The truck pulled onto the road, heading through town. “Why are you afraid to believe that God exists anyway?” she asked.
“I guess it just doesn’t make sense to me.”
“Why not?”
He glanced over at her. “Well, for the reasons I mentioned in the debate. Granted, the rock thing is gimmicky, but the part about suffering was true. There’s so much suffering. Not just in far off lands, but here. In each of us. All around. I—” He sighed heavily. “I have an older brother. Had an older brother.”
She didn’t like the past tense.
“Don’t tell anyone about this, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Not even Sandra.”
That wouldn’t be a problem. “Okay.”
“This was before we moved to Mooretown. Really, I think this was why we moved, though my parents won’t admit it. He was six years older than me. He was gay.”
Jess certainly hadn’t been expecting that. She didn’t know any gay people, so the concept of it never really came up outside of the boys telling each other to stop being gay in PE. Beyond that, she didn’t know much about gays, but she didn’t want to risk asking stupid questions, so she stayed silent.
“Anyway, where we lived, it was kind of like this town—small, everyone knew each other. Jordan was always the outcast. Everyone went to church and believed in a loving God, but whenever Jordan came around, that loving God was suddenly the wrathful God. We even used to go to church. I liked the people there, but when Jordan came out …”
The engine seemed to grow louder during Greg’s pauses. “Which way?” He pointed in both directions as they approached the main intersection.
“Left.”
“Anyway, he wasn’t accepted by any of the so-called Christians. Some even went out of their way to cause him pain. And I had a front-row seat to all of this. I’ve never hurt so badly for someone, and all of his pain was caused by those who said they believed in God. There were a few atheists in town, and those guys couldn’t have given two shits about who Jordan wanted to be with.
“He eventually got tired of it, and I don’t honestly blame him. He was tired of the bullying, tired of not having friends, tired of feeling bad for something he couldn’t control. He took a bunch of pills and didn’t wake up.”
It was a moment before Jess understood what that actually meant. And the realization felt like a fist to her sternum. “Oh God. I’m sorry, Greg. That’s awful.”
Greg inhaled deeply. “Yeah. It was. But as awful as I felt after he did it, I knew I still didn’t feel half as bad as he had while he was alive.”
“You still miss him a lot.”
“Of course.”
She wanted to be able to say something comforting, but nothing came to mind. Was there even anything that could comfort someone whose brother had killed himself?
God … GOD! Where are you? I need to talk to you!
Jess’s life hadn’t exactly been a cake walk, but the long-standing agony she could hear in Greg’s voice, the knowledge of his brother’s suffering, it was all new territory. She walked around with a target on her back because she was God’s daughter, so to an extent, that made sense. But being gay? She didn’t know much about it, but it didn’t seem like anything for people to be upset about.
God! Dammit, God! Come on! I have questions!
Fine.
Her Father’s words from sex ed surfaced in her mind … respectful, consensual, not involving non-human animals. Well, from those constraints, it seemed like gay was A-OK.
“So like, wait. Jordan was nice to people?”
“The nicest.”
She sighed but felt confident in her conclusion, even without His official Word. “God can be kind of an ass sometimes, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t hate gay people as long as they’re not jerks to everyone and don’t have sex with non-human animals. Pretty much the only people he doesn’t like are the ones who are jerks. I haven’t heard anything bad about gays.”
“Ha! Figures.”
“You still don’t believe I talk with God, though? Left here.”
Greg turned onto her street. “You know, honestly, I do sometimes wonder. Not about … you know, you. But about God. I just wish He could make Himself more obvious to everyone. He’s supposed to be all powerful, you know? Why not just show Himself to everyone so there’s no more doubt?”
“Oh, well, it’s not actually ‘all powerful.’ That was a translation error. It was supposed to be ‘powerful and all that.’”
Greg cackled, then turned to look at Jess. His amusement melted away. “Oh, you’re serious. Um. Hmm. Okay.”
The McCloud doublewide wasn’t far now. Miranda was the only friend she’d ever had over, and Jess debated whether she should just tell Greg to drop her off at the end of her street or let him see her small, rundown house. But after what he’d just shared with her, it felt stingy to hide it from him.
“That one, on the left. That’s mine.”
He pulled up into the driveway and put the truck into park, but it didn’t feel right to get out just yet. “I’m sorry about your brother,” she said, and she forced herself to look Greg in the eyes. He was looking back at her with something more than sadness. Longing?
“Thanks. And I hope you don’t take me not believing the wrong way. I believe you, I just don’t … well, I can’t explain it.”
“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”
She opened the door and climbed out, and as she reached in for her backpack, he added, “Should I even ask about tomorrow?”
She wasn’t sure what he meant until he reminded her.
“Shakespeare’s Players audition.”
“Oh, right.” She considered it. “That actually sounds kind of fun. And I couldn’t suck worse than I did in debate, right?”
He laughed. “It was just your first time today. You kind of jumped into the deep end. You already know about Shakespeare, so you’ll do fine tomorrow. Just read through it a few times tonight.”
“Will do.”
He smiled softly, and she felt something fidget around inside her.
“Goodnight, Jessica.”
“Night, Greg.” She shut the car door and headed to her doorstep. When she walked inside, Destinee was already in her pj’s, watching TV in the living room. She looked up. “Hey, baby. Did someone just drop you off?”
“Yeah.”
“Who was it?” Turning in her seat, Destinee tried to look out the gap in the curtains on the front window.
“Just a friend from school.” Jess held her breath, waiting to gauge her mother’s reaction to a teen driver.
Destinee cocked her head to the side slightly. “Ahh … I see. A friend. He hot?”
So teen drivers weren’t a concern. Good to know. “Um, I mean …”
Destinee nodded knowingly. “Good, good. Well, as long as he’s hot and you understand how condoms work.” She settled back into the couch. “How was your day?”
Miranda found Jess on her way to first period the next morning and leaned in. “Greg and Sandra had a fight last night.” Her expression was filled with excitement. “Do you think that’s a miracle? Do you have the power to save people from toxic relationships?”
Jess giggled. “No, I don’t think that’s one of my miracles.” Jess started walking toward class again.
“Wait.” Miranda held out her arm to stop her. “Did something happen with you two yesterday? Oh my gosh! The debate team! I forgot! Tell me you two killed it.”
“No. He killed it, I just bombed. But we talked and he gave me a ride home.” She flashed Miranda a mysterious smile that sent her friend into an arm-waving frenzy.
“What! That’s awesome!” She lowered her voice. “Did y’all make out?”
Before Jess could answer, she saw Greg approaching over Miranda’s shoulder. He stopped when he reached them. “Morning,” he said, looking at Jess. She smiled back and tried to keep breathing. “Hey, Miranda.” Miranda nodded coolly at him and h
is attention returned to Jess. “You ready for tonight?”
“Stayed up late practicing. Decided not to hope for a miracle on this one and actually prepare.”
Greg laughed. “Yeah, sounds like a solid approach. I’ll see you in bio.” He placed his hand on her shoulder and let it slide down her arm as he left.
Miranda waited until he was out of earshot before gushing. “Oh. My. Gosh. He’s like, really into you, Jess.”
Jess hated how hard she was smiling. She wished she could have played it cool. “You think so?”
“Uh, I know so. He wants you bad.”
Jess was just about to turn and head to class, when she remembered something. After a moment’s hesitation, she decided that this was Miranda, and nothing she could say would cross a line with her best friend. “Hey, have you ever … um. Have you ever given a blow job?”
“What?” Miranda mimicked vomiting. “No. That’s so gross.”
Jess exhaled in a whoosh, and she felt tension melt from her shoulders. “Okay, cool, just wondering.”
“Oh my gosh, he’s not going to make you do that to him, is he?”
“Uh, I hope not.”
Miranda nodded slightly. “Good. Don’t let him. That’s nasty. You should make out with his face, but not … Yeah. Just keep it to kissing.”
“I don’t even know if I’m good at that.”
Miranda’s jaw dropped and panic crept into her eyes. “Wait, how do you not know?”
“I’ve never kissed anyone,” Jess protested as quietly as she could.
Miranda was kind enough to keep her composure. “Well, fine, but have you practiced on someone?”
Jess shook her head. “Have you?”
Miranda shrugged sheepishly. “Yeah. I convinced my cousin Reggie to let me practice on him back when I first started tutoring Chris. Just in case, you know? Well, turns out Chris is a total doofus, and I’m not into him anymore, but I bet I could get him to help you practice.”
“Your cousin?”
“No, Chris.”
“Chris.”
“Yeah.”
“Chris Riley.”
“Yeah?”
“The boy you’ve had a crush on since you were five.”
She rolled her eyes impatiently. “But I don’t have a crush on him anymore, and he basically does whatever I say so that I’ll keep tutoring him. Do you want to practice for Greg or not?”
“I don’t know …”
Miranda threw her hands onto her hips. “Jessica. You cannot make out with Greg without knowing what you’re doing. What kind of a friend would I be if I let that happen when I could do something to help?”
Jess laughed. “I don’t know.”
“I would be a crappy friend.” She let her hands drop off her hips. “Come on. Just practice on Chris. You need practice and he’s your only option, unless you have some other guy friend I don’t know about.”
Miranda had her there. Chris and Greg were basically the only two boys she ever talked to. “I mean, I guess if you’re okay with it …”
“Cool. I’ll talk to him in algebra today, and we’ll find a place to practice at lunch.”
Jess agreed, if only to buy herself more time to consider the prospect. What if she was a terrible kisser and humiliated herself not only with Greg, but now also with Chris?
Her crush on Chris had long since been relegated to the back burner by Greg. But Chris was still hot (even if he was, as Miranda had pointed out, a bit of a doofus) and he was a football star. And he would definitely keep his mouth shut about it no matter what happened because it was clear he was still anxious about her smiting tendencies. So why not go for it? How hard could making out be? Kids did it every day.
Jess checked her phone in AP World History and found a message from Miranda: back hallway at passing period before lunch.
So it was on. Her heart felt like it was trying to punch its way free of her ribcage. She was going to make out with Christopher Riley. Today. Why was she so nervous? It was just Chris, the dumb hyperactive boy she’d known since kindergarten.
Jess’s ability to focus in Spanish was subpar on a good day, when nothing spectacular was happening in her life, so on a day like this, the chance of her conjugating her verbs correctly was next to nada.
In algebra II, which she had with Miranda, Jessica’s focus was so lacking that she accidentally dropped a negative sign in her simplification, something she almost never did. The mistake exposed her nervousness to Miranda more than any words could, and her best friend asked her if she wanted to back out on the plan a handful of times before Jess finally convinced her it was fine.
Miranda led Jess down toward the rendezvous point after algebra, and when Jess spotted Chris already there, his arms crossed as he leaned against the wall next to one of the small offices by the gym, Jess’s swallowed hard and tried to keep breathing.
This was so dumb. This could only end in humiliation. But once Chris nodded at her and then smiled, she thought, Oh what the hell. She’d humiliated herself in less awesome ways this week. Why not go for it?
“Coach Rex’s office is always empty at this time,” he informed her. “He likes to drink a beer in his truck before lunch.”
The three of them waited for a good opportunity while the crowd was at its peak and they were less likely to be noticed among the movement, then they slipped into Coach Rex’s office and shut the door behind him. “He really should lock the door,” Jess said.
“True, but he lost the key like a month ago and doesn’t want to pay the rekeying fee, so he just leaves it open.”
“Okay,” Miranda said. “I’ve informed Chris why he’s here, and he offered his services willingly.”
“Hey-o!” Chris interjected.
“So …” Miranda took a step back and motioned for them to have at it.
Chris stepped toward Jess, who held up a hand to stop him. “Wait.” His recent growth spurt resulted in him topping out at just over six feet, and she had to crane her neck to meet his eyes.
“Wait?” He crinkled his nose. “Why?”
Jess had to think of a fake answer rather than admit to the real one, which was, Because I’m too nervous. “How do I even know you’re an expert at this? What if you teach me bad habits?”
Chris cocked an eyebrows and pouted his lips. “Please. I’m such a pro.”
“Oh yeah?” Jess asked. “Who’ve you made out with?”
He scoffed. “Like, a ton of girls.”
“But who?”
He scoffed again. “Okay, I’ll start listing them for you. You don’t know all of them, though.” He held up his hands to count them on his fingers. “Sandra and Emma and Stephanie and Daphne and Jamie and Felicity and Sarah and Bella—”
“You’re just making it up now,” Jess said. “You’re just naming girl names.”
“No, I’m not!” Chris objected. “I told you you didn’t know all of them! The last few are friends at church.”
Miranda jumped in. “You’re making out with all the girls at church?”
He held out a hand toward her. “Uh, let’s cool it with the judgment, Miss Can-You-Please-Make-Out-With-Jessica.”
Miranda’s cheeks flushed pink, and Jess decided it was time to get on with this. “Fine. You’re a pro. Whatever. Let’s … do this.”
“I should probably leave y’all to it,” Miranda said, turning toward the door.
“No!” Jess said too loudly. Miranda’s presence kept this strictly business. If she left the two of them alone to practice making out, lines would most definitely be blurred.
“Oh. Um. Okay. It’s not gonna be weird?”
“Nope,” Jess insisted before looking at Chris.
He shrugged and shook his head. “Nah. Why would it be weird?”
“Because I’ll just be watching y’all make out,” Miranda replied.
“Please. You ever see people make out in movies? It’s just like that.”
Apparently he considered the matter settled,
because he returned his attention to Jess, rolled his shoulders to loosen them, and then got in a solid power stance with his feet shoulder-length apart. “So the trick is to just follow my lead, okay?”
“Okay.”
He took a step closer.
“What do I do with my hands?” she asked.
Chris grabbed her wrists and flopped one of her hands onto his chest and the other on his jaw. The side of his face was the perfect spot for her palm—flat, smooth. The chubby cheeks he had as a child had been replaced by contours and angles. She’d never noticed the splash of faint freckles that washed across the bridge of his nose and just under his eyes until now. He was pretty, that was for sure. He peered down at her from underneath his thick, dark eyelashes. “Are you sure you want to make out with Greg?”
Jess whirled around to Miranda. “You weren’t supposed to tell him who I was going to make out with!”
But before she could complain any further, Chris grabbed her head, turned it and pressed his lips down onto hers. The contact felt electric. It was better than her dream with Jameson, mostly because this was real and full of rich sensory detail. He started moving his lips, and she followed his movements. The contact increased as he pressed his chest against hers, one hand gripping her face, one moving down her body to wrap around her waist to pull her closer. Then, as she parted her lips to keep up with his, he slipped his tongue inside her mouth. At first the act seemed a little gross, but then some strange, previously unknown passion swarmed up inside her at the thought of how much Chris wanted her.
Wait. No. He didn’t. This was practice.
She pushed him off of her. “Wow. Okay. I think I get the hang of it.” She glanced over at Miranda, who was staring openmouthed at the spectacle. So maybe Miranda wasn’t completely over Chris like she thought she was. Eek. This could be tricky.
“That’s just step one, though,” Chris said. “Making out involves a lot more than just kissing.”
Did he want to help her practice blow jobs, too? No thanks.
“No, I think I’m good with step one. You know what, though? Miranda said she needs more kissing practice. I bet you could help her.”
Chris looked at Jess strangely for a moment, as if trying to translate her words into his own language. Then, “Yeah?” He looked over at Miranda, who clearly hadn’t expected this turn of events. “You down to practice?”
And It Was Good (Jessica Christ Book 2) Page 5