The second I hear her door close I get up and hook my bra.
Cole’s gaze drifts to my pajama pants. I can’t tell if he’s embarrassed or not. Maybe dry humping is something he does regularly. At least I’m still a virgin.
“Good night,” I say.
He reaches out and grabs me by the wrist. “Wait a second. No goodnight kiss?”
I lean down and he kisses me softly. “Sweet dreams,” he whispers against my lips.
I linger for a second, and I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. He releases me and I have no choice but to return to Kenzie’s room.
Thank God she’s sleeping. I change my underwear and pants and slide into bed beside my best friend.
Before I know it I’m crying, and I can’t put my finger on why I’m so upset. Maybe it’s the disappointment of having such a high expectation and the reality was just such a let down. Would I actually feel better right now if we’d removed our pajamas and had sex? Or would I feel even worse than I do right now?
I’m pretty sure I’d feel worse if we’d actually had sex.
I thought of the kiss with Ryder earlier that night. I hadn’t felt even a smidgen of guilt. I hadn’t. In fact, I had appreciated him making me feel desired.
I was never sure if Cole was just afraid to take our friendship out of the friend zone, or if he was worried about what Kenzie and her mom would say. Now I knew he had a girlfriend, and from all accounts, they were really serious.
But you didn’t do anything wrong. At least that’s what I try to convince myself, even as I continue to cry and fall into a fitful sleep.
Ryder
Lying on my bed, I stare at the ceiling.
My entire body is shaking. I want a fucking pill so bad I can’t stand it.
Deklan had crashed a few minutes ago and I hear him moving around in his room. I wait until I hear the creak of his bed before I get up and go toward the fridge, and most notably, the freezer, where there is a fifth stashed.
Tequila definitely isn’t my drink of choice, but beggars can’t be choosers. I wince when the bottle makes a clinking sound as I remove it.
I’m hiding behind the door of the refrigerator, so even if Deklan walks out, I can hide what I’m doing. I unscrew the cap and take a long swig.
The liquor burns its way down my throat and I welcome it.
I have pills I can take, but I can’t do it. Not unless I know I don’t have to take the piss test.
Honestly, I hope the band has forgotten about the drug testing. Tonight I played better than I had in weeks. Deklan was surprised that I’d pulled Ange on stage, and yet he told me understood why I had done it, and he had even managed a smile as though to say he would have done the same thing if he’d been in the same position.
I take another long drink before I replace the cap and set it back inside the freezer.
Sliding under the sheets of my uncomfortable bed, I wonder what is happening over at Kenzie’s house. Payton had said she was staying the night with a family member who lived thirty miles north of Vancouver, which meant Cole and Ange were probably keeping each other comfortable.
I grit my teeth just thinking about Cole and Ange.
He would tell her everything she wanted to hear. No, baby, I’m not dating Payton. She’s just a friend. Don’t worry about it.
I know all the lines, all the moves, all the excuses. I’ve made them. Hell, I’d been busted screwing Kenzie’s friend red-handed and I’d still denied it.
Girls believed what they wanted to believe. They would turn on their friend before they would turn on their man, even if that friend was the one who had fooled around with their man.
I think of Ange tonight as she watched me on stage. When I’d pulled her up there, she’d wanted to knock me out. I could see it in her eyes, and yet she’d surprised me in all the right ways when she’d kissed me back and so willingly.
Amber, the brunette from the janitor’s closet, had pulled me aside afterward. “You never called me,” she had said, managing a pout.
“I’ve been so busy,” had been my lame excuse as I had kept one eye on the backstage door, just waiting for Ange to walk out.
“Can I come home with you?” Her eyes were so desperate, and I honestly felt bad for her. She had a sorry life ahead of her if she continued to spend her nights attending concerts and having meaningless sex with men who would never treat her the way she yearned to be treated. “No, not tonight.” It hurt to say those words. She looked hurt. I had used her and we both knew it.
But Ange.
She was different.
She was a good girl with an attitude. Someone who was destined to do amazing things in her life and have opportunities that most people could only wish for.
I’m amazed she’s managed to hang with us and even enjoy herself. If her parents could see her now, they would probably be horrified, I think with a smile, actually laughing when I remember her splashing me in the face at the lake. Even she’d been surprised by her reaction.
Little did she realize I had gotten under her skin.
She was just one more reason for me to stay straight.
Tomorrow was another day. Tomorrow would be easier, I tell myself as I turn off the bedside light and hope for sleep to come.
SIXTEEN
Ange
By five o’clock the following afternoon we had Deklan and Ryder’s new apartment pretty much put together. The guys had spent their time doing all the heavy lifting, while Kenzie, Brooke, and I unloaded boxes, putting the kitchen, bathrooms, and living room together.
I had noticed that Deklan had given Kenzie carte blanche on picking out everything for the kitchen, but when it came to art—he had a specific taste and he had chosen pictures. The gothic style mirror in the entryway had been Ryder’s choice.
“Deklan’s credit card has to be hurting right about now,” Brooke says, and neither one of us argues with her. He had already dropped a pretty penny at a few stores in Portland and Vancouver.
“He’s excited though,” Kenzie adds. “He’s never had his own place.”
Brooke snorts. “Yeah, well, it’s not like he’s living alone.”
“Yeah, but living with Ryder is different,” Kenzie says, and I can see she’s getting defensive of her man and his choice to have his best friend move in with him.
“No, I get it.” Brooke stifles a yawn and glances at the clock on the stove. “Anyone else starving?”
“Yeah. Deklan mentioned a pizza place a few blocks over off of Reserve street,” Kenzie says, handing Brooke a few twenty dollar bills. “You want to head over and order for us? The guys like—”
“Dude, I know what kind of pizza they like,” Brooke says, pocketing the money. “I can’t tell you the amount of pizza we’ve eaten during practice jams.”
“True,” Kenzie says, and hoists herself up on the counter.
“I’ll call you when it’s close to being ready.” The door closes behind Brooke.
Silence follows her departure. I feel Kenzie’s stare on me. “You’ve been so quiet today. What’s wrong?”
I shake my head. “Nothing.” I continue unloading glasses from the dishwasher and place them into the cupboard.
“Mom said that you were watching TV with Cole last night. Did something happen between you two?”
“No,” I snap, and immediately wish I’d kept my mouth shut. She knew me too well. No matter how much I tried to fake it and be happy, it just never seemed to work. Kenzie could always sense when something was wrong.
And she was right. All day I’d been stressing about what had happened last night with Cole. I couldn’t believe, especially after meeting Cole’s girlfriend, that I had allowed things to go so far.
We could have so easily had sex, and I would have woken up without my virgi
nity…and he would probably drop me like a hot rock.
“I know it was tough with Payton showing up last night, and then them going to the concert with us. Nothing like having your nose shoved in it.”
“Payton is nice,” I say, a little too quickly.
Kenzie frowns. “That’s the second time I’ve heard you say it.”
“I mean it. She is nice, and she and Cole make a good couple. It was just a silly schoolgirl crush anyway. I live in California, and he lives in Washington. It’s not like it would ever go anywhere.”
“One day Cole will move back to San Diego though. I’m sure Dad expects him to run his businesses when he retires.” She squeezes my hand. “If you like him, then don’t give up.”
I didn’t understand why I felt this way. Ironically, Cole had behaved a lot in the way I had hoped. He’d paid attention to me, and actually moved really fast and let me know that he liked me. I had always hoped and fantasized that we’d be the ultimate couple. That I would see him when he came to San Diego to see his dad, and I could fly up to Seattle once every couple of months and visit him.
It had all seemed so easy then.
Now it seemed completely unrealistic.
And of course, I hadn’t included a Payton, or any other girl, in the picture. Now it was complicated, and I didn’t see the happily ever after I had originally envisioned.
Heavy footsteps come up the staircase and we both go quiet.
Deklan opens the door and pops his head in. “Hey, we have the couch. Want to help clear the way here?”
“Sure,” Kenzie and I say in unison, moving aside the mostly empty boxes.
“We’re going to have to turn and lift,” Curtis says, cussing under his breath. “Jesus, we might have to cut this fucker in two in order to make it fit.”
I hear Ryder laugh, and the sound makes me smile.
“Dude, we’re going to have to unscrew the feet.” Ryder is already unscrewing one of them, while Deklan starts on the other.
I glance at Ryder. Dressed in a white sleeveless t-shirt and ratted out jeans, he is the epitome of sexy.
Last night the way he’d pulled me on stage and kissed me in front of everyone—it’s like the world had stopped for a short space of time. He hadn’t made it weird afterward, even if I was a bit embarrassed by my reaction.
I tried not to think about Cole. Maybe a part of me just felt…dirty. I did one thing I told myself I would never do…and that was to go after a taken man. I knew, by way of my best friend at least, how it felt to be on the receiving end of an unfaithful boyfriend. I swore I would never be that kind of girl.
I had been exactly that kind of girl last night. What horrified me more than anything was how easily I could have gone to the next level. I’d been so caught up in the moment and lost all sense of control that I had forgotten that I actually was with someone who had made a commitment to another person.
Payton’s declaration that she and Cole were exclusive haunts me today.
Curtis’s phone rings.
“We’ll be right there,” he says. “Brooke said the pizza will be ready in five. Let’s get over there.”
We walk to the small pizza shop. I’m a few steps behind the group and watch as Ryder lights a cigarette. He rests his head back on his shoulders and releases a long, steady stream of smoke into the air.
He glances back at me, stops and waits for me to catch up.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
Oh my God, was I that obvious? I nod. “Yeah, definitely. Just a little tired.”
“Okay, I thought maybe I said something…”
“No.”
Once again, I feel close to tears. I had just had my period, so I had no excuse as far as blaming my emotional status on PMS. Nope, definitely just men problems in general. If I had been home, I would feign a sick day, curl up in bed, and sleep the day away. I couldn’t very well do that here, especially when the guy who was causing me so much mental anguish was sleeping twenty feet away in the next room.
Ryder slides his arm around my shoulders and brings me in for a hug.
I push him gently. “I hate the smell of smoke.”
He drops the cigarette and crushes it beneath his shoe.
“Now you’re going to litter.”
“Wow, you’re busting my balls today.” He stops, picks up the destroyed cigarette, and tosses it in the garbage bin.
The others have walked ahead of us. He puts a hand on either one of my shoulders and squeezes. “I’m here for you if you need me.” My stomach tightens at the contact.
I know Ryder is going through his own stuff, what with dealing with his recovery and facing roommates who thought he had relapsed. It was nice for him to think of me. I suddenly felt extremely selfish.
“Come on, you two!” It’s Curtis, and he’s keeping the restaurant door open for us.
“Promise me you’ll let me know if you need something.”
“I promise.”
Brooke has saved us a booth in the packed restaurant. I slide in beside Kenzie and Deklan, and Ryder sits with Curtis and Brooke. I sit directly across from Ryder.
He takes a sip of pop and I stare as he is talking to Deklan about things that they still need to pick up at the old house.
I take in everything about him. The way his lower lip is pretty full, how long his eyelashes are, how blue his eyes could get, how high those cheekbones are. My gaze slides to the hands around the glass. They’re strong, the fingers long, and I can only imagine what those hands can do. I remember him playing the bass, how those fingers had danced over the strings with such skill.
“Do I even want to know what you’re thinking?”
I glance up and those blue eyes are staring straight at me. The sides of his mouth are lifted and his brows are furrowed.
“Probably not,” I say. My voice has a touch of flirt to it, and I quickly reach for my pop and proceed to knock it over…right in Ryder’s lap.
I freeze. I’m horrified as everyone in the restaurant turns to look our way.
“Oh my God, Ryder. I’m so sorry.”
He stands up slowly. His belly and crotch are soaked.
Oddly I think of last night and the little event with Cole, and I want to cry all over again.
Brooke hands him the silver napkin holder and he pulls a couple out and does his best to soak up the excess.
A woman in her early twenties walks over and gives Ryder a towel. She cleans up the mess and gets me another pop.
I continue to apologize profusely. She shrugs it off, and I’m grateful. I just wish everyone would quit looking.
“I’m going to change,” Ryder says, heading for the door. “I’ll be right back.”
I’ll go with you. I want to say the words but they stick in my throat, and instead I watch his retreating back as he leaves.
The table falls silent until Brooke makes a comment about the upcoming concert. I’m grateful no one made me feel like more of an asshole than I already do.
I only partially listen to the conversation around me. I’m excited about the concert too, but once again I’m getting a little tired of our lives revolving around The Frozen and their schedule.
Ten minutes goes by and Ryder still isn’t back. Then fifteen minutes. At twenty minutes Deklan looks at his phone. “What’s taking him so long?”
“Do you want me to go check on him?” I ask, ready to be out of the restaurant altogether and away from conversation about Gorge Days.
Deklan is easing up out of the bench, but Kenzie rests a hand on his arm and he sits back down. “If you want to.”
I was only too ready to get out of the restaurant.
I half expect to run into Ryder as I walk back to the apartment. I pass by an old couple. The lady smiles and wishes me
a good evening, and I am reminded how most people back home rarely made eye contact.
Life here just seems less harried, I suppose. Not everyone is in a rush to get where they’re going and that’s a welcome change.
I walk up the steps toward the apartment.
The apartment door is partially open. I walk in and nail Ryder in the face as he is walking out.
“Jesus, woman, are you trying to kill me?” he asks, holding his nose.
“Oh my God, are you bleeding?”
He touches his nose and sure enough, it comes back wet with blood.
I push past him to the kitchen and yank the roll of paper towels off the counter. I wet one and approach him.
Wary of me, he reaches out for it, but I push his hands aside.
“Put your head back,” I order.
He does as I ask.
Along with blood coming from his right nostril, there is also a red line along the bridge of his nose.
“I’m so sorry, Ryder.”
“You’re apologizing entirely too much.”
“I’ve been such a klutz lately.”
“You mean you’re normally not?” There is that smirk again.
“No, I’m not a klutz.” Well, that was kind of a lie. “I mean, I have my moments…except for when I am around certain individuals.”
“Like me, you mean?”
I clear my throat. “Just around guys, I think.”
“Who else makes you nervous?” he asks in that silky soft voice that makes the hair on my arms stand on end.
“You don’t make me nervous.”
He lifts his brows.
“Okay, well maybe you make me a little nervous. Let’s face it, your reputation precedes you, so I think that’s why I’m a bit apprehensive.”
“Apprehensive, and yet I’ve grown on you, haven’t I…despite your desire to hate me?”
“Maybe a little.” I smile. “And for the record, I don’t hate you.”
I realize he’s changed into track pants.
Ryder's Redemption (Badboy Rockers #2) Page 13