I couldn’t take it anymore. My mind was racing about what Miles had wanted to talk about. The feel of him so close to me was making me anxious. I couldn’t shake the fear that he regretted last night, and it mixed with my jealousy at him acknowledging Erin. I was about to scream as loud as I could. I cleared my throat and set my fork down. I couldn’t force myself to eat another bite.
I cleared my throat and spoke. “So, can we just stop for a moment and really ask why everyone showed up at Miles’s place this morning?”
Everyone paused. My folks looked at Jen, then back to me. “Right now?” my mother asked, a quick glance around the restaurant.
“Why not? It was y’all’s idea to come here. I would have been fine back at Miles’s place.”
That earned a dirty look from my father aimed toward Miles, and Miles shifted in his seat some.
“Listen, things are…delicate…right now between me and Miles.”
“Delicate?” Miles asked. I wasn’t sure if he looked amused or annoyed at my choice of words.
“I’m sure it is obvious to everyone that we are, well, we’re, um …” My voice trailed off, and I felt all eyes on me. Miles wore a sexy grin. He really did like leaving me on my own.
“You’re what?” Jen and my mother both asked in unison.
I was about to answer, and I honestly had no idea if this was what Miles truly wanted because we hadn’t talked yet. I closed my eyes and let myself calm down a moment. “Dating.”
Smiles erupted on both moms’ faces and even my father cracked a small one. Very small. But still, I saw it.
“But we have some things to talk about, and I’m feeling a bit…”
My eye glanced over the café. Most of the people were ignoring me, but some were focused on our table. That’s when I saw Nancy, my sister June’s best friend. She walked in carrying her little girl Milly in one arm and holding the hand of her son Luke. I suddenly felt a rush of sadness wash over me. I shook my head and stood. “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, and I, well, just want to be alone for a bit. Excuse me.”
I started for the exit. I wasn’t sure why the sight of Nancy had caused such a reaction, but it had. It felt like the walls of the café were closing in on me and I needed to get the hell out of here, and fast.
I headed for the park across the street. A few moms were there; two of them I recognized from high school. Another stab of sadness hit me as they saw me and waved.
“Hi, Kynslee!”
I lifted my hand and replied, “Hey, y’all!”
I sat down on a bench. Our little downtown area was adorable. Local businesses had started a project about five years ago to make it not look like a rundown old mining town, even though no mining had ever been done here. They brought in a company to help restore all the buildings around the town square, The Mercantile being one them. They added a small fountain and pond area. The park in the middle of the square now held a playground and a small stage where the high school drama class put on shows throughout the year. We even had Shakespeare in the Park. Theaters from around the area would come to the park in the summer and put on plays. It really was an adorable downtown. And it was my home. And Miles was finally back, and I felt more alone in that moment than I had in years. And Whiskey was going to be pissed because I’d been gone all night, and he didn’t have his yummies this morning. My world felt like it was collapsing in around me.
Miles sat down next to me. He took my hand in his and laced our fingers together. The loneliness instantly melted away.
“I didn’t mean anything by my comment about Erin. The last time I had seen her, she was a little girl. I wasn’t meaning it in any other way, and I’m sorry if it sounded like I did.”
I turned to look at him. “How do you know I was bothered by that?”
He laughed. “You turned cold as ice. I didn’t have to think too long and hard about what brought on the change. What I don’t understand is what’s going on in that pretty head of yours. What’s between us is delicate, Kyns? What does that even mean?”
I sighed. “From the moment I found your note this morning about wanting to talk, I’ve been battling this internal dread. I keep wondering if you regretted last night. If you want to tell me it was fun and that’s what we do is hook up and move on. No strings attached.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything like that. I like strings. In fact, I like all of your strings,” Miles said with a sort of wicked undertone.
Giving him a soft smile, I squeezed his hand. “Then our parents showed up, and your mom saw me naked, and I couldn’t figure out why they were all there.”
“Your folks noticed you didn’t come home last night, and they were worried. They called my mom asking if I knew where you were. She mentioned you stopped by last night looking for me. I guess your folks came over because….”
He stopped talking. “Why would they come over if my mother had said you were okay?”
“See!” I said with a laugh. “They are in on the recon.”
Miles rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay, it was weird of them to show up, but in their defense, Kyns, I think they’re really happy for us.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I think so. Our moms are for sure. Daddy, well, he is a typical father. But he wants to see me happy, too.”
Miles placed his finger on my chin and turned me to look at him. “I wanted to talk to you because I felt like I owed you an explanation about that morning, five years ago.”
I chewed on my lip. He broke our eye contact and gazed out over the fountain, a pained expression on his face. My heart started to beat faster as I waited for him.
“Okay.”
“First, let me start with apologizing for just showing up and expecting you to run off and marry me. It’s hard for me to tell you how I feel about you.”
“Why is telling me how you feel so difficult?”
Miles shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’ve held it in for so long, trying to protect you.”
“Protect me!” I cried out, a strangled laugh escaping. “Miles, all you did was hurt me every time you left.”
He jerked as if I’d hit him. Then he nodded, as if he knew why I had said that.
“I had planned on coming home and telling you I wasn’t signing back up for the Marines. I was going to ask you if you wanted a future together. Build a life, family.”
“Was that what you wanted?”
He nodded. “Since before I even went into the Marines, but like I said, I had so much pressure trying to take care of my mom and my family.”
I gasped. “The night when you told me you were going into the Marines, why didn’t you tell me that? Miles, we could have started our lives together years ago.”
He sighed. “I didn’t want to do that to you, Kyns. I knew I was going to be leaving for months at a time, and then I’d be going on dangerous missions. I didn’t want to put you into that situation where you had to worry if I’d ever make it back home.”
I stared at him. “Miles, I would rather have had a few stolen moments with you than not have you at all. Besides, as your best friend I already worry about you, you know.”
Miles turned and our eyes locked. “I guess I didn’t look at it like that.”
Rolling my eyes, I replied, “Obviously.”
“Anyway, by the time I hit twenty-five I was ready to go home. Get back to you. You already know the story behind why I signed back up again. All I ever wanted was a future with you, and I’ve built up a nice nest egg us for us.”
“Us?”
Miles closed his eyes, and I could almost feel the regret pouring off of him. I took in a deep breath and got myself ready for what he was going to tell me. I had a feeling whatever it was would cause me to fall more in love with him or want to kick him in the balls. There’d be no in-between.
Miles
“US?” KYNSLEE ASKED, her voice sounding so defeated.
I’d known that morning five years ago that I had fucked up. Now it came slamming b
ack into me all over again.
Rubbing the back of my neck, I went on. “That night meant everything to me, and for the briefest moment I let myself believe it would all work out.”
She drew her brows in and looked at me with a confused expression.
“When we woke up in the morning, I was ready to make the commitment. Not marriage. I couldn’t do that to you just yet. I couldn’t ask you to marry a man who could end up dying. At least, I thought I was ready to ask you. Then my phone rang, and it was my commanding officer. They wanted me to return early from leave to do the mission I told you about, the drug cartel leader. He was a mean motherfucker and was known for going after his enemies’ families.”
“Oh my gosh,” Kynslee mumbled.
“As I listened to my CO on the phone, I watched you getting dressed. My heart ached because all I wanted to do was crawl back into that stupid bed in the barn loft and hold you. Then some other switch flipped. The one where I had this underlying fear I’d end up like my father.”
“Your father?” Kynslee asked.
“Yeah, could I really commit to you? Why hadn’t I already done it? Why was I about to ask you to wait another five years for me instead of asking you to marry me? Why didn’t I just ask you to marry me that day instead of making that promise to do it at age thirty? A part me felt like I didn’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve your worry, or fear, or the faithfulness that I knew you’d give me. What if I wasn’t as strong as you? I mean, some other woman caught my dad’s eye enough to make him walk away from his whole family. I doubted every single thing about myself and about us in that moment.”
Kynslee turned on the bench. “Miles, look at me.”
I did as she said. “You are not your father. The sins of the father do not automatically fall to the son. You were young and scared, I understand that. I would have understood it then if you had told me. But we can’t go back and change the past. All I’ve ever wanted to know was why you walked away from me that morning. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for you. You made me feel that way.”
I closed my eyes. I could feel the tears building. Opening them, I said, “I’m so sorry, Kyns. I never wanted to hurt you. I didn’t know what else to do. I ended that call and listened to Jack asking you out. You turned him down, and I was so fucking happy, then I freaked out. I got so fucking scared because these emotions had me so overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to process them, so I did the only thing I knew to do. I pushed you away because I felt that was the only way to keep you safe.”
I wiped at a stupid tear that slipped free.
“When my time in the military was up, I figured, hell, we were thirty now. We’d just fulfill our promise to each other. I had no idea how to you win you back. I’ve never been in a relationship, rarely even dated. How did I pick up where I left off that morning when I clearly put you into the friend zone? I was scared you would tell me you didn’t want a future with me once you found out what I was doing, so I figured I’d use the promise we’d made to convince you. It was stupid, I know that. But it was the only thing I could think of to do.”
Kynslee sat quiet for a few minutes as we both glanced around the park. The laughing kids made me smile, but also gave me a dull ache in my chest. Something else was missing in my life, and I knew what it was.
“I honestly don’t know if I should be angry with you or wrap you up in my arms and tell you I love you, even though you’re a stupid asshole.”
“I’d be totally good with option two, if my opinion counts for anything.”
She looked at me, a small smile playing on her lips.
“Tell me why you left the restaurant just now?” I asked her.
Her eyes drifted away, and for a moment she seemed so lost. Like she was in another time.
“Do you remember Nancy, June’s best friend?”
“Yeah.”
“She walked into the café. Her two kids were with her, and I had this overwhelming sense of grief. I was so happy about last night, and the thought of us finally being together. Then I freaked out because your note said we had to talk, and I was worried you were going to tell me you needed me to marry you because you had some large amount of money coming and the only way you could get it was if you were married, or something like that. Can you tell I create scenarios in my own head that are usually much grander and more involved than reality?”
I laughed.
She sighed. “Then I had that weird jealous rage with Erin, and I was mad at myself for that. Then our folks were acting like nothing in the world was off this morning. Nancy walking in with her kids was the last straw. I thought about June. How she never got the chance to fall in love and have a family. She never got to live the life she deserved, and here I was being jealous toward these women who have a life I have always longed for. A life that I still have a shot at having.”
Kynslee wiped away a tear.
“I’m sorry I went about this all wrong,” I said. “I promise to work on my communication skills.”
Kynslee pulled in a shaking breath and blew it out in one rush. Then she giggled. “Miles, I think we need to see where this takes us. Yes, I love you more than I ever thought possible, but I’m still a bit uneasy. We’re going in the right direction, though.”
I nodded. “Does the right direction involve lots of sex daily?”
She rolled her eyes. “Dating, taking it slow. Getting to know each other again. That kind of direction.”
With a scoff, I stared at her. “I know you. You’re my best friend, Kyns.”
Her brow lifted. “What’s my favorite kind of ice cream?”
“Vanilla.”
“I don’t eat ice cream.”
“Since when don’t you eat ice cream?”
“About four years ago,” she said with a laugh. “What is my favorite type of movie?”
I smiled. She thought she was going to trick me on this one. She thought I would say romance because that’s what all women like. “Sci-fi.”
Her what the fuck look proved I had missed that one by a mile.
“No, it’s romance. I’m a sucker for a good romance.”
“Fuck, that was what I was going to go with!”
Kynslee moved closer, resting her head on my shoulder.
“Miles, what do you see when you look out over at that park?”
I glanced in the direction she was talking about. There were a few moms, a couple I remembered from high school, and kids playing everywhere. It was a beautiful fall day, so it wasn’t surprising to see all the people out and about.
“Kids playing on a playground.”
“That’s all you see?”
I looked harder. Off to one side a little boy bent down to look at something on the ground. His father was looking, too. I watched as the dad talked to his son and then marveled at the way the little one looked up at his father, like he held all the answers in the world. Then my eyes swung to a young mom. She looked exhausted as she rested her hand on her very pregnant belly, but when a little girl came running up to her with something, the mom smiled and held out her hand. She let out a scream and dropped whatever it was. Most likely a bug. She quickly smiled and bent over to kiss her daughter on the cheek before she ran off to find something else.
“Let’s see,” I finally said, “I see parents playing with their kids. Kids being ignored by a few parents.”
Kynslee giggled next to me.
“Kids playing with each other like they don’t have a care in the world. A few tired moms and dads, but a lot of smiling, happy faces. What do you see?”
She let out a loud, exasperated breath. “I see what I’ve been missing out on. I feel a longing in the pit of my stomach and an ache in my chest where something should be.”
I continued to watch everyone on the playground. “You want a family?”
“I do,” she said in an almost pleading voice. “I do want a family, not right this moment, but it is something I want in the very near future.”
“Are you aski
ng if I want that, too? Because if you are, I can honestly tell you yes. Very much so.”
Her head pulled back. A look of relief on her face. “It doesn’t spook you?”
Laughing, I replied, “Fuck yeah, it does. The idea of bringing a little human into this world and totally fucking him or her up for life… Well, it scares the piss out of me.”
She smiled. “It scares me, too.”
“Really?” I said, surprised. Kynslee had grown up with such a loving family. She had never wanted for anything and she had the most amazing folks. My mother was pretty fucking amazing, but she struggled, and after my deadbeat father left, Mom didn’t get to spend as much time with us. She didn’t go to all the football or volleyball games, but she did her best to go to a few. She didn’t have the money to buy us cars, so we bought old cars, and Rich and I worked on them ourselves. We may not have had her undivided attention all those years after my dad left, but she loved us.
“Why do you seem surprised that the idea of a family would scare me?”
I lifted my shoulder in a half shrug. “One, you’re a woman. Doesn’t every woman want kids?”
“No.”
“Really? Wow. I thought it was something that was built into your DNA. The need to procreate and all of that.”
“I know a few women who have no desire to have kids. Ever. A few I went to college with. One of them even had her tubes tied.”
“No shit.”
“No shit.”
We both smiled. “What’s after one?” Kynslee asked.
“Oh two, you come from a loving family.”
Kynslee laughed, hard. “Well, let me just say my parents are amazing, but in my mind they are perfect and I will never be able to parent that well. My mother is a little crazy, so I do worry that will come out whenever I wear the mom badge, but I plan on doing my best to stow it.”
It was my turn to laugh. “Okay, so we both want the same future. Marriage, kids, what about a dog?”
“Well, he’ll have to get along with Rowdy and Whiskey.”
I groaned. “No, no. The rooster cannot live with us. He’ll kill me, Kyns. I’m not sure how long I could sleep with one eye open.”
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