Leaving Tracks

by Victoria Escobar

  My brain had stopped. My heart was racing. I craved for things I hadn’t craved in a really long time. Did I really want those things? Did I want them with North? The answer to those questions eluded me.

  “Not a bad reaction.” North murmured and crouched in front of me. “Hadley.” He reached out and I jerked away.

  “We have a professional relationship.” I said not meeting his eyes. My voice was shaky and barely heard over the music still playing. “We can’t…”

  “I think we’re adult enough to keep business and private lives separate.” North stated flatly and put his hands under my arms to haul me up to my feet.

  “You don’t even get it.” I scoffed and moved a few feet away from him. “Think about the last few weeks. Our profession is so much a part of ourselves that there’s no way to separate the two. I don’t want to ruin you, North. And any kind of relationship other than the professional one could. I’ll see you in the morning.” I skated away before he could reply.

  North

  It was hard to watch her skate away and not follow. Hard not to throw her logic back in her face. She had asked me to think about the last few weeks and she hadn’t even thought to think about it herself.

  We were already more than coach and trainee. Our friendship ran deeper than just friends. She obviously hadn’t thought about all the nights I slept here, or all the meals I shared with her. The conversations, the well, everything. The only time I wasn’t with Hadley was when I was in my studio or doing evening chores since Thierry had forced Rhett to switch. She hadn’t even noticed that.

  Maybe that was the problem. I continued to skate lazily around the ice rink. I should spend time with someone other than Hadley. I should go out. The other part of that problem was I didn’t want to. But I should. I’d think about it.

  Hadley had dark circles around her eyes in the morning and I recognized the slight puffiness in them as well. Great, she had been crying. And, if I mentioned it, she’d probably bite my head off.

  “So,” Hadley sat on the trainer’s table in the damnable shorts that showed a great deal of leg and the tight shirt that showcased a lot more than washboard abs. I forced myself to avert my eyes and focused on lacing my skates.

  “So?” I repeated and looked up at her.

  “You know how I feel about you listening to me.” Hadley frowned.

  “Right, sorry.” I took a steadying breath and held eye contact with her.

  “In St. Paul in ten days is the St. Paul Skate for Cancer Event. I figured as a charity event, even though scored and placed in your record would probably be the best way to start. Entrance fees pays the prizes for the winners and the remaining goes to the cancer society. They’re a little steep, but I don’t want you to worry about that. I’ve already covered it. You’ll need both a short and a free program.”

  “You’re letting me compete?” I was a little surprised after her refusal yesterday. “How did you set this up so fast?”

  “It’s called the internet.” Hadley quipped. “Let’s get started. We have routines to work out.”

  I couldn’t decide if the ten days moved slowly because I was watching the clock or quickly because Hadley ramped up practices so I wouldn’t forget my routines. It was short notice, but I had insisted and she had complied. I had no business to bitch.

  My brothers had bitched when I had fallen asleep at the dinner table twice. They’d also complained when I fell asleep in the tub. After the first couple of days, I only went home for chores and spent the rest of the time in the rink. I wanted to prove to Hadley I was ready.

  Her birthday came and went without a word from her. I had no idea if she had even done anything with her sisters, though other than the regularly scheduled practice, I hadn’t seen her. In the end, her birthday gift, a trio of figure skaters in different poses glazed a snowy white, was left on her dining room table. I hadn’t seen them in any of the public spaces and the box had been gone the next time I was in the apartment. I could only assume she kept them in her room instead of on display. But she hadn’t said anything. Not even thank you.

  Hadley kept herself distant. Not by definition of the word distant. She still coached and smiled and cooked. But the coaching was expected, the smile strained and the food necessary to keep going.

  If I reached out to touch her, she stepped aside. When she corrected me, she didn’t reach out to correct the placement of my limbs like she used to. She’d take the pose herself and demand I copy her. Not touching her was killing me as badly as touching her did. It was like a glass wall had been erected between us and I couldn’t find the hammer to break it and I desperately wanted to break it.

  Hadley drove the three hours to St. Paul. She wanted me to rest. Wanted me to review my routines and meditate. Nothing I could say would allow her to let me drive. In the end, I stopped arguing with her and let her drive.

  I followed her lead silently as she checked into our hotel for the night. I’d been to St. Paul before, but it seemed so much bigger than I remembered it. Hadley seemed to have no problems navigating any of it.

  Hadley looked around the hotel room and nodded. “You should chill. Are you hungry?”

  I shrugged. “When’s the event?”

  “Tomorrow. We have the hotel tonight and tomorrow night. Relax. I want to walk around after being in the truck for three hours. I’ll see about warm up times and what not, so you can stretch out. I suggest a bath with the oils from Avala if you brought them.” Hadley rung her hands together once then stepped out when I said nothing.

  I had no idea why she was nervous but it put me on edge. I paced the little room and then decided I could use a walk as well and left the hotel room. The hotel felt more like a casino. With the little shops, it held the three restaurants, two bars, and two fitness rooms.

  I didn’t see Hadley as I walked around the busy hotel. There were people everywhere. I saw some other coaches, they wore jackets that said coach, but I couldn’t tell who they were coaching.

  I stood at a window looking out over the river and a little park. There was a small skating rink in the park and on impulse, I went back to my room for my coat before heading out to it.

  It was strange, I decided, watching the casual skaters. Most of them probably had no idea what it took to be a professional skaters and the ones that did probably didn’t have the money or want the hassle that it involved.

  I didn’t have the money but Hadley was generous. I paid her as much as I could every week and she accepted with a smile. It didn’t matter how much it was she never complained. I knew there was only a matter of time before that would stop. She couldn’t keep footing my bills. I knew how expensive skating was. I was still trying to figure out how to pay back the six hundred dollar entrance fee for this event.

  The prizes, as she had called them were only medals. I knew that to be paid to skate would disqualify from an Olympic event. A monetary prize probably equated to being paid to skate.

  “Are you going to skate, handsome?”

  I turned to see a pretty redhead pulling protectors off her skates. I smiled politely, “Not today.”

  “Shame.” Her invitation was obvious. And though it may have interested me months ago, it didn’t now.

  I shrugged at her and turned back to the skaters. I’d never be able to go back to that I realized. The simple pleasure of just skating for no other reason than for fun would probably never exist again.

  I loved to skate and it was fun when I had a chance to just skate. But for now, if I wanted that medal, I had to settle for competitions and practices. I wondered if I would become like Hadley with her need to skate and yet her hate of it.

  Her father had driven her to the hate though. She did her best to vary my practices and I did get some fun out of them. She didn’t want me to hate the way she did. I knew that.

  I don’t know how long I stood there just watching but eventually I made my way back to the hotel room. There was a pizza box on the desk table but no Hadley. Wondering whe
re she went, I ate my pizza, showered, and climbed in bed. I fell asleep staring at the empty bed waiting for Hadley.

  “Wake up, North.” Hadley’s voice sounded amused. “After weeks of early morning practices you should be used to getting up in the morning.”

  Groggy, I wiped at my eyes even as I pushed myself upright. The bed Hadley was sitting on was still made. “Where were you?”

  She tilted her head curiously. “In my room?”

  “Your room? You got two rooms? Why?” I may not have been fully awake physically but my mind was snapping on rapidly.

  She raised a brow, “Because it’s proper.” She held out the coffee mug in her hands. “Drink. Rink is open for warm ups at six. Event starts at ten. Short programs are first. There are twenty women and twenty men to skate. All Juniors and Seniors. You’ll be very lucky to place top ten.”

  “Right.” I gulped at the coffee and watched her move around the room. “You don’t have to spend the extra money for a separate room, Hadley. There are two beds in here. I haven’t jumped you yet. I can control myself.”

  She waved a hand at the comment. “There will be sponsors at the event. Looking for skaters to sponsor.” She turned and looked at me. “If you do well you could have someone sponsor all your training expenses.”

  “Isn’t that against rules?”

  “Sponsoring isn’t paying you to skate. Think of it like your face on a cereal box. The cereal of the Olympic hopeful or some rot like that. You support them and they support you. There’s paperwork to go with it of course but I can take care of that without issue.”

  “Who was your sponsor?”

  Hadley knotted her fingers together a moment then released them. “My father paid for most of my expenses with his trust fund from my grandfather. I didn’t get a sponsor until my second season and that was some lotion company.” She shrugged. “I never used their stuff, and I still don’t use it.”

  “Do you think getting a sponsor with my first event is possible?”

  She shrugged. “That depends on how you skate.”

  “Well,” I climbed out of bed. “I suppose I should get ready for the day then.”

  Hadley

  North didn’t look nervous as I gave him direction when we reached the rink. I still didn’t think he was ready. As I’d predicted, we were one of three other skaters out of bed early enough for a near empty rink before the event. Some skaters wouldn’t even practice before the event I knew.

  I didn’t really want North to practice so much, as adjust to the ice and the temperature difference. The ice would be better quality than the rink at home and it was something he would have to adjust for. It was also warmer in the arena. He’ll sweat faster.

  I wore my shorts in spite of the outside cold to make a statement. I wasn’t going to hide who I was to make others feel better. They would have to deal. I also wore my pink jacket because to be honest I felt like a boss in it.

  “Hadley.”

  I winced at the smooth baritone and took my eyes from North’s progress to nod at the balding man that approached before turning back to North. My former coach, one of them anyway, wasn’t really worth my attention or concern. He’d only lasted a few weeks when it was determined he had nothing he could teach me.

  “I didn’t know you would be here.” He said when he stepped up beside me.

  “I’m coaching today.” I didn’t bother with the niceties and focused on North. I couldn’t help but smile at North’s quad loop–triple Salchow combination. Through all the training, it remained the smoothest of his jumps.

  From the corner of my eye, I saw Coach Mounts frown and stiffen. “The boy is yours?”

  “North Graton. Yes. He’s one of mine.”

  North looped the rink stretching without any other jump for two cycles before he did a triple Lutz, and finally, didn’t touch the ice with his hand.

  “He looks good.” It was a grudging compliment and it would no doubt get back to my father that I was coaching again.

  “He does. Do you have a skater out today?”

  “Jasmina doesn’t practice before an event. She loses her edge.”

  I nodded understandingly. Shania was a skater like that too. They’d practice the night before but not the day of.

  “Good luck to you today.” Coach Mounts muttered and walked away after watching North for a few more minutes.

  There were other people watching North and I waved him off the ice.

  “What’s up?” he asked still stretching out his shoulders and arms as he came over.

  “It’s time for breakfast then I’d like for you to finish stretching out with some yoga before the event starts.” I told him and watched carefully the people that stood up and walked out when North nodded and stepped off the ice.

  I did my best not to project my nerves onto North as the opening exhibitions began while people were seating. Novice and beginner skaters shared the ice and gave the people already seated something to watch until the event actually started. I had done an opening exhibition once. It felt like the dim dark past.

  “Hadley, relax.”

  I jumped at the tickle of North’s breath in my ear. “I should be saying that to you.” I murmured quietly.

  He squeezed my shoulders with a hand and I took comfort from it. I needed that comfort. I’d already seen people staring and whispering behind hands when North and I had moved to the seats reserved for skaters and coaches.

  The three hours it took for the women’s short programs felt like forever. I couldn’t stop myself from running a judge’s panel through my head as they skated. And as always my score was lower than the granted average.

  North was in the third round of skaters for the men’s short.

  “Advice?” North asked as he removed the protectors from his skates for the warm up.

  I shook my head and when I took the protectors, I squeezed his hand with my free hand. He smiled and nodded. There were no words needed at this point. He either had it or he didn’t.

  I watched him step out to the ice and stepped back to the side.

  “Hadley.”

  I turned to the woman on approach. Another coach. How many had I gone through? And how many would I see today? I hadn’t really counted the rotation of them. Maybe I should have.

  “Becca.” I thought that was her name and forced a smile to my lips.

  “I saw your father just last week in Memphis. He didn’t mention you were coaching again.” She said stepping up beside me and air kissing my cheeks.

  “I’m not currently speaking to my father.” I replied easily and stepped back removing her from my personal space. She frowned but covered it up with a brilliant smile quickly.

  “Oh. Well, then it would be news to you that he’s engaged?” she asked.

  I shrugged. I didn’t really care. My father had more engagements and broken engagements during my childhood than Britney Spears had relapses.

  She made a tut-tut sound. “You really don’t care.”

  “The only thing I care about at the moment is this event.” I faced her only for a moment. “If you want to talk about my father you’re wasting your breath, Becca. I don’t.”

  She pressed her lips together in a thin line before stalking away.

  “I dislike that woman.”

  Startled, I turned to the woman on my left. I didn’t recognize her, so she hadn’t been one of my coaches. “Hadley Becke.” I held out my hand.

  The much older blonde smiled and shook. “Dorothea Caine. I know who you are Hadley. Can you skate on that?” She gestured to my right leg.

  “Can’t jump on it,” I answered, used to this question. “The impact is too much a strain.”

  Dorothea nodded. “I had to have a hip replacement done after a car accident ten years ago. I had to quit skating. Hurt too much coming down on it.”

  I looked at her startled. She smiled and nodded at me.

  “Your boy looks good. Mine isn’t as clean a skater as that. Good luck to you.” />
  “The same to you.” I returned with nothing else to say.

  She nodded again and said nothing further.

  North

  I insisted on driving home. After two days in St. Paul, Hadley looked drawn and worn out. And I had learned a new lesson the hard way. Hadley was good at what she did and when she said “you’re not ready.” There was a reason for it.

  I sighed again at the thought of the thank you for participating tee shirt in my bag. Eighth place. I could be thankful of twenty I had been in the top ten. I would have preferred the top five. But I had let nerves get the better of me and I hadn’t landed my Axel during the short. And during the long, I touched the ice on my Lutz, again.

  Hadley had curled up in the corner of the passenger seat and knocked out the moment I got on the highway. She hadn’t said much from the start of the event to the end of it. I missed the old Hadley. The one that didn’t avoid me.

  I had seen the people stare at her and had hated it. She had held her dignity and ignored it. I had also seen the people talking to her over the course of the two days and saw how draining it had been on her to maintain her pride.

  I was glad we were going home. I knew now, I had a lot of work to do, and I wouldn’t question Hadley again if she told me I wasn’t ready. Practice made perfect and in figure skating, perfection was needed to compete. I understood that better than ever now.

  Hadley yawned and stretched as I pulled off the highway onto our county route. “Almost there then?” she asked looking around. Her eyes were still shadowed but the shadows weren’t as dark as they had been in the city.

  “Yes.”

  She nodded and studying me. “You look tired. You’ll go home and get some rest. We’ll take the next two days as off days. You’ve been training hard for the event and could use a slow down.”

  “All right.”

  When I pulled into the rink’s lot Hadley jumped out before I could put the Jeep in park. “Let me get your bag.”