When she closed her phone, she turned her head to look out the window, but Matt knew she was crying again, because she reached up occasionally to wipe her face.
Not ten minutes later, Jim Horrocks called Matt’s phone, and he took the call wondering if something had come up wrong with his final submittal of the project. Actually, Jim was calling to say they had been completely pleased with his work. So pleased, that they were offering him another contract for an even bigger project in southern Colorado this time. It would be better money, but the timeline would be much more reasonable.
Matt looked up from the notes he was taking to see Taya watching him with teary eyes. It was another dream project, but he had to make some serious decisions before he could commit to something right now and he knew it. He asked if he had to decide that second or if he could get back to Jim on it later and got off the call before looking back at Taya to see that she was crying toward the window one more time. Man, we’re a pair aren’t we? Both of us are a mess.
Back at the hotel, the rest of the security team packed up to leave and the three of them decided to get out of the hotel for dinner for once. Taya took them to the seafood place that had always been her favorite and Matt ordered a lobster that he truly wasn't sure he could eat in honor of her part of the trial being over.
Both of them were trying to make it a festive dinner, but no matter how hard they tried, neither one of their smiles reached their eyes. Matt couldn't finish the whole lobster even with Taya taking a couple of bites, and Drew generously offered to help polish it off before they went back to the hotel.
As soon as they got there, even though it was only a little after eight, Taya pleaded a head ache and went in to go to bed after the barest minimum of a good night and Matt's heart felt like it had been run over when he heard that adjoining door shut. She'd never said whether she was staying or going and he got a definite impression that he would be getting on that plane without her in the morning.
He changed his clothes and went down to the hotel pool and swam laps until he threw up his fancy lobster dinner in the nearby restroom. He didn't even care how he felt and went back to the pool again. It was this or go out in down town Washington D.C. alone tonight, or the hotel clubs which held no allure for him whatsoever. Drew was back in the room, but Matt couldn't face him there or on the town so he simply stayed in the pool and exercise room until his body ached and his mind went gray. At eleven, security came and locked up and he headed back up stairs. He decided he wasn't going to pack tonight and face Drew, so he pulled on a pair of pajama pants and set his phone alarm so he could do it in the morning.
Even after swimming and exercising for that long, sleep eluded him and he laid there remembering all the different times he and Taya had been through on the way from that first meeting in the desert to this lonely, luxury hotel room. He searched through each little moment trying to find when it had been that their sweet friendship had gone from treasured to not worth the hassle for her.
After hours, he couldn't find that defining moment and gave it and sleep both up to get up and go look out the window of the room the way she had been the night before. He either wanted to break something, or break down, but he couldn't do either one without waking up Drew and having to face him in utter defeat. He went out into the sitting room part of the suite and began to pace in front of the TV in the pitch black of two a.m. Twice he got down on his knees. First to ask for more guidance, and secondly to ask for help in dealing with this discouragement and loss that hurt so much it was physical.
He thought back to when he had been discouraged about how his life was going when he'd been living with Stacy and he was completely off track spiritually. It had been depressing, but nothing like this. Nothing in his whole life had come close to despair like this.
Finally, he sat down in a chair in the dark and simply tried to empty his mind of it all. The only thing that happened was that for some reason, he kept remembering that sweet peace of the night his mother had gone back home and Taya had woken up on his lap in the swing. The tranquility of that night had been more tangible than he could fathom. In twenty-six years, he'd never known he could feel like that. He'd give anything to have just five minutes of that back with her. Thinking of her made him start to hear her in his mind walking around on the other side of that stupid door that felt like the Grand Canyon between them. He could almost picture her over there making the floor creak from the weight of her steps.
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. It felt like this night had already lasted a month. He didn't think he could get through it, but then he didn't want morning to come because then he'd only have to leave her. He'd never even told her how he honestly felt about her. He should have. Maybe if she'd known, it would have made a difference in her decision of whether to go or stay. He thought she had known even without him saying it out loud. And if she didn't get the hint from that last, desperate kiss, then telling her right out wouldn't have made much of a difference. How much he cared had been blatant. He'd wanted to breathe her in like oxygen.
After about forty five minutes of him thinking he was imagining her pacing over there, he finally realized that he truly was hearing her walk the floor. It was almost three o'clock in the morning, and he wondered why she was up pacing this time. Her part of the trial was over, and she'd faced her parents.
She hadn't given Joshua a final answer as far as he knew. Maybe that was why she couldn't sleep. He wished he had the guts to just knock and tell her he loved her and couldn't live without her and beg her to at least agree to let him move here so he could be by her. He still couldn't understand what had happened to their close friendship. Only night before last they had been kissing like they truly mattered to each other, and when they had started out this trip, he'd thought they were a couple. What had changed all that?
He got up and paced too. He couldn't merely sit there when he knew she was up. She used to turn to him for help, but apparently not any more. He didn't understand how something as good as what they had could disappear like a whiff of smoke. Why? She at least owed him that, didn't she?
He listened to her pacing and knew she must be only a few feet from him here struggling to make it through the night too. He'd gone from hurt to mad at her because that emotion was so much easier to deal with, but listening to her now, he felt only that he wanted to do what he could to help her with her troubles, whatever they were. He loved her enough that even if she wasn't going to be with him, he'd do what he could for her. He stopped in front of the door to figure out what he was going to say to her when he knocked.
He never got the chance because as he was standing there, she quietly pulled the door open and leaned her head into the room and started to whisper, "Matt. Matt."
She was looking toward the bedroom door and didn't even see him standing there right beside her in the dark and she jumped when he whispered back, "Taya, what's wrong?" She brought a hand to her chest and gasped and then came right to him and buried her face against him as he lifted his arm to embrace her. "What's wrong, Tay? There's not another mouse in a place this nice is there?"
She shook her head against him. "No. No mice. Just monsters that are keeping me up."
Still whispering, he asked, "What kind of monsters?"
"Lonely monsters." He knew exactly what she was talking about.
"They've been camping out in my room too. Nasty, little suckers aren't they?" He wrapped both arms around her tightly.
After a couple of minutes he said, "I can fight lonely monsters for you, Taya. I'll volunteer to forever, in fact. Anywhere you need them fought. D.C. or Colorado or South America. I'll help you herd those llamas."
She looked up at him in the dark. "What do you mean?"
"I mean I need to know why you're pulling away from me, Taya. Because if it's something we can fix, then I need to fix it. I don't think I can get on that plane in a few hours without you."
She looked up at him, questioning and whispered louder, "What? What are
you saying?"
"You heard me, Taya. I love you, and I want you to be honest with me and tell me what's wrong. Our friendship at least deserves that. Why the distance since we've been here? Have I done something? Or is there something else here that's bothering you? What's going on?"
He couldn't tell for sure, but she looked confused there in the dark. "Why are you asking me what's going on?" This time she forgot to whisper at all.
He sighed and looked up at the ceiling and then back at her. "Taya, I need an answer. I deserve an answer. We've been good friends. The best of friends. Why is planning beyond today not even an option for us?"
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She just stood there looking up at him and he went on, "Is it the church? If it's the church, we can work with that. I'll see the missionaries again. I want to be baptized, I just haven't had time. Is it the church?"
She shook her head at him. "Matt, I'm not the one who won't talk about the future. I haven't made a single plan because I was hoping I could plan to be where you are. You're the one who won't let us plan anything. Are you just done with me or what?"
He was shocked. "Am I just done with you? I'm never going to be done with you. I love you. How can you be done with someone you love?"
She looked at him and completely forgot to whisper again, "Matt . . . What? What are you telling me?"
"You heard me, Taya. What are you telling me?"
She shook her head. "I don't know what I'm telling you. I guess I'm simply telling you I don't want to be without you and I'm sad that we don't have any plans to be together anymore." She looked down and hid her face on his chest.
He was just going to ask her to look at him and repeat that so he could understand what she was saying when Drew came out of the bedroom and glanced at them there in the dark on his way into the bathroom. He paused before he shut the door and said, "Please tell me you're talking about getting married and not about leaving each other." He shut the bathroom door and Matt took Taya's hand and led her back into her own suite of rooms. He turned on a small lamp and pulled her to the couch with him.
When she was sitting there beside him, he looked at her and said, "Say that again."
"Say what again?"
"What you were telling me in the other room."
She looked up and searched his eyes for a few minutes and finally asked, "Can we talk about getting married? I don't want you to leave me."
He lifted her up onto his lap and hugged her against him. "Oh, Taya. I'm not going to leave you. I mean, I thought I was going to have to leave you because you didn't want me to stay with you, but I would never leave you willingly. I'd love to talk about getting married. I just haven't known what you were thinking about me. What do you want from me, Tay?"
"I . . . I don't know exactly. I didn't honestly think you would be willing to talk about getting married, but I know I want to go with you wherever you decide you're headed."
"And I haven't made any plans because I was waiting to find out what you were going to do before I could decide. Are you going to stay here and work with Joshua?"
"I don't know what I'm doing. Are you going to stay in Steamboat, or take this new contract? Or both?"
"Taya, I won't take the contract if you're not going to be in Colorado. I can come here if that's what you want. I could find work here if you need me to."
She leaned into his neck and took a deep breath. "I'd rather not stay here unless you feel strongly about it. I think I'm a wide open spaces kind of girl now, but I can work out of a sheep trailer if I need to, so I can go wherever you need to be. I only want to be by you."
He paused. "Like how by me?" He didn't breathe while he waited for her answer.
She hesitated. "Uh, pretty close."
He pulled her back so he could see her face. "Come on, Taya. Talk to me here. You're killing me. How close is pretty close?"
Her blue eyes were huge and then she snuggled back into him so she wasn't looking at him and asked, "Would this close be too close?"
He pulled back again. "Yes, unless you honestly agreed to marry me. Having you this close is too tempting for long. Could we truly talk about getting married?"
"I would really like to."
"We haven't known each other all that long. Are you sure? Do we need to be engaged for a long time so you don't have any doubts?"
She smiled up at him shyly. "How could I have any doubts about you, Matt? I fell head over heels in love with you in a sheep camp. The only thing I questioned was how you felt about me and what to do about falling in love with a truly good man who wasn't a member. If you want me, you're stuck with me forever. And I don't want a long engagement unless it's important to you. I just want you."
He looked at her steadily. "I thought you said you didn't think you could fall in love."
"I had never met you when I thought that. You came and I was history. I'd follow you to the ends of the earth now. All you'd have to do is play your guitar and promise me you'll hold me on a swing occasionally."
He rubbed a hand down her back, "That swing was heaven. But there are a couple of other things we'll need eventually. I have great memories of this summer, but wouldn't it be nice to have an indoor shower this winter? With no sand or cactuses nearby? I want you to be comfortable and secure and have a place for Zeus and Horse.
Her face lit up. "Really? You'd let me have Horse?"
He put a hand into her silky hair and tugged on it. "Taya, I'll be your husband, not your parent. I'm not going to tell you what you can and can't have. But the first time I saw you on that ridge in the desert, you were on Horse. I thought you were the purest form of art. You should have Horse. And Zeus isn't even a question is he?"
Her forehead creased for a minute. "Technically, he's Joseph and Zan's, but he thinks I'm his."
"And it's wonderful to know he watches over you. I don't know where this contract is for sure, but whether we go there or only hire a crew and check on them occasionally, we'll be glad to have Zeus. That being said, we'll have to have a house where we can keep him without him eating any of the locals."
After thinking for a minute, she asked, "If we're going to have a real house, could we have room for a real office in it?"
He tipped her face up to look at him and said softly, "We can have whatever we want, Taya, but I thought that eventually you wanted a nursery instead of an office."
Her eyes flew to his and stayed there for a while. She nodded. "I do. I've always wanted that in general. Now the babies I want have brown hair and brown eyes."
He rubbed a thumb softly across her bottom lip. "We may have to negotiate that one. I want dark haired ones with blue eyes and perfect lips." He leaned to kiss her.
Eventually he continued their conversation. "We probably should decide on some other things before we worry about babies. We need to decide about this contract for sure and let Joshua know what you're going to do."
"And sometime I need to do something with all my stuff in storage here and my car. Most of it can just be sold, but I should make sure there aren't any things I want to keep and get it taken care of."
"I think I might sell a lot of my stuff too. I'd like to keep making a new life with you. You've been so good for me."
"Is your family going to be upset that you're getting baptized or marrying a Mormon?"
"I don't know. I don't think so. I think they all loved you, but I don't know. I'm going to guess that they've seen what a good influence you've been on me and are thrilled about you. Before you I didn't really know much about the LDS church so they probably don't either. I think they will love you because I love you and I'm the one who's marrying you."
She looked up at him and asked, "Why didn't you tell me? I've been miserable for days because I didn't know if you were moving on without me."
"Taya, I tried to ask you several times about your plans after the trial and you evaded the question. I thought you were the one moving away from me. But I was going to follow you if you'd have let me."
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She laid her head against his chest. "I didn't mean to evade the question. I just didn't know what this trial was going to take or how the election will play out. I even wondered if I would be putting you at risk if John appealed forever or somehow got off on a technicality and then won the election. He still might for that matter. I might be way more hassle than you bargained for."
He shook his head and hugged her. "You’ve been the best thing that's ever happened to me, Taya. You’re the good woman behind the man I can be. You're the one helping me to reach the greatness waiting on the other side that my mom was talking about. You could never be too much hassle. I'm just incredibly thankful for you. And I want to take you somewhere nice and propose to you with a real ring and . . . Wait.” He searched her eyes again and asked gently, “Do you want a ring? Or is that a bad question?"
Putting her hand to his cheek she asked, "Do I have to have a diamond?"
"Honey, you don't even have to have a ring if you don't want. I'll understand."
"I would love a ring, but can we just have a band that truly does symbolize love? Because I do love you, and I do want to be with you forever, and I'm so grateful that you have nothing to prove with a big diamond."
"I'm a simple guy, Taya. Are you sure that won't get old after the life you've led?"
She shook her head. "You're not simple. You're unpretentious. It's one of your best things, Matt. We'll both get old. We'll do it together and be incredibly happy as great, great grand parents. What do you think?"
He pulled her close and kissed the pink scar above her brow and then her mouth again. Finally, he breathed, "What I think is that you are a gift from heaven."
The Sage After Rain A love story Page 25