”
Right then, Dawson and Walker came out the back door to the lodge, immediately veering in our direction. Dawson cast me a grin as he stopped us. “How’s this little cutie doing?” he asked, rubbing his knuckles under Betty’s chin.
“She’s good.”
Dawson held out a hand, and I passed her over. He immediately tucked her into his chest and nuzzled her.
Walker grinned. “Puppies make everyone a sap, so you better hand her to me next.”
“Why don’t y’all take the last two puppies? I’m sure Evie and Jade would both say yes.”
Dawson’s smile was wide. “I’ll ask Evie tonight. We’ve both been so busy. You too,” he said, looking toward Walker and handing the puppy over.
Mack stayed quiet. I didn’t know what was up with him, but he definitely seemed out of sorts, as if his question hadn’t already made that obvious.
“Well, I need get to the clinic because I have two surgeries today. I’ll see y’all later, okay?” After Walker returned Betty, I hurried off. A part of me wanted Mack to follow, but he didn’t. I knew he likely had other things to do. As it was, I truly did need to get to the clinic or I’d be playing catch-up all day.
After a late night of playing at open mic at Lost Deer Bar, followed by hectic day at the clinic, I hurried out for a doctor’s appointment I’d scheduled four months ago before I even moved home. Not because it was an emergency, but because it took that freaking long to get on the schedule for my annual appointment. I could’ve gone to Asheville, but I preferred the OB/GYN I’d seen when I lived here before. She was one of the few who served the valley, so she was busy.
Dr. Hollows closed the door behind her as she stepped into the office where I was waiting. Her cheeks plumped up with her smile. “Well, hey, Ash. It’s so good to see you. Have you officially moved back to Stolen Hearts Valley?”
Returning her smile, I nodded. “Yep. I knew I was coming, so I scheduled this ahead of time because I’m due for my annual.”
Dr. Hollows sat on a rolling stool beside a counter. Spinning on it to face me, she tapped on a few computer keys. The paper crinkled under my legs when I swung my feet.
“Obviously, we have your hi
story, but I haven’t seen you here in this clinic for two years. Anything I should know? Any changes?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
She nodded and pushed her glasses up on her nose before looking back toward me. “Based on your records here, you’re due for a Pap smear, so let’s get started. Before I do your exam, let’s get a urine sample. When I haven’t seen a patient for over a year, I like to do the full battery. Should I be concerned about STD testing or anything else?”
“I don’t think so, but if you think it would be smart, I’ll go for it.”
She gave a matter-of-fact nod. “Might as well. Bathroom’s right there.” She pointed at a door inside the office where we were.
A few minutes later, I had my feet in the stirrups and my knee splayed out in the usual undignified position while Dr. Hollows inserted the speculum and began her exam. We were chatting casually when she went still and lifted her head. “Are you aware your IUD fell out?
“Um, no.”
Dr. Hollows nodded slowly. “The string for the IUD is gone, and I can’t find any sign of it.”
“Is that possible?” I squeaked.
“It’s not all that common, but it is possible. It could’ve been dislodged and fallen out when you went to the bathroom or something like that. Have you been checking to make sure the string is in place?”
Staring at her, I shook my head slowly, feeling numb. “Uh, no. I haven’t checked in a while.” My mind spun its wheels. I was pretty sure the last time I checked was while I was still seeing Kyle. We’d used condoms every single time, so I’d gotten out of the habit of checking. For whatever reason, I hadn’t thought to check since I’d been with Mack.
“I think we need to do a pregnancy test if you’ve been sexually active.”
“Um, is that a part of the regular testing?”