Surrounding the couch that made out to my bed are my friends.
Fuck…
Deklan stands and he nods toward the recliner. “Have a seat, Ryder.”
Brooke and Curtis are holding hands on the couch, and Kenzie and Ange are sharing an oversized chair. Both look ready to bolt.
I want to run away as well.
Appetite suddenly gone, I set my sandwich aside and take a seat.
“How long have you been using?” Brooke blurts, and Curtis puts his hand on her thigh. I’d been around them long enough to know it was his way of keeping her calm. Brooke could be a raging bitch when she wanted to be.
Although they’re all staring holes into me, it is Deklan I look at. I can see in his eyes that he wants me to tell Brooke she’s wrong and that I’m straight. That I’ve held up my part of the promise to my band and that I’d stayed drug-free.
I’m fully prepared to lie through my teeth, and basically to do anything to save my own ass, because these people are my lifeline. If it wasn’t for Deklan, I’d literally be on the streets, and if it wasn’t for the band, I’d have nothing to drive me to continue moving forward and facing another endless fucking day.
“I drank some cough syrup because I haven’t been able to sleep for shit,” I blurt out, hoping they buy it. “Too many days of no sleep was just fucking with my head too much.”
Deklan runs his hands down his face and presses his palms together in a praying position, fingers resting against his lips. “You swear?”
“I swear,” I say, hating myself for lying to my best friend.
“You’re taking a drug test, dude,” Curtis says matter-of-factly. “If it’s positive, then you’re out of the band.” His voice has zero emotion. “Until you can get off drugs and stay off. You get clean, then you’re back with open arms.”
My irritation must have shown on my face because Brooke sits forward in the chair. “Ryder, we made a pact. If we break it, then what’s keeping the rest of us from going off on a bender? We can’t stray from the rules for one person. The rules have to apply to everyone.”
My heart pounds so loud, I’m sure everyone can hear it. I don’t want to be replaced again. I know that little asshole who’s been coming by Branded keeps mentioning he plays bass. Wouldn’t he just love to take over for me. “Fine, I’ll take a drug test then.”
Deklan clears his throat. “Gorge Days is the second week of August and we’re set to open, so everyone needs to be in top form.”
I barely hear the announcement. Gorge Days is huge. Every band in the Pacific Northwest has tried to snag the gig. I cannot fuck this up.
Brooke and Curtis are hugging due to the news, and I’m elated…and terrified at the same time.
I have to pass this drug test.
Because if I’m out of the band, especially now that we landed Gorge Days, then I’ll never forgive myself.
Deklan and I clasp hands. “Dude, you did it,” I say, knowing how hard it must have been to keep it from us. And I know why he told us now. He wanted to divert the attention away from me, and probably wanted to give me motivation to keep my ass straight as well.
“Congratulations, you guys,” Kenzie says. She’s beaming with pride as she gives Deklan a hug.
Ange adds her congratulations as well. She won’t make eye contact with me though.
All around me everyone is so happy and it’s a huge cause for celebration. We’ve waited forever for this opportunity. I just feel regret. Major fucking regret. I need four days. Four days to piss clean and save face with my friends and bandmates.
“Gorge Days or no Gorge Days, you can’t be in the band unless you’re straight, Ryder. We’re serious.” This comes from Brooke, who can’t keep the excitement off her face about the amazing news, but she is serious. I almost want to remind her about her near fatal experience with drugs not that long ago. Did she forget that I sat in a room and watched as a machine breathed for her after her overdose?
Christ, all I had done was slip a few pills.
I stand, pissed that she has sucked the joy out of this moment. “Brooke, I said I’ll take a test, alright?”
Deklan steps forward. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” I say. “I’m stoked about Gorge Days. You did it, dude. I’m proud of you.”
He smiles. “We’ll kill it. You just wait and see. It’s just the beginning for The Frozen.”
I glance at Ange. I expect her to be gloating after seeing me being reamed by my buddy. Instead, I swear I see a glimmer of tears in her eyes. She’s uncomfortable. No wonder. She doesn’t live in this world. No doubt she wishes she was back in San Diego in her high society charity ball bullshit life.
I don’t want her fucking sympathy.
Miss High and Mighty, with her super-jock secret boyfriend.
She drops her gaze to the floor between us.
Kenzie doesn’t say anything, but I do see sympathy there, too. If it were up to the girls, I’d probably stand a chance. Well, aside from Brooke, but she’d always been one of the guys.
I can’t take it. I’m stifled in here with my best friends in the world. I want their understanding, and yet all I feel is their condemnation.
I walk past Deklan.
He grabs my arm. “Ryder.”
“I’m okay. I just need to fucking breathe. All the air has been sucked out of this room.” I force a smile I don’t feel and he relaxes and nods.
“I’ll be right back,” I say, and he releases me, but not before giving me a surprisingly tight hug.
My throat tightens and I feel his heart pounding hard. Why couldn’t I be the man he wanted me to be?
I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up. I want to say the words but I don’t. I swallow them and pull away, go up the steps, and out onto the porch.
I take a fortifying breath of fresh air.
If only…I think.
If only I hadn’t taken the pill at the concert.
If only I hadn’t relapsed like a weak motherfucker.
I run a shaking hand through my hair and twist the strands. Like pulling my hair out from my head will help the remorse coursing through my veins.
I’m an idiot.
The screen door opens and slams.
“You okay?”
It’s Ange.
I glance at her. “Yeah, just a little surprised.”
She reaches up, puts a hand on my shoulder, and gives me a squeeze. “Just take the test and show them the truth.”
Wow, did she honestly believe me when I said I hadn’t used? Of course she did. She had probably never been around a druggie before. “I bet you wish you were on a beach in Hawaii right about now.”
She shakes her head. “No way. Hawaii can’t compare to spending a summer with Portland’s up-and-coming rock stars.”
“What must you think of us?” I say, almost to myself. I’ve heard the stories about her. I know she’s a Catholic schoolgirl, comes from huge money, and still has her virginity intact…at least until the end of her summer break. Kenzie’s brother will be sure to take care of that.
Like Kenzie, Ange is everything that is good in the world and I am as dark as night.
I want to tell her to run as fast and far as she can, back to California…away from me and what I could do to her and her innocence.
“You’re great, talented, and an all-around nice guy.”
I snort.
She slaps my arm. “You are.”
“You’re just blowing smoke up my ass.”
“You’d know it if I was trying to blow smoke up your ass,” she says, and I can hear the laughter in her voice.
I relax. “Just think of the stories you’ll have to tell your Catholic school buddies when you get home.”
“Trust me, the
y already know about you.”
I lift my brows. “Really? Tell me everything.”
“You’re incorrigible, you know that?”
I smile. “Yeah, a little.”
“You were a great topic of discussion. We didn’t know very many bad boy rockers in the circles I ran in.”
“Bad boy rockers, huh?” I lean back on my heels. “Hmmm, that has a ring to it.”
“Don’t let that go to your head,” she says, and she’s smiling.
I laugh under my breath.
“You know, I’ve heard of some things that might be able to help you. I mean … if you’re struggling with not sleeping.”
I frown.
“You mentioned taking cough syrup.”
“Oh right.”
She shrugs. “My mom is big into the holistic approach—you know, like yoga, acupuncture, and herbs.”
“Does it work?”
“My mom says it does. Seriously, she won’t take an aspirin, and she suffered with insomnia for years. Doesn’t anymore though.”
“I’m up for anything, but you have to remember…I don’t have a lot of money.”
“It’s not about money. It’s about you being okay.”
She’s serious. I see the sincerity in her eyes and I’m touched by her thoughtfulness. Of all the people in our little group, she’s the last person I expect help from.
“You’re alright, Ange, you know that?”
I’m surprised when she leans in and nudges my shoulder with hers. “You’re just now seeing that, huh?”
Ange
I feel sorry for him.
Although Ryder had been an absolute asshole to my best friend at one time, I can’t shake the feeling of sympathy I feel toward him.
It seems like everyone is ganging up on him.
He’s agreed to do a drug test, so what are they freaking out about? Obviously they were wrong about him using. I want to hug him and tell him everything will be okay.
“You want your sandwich? I can go get it for you.”
“Nah, I don’t have an appetite anymore.”
He’s putting on a brave face. I’m aware, as is everyone here, that he loves his band and that he was destroyed when he’d been kicked out of it before. For his sake, I hope he’s telling the truth about not using. I want to believe him, I know that much.
He reaches up and lifts my chin with strong fingers.
My pulse leaps, and slowly his lips lower to mine and he kisses me.
I feel a strange compulsion to run.
And yet oddly, I lean into him and he deepens the kiss. My arms slide around his neck, and I’m pushing my chest against him.
His arms are around me and he squeezes me tight.
His tongue slips past my lips and I groan low in my throat as it sweeps past my teeth.
The kiss is surprisingly subtle—almost like he’s waiting for a response from me.
How different this kiss is from the one I shared with Cole.
Cole, who had told me earlier today that he was looking forward to seeing me later tonight. I had felt excitement ripple through me at the declaration.
And yet now I was making out with Ryder?
Ryder! The one guy I couldn’t stand. The guy who made me grit my teeth whenever I was around him. Until yesterday at least. Now I felt…differently.
Don’t do it, a little voice inside my head was screaming. Ryder and I were like oil and water. We just didn’t gel. He was a bad boy rocker, and I was a good girl bound for Pepperdine.
Ryder didn’t have any college aspirations that I knew of, unlike Cole who would no doubt go on to take over his father’s businesses.
My father would welcome Cole with open arms. His was the kind of pedigree my family had come to expect from me and my sisters when it came to our significant others.
Both of my parents would scare Ryder off with a glance, letting him know without words that he wasn’t good enough for their baby daughter.
Inside I hear a gasp, and I immediately pull away.
Ryder is looking at me. Those blue eyes, dark with desire, make me think all kinds of indecent thoughts. He makes me a little weak at the knees. I’ll admit it. I want to experience every single thing he can teach me. This man who has so little self-control.
The screen door opens and I don’t have to look to know it’s Kenzie. She clears her throat, and I jump like I’ve been shot.
All the text messages she’d sent me and the late night phone calls where she’d been crying about Ryder instantly come to mind.
“What are you doing?” she asks, and all I can do is swallow hard and glance at Ryder.
Big mistake.
His eyes are so heavy-lidded, and I feel sort of like I did earlier today when he looked at me when I was wearing just my swimsuit. It’s like he can see straight through my clothing. That sexy look says so much.
I want him. That scares me even more than my friend’s look of disbelief as her gaze shifts between me and Ryder.
The sides of Ryder’s mouth lift ever so slowly. Kenzie shifts on her feet and pulls me close as he walks down the stairs and away from us.
He doesn’t make it five feet before Deklan is out the door, following him. “Ryder, where are you going?”
“For a walk.” He sounds exhausted.
“I’ll go with you.”
Kenzie watches the two walk off into the darkness and then turns to me. “What just happened?”
I stare at the two best friends as they become spots on the horizon. “I honestly don’t know. I felt bad for him. Everyone was accusing him of using and he looked so sad, so I followed him out here…and the next thing I know he was kissing me.”
“Ange, you were kissing him back.”
I can’t very well defend myself. I did kiss him back, and damn if I hadn’t loved every second of it.
I knew it, Kenzie knew it, and more importantly, Ryder knew it.
Kenzie sighs. I see the genuine concern on her face. “Ange, he will chew you up and spit you out.”
“Kenzie, settle down. It was a kiss. He was just showing his appreciation.”
Her brow arches. “Appreciation?”
“You hate him. I get it.”
“I didn’t say that.”
She didn’t have to. “Ryder’s okay. He’s—”
Brooke steps out onto the porch. “The Ryder Affect hits again.”
I frown. “You both are making too big a deal out of a kiss.”
“Girlfriend liked it,” Brooke says with a knowing smile on her lips. “I saw how you pulled him down closer.”
My cheeks grow warmer by the second.
Busted.
“Can we go?” I ask, so ready to leave before Ryder returned. I need to be alone with my scrambled thoughts.
THIRTEEN
Ryder
Curtis is downstairs with that little fucker Alec.
What the hell? He’s already planning my replacement? I haven’t even taken the piss test yet and he’s bringing a fucking fourteen year-old in to replace me?
I hated to admit it, but the kid did have some serious skills. He would never have my ability to work an audience though.
Unable to stand the sound of the kid playing a difficult riff with no problem, I head for the door.
Fuck this shit.
I half expect Deklan to be on my heels. I make it a point to be quiet, so hopefully he’ll just get the idea that I want to be alone.
An old lady who lives on the corner street is out watering her roses. She sees me and gives me a smile and I give her a wink.
She giggles like a girl and for the first time today I grin.
That was my problem. Maybe I was too proud, or
maybe I was too fucking tired to care any longer. I was coming out of my skin, and I want to take a Xanax more than anything.
I reach for my phone, and my thumb hovers over Dac’s number.
He can get me what I want, no questions asked. No one needs to know. Just something to take off the edge and make me feel more like myself and less like I’m coming undone.
How the hell do my buddies think taking me away from what I love will help with my sobriety, especially when they’re shoving it down my throat?
I hit Dac’s number. He doesn’t pick up and I don’t leave a message.
I pocket the phone and keep walking.
Five seconds later my phone buzzes with a text alert.
Dac: What’s up?
Me: Stressing…
Dac: I’ll be around until four.
He lives at least a mile away.
I start jogging.
All along I’m asking myself what I’m doing and coming up with a million reasons why I should stop using. One reason being a certain gorgeous girl with green eyes and reddish brown hair, who is ornery and complicated, and yet classy and kind.
Every single day I don’t use is a victory, I tell myself, even as I keep running in the direction of Dac’s house.
Dac is waiting for me on the porch. He’s smoking a cigarette and puts it out in an overflowing ashtray that looks like it’s been around for decades.
“Come on in, Ryder.”
A few years older than me, Dac still lives at home. His mom was involved in a bad car wreck years ago, and that’s when he started snagging her meds. Soon he was selling them at school, and then he got his own connections. It’s not like he was ever obvious though. He didn’t flaunt money like a lot of people in his business did. He stayed under the radar.
His mom is asleep on the couch, a soap opera blaring on the big screen television.
Dac doesn’t bother to turn the volume down as we head into his room.
“So…Xanax?”
I flinch. It’s pretty bad when a drug dealer knows your drug of choice.
“Yeah. Maybe an oxy or two.” Oh my God, what am I thinking? I’m playing with fire.
Ryder's Redemption (Badboy Rockers #2) Page 10