Leaving Tracks

by Victoria Escobar

  Hadley shook her head slowly. “No, I don’t want to.”

  “Then we won’t. And who knows. Maybe together we’ll be stronger than he is.”

  Hadley turned her face into my hand and kissed the palm. “I hope so.”

  Hadley

  I hoped I hadn’t driven North into the ground. It had taken a lot of work on both our parts–and more than a little give on my part to get him ready for Sectionals. I could only hope he was ready.

  February has breezed into March far faster than I had liked. North hadn’t had enough of ice time with his new skills–at least not in my mind, and what ice time he did have we went over and over the programs for Sectionals. I should have held him out until the start of next season, but if he wanted that Olympics in eighteen months he needed to be seen and heard of a lot sooner than July. Though waiting until July would have certainly given him more time to be comfortable with his new skills. But it wasn’t the skills I was worried about. North knew his programs; knew his music.

  The slight fatigue around him worried me. He wasn’t as aware as I’d like him to be, but that was mostly my fault and not his. It may have been his dream, but I was the one holding the whip to get him there.

  Morning warm-ups went smooth, I reminded myself. As North and the four other skaters in this round did their competitions warm-ups, I scanned the arena. I saw a lot of faces that I knew. And felt a lot of hostility at my presence here. Not that I cared about that. It was hostility towards North I was more concerned about.

  My father had been nerve rackingly silent. I didn’t know what he was waiting for but I knew he wouldn’t stop until I failed–and that meant North failing to.

  North had said he’d stop skating. I believed he would and that made my father’s threats all the more painful. If it had only been my dream he was determined to destroy I wouldn’t have cared, but it wasn’t just me. I hadn’t made mention of any of it since the day of his tests and North hadn’t asked. It was a burden he didn’t need on top of this competition.

  “What’s wrong?” North asked as he rejoined me off the ice.

  I shook my head. “Nerves. This is important. This could decide whether you go to Olympics or not right now. It’s difficult to tell sometimes.”

  “I’ve done nothing but breathe, eat, and sleep figure skating for the last thirty days.” North pointed out.

  It actually wasn’t an argument in his favor. Many of the skaters here had been skating for years. They lived figure skating as a lifestyle. North lived it as a dream. The determination and skill levels were certainly stacked against him.

  I reached out and took his hand. “Just do your best. That’s all I can ask you for.”

  North lifted our hands and kissed my fingers. “You’ve always asked me for more than that.”

  An official with a clipboard came over as a skater–I couldn’t remember his name–exited the ice. “Mr. Graton? You’re up next.”

  North nodded and released my hand.

  “Listen to the music, North. Nothing but the music.” I told him as he bent to remove the blade protectors.

  He nodded his face calm and relaxed. I was the only one close enough to see his hand shake as he handed me his blade protectors. He took a steadying breath then stepped out onto the ice and I stepped back.

  I missed the short program scores for Lucas Finnigan as I had been focused on North and trying to calm him.

  “Our next skater, joining us from the Fergus Falls Skating Club, North Graton.”

  I felt the nerves in my stomach and took two calming breathes even as North did the same. He could do this. I had to believe he could do this.

  North took his place and I watched–or tried to watch–him with a critical eye. He was skating to one of my favorite guitar and Native American flute pieces. He was smiling a little as he twisted around the rink and there was fluidity to his movements that wasn’t usually there on the practice rink.

  He was so strong and such a beautiful skater when he relaxed. His quad triple combination was as always a clean motion. I couldn’t really pick out any weakness in him. And that was my flaw. I wanted him to be perfect there on the ice. Not being able to pull out his flaws would also make coaching difficult. I needed to be able to make him even stronger.

  North was grinning like a fool to the rousing ovation he received as he slid to a stop on the ice. He stood from the curled position and made his bows before coming over to me. Without saying anything, I handed him the protectors.

  “A clean skate.” I said once we stepped away from the ice to sit and wait for his scores.

  North rolled his shoulders and shrugged. “Axel was a little shaky.”

  “But you landed it without touching the ice for once. Your Lutz too.” I replied neutrally. “It could have been worse.”

  North nodded. “I can almost hear the critiques running through your mind.”

  “It was good, North. Better than the Cancer event certainly.”

  North winced. “I would hope my recent practices were better than that.”

  “North Graton has earned a short program score of eighty five point seven three.”

  I nodded. “Puts you in second. Not a bad place to be so far. We’ll have to wait and see how the others do to get a feel of what’s needed for your free.”

  North nodded, “Would it be rude to eat now? I’m starving.”

  I shrugged. “That’s up to you really. We can probably walk up to concession and see what they’re offering if you want to watch the rest of the skaters.”

  North grinned. “I could use a hotdog.”

  North fist pumped the air when we had reached the privacy of our hotel room. Still riding on the energy of his free skate he jumped up onto the bed and bounced once before throwing himself down and laughing like a lunatic. If I hadn’t know why he was so happy I might have thought him just that, but the silver medal he clutched in his hand was a clear clue to North’s mood.

  “Second, Hadley!” North jumped up and unable to contain himself grabbed my arm and pulled me into a tight hug. “We got second.”

  His kiss was more enthusiasm than skill and just as fast as his giddy bounce.

  “It’s not first.” I managed when he let me pull away enough for air.

  “It’s certainly better than eighth.”

  He had a point. A very valid point, but I knew, believed he could do better. And I knew he would.

  “Yes, but it’s still not first.” I replied standing my ground on the issue. “First would have been best.”

  “Yeah, well.” North scowled and slumped into a chair. “I didn’t do a quad triple Axel combo either.”

  “Your Axel isn’t your strongest jump.” I pointed out sitting in the desk chair. “You will get better.”

  “Are you wearing that to the event party?” North asked looking over my clothes as he stood.

  “I’m not going.” I told him. I had decided this on the drive out to Minneapolis. I couldn’t hold onto North as he grew. I had to let him go and experience. I had already done all those things and had no intention of repeating any of them.

  What was that old saying? If you love something let it go, and if it comes back… Well, I had no hope of North coming back once he was gone, so it was probably better not to dwell on that.

  North was staring at me with a more critical eye than I was accustomed from him. “You’re not going?”

  “No.” I hoped my tone was final but by the frown that now marred his brow it didn’t appear to be. “This is your moment.” I added. “All I did was coach. It was you on the ice. Go, take your moment. I’ll be here when you get back.”

  “And what are you going to do when I’m at dinner and a party for at least four hours?” he questioned slowly as if the idea was foreign to him.

  “I skimmed the TV Guide earlier. The extended editions ofLord of the Rings are being featured on FX tonight. I’ll have popcorn and a movie. Well, three of them.” I answered holding his gaze.

  North
shook his head. “Nope. Not buying it. Why don’t you want to come to dinner–which I’ve been assured–is fabulous, and a party that will allow me to publicly grope you while dancing without consequences?”

  I rolled my shoulders. He was not acting the way the script in my head had assured me he would. Perhaps I didn’t know North as well as I thought I did. “I just don’t feel like anymore people today is all. I’ve been stared at all day. I could use some quiet time.”

  North stared a moment longer before nodding. “Okay. Well, I’m getting in the shower.”

  “Sure. You earned it.”

  I used the time to get out my clothes for my shower, pull out a bag of popcorn that was apparently, a movie amenity for this hotel, and get the pillows ready to veg. I would go straight from shower to bed–at least once the popcorn was cooked.

  I didn’t think I’d be awake for more than half the first movie, but it was the thought that counted. It didn’t really matter since North wouldn’t be here to snuggle and tease.

  North

  Hadley jumped into the shower almost before I had gotten out of the bathroom. The TV was on and I could see the commercial playing for the upcoming TV premiere ofLord of the Rings back to back Marathon. She had been completely serious.

  The dinner was in the banquet hall of the hotel, and I hadn’t brought anything super nice for a gala type dinner, so I settled on dark jeans and a gray button down that made me look as country as I would probably feel around all those people downstairs. I hadn’t dealt with such a large group of people since high school prom, and I wasn’t really sure if the same rules would apply here.

  I had banked on Hadley leading the way, and following her actions. She knew how to deal with these people. Even if she had been outside the circle for some time, she had still been a part of the circle at one point in time. I was a new comer and without her would make–most likely–a total ass of myself.

  “Hadley,” I knocked on the bathroom door before popping it open slightly.

  “Yes?” I saw her head through the frosted glass turn my way in the not quite steamed mirror.

  “I’m heading down. You sure you don’t want to come?”

  “Ha! And miss all the eye candy on TV for a bunch of snobs? No. Thanks. Have fun. Relax, and if you think it’s not polite to say then it’s probably not.”

  “Yeah, sure.” With little choice, I closed the door and left our room.

  It wasn’t hard to find the banquet hall. All I had to do was follow the noise. Apparently, figure skaters liked to party hard before eating. I could only imagine what they would be like after eating. The thought made me tense up a little. I wasn’t a drinker–I wasn’t old enough to drink, and I knew most of the skaters weren’t. This was a disaster waiting to reach fruition.

  I stood in the lounge area in front of the double doors trying to decide what to do. I could go in, eat and potentially get dragged down with all the rest of them if/and/or the cops and/or parents were brought in. I could go down the street–even without my coat–to the little Italian place and get some to go food for Hadley and I, then go join her for her Lord of the Rings gluttony. And lastly, I could just go upstairs, without food, and curl up next to her–just go to sleep which was one of the other screaming desires of my body at the moment.

  It wasn’t brain surgery. I knew I wasn’t going into that throng without Hadley. It was more of a matter did I want food or sleep more?

  Still, undecided I turned from the door and started back the way I came. Since I knew going in wasn’t an option there was no point in standing here.

  “Oh, hi, handsome.” A hand clamped on my arm before I got more than five steps away.

  The girl I didn’t recognize. Or rather I didn’t recognize her until she smiled. She was one of the skaters but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember her name. It was slightly demoralizing to realize I didn’t care what her name was or that a few months ago–before Hadley–the pretty blonde with pert nose and shinning summer sky eyes would have caught my attention. Now all she got was my annoyance.

  “North, right?” she continued, her voice breathy and giddy at the same time. “I’m Katie. Katie Westerlow. I skate from the club here.”

  I vaguely remembered her skating and the fact Hadley had frowned and shook her head at the barely there costume she had worn. I had agreed at the time with Hadley–it had been vulgar–but Katie could skate and that sort of made up for it. Her dress tonight didn’t have much more fabric than her costume had.

  “Are you coming in to the party?” Her words slurred a lot more than they should have at quarter till eight.

  “No.” I gently removed her hand from my arm. “I forgot something upstairs.”

  “Oh, it’s okay. You don’t need much in there.” She tipped forward, and I caught her by the arm before she could fall. I also caught an eyeful of naked flesh I hadn’t wanted to see.

  I steered her towards the seats and pushed her down still mindful I was a lot stronger than she was. “You should take a minute and clear your head. I’ve got to go.” I said to her and tried to pull away but she clung to my arm.

  “Don’t go. Come party with us. We’re a really fun crowd.” She batted her lashes and licked her lips in a way that made my stomach roil.

  If Hadley changed her mind and came around the corner this wouldn’t look good. And that was something I wasn’t going to allow. Hadley didn’t trust easily and I had no intention–accidental or otherwise–of breaking her trust.

  “No.” I said it firmly the way I imagine Thierry would sound when I asked for something he didn’t approve of. Her face fell even as I untangled from her hands.

  “Party pooper.” She muttered.

  I barely heard her as I started walking the moment I got free. Not that I even cared. I wasn’t about to risk my career on the “party”. As I reached the lobby and headed for the doors, I notice three police cars pulling up to the curb. I had no doubt where they were heading.

  When I made it back to the hotel with a bag of takeout Italian and some cheesecake that was bound to fall short of Avala’s ambrosia, the three police cars had turned into ten. I shook my head and for the most part ignored the going ons as I took the elevator to the twelfth floor.

  Overall, the evening had been a total waste. I had only been gone an hour, there were cops all through the lower levels, and I still hadn’t eaten yet. One of the issues could be resolved; the other two had to be counted as a loss.

  The room was dark when I entered but for the flickering of the TV. Bilbo was offering Gandalf eggs but that wasn’t what had my attention. Hadley was propped up in bed, her bowl of popcorn on the nightstand and her chin resting on her collarbone. She was dead asleep.

  “Watching the marathon my ass.” I muttered only loud enough for my own ears, as I didn’t want to wake her. Sighing I contemplated.

  I could eat without her. I wasn’t a child after all. Or I could put the food in the mini fridge, we could eat it for breakfast and I could go curl up in bed with her. Both options were appealing in their own perspectives.

  I put the food away, shed my clothes, and climbed in bed with Hadley. I didn’t bother with the TV. She turned and curled into me as I settled next to her.

  “How was the party?” she uttered against my shoulder.

  “Fine. Go back to sleep.”

  Hadley’s breathing evened back out. I fell asleep counting her heartbeats with the TV on in the background.

  I was stuck in the most awkward of places and I didn’t like it. I had made the excuse that I needed to be in my studio for schoolwork, but in reality I wanted the time to think. I needed time to think, and plan, carefully.

  I had a break after Sectionals. Or more accurately, Hadley hadn’t scheduled another competition until July after the start of the new season–four months away. Officially, I had less than a year left to get myself out there and on top if I wanted to be considered for the Olympics in the coming February. It was possible but a very slim window accordin
g to Hadley.

  As I sat in my studio drawing various still-lifes for class, I wasn’t sure if that was actually what I wanted anymore. I loved my art–all aspects of it a little more than I loved dragging myself out of bed in the morning and slapping on my practice skates for Hadley.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t love to skate. I did, but after months of practice and the actual experience of competition, I realized something. Or maybe I just realized it as I sat sketching.

  I loved to skate because my mother had taught me to. I loved to skate because it meant that for a moment I was closer to her. But it wasn’t actually my dream I was chasing. It was hers.

  Quitting wasn’t an option though. If I quit, I’d lose Hadley. There was no doubt in my mind that she would pull away if I didn’t need training anymore. She’d see her role as finished regardless of the fact we have a personal relationship.

  Her vanity could use some work. If she had more, I wouldn’t be afraid of quitting. She’d just assume that not skating didn’t mean not seeing her. At the moment, I didn’t doubt that Hadley thought exactly the opposite. To let go of skating would mean to let go of everything–including her. That was something I wasn’t going to do. So how did I let go of one and not the other? I hadn’t a clue.

  “Surprised to see you here.” Wesley strolled into the studio holding a stack of papers.

  “It’s my studio.” I mumbled and focused on my schoolwork. “And I wanted some time with my art. Even if I’m not throwing clay, I feel comfortable in here. I imagine the same way you do in the kitchen.”

  “We’ll you’ll be pleased to know that you’re going to need to fire up the wheel.” Wesley set the stack of papers right on top of my sketchbook. “You’ve sold twenty pieces since coming home with second place. Apparently, the most common answer to ‘how did you hear about me?’ is ‘I saw you skate and Googled your name’ or variations of that.”

  Confused I looked at the papers and back at him. “People are buying stuff because they saw me skate?”