by Phillip Done
They will make gagging noises if you mention the words kiss, hug, embrace, or smooch. If you say mistletoe, they will scream. When you hold up a Hershey’s Kiss and say, “Who wants a kiss?” they will scream also.
When they are almost at the end of a piano piece, they will forget the music and ask if they can start over. When they clean the whiteboard with erasers, they will pretend they’re playing air hockey. When a child stands in front of the classroom sharing her family photo album, she will hold the album so that only she can see it.
They will always ask the teacher what kind of car he drives. If you show them your car in the parking lot, they will look inside and announce how messy it is.
When a visitor speaks to the class and you ask the children for questions, one will launch into a story. If you say, “Let’s give a round of applause,” they will clap while moving their hands in a circle.
If you light a candle in science class, they will ask if they can blow it out. When you pass around a conch shell, they will always listen for the sea.
When you’re taking a vote, some wise guy will raise two hands. When you ask one child a question, another will blurt out the answer.
After they sing “I’ve Been Workin’ on the Railroad,” someone will always ask, “Who’s Dinah?” If they sing “You’re a Grand Old Flag” at the school assembly, kids in the front of the multipurpose room will end up finishing before kids in the back.
They can’t talk to you without fiddling with something on your desk. Most can’t speak to you without turning back and forth like the inside of a washing machine or standing on one leg like a flamingo.
When the grass is frosty, they will pretend to ice skate on it. When playing Red Light, Green Light, one child will always take an extra flying leap after the teacher shouts, “Red light!”
If they were in your classroom last year and come by to visit, they will look to see whose name tags are on their desks. If they see that you’re doing something new this year, they will always say, “Why didn’t we do that?”
When they tear the wrapper off a Band-Aid, they will never throw it away. If you say, “Open your book to page fifty-seven,” and a child opens her book right up to page fifty-seven, she will announce it and show you.
They will ask for an ice pack when they don’t really need it. They will always ask if they can return the ice pack to the office during class time.
When you give a child a Dixie cup, he will put it over his mouth and suck in all the air so that the sides of the cup cave in. When they’re turning the knobs on the microscope and the crystal that they’re examining comes into focus, they will shout, “Whoa!”
If you explain that soon they will get to work with a partner, they will reach for their best friend before you finish giving directions. They will ask why coffee cake is called coffee cake if there is no coffee in it.
When your stomach growls, they will tell you. When you cut open a pumpkin to count the number of seeds, one child will shout, “You’re killing it!” When they run to tell you that they just kicked the ball over the fence, they will always smile when they announce it.
They will not think that bringing in eight My Little Ponies, twenty-seven polished rocks, and an entire snow globe collection is too much for one afternoon of Show and Tell. In their minds, there are only two types of teachers — nice ones and mean ones.
When solving problems using the greater-than and less-than signs, they will turn the > and < signs into fish, alligators, and Pac-Men. They will have a favorite multiplication problem. It will never be 8 × 7.
Hand them a straw and they’ll blow off the wrapper. Pass out animal crackers in the red circus box and they’ll always tell you which animal they got.
When you go on a field trip to the theater and hand them their tickets, they will pretend the tickets are razors and shave with them. When they’re watching the play and the soloist sings a ballad, they will squirm. When you leave the theater, someone will slip her hand into yours.
Would I trade this life of giggles and stories and songs and runny noses and glitter and chairs that are too small to sit in? Not in a million years. Life with kids is a rich one. And though there are days when I’d rather not deal with spilled paint and the missing books and sick betta fish, I’m sure that someday when I’m retired I will look back on all this and itch to clean out a backpack, pump up a ball, and hear a good knock-knock joke.
TEACHING 101
This month, my niece Amanda began her first year at a local university. I took her out to dinner to celebrate.
“So, Amanda,” I said, “do you know what you want to study?”
A smile spread across her face. “I’m thinking of going into teaching.”
That warmed me up inside. “That’s great. What grade do you want to teach?”
“Well, maybe first or second. Or maybe third. I’m not really sure. Definitely the little ones.”
“Just like me,” I said, smiling.
Amanda leaned in. “Uncle Phil, why did you decide to teach elementary?”
I chuckled. “They can’t drive yet. I wanted to find a parking space.”
As I drove home from dinner that night, I thought about how I could help Amanda and other aspiring teachers. And so I decided to write down a few pointers — a few essentials I’ve learned along the way.
* * *
THE PRIMARY TEACHER’S SURVIVAL GUIDE
CHAPTER ONE — PREPARATION
So you want to be a teacher? Well, you don’t have to wait until you have a classroom to get ready. There are lots of things you can do right now to help you prepare.
Practice cutting apples, pumpkins, hearts, and shamrocks out of construction paper. Learn to double-knot shoelaces, read upside down, peel bananas with no stems, and make bumblebees, caterpillars, butterflies, ants, spiders, alligators, and the centers of daffodils out of egg cartons. Start drinking five cups of coffee at the beginning of each day. Hold until lunchtime. Look cheerful.
Begin saving cottage cheese containers, Clorox bottles, oatmeal boxes, Styrofoam meat trays, orange juice cans, plastic butter tubs, mayonnaise jars, and the tubes in wrapping paper, paper towels, and toilet paper. Stuff all this into a closet along with Halloween costumes, cowboy hats, tambourines, maracas, sombreros, plastic leis, and copies of the Declaration of Independence and the Gettysburg Address on crinkled yellow paper.
Whenever you go to a restaurant, point out all spelling mistakes on menus, move all water glasses from the edge of the table, call food servers “sweetie,” and ask if you may keep the crayons that come with the child’s menu. If you order pizza, give whomever you are with a lesson in fractions. Gulp down meal in three minutes.
Relearn everything that you forgot since you finished grade school, including the parts of speech, the order of planets, the original thirteen colonies, large Roman numerals, all the state capitals, the names of the presidents, how to make a cursive , and the second verse to “This Land Is Your Land.” Memorize the following sayings: “I love that book, too,” “Thank you. I’ll hang it right here,” “Please stop bouncing that ball,” and “Get your collar out of your mouth. Lunch is in five minutes.”
Practice opening Tupperware containers, potato chip bags, milk cartons, and Go-GURT tubes. Fill your pockets with rubber bands, marbles, trading cards, finger skateboards, and anything with Hello Kitty on it. Before you go to bed, empty all of this onto your nightstand. Repeat daily.
Not sure if you are up for the messes? There are several things you can do to prepare:
Squeeze paint on paper plate. Turn paper plate upside down. Drop on carpet. Let dry.
Pour apple juice in Styrofoam cup. Set on desk. Knock cup over.
Make peanut butter sandwich. Take one bite. Hide remainder in desk. Leave for five months.
Go outside. Walk in mud. Walk back inside. Do not step on mat. Walk directly on carpet. Repeat twenty times.
Never visit the BMW dealership, read Town and Country, or walk into any store carrying Gucci, Her
mès, Ferragamo, Louis Vuitton, Tiffany, Rolex, Cartier, or Mont Blanc. You cannot afford it.
CHAPTER TWO — WHICH GRADE SHOULD I TEACH?
Once you are ready to teach, you must now decide which age you would like to work with. Since you already know that you want to be with little ones, here is a guide to make your decision easier:
Kindergartners
Kindergartners love to be read to. They will ask you to read the same book five hundred times. When you are reading, they will want to sit very close to you on the carpet so that they can touch your shoes and rub your legs. For kindergartners, snack time is playtime. When they sit down to eat, their bananas will turn into guns, their pretzels will become helicopters, and their carrot sticks will morph into World War II fighter jets. Kindergartners take their classroom jobs seriously. Two attendance monitors will carry the roll sheet with four hands all the way to the office. The picker-uppers will make vacuum noises when they clean the floor. Kindergarten boys often miss the toilet completely when going to the bathroom. Advice for new teachers: Emphasize the second step in Using the Restroom Speech: (1) Ready; (2) Aim; (3) Fire.
First Graders
First graders like to be the first in line. They will stand by the classroom door during the entire recess so they can be at the head of the line when the bell rings. First graders love to use big words like infinity and bazillion. They will know more dinosaur names than you do. First graders are obsessed with Velcro. During Story Hour they will strap and unstrap the Velcro on their shoes. If the teacher has Velcro on his shoes, they will strap and unstrap his, too. First graders like to bring the conversation back to them. If you’re talking about crocodile teeth, they will open their mouths and show you where they lost theirs. If you talk about fish, they will tell you how long they can hold their breath underwater. First graders also love to glue. Whenever they glue something, they will use enough to cement a skyscraper. Advice for new teachers: Hide Elmer’s.
Second Graders
Second graders are crazy about erasers. They will use the entire pink tip of a pencil to erase one word. The more they erase, the more little eraser droppings they can blow off their desks. Second graders love their teachers almost as much as they love their erasers. They will bring their teacher daisy chains and dandelions and worms that they found at recess. Second graders enjoy bringing things in from home, too. Show and Tell items may include dead mice and dentures. Advice for new teachers: Check each sharing item before it is pulled from the bag.
Third Graders
Third graders are obsessed with money. They will tell you how much they have in their bank accounts. Do not be surprised if they have more than you. Third graders have very strong opinions. If you mention a food that they do not like, they will grab their throats. Third graders enjoy learning about history. When you teach them about Vincent Van Gogh, they will remember that he cut his ear off. When learning about the Pilgrims, they will remember that they drank beer. Third graders also love routine. If the class changes the calendar together every day then sings the weather song, but the substitute sings the weather song before changing the calendar, the children will tell the sub that she did it wrong. If the substitute writes the date on the whiteboard with a blue marker when the teacher normally uses a red marker, the students will report this to their teacher as soon as he returns. They will recall this incident thirty-seven more times throughout the year. Advice for new teachers: Do not be absent.
CHAPTER THREE — NUTS AND BOLTS
Congratulations! You have been offered your first job. You got the grade level you hoped for. You have been given the keys to your very first classroom. The school year is about to start. Now what? Here’s a list of everything you need to know to make your rookie year a success.
How to Prepare a Bulletin Board
Go to workroom. Pull paper off large roll. Return to classroom. Starting at one end of bulletin board, begin stapling paper onto board. Smash out air bubbles as you go. If there is a fire extinguisher or a thermostat on the wall, cover it with paper. (Cut out fire extinguisher and thermostat later.) When you get to end of paper and discover that you still have two feet of bulletin board left because you did not measure board or paper when you started, go back to supply room and get more paper. Patch wall. Trim with scalloped border.
How to Set Up Your Classroom
Plaster walls with posters of the water cycle, rocks and minerals, volcanoes, the layers of the earth, the parts of speech, and a birthday chart. Prop wooden apples and Teachers Are Special books on desk. Put Little League photos of students on file cabinet, magnets on whiteboard, and origami on top of computer. Hang number line over whiteboard, lunch menu by entrance, and sign on front door that says, “Sorry I missed you. Either I am on a field trip, on yard duty, at PE, or I ran away.”
How to Fill in Your Lesson Plan Book
Open your planner. Look at blank squares. Block out all recess times. Pencil in all lunch periods. Draw big smiley faces in boxes when students go to PE and library and when the art teacher comes in. Make giant X’s in all holidays.
How to Greet Children in the Morning
Open classroom door. As your students walk inside say, “Hello,” “Good morning,” “Nice to see you,” “Show me what’s in your hand,” “Leave the caterpillar outside,” and “You can visit him at recess.”
How to Get Kids to Read
Sit at your computer. Let student stand behind you. Start typing e-mail.
How to Survive Back to School Night
When standing up in front of the classroom, find one parent who is smiling and direct entire presentation to her. Talk all the way till the end of the hour so that you do not have time for questions.
How to Get Students to Quiet Down Immediately
If your cell phone rings during class, answer it.
CHAPTER FOUR — SIZING UP YOUR STUDENTS
Once your room is set up and your procedures are in place, it is time to get to know your students and determine their learning styles. Musical learners will sing “The Funeral March” when the tadpole dies. Spatial learners will take apart the pencil sharpener for you if it’s not working. Verbal learners will point out the spot on your chin where you missed shaving. Kinesthetic learners will show you their double-jointed body parts, will press down so hard on their pencils that you can read their writing clear through to the other side of the paper, and — when making landform maps out of flour, salt, and water — will taste the volcano.
When I finished writing my Survival Guide, I slipped it into an envelope and wrote Amanda a note:
My Dear Amanda,
I thought this might come in handy someday. I won’t lie to you: The kids will keep you on your toes. But you’ll find no other profession as rewarding. I promise you that. Nor as entertaining. This morning one of my students asked me if I was free to babysit on Friday night. Another wants me to get a disco ball for the classroom. And all day long my kids applauded every time I took a sip of coffee. You’ll make a wonderful teacher. I’m proud of you.
Love,
Uncle Phil
PHOTOS
Recently I was hunting in my closet at home when I came across my box of old school photos — not photos of me as a kid, but as a teacher. I’ve saved them all. Every year when the pictures arrive at school, I pull them out of the envelope, check my hairline, then tuck them back. Eventually, I toss the photographs into my picture box. I never give any of them away. What am I supposed to do — mail them with my Christmas card and write on the back: “Phil in third grade”?
Looking through my box of photos reminded me of a night at the Oscars. In one, I sported a mustache (Tom Selleck phase). In a second, my hair was greased back (Antonio Banderas). In a third, I looked like I had just woken up (Sean Penn). And in another, I had a buzz cut that was so short I appeared to be bald (Bruce Willis).
As I neared the bottom of the box, I pulled out a photo of me with a goatee. I laughed when I saw it. That goatee certainly didn’t last
long.
“What’s that?” Julie asked from her desk one day, pointing to my chin.
“It’s a toupee,” Anthony announced across the classroom.
“It’s not a toupee,” I corrected. “It’s a goatee.”
“A what?” Julie demanded.
“A goatee,” I repeated, rubbing my new whiskers. “It’s a beard but just around my chin.”
I lifted my jaw for Julie to see. She examined it.
“You’ve got a lot of gray,” Julie pointed out.
That night, I bought one of those boxes of hair dye for men. After I mixed it up and brushed it into my whiskers, I noticed that some of the dye was getting on my skin. Uh-oh. Is this stuff permanent? What if it stays on my skin? Panicked, I grabbed a razor and shaved the goatee. The next day when Julie saw me, she said, “Your mustache looks good off.”
Since I started teaching, there are certain things about school photos that have never changed. First is the envelope they arrive in. It always has a window in it. Through this window you get to see a third of your face, the top of your head, and one ear. There is only one reason the envelopes have this window: to ease the shock. The background in school photos hasn’t changed, either. For as long as I’ve been teaching, all school pictures have had that same light blue background. In fact, if Jeopardy! ever posted “School Photos” as a category, I wouldn’t be surprised if the winning answer were “What is blue?”