Leaving Tracks

by Victoria Escobar

  “It helps just being home.” I told her.

  “We need to talk.”

  I winced at the words every man hates to hear. “At a little after one in the morning? Can it wait until say a little after ten in the morning?”

  She smiled and shrugged. “I guess.” She ceded and then handed me a teacup. “Drink and then we’ll sleep. I’ve got to go get Jack in the morning. I miss him already.”

  I laughed. “We can do that.”

  Hadley allowed me to hold her hand as we stepped out of the rink and into the bright midmorning light. She automatically waved towards the window–even though I couldn’t see Avala in the kitchen–and then we turned towards Graton land.

  “I was serious when I said we need to talk.” Hadley began.

  “I know.” I rolled my shoulders uncomfortably. “So, talk away.”

  “I need to know what your plans are since we just blew the Olympics.” Hadley stated and there was a cautious note in her tone. That wasn’t what she wanted to talk about but it was a decent opener.

  I shrugged, “Same stuff I’m doing now. Focus more on school maybe. Create my art, skate with you, teach that dog to pee outside because let me tell you the first time he uses one of my boots…”

  Hadley walked quietly for a moment, “You know,” she began slowly; “you don’t have to feel obligated to keep me company. I’m sure there are other people you’d like to spend time with. Your brothers probably miss you.”

  I counted to ten in my head just to be sure I wasn’t angry when I spoke, though the hurt cut deep. “I don’t feel obligated.”

  At the tree stump where we first met, I pulled her down and sat with her. She didn’t resist, much, and sat stiffly.

  “Hadley,” I turned to look her in the eyes. “Just because I’m not skating anymore doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you anymore. So I ruin our chances at the Olympics, fine. I’m okay with that.”

  “You were poisoned. That doesn’t really count as your fault. And I insisted you go with Roni.” Her eyes watered a little but she didn’t cry.

  “It’s not your fault any more than it’s Roni’s.” I told her.

  “But.”

  “Hush a minute.” To ensure she did so I placed three fingers over her lips. “I realized something back before my registration was unjustly suspended. It didn’t worry me as much as it should have because I didn’t really care as much as I thought I did. I kept skating for you. So I could see you every day. So I could hear you laugh. So I could watch you sleep.” I frowned. “That sounded a little creepy. Okay, the point is,” I rushed on, “skating wasn’t really my focus. You were.”

  She wrapped her hand around my wrist and moved my fingers. “North, I’m a crippled skater with a blank future at the moment.”

  “You’re a fluid and graceful skater, with a whole world of possibilities ahead of you. I hope, you’ll let me stay in your life.” My voice dropped and I realized that if she cut me out of her life she’d be cutting out my heart. “Hadley, I love you.”

  Words I had only given my mother spilled from my lips. I had wanted to wait to give these to her. Wait until I had the ring in my hands and our family sitting around the fire pit with the moon and stars overhead. But this felt right.

  This was where I had met Hadley. This was where she entered my life. And this was where I began to fall in love with her.

  Her mouth formed a surprised “o”, and her hand lifted to fiddle with the Native American necklace she never took off. “North, we spend a lot of time together…”

  Before she could continue, I leaned in and shut her up with my mouth. She would just try to reason out of it. Try to make little of what was so very huge for me.

  I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer. Her hands pressed against my chest but she didn’t push me away.

  “I may have ruined our professional relationship,” I murmured when I pulled back enough to let her breathe, “but this has nothing to do with that. I’m not letting you go Hadley. I can’t. I need you.”

  Hadley sighed and buried her face against my neck. “What could you possibly need me for?”

  “Well, we both know I can’t count for shit.” I joked and was rewarded with a shaky laugh.

  “No, you definitely can’t.” She agreed.

  “Without you, I don’t get up before sunrise.”

  “You’re barely awake when I do get you up.” She protested.

  “But I’m up.”

  She sighed.

  “Hadley, I love you. Please don’t leave me.” I whispered into her ear.

  “No one has ever said it to me, besides my sisters.” She murmured. “I always thought that maybe there was just something wrong with me.”

  I squeezed my arms around her tighter. “There is nothing wrong with you. You just hadn’t found me yet.”

  She laughed again but sobered quickly. “North…”

  “Just think about this.” I pulled away far enough she was forced to look up at me. “I love you.” And I kissed the tip of her nose. “Come on. Let’s go get Jack.”

  Hadley

  He was a puzzle. A contradiction of contradictions. Or maybe I was just twisting things up. Maybe I was over complicating something that was actually very simple.

  North belittled some of the details with Wesley. Told him that he’d gotten food poisoning and couldn’t skate. It was acceptable reasoning. And it was better than freaking his brother out.

  I wanted to think Jack was thrilled to see me again. Wesley had gotten a child’s play pen–from where I didn’t know–and had set up a little play area for my puppy. Jack was shaky on his legs but he yipped and greeted me with the kisses a puppy was known for. It centered me more than I thought the conversation with North would have.

  If I confided in Glory, I know what she would say. She’d look smug first then say, “I told you so.” What would Avala or Morgaine say?

  Avala would want whatever made me happy, I admitted to myself as the puppy brought me a knotted sock. I frowned at the sock. The puppy was turning out to be a welcome distraction.

  “Is this my sock?” I asked incredulously and picked it up to study it.

  “Yes. Glory brought it over. One of North’s is in there too.” Wesley grinned down at the puppy. “Glory said it would be good for the puppy to be able to recognize your scents. It’ll help him identify who his caretakers are.”

  “Oh.” It made sense and I supposed a sock was better than a shirt or something.

  “And she brought a shirt over for him to sleep in. I think he likes it.”

  I only sighed. Of course she did.

  “I’ll walk you home.” North offered. “I want to do some art tonight so I’ll stay here.”

  I looked up at him in surprise. I had assumed he’d come back with me. I had assumed he wanted to talk more about it.

  “We’ll barbeque again tomorrow.” Wesley said. “It’ll be a nice night.”

  “That will be fun.” I said absently still puzzling over North’s current action.

  I reached for him more than a dozen times during the night. At around three, frustrated, I picked up the puppy’s bed and set it on the bed next to me. It wasn’t a great substitute, but the puppy’s little snores comforted, as I lay awake.

  North was more than just as skater to me. That much was obvious with my inability to sleep without him close. But I hadn’t even dared considered what he was to me.

  He was a friend. He’d been a friend since… I chuckled to myself. Since I laughed at him at the lake.

  He’d been more than a friend, a lover, for several months now. Though we didn’t do more than sleep most nights. Mostly because I had skated him to the edges of fatigue. That wouldn’t happen anymore. Did that mean more regular sex? Was that even important?

  When had he moved in? Why hadn’t I noticed? Because I hadn’t really cared that he moved in, I decided, trying to be completely honest with myself. I had liked having him close. Liked his company as much as he
said he liked mine.

  I had been scared, so damn terrified when he fell on the ice. My heart had stopped and drawing in air had been like breathing through a straitjacket on my lungs. I hadn’t thought about moving, I had just done.

  The hospital was somehow worse than watching him fall. Watching him sleep in that sterile room was harder somehow, more painful than the initial first minutes of getting to him.

  Why was emotion so hard for me to admit? Why was it so hard for me to even think what North had said out loud? Why did it terrify me?

  Jack whimpered and bellied over to me and licked my face.

  “Yeah,” I rubbed a hand over him. “I know. It’s time to eat.”

  I scooped him up in an arm and not bothering with a robe hastily attached my leg. I stopped in the living room and just stared. North was lying on the couch stretched out with one of my books from the shelf and a book light. He looked up from the book.

  “I couldn’t sleep,” he said.

  “You could have come to bed.” I said for lack of anything better.

  “Didn’t want to wake you.” He closed the book and stood. “Time to eat?”

  I nodded. “I wasn’t doing a very good job at sleep either.”

  He sighed. “I’m sorry, Hadley. I didn’t want you to feel pressured about… Well, us.”

  “It’s…weird.” I decided finally. “We’ve been together for so long, working together, spending time between school, work, and your shop that I hadn’t ever thought about you and me. It just sort of was. Now that I’m thinking about it, without the buffer of skating…” I huffed a breath, “It scares me a little.”

  “I think,” North said as he pulled the items out of the cupboard for the puppy’s bottle. “It’s supposed to be. That if it wasn’t scary a little then it doesn’t really matter all too much.”

  I nodded slowly. “I suppose you’re right.”

  “We should go for a walk tomorrow. There’s something I want to show you.”

  “Okay, I guess.”

  He handed me the prepped bottle. “Better get our little guy fed.”

  “Yeah.”

  It was awkward and it was all my fault. I knew this of course. I dressed in the bathroom, which considering he’d already seen me naked, wasn’t practical in any form. North didn’t mention it though, for which I was grateful.

  “You are sure Jack will be okay?” I asked again as North took me by the hand and led me across the property towards Graton.

  “Yes. We’ll be back before the next bottle. He’s got a training pad, and his socks. He was asleep on your tee shirt when we walked out. He’ll be fine.”

  I recognized the path from the winter trollop through the woods and frowned. “Why are we going to the tree grotto?”

  “Because I want to show you something.” North stated simply and continued leading the way through the winding trees. “Here.”

  He stopped in front of a tree and put his hands in his pockets. I frowned at his back before looking at the tree. Then I frowned at the tree and stepped forward.

  The eighth place tee shirt was ripped into strips and tied around the low hanging branches. The pink strips waved gently in the breeze. His two silver medals were hanging from higher branches. I noticed other things in the tree too. The blades of an old pair of skates, and laces from something else. I hadn’t noticed when the tree had been covered in snow and ice but now each little thing stood out in the late autumn morning.

  “Every time I moved forward in my skating career I gave Mom a memento of it.” North said quietly. “I wanted to share with her, maybe give her a little piece of what she hadn’t been able to reach on her own. Skating was her dream before she met my dad.”

  I reached for his hand and linked my fingers with his. “You made it yours.”

  “For her because she died teaching me her favorite thing to do.” North answered. “And I love to skate so it wasn’t hard to adopt her dream.”

  “But it wasn’t really your dream, was it?” I asked quietly, “You just hadn’t figured out what you wanted yet.”

  He nodded. “It gave me something to focus on, to believe in. But you,” he looked down at me, “you gave me something else. And what you gave me felt…like a homecoming. Like this was what I really was meant to do and this was how I was really meant to live my life.”

  We had more in common than I had ever given credit for. I had lived my father’s dream and North had lived his mother’s. And here we both stood under the fading leaves of the tree that had set him on his path.

  “I don’t know if I love you,” I said quietly. “I don’t know if I would even recognize the feeling to know if I love you. I know I love my sisters but what I feel for you is so different, so encompassing, I don’t know what it is.”

  I felt his hand spasm in mine and squeezed gently.

  “But,” I looked up at him. “If love means not caring that you on occasion forget to put the toilet seat down, or leave muddy footprints up the stairs then I suppose I might love you. Or if it means being scared breathless when you crumple and lie deathly still. Or if love means I can’t sleep unless I have your breath and warmth beside me.”

  North turned fully and pulled me into a tight hug. “It means all of those things.” He murmured into my hair. “It means not bitching when you’re dragged out of bed to clear snow off the roof, or cringe when you have to get up for the third time in the middle of the night to feed a newborn puppy.”

  “You bitched.” I pointed out. “Both times.”

  “Love means doing it anyway.” North replied with a laugh. “Can you say it Hadley? Without the qualifications?”

  I pulled back enough to look up at him. It was terrifying, but it felt empowering. “I love you.” I whispered.

  He grinned, bent down, and placed a chaste kiss on my forehead. “I love you too, Hadley.”

  North

  Hadley was sitting at the desk running through the accounting. I knew she was still there because I heard her sighing and the occasional oath still. Since Jack was still too small to be in the shop, he was keeping Wesley company in the house.

  We had spent the last few weeks relearning everything we knew about each other without the buffer of skating between us. It made me smile to think of it.

  Hadley skated whenever the mood struck and avoided the rink like a plague on bad days. I was getting adapt at identifying those days too. She had more good days than bad though, and I wasn’t sure if she even realized it. She seemed happier than she had been when she arrived. I’d like to think that was me, but I’ll give partial credit to the environment and the puppy.

  The phone rang and since I was only spilling slip molds, I stepped into the administration area to answer it. Hadley beat me to the phone but put it on speaker so she could keep typing.

  “Good morning, Graton Ceramics. How can I help you?”

  I grinned. Hadley had adopted the name off the website for answering the phone. It was actually working well.

  “I’m attempting to contact North Graton or Hadley Becke. Are either of them available to speak to?” A stuffy man’s voice came from the speaker.

  “I’m Hadley.”

  “Miss Becke, I’m Connor Duponte.”

  “I know who you are Mister Duponte. How can I help you?” Hadley’s voice had gone rigid and I stepped up behind her to rub her tense shoulders.

  “Mr. Graton hasn’t been seen on the ice since Spain and we would like to extend a direct invitation to Boston Nationals. We would also like to express that if he should skate in the National event he would have an opportunity to skate in Korea.”

  “I’m not skating any longer.” I said before Hadley could answer. “It’s purely for pleasure now. I’ve found something worth more than standing on a podium in Korea.”

  “Mr. Graton,” Connor began.

  “No, no thank you.” I cut him off. “As I’ve already said. I’m done skating. Thank you for the offer.”

  “As you wish. Have a good day.”
The line clicked off.

  “North,” Hadley turned to look up at me and I leaned down to kiss her silent.

  “This is the only reward I need.” I murmured against her mouth.

  A throat cleared and we both looked to the door where Rhett stood half in and half out of. “Wesley says if you don’t want him feeding the dog the ham gravy, you’ll come over for dinner now.”

  “He better not feed Jack ham gravy.” Hadley bolted up and out the door before Rhett could move.

  I laughed. “Wesley’s about to get tanned. I’m going to shut the lights off. I’ll be right out.”

  It felt good, I decided as I walked through and began shutting down. I didn’t need a medal in Korea, or a championship in Boston. All I needed was Hadley.

  I pulled open the drawer on my work desk and pulled out the little black box that I had stashed there before leaving for Spain. There was only one thing left to do. Hadley was about to get another surprise after supper. I had no doubt life with her would be magical.

  The End

  Wow. Every time I finish a book I have to take a moment and just decompress. A few things go through my mind when I sit and stare at the final words. In the primary, running for attention is, “Crap, did I remember to write down all the people that I should be thanking?” Because the reality is even though I bled on the page, I’m not the only one that sweated.

  I probably wouldn’t have finished without the ladies of the Sprint or Die conglomerate. The fun, ideas and chaos that we’ve shared certainly helped propel this book forward when it started dragging feet. You are wonderful, and I appreciate each of you.

  Anna, my treasure, my heart, my sanity all belong to her. By now everyone knows I hate editing. The quick and painless service she provides keeps me in the word count and out of the booze. Thank you Anna.

  Thanks to all the patience of my family that dealt with the snarling, the huffs, the frowns, the not so nice words when writing was interrupted. My heart doesn’t beat for one but many, and that collection is called family. I love you.