“Be careful, Mr. Webb. One day there might be a woman who steals your heart. Make certain she loves you or surely she will break it. You will be hunted for your fortune and there are many women like me who might have said yes just now.” I walked backward toward the door and paused in the open doorway. “Be careful.”
He nodded and I saw him slump down in his seat the moment I closed the door behind me. I took a moment to calm myself. I hadn’t noticed how my legs were quaking and how fast my heart was beating. It was over. There was no way to recover now. I stared at the puckered scars on my hand pressed against the wall. What had I done?
“Charlotte!”
I turned at the sound of Mama’s voice and told myself to be strong.
“Charlotte!” Her gaze settled on my uncovered hand. An eerie stillness settled on her face. “You have made a dreadful mistake.”
My eyes stung with tears, but I stood tall, feeling more free and brave than I had in months. “No. I made a mistake when I decided to return here to court these men. I cannot—I will not deceive any longer. I will not be the woman you taught me to be. One of your daughters managed to make an acceptable match for you, but I will not.”
Mama spoke through clenched teeth. “I made it clear that you were to keep your hand a secret until after you were married. He will never have you now!”
“And I am glad! Because I don’t want him!”
“How dare you—”
“You do not need an advantageous match from me! Not anymore. I thought that was what I needed too, but I was wrong. I will not marry a man of your choosing, of your—of your requirements.” My voice echoed in the hall and Mama cringed.
“I did not invest all these years, all these hours in a daughter that would become a spinster!” she screeched. “Mr. Morely has not met you.” She walked forward and gripped my shoulder. “I will invite him to dine with us next week and you will not ruin such an opportunity again.”
“No!” I pulled away and she gasped. “I mean what I say! I never should have returned to Canterbury. I miss Clara!” My throat tightened in a knot. “I miss James.” Tears dripped from my eyes and Mama threw her hands in the air with exasperation.
“Go back then! Leave!” she shouted. Her voice and demeanor calmed and she turned away from me. “Go. Marry this James. I have no use for you now.”
Something burned and ached inside me and I fought the urge to reach out and cry into her shoulder and beg for her forgiveness. But I knew she would only push me away. She could have thousands of creases in her sleeve, but each one would always mean more to her than her two daughters. I had learned that—I had finally seen it. It seared a hole in my heart nonetheless.
So I turned and walked away, leaving her in the corner of that empty hall. I sniffed and wiped the tears from my cheeks. How had I been so foolish? I had doubted Clara’s wisdom before and now every inch of me cried out in the agony of regret. I had doubted the strength of love, and now I was left with nothing but longing for it. I still loved James after all these weeks, and if it were possible, then maybe he could love me too. Maybe there was still hope.
I rushed to my room with renewed energy, clinging to my little drop of hope with eager hands. I threw the door open and headed straight for the bell pull. Anna arrived a long five minutes later, and I stood from my bed, heart pounding. “I need your help.”
She noticed my disarray and handed me a handkerchief. “What is it, miss?”
“I need your help to write a letter.”
z
I had known Anna was educated before coming to work as a maid, but was amazed by the perfection of her writing. Two hours later, we still sat in the dim light of my room, and Anna penned the final curve of the ‘e’ at the end of Charlotte.
“Would you like to read it over? To make certain I wrote everything as you wished?” Anna asked. She blowed the ink dry and extended the letter to me.
I took it, my hand shaking, and read.
Dear James,
By the time you read this, four months will have passed since I left you, and eight months will have passed since I met you. I thought too much of myself then and I thought I had changed, but I was wrong. Because I thought myself capable of forgetting you, and I know now that is impossible. Since I left not a day has passed that I haven’t thought of you. I have little experience with love, but I have no doubt that I have felt it. You captured my heart when I didn’t know I had one, and for that I am forever in your debt. A wise man once told me to write the things that are difficult to say, so here it is: I love you.
I don’t expect you to forgive me, but please accept this apology, and know that my heart is written on this page, and that I wish for you to keep it always. I lived without a heart once, and if I must, I will do it again.
Charlotte
I folded the letter as soon as I finished reading. My courage was wavering, and I didn’t know how much longer it would last. I handed the letter back to Anna.
“Please post this first thing tomorrow.” My voice shook.
She gave a gentle smile. “Of course.”
I rubbed my head and laughed, a crazed sound in my throat. “I’m mad.”
“Love does such things to a person.”
Gratitude surged through me. “Thank you for helping me.”
“ ’Twas my pleasure. I should be heading downstairs now. Mrs. Jennings will likely murder me for being away so long.”
I smiled, a tired twitch of my lips. “You are a wonderful friend. If ever I find a way to repay you, I will do it.”
She smiled before turning and leaving the room with my letter clutched in her hand. My stomach turned over and over at the thought of James reading those words. My cheeks burned. There was nothing I could do now. Nothing but wait.
z
I avoided Mama the following day, spending the morning hours by my stream in the woods. I brought a novel with me today, one I knew Clara would have liked, but found it impossible to focus on the story. There were too many other matters on my mind.
I watched the birds in the trees jumping from branch to branch, chirping in a language I didn’t understand. I lay back in the damp grass and propped the book under my head. I closed my eyes.
“Charlotte!”
The voice came from Anna. I sat up. She was running toward me, and I squinted. There was a square of parchment in her hand.
“This came for you,” she panted as she stopped beside me. “I said I would deliver it to you.”
“What is it?”
She didn’t speak but held the letter out in her hand. It came to my eye level where I sat on the grass. My heart lodged in my throat. It was from James.
I was afraid to touch it. How could I bring myself to open it? I was filled with so much anticipation and worry and excitement that I thought I might burst. For a moment my spinning mind thought that he had sent this as a reply to my letter, but Anna had just posted it this morning. He had written this—whatever it was—several days, if not weeks, before now for it to be arriving today. My hands were sweating and shaking as I took the letter from Anna. It was so unexpected, so nerve-racking, that I worried I would faint.
“Go on,” Anna said, smiling encouragingly. “Read it. Read it!”
I held the letter at the corners, and tore the seal with a delicate hand. James had held this letter not too long ago—he had written the words I was about to read with his own hand. With one final leap of my heart I unfolded the letter and let my gaze touch the parchment.
Dearest Charlotte,
I thought I knew what it was to love before. I thought I knew what it meant to be hurt by love. I thought I would see an end to this suffering, this longing for you, but I know I never will. You told me love wasn’t real, and that it wouldn’t last, but it seems that I have proven you wrong yet again. If what I’m feeling isn’t real, then please tell me why I can’t sleep at night, why I see you every time I close my eyes, and why I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms and never let yo
u leave me again. Because I know more surely than I have known anything before, my lovely friend, that my heart has chosen to love you forever. My words might not have kept you here, and they might not bring you back, but at least you will know you are loved. Because, dear Charlotte, you deserve to be loved.
It isn’t my intention to keep you from your dreams, no matter how strongly I disagree with them. If they will make you happy, and you are certain I cannot, then please disregard this letter. But if by some miracle you’ve changed your mind, and will dare to give your heart to a rugged fisherman, then please return to me.
I can’t offer you a life of grandeur. No endless wealth and entitlement, but I offer you my heart. I hope that will be enough.
James
I could hardly breathe. I sat there in the wet grass, reading the letter over and over again, until my eyes stung with tears and my heart threatened to burst. James loved me. He hadn’t forgotten me. I read the last line again, I offer you my heart. I hope that will be enough. It was more than enough. It was everything I ever needed. How had I been so blind?
I blinked my eyes dry and stood on my shaking legs. Anna was still standing there, and when she saw my smile she smiled back. “Oh, Charlotte! Is it good news?”
I laughed, a choked sound, and her grin grew wider.
“He doesn’t hate me!” I wiped my nose with my sleeve and grabbed Anna’s hand. I was practically jumping. “He wrote me this beautiful thing … a love letter. For me.” I shook my head and more tears, joyful, relieving tears splashed from my eyes. “He doesn’t hate me.”
She squeezed my hand. “Upon my word, it would be nearly impossible to hate you.”
“I must go back!” My heart pounded. “I need to leave today.”
Anna nodded and her curls bounced. “I will have your trunk and carriage prepared immediately.” She started to walk away, but I stopped her.
“Come with me.”
Her brow wrinkled. “Of course. Your mother would never have you travel unaccompanied.”
I shook my head. “That is not what I meant. Leave your work for this household and come to live in Craster! Clara and Lord Trowbridge will surely employ you. You will be treated with kindness and I am certain your wages will improve. You have become such an invaluable friend these months, Anna, and you deserve every happiness.”
Her eyes were round with shock. “Are you certain?”
“Yes!”
She hesitated for a moment longer before her face broke into a smile of such gratitude and joy that my heart melted. “Thank you.”
“Shall we leave in the morning?” I asked.
Anna nodded. Everything I had been missing these last months came flooding back to me, and all the hopelessness and uncertainty fled. I knew, without a doubt, that I would travel anywhere in the world if it meant I could see James again. I also knew, without a doubt, that the next ten days would feel like a lifetime.
Chapter 26
“And ruin’d love when it is built anew, grows fairer than at first, more strong, far greater.”
My feet touched the rocky path in front of the home of Lord and Lady Trowbridge in the late afternoon. Everywhere I looked I saw green. From bright, lush green to deep and dark emerald green—all breathtakingly beautiful and like nothing I could have imagined. The sky was still gray, but with patches of blue that peeked through the thin clouds. I heard trills of birdsong, and I could smell flowers and sweet, salty sea air. The breeze was cool against my skin. My eyes swept over the surrounding landscape, and my heart beat fast with joy and nervousness and a strong sense of belonging all at once.
My mind traveled back to when I had seen the painting James’s mother had done in the secret room. The colors were even more vivid now, seeing Craster in the spring through my own eyes. Everything seemed so different than before, and as I walked away from the carriage, it felt like I was breathing for the first time in four months.
I inhaled slowly in an effort to calm my racing heart and scattered thoughts, and savored every detail of this place I had missed so dearly. I was home.
Anna followed at a distance behind me as I made my way toward the front door. I glanced heavenward and prayed that Clara would be home … and that she would forgive me. James could be anywhere, and I needed her and Thomas’s help to find him. My stomach fluttered violently at the thought of seeing James again. What would he do? What would he say?
I thought of when he had kissed me, and my face tingled with heat. A small part of me still wondered if these last ten days had changed his mind all over again. Love was a fragile thing in my mind, and I feared every second that passed could still break it. I needed to see him to be certain his words were honest, that he did love me, and that he would forever. And I needed to be sure that he knew the same was true for me. I loved him. I couldn’t bear to be without him. Not a moment longer.
I walked faster, and soon I was at the door, waiting to be let inside. The butler opened the door with an inquisitive eyebrow, but then Clara appeared behind him. My face broke into a smile and my eyes welled with tears. “Clara,” I choked.
She gasped and ran forward, throwing her arms around me. “Charlotte! You are here! When did you arrive?” her voice was quick. She pulled away to look at my face. She looked shocked to see me, happy, but also frantic.
“Just now,” I said. “I’m very sorry, Clara. I should have listened to you, I should have stayed. You were right.” My head was shaking. “I wish I had been here for your wedding. I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your letters. I was just—” I sighed, at a loss for words to explain my stupidity. “I cannot wait to speak with you in length, but right now I must find James.”
Her eyes were round and she put a hand over her mouth.
“What? What is wrong?” Dread pounded through me. I looked up and saw Lord Trowbridge walk into the entryway. Clara stepped back and whispered something to him. His gaze fell on me and his brow creased with concern. Clara turned to face me again and she gripped my shoulder. “Charlotte … James left this afternoon. He informed us of his departure, but he didn’t say where he was going or how long he would be away.”
My heart fell. What could have made him leave? “He didn’t give any reason? Nothing at all?”
Lord Trowbridge stepped forward. “He said nothing, but he had a letter. I suppose it was something important. Perhaps a business matter that required immediate attention.”
I whirled around to where Anna stood just beyond the open door. She must have heard it too, because her eyes were wide with shock and disbelief. Your letter, she mouthed.
Of course! James would have received the letter I wrote to him by today. He must have read it and chosen to come to me instead. It was a dreadful misunderstanding. I needed to stop him! Panic took flight inside me. He was several hours ahead of me. How could I reach him before nightfall at least?
“I must catch him!” I faced Clara and Thomas. “Will you help me?”
A small grin lifted Clara’s lips and Lord Trowbridge just looked confused. Neither of them moved.
“Please, I must stop him.” My voice came so fast I could hardly understand it. “He sent me a letter, you see, but I sent one to him first, and now he has received mine before I returned here to him, so I conclude that he is on his way to Canterbury as we speak, where he thinks I’m waiting for him. But I am here.” I took a deep breath.
Clara gasped. Then she laughed, a high pitched, girlish sound. “How romantic! Is that not awfully romantic, Thomas?” She turned her nose up to her husband and he smiled with such adoration that her cheeks turned pink. “How shall we help them?”
Lord Trowbridge planted a quick kiss on her forehead and turned to me. “He cannot be more than an hour ahead. I will have my lightest phaeton equipped immediately.”
“Thank you!”
Clara rushed forward and squeezed my hand. Anna had inched through the doorway and stood several feet away, but I pulled her toward us. “I informed Anna that you had need of another maid
. Surely little Sophia and her spoilings could use another set of hands.”
Clara smiled. “Of course!” she said, reaching for Anna’s hand too. The sight warmed me to the core and banished my nerves. Why had I ever priced anything above friendship? It seemed absurd to me now.
A short few minutes later, Lord Trowbridge had returned and guided me outside with Clara. Both of them would accompany me. My heart jumped about in my chest like a wild thing as I climbed in the phaeton and we set off to catch James. I couldn’t wait, I couldn’t think, I could hardly breathe. We sped down the winding paths and my heart leapt every time we skidded past a rocky ledge, and the open air whipped my hair into tangled knots. I didn’t count the minutes or the hours, but remained silent, for it was all I was capable of. Each second that passed meant I was closer to James. But what if he hadn’t received my letter after all? What if he had left in a completely different direction and I had only fantasized the entire thing? I pushed these thoughts away and told myself to relax.
It wasn’t until the sky was streaked with the peach of sunset that we spotted him. Lord Trowbridge saw the carriage first, a dot in the distance, and our horses trotted faster. My uncovered hands shook, and I watched with unblinking eyes, stretched wide with sudden panic. I couldn’t do this. What was I thinking?
I considered telling Lord Trowbridge to turn around, but I knew Clara would never let him. My heart pounded so hard it hurt. As we drew closer, Lord Trowbridge half-shouted over the rickety wheels. “That is certainly my carriage!”
I slumped in my seat, clinging to the side. “I cannot do this,” I whispered to Clara.
“Well, I fully intend to force you, so you have no choice in the matter.” She winked.
“What an awful sister you are.” I growled, sick with nervousness.
“I’m only as awful as you.” She grinned. “Take it as an act of vengeance.”
Lies and Letters Page 26