by Tim O'Rourke
I thought about the cigarettes and considered leaving this dump and going and buying a pack. Maybe the nicotine would calm my nerves and let me think straight. I’d quit over a year ago when dad went missing, but now sucking on a cancer stick sounded kind of enticing.
I threw back the last of the whiskey and walked out of the bar, my boots clacking on the hardwood floors, and went out to the parking lot. As I fished around in my pocket for my keys, I felt a small piece of paper and pulled it out and looked at it.
Heather’s business card.
I looked at the photo of her perfect bikini-clad body and the side of my mouth kicked up in a grin. Just because I’d once had feelings for Mina didn’t mean I couldn’t go find some hot piece of ass to make me forget about her for a while.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Mina
I stood alone in the hallway, the sound of Jax's truck rolling away in the distance. My heart felt heavy, like a dead weight inside my chest. What did I do now? I didn't know. I had feelings for Jax, that was for sure, but was he ever going to be willing to listen to me? Would he ever make the time so I could give my side of the story? But even if he did, what would I say to him? How could I even begin to explain why I had been spying on him, watching him, making secret recordings of him? Who would understand that? I don't know if I would, had it been the other way around. How would I be feeling right now if I had discovered secret pictures of me on Jax’s phone? Images of me sharing intimate moments with him, leaving my home, in my car, at school, with my friends? I wouldn’t have understood, and it would’ve freaked me out – just like it had Jax.
Turning away from the door, I made my way up to my room. I needed to speak with Jax. I just couldn’t leave alone what had just happened – I couldn’t let us part like that. With the sheet still wrapped about me like a cloak, I dropped onto the bed. My phone was in my hand and I thumbed through the contact list. Hitting Jax’s number, I called him. With the phone pressed to the side of my head, and my heart thumping, I listened to the series of bleeps and clicks as the phoned tried to connect with Jax. But it just rang and rang and rang, then went dead. I quickly called Jax again. More rings and more ringing. Pressing the disconnect button, I sent Jax a text.
Call me. Please Jax, just give me a chance to explain.
Clutching my phone, I sat on the edge of the bed and sobbed. My body shook with regret and remorse. I had been here once before, and here I was again. Last time it had been different. That time, I had hurt my mum. I had betrayed her trust, and now I had betrayed the trust of another. It was at times like these when I really missed my dad. I missed him more than anything. That friendly smile and his green glittering eyes behind his black-rimmed glasses. I always knew that I could talk to him. But he was gone.
With my heart aching and feeling alone, I pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweater. I kicked the red dress and scarf under the bed. I crossed the room and sat by the window. The night breeze blowing in cooled the hot tears on my cheeks. Again and again, I looked down at the phone in my fist, hoping that Jax just might call me – hoping that he might’ve calmed down and had stopped feeling that anger and confusion which I knew he would be feeling. And how did I know he would be feeling like that? Because I had seen those emotions in my mother’s face, shining out of her eyes like black shadows of mistrust and despair. She had looked just like Jax had when she’d discovered the photographs I had taken before – when she had caught me with her lover.
The shock of seeing her that night as she stood in my bedroom doorway, John's arms wrapped around me as he lay on top of me on the bed. How she had looked as I peered over John’s shoulder, her face a white mask of contempt and hate for me. But it shouldn’t have turned out like that. I hadn't taken the pictures of him because I wanted him. I had taken them for another reason. But just like Jax now, my mother had never given me the chance to explain. She had seen only what she had wanted to see in the pictures. So she had sent me away. That had been my punishment. But what would my punishment be now? I couldn’t be sent away again. I was here to stay. And I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to run again. I didn’t want to hide like some freak. I wanted to explain to Jax why I had behaved like I had. I wanted him to understand me – I needed that chance. Didn’t I deserve that at least? I had taken the pictures for him – just like I had taken them for John.
Again I turned to my phone – that lifeline – that piece of shiny plastic I always held in my hand. The one thing that had brought me so much trouble and despair but I seemed unable to live without. Sliding the phone into my pocket, I just wanted to be free of its touch. I left my room and went back downstairs. In the kitchen I found the laptop lying on its side on the counter. Its screen was flickering, like a blinking eye. I righted the laptop and stopped the recording. Alone, I sat at the kitchen table and watched the secret recording I had made that evening. I could see myself entering the kitchen, Jax at my heels. We were talking. He poured me a glass of wine. We were sitting at the table, eating the fishcakes I had baked for us. It was like watching one of those reality shows. The conversation was mundane – natural – not scripted. We chatted and laughed, and it was then I saw the reason why I had been filming him. But this time it was different – different from the other times I secretly filmed Jax. It was different from all those other pictures I’d taken of him. Tonight there was something else; something I hadn’t been expecting. It confused me. It chilled me. My skin was turning prickly and hard with gooseflesh as it crawled up my back, over my shoulders, and down over my chest and arms. Over the flat of my stomach and legs. My teeth began to chatter as if stepping out of a warm bath and into the cold, as I stared at the screen. There was something there. Something I hadn’t seen before about Jax. Unable to watch the footage any longer, I snapped closed the lid of the laptop. I pushed it away from me to the other side of the table. Glancing around the kitchen, I pushed my chair back from the table and stood up. If only I could show Jax what I had seen. If only he would give me that chance. But where would I find him? Would he have gone home? Headed straight for Rowdy’s Bar? Was he already in the arms of another woman as he tried to forget? Trying to drown the feelings of hurt and anger I knew he would now be feeling towards me. And I couldn’t blame him. If I were him, wouldn’t I now be looking to fall into the arms of another, desperate to bury the feelings of betrayal and mistrust?
Not wanting to be alone in the house any longer, I locked the front door behind me and headed down the drive towards my little car. I was going to go in search of Jax in the hope that I might be able to persuade him to listen to me – to perhaps watch some of those secret recordings. I would drive by his house first; see if his car was on the drive. I pressed the key fob and the sidelights flashed orange in the darkness. Once again I was reminded of Jax and how he had repaired one of those lights for me. And as I climbed into my car, I thought of my friend Heather and how I had arranged for her to visit Jax at the auto shop on the pretence that she too needed her car to be fixed. That now seemed like a really stupid idea, and if Jax were ever to find out, then I would certainly lose any chance of ever convincing him that I wasn’t some kind of bunny boiler. But had Heather even made it to the auto shop? I had no way of knowing, as she hadn’t been answering her phone. Had the flu got to her before she had gotten to Jax? I now hoped so. I no longer wanted to set that trap for Jax, but how could I stop it?
Turning the key in the ignition, I sped off the drive and headed across town to Heather’s house.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jax
I rumbled to a stop in front of a small gas station with a decent sized mini-store in it. I grabbed a six-pack of beer and took it to the counter. My eyes raked over the selection of cigarettes and I felt a little twitchy thinking about how good it would feel to let a lungful of menthol course through my body. After showing the clerk ID for the beer, I asked her to fetch me a pack of the most expensive menthols they had, knowing it would probably be my only pack for a while, as I had no
intention of making a habit out of this. Well, at least I hoped it wouldn’t be a habit, but we all knew what the road to hell was paved with.
I paid for the stuff and got out to my bike and swore. It was going to be an awkward ride home trying to fit a six-pack of beer on the bike. I briefly contemplated drinking two of them and putting the other four in my pockets but then that would make me no better than my old man, and decided a DUI would not be in my best interest. I had enough problems.
Somehow managing to get the beer on my bike without fear of it slipping off, I skidded out of the parking lot of the gas station and headed home. My head was still a little fuzzy from the whiskey but I needed to go home and get my shit together. I parked my bike next to my truck and went into the house, putting five beers in the fridge and popping the top off the sixth. I went to the dining room table and unloaded my pockets, setting my phone, some loose change, my wallet, and that business card with hot bikini-clad Heather on the front. She was staring up at me from the card, taunting me. If I stared at it hard enough, I could probably see her mouthing, “Call me.”
I shook my head and went to sit on the sofa and stared at a blank TV. I raised the beer can to my lips and flipped the still-sealed blue cigarette pack over and over and over between my fingers. I thought about Mina again, wondered how someone could be so brazen as to film someone like that and think it was okay. Didn’t she know she could be sued for something like that? Maybe she didn’t. She wasn’t from here after all.
I started to unravel the plastic from the pack of smokes when I heard the front door open. I looked over my shoulder and saw Austin come in.
“Hi,” he said, smiling at me.
“What’s up, man?”
He came around to the other sofa to sit. His smile dropped and he looked at the cigarettes in my hand. “Um, you’re not going to smoke those in the house, are you?”
I chuckled. “No, you already told me your parents don’t want us smoking in here. I’ll go outside or in my truck.”
He seemed to visibly breathe a sigh of relief. “Good.” Then he looked confused. “I didn’t know you smoked.”
I shook my head. “I don’t, not usually, but today’s been an awful day.”
He looked at the now-empty beer can next to me. “I see that. What happened?”
“Do you want a beer?” I asked him as he looked at my can. “There’s more in the fridge.”
“No thanks. I have a test tomorrow, I probably shouldn’t drink.”
I smiled, sort of wanted to laugh, but knew better. Why couldn’t I be more like Austin? Straight-laced, good student, responsible, took care of himself, ate healthy, didn’t drink. He came from a good family… and I didn’t. That’s why.
But how long could I use that excuse? It wasn’t that my family wasn’t good, they just weren’t there. I was an adult, I shouldn’t need them, but I did. I wished my dad were here so I could talk to him. I wished I could ask my mom for advice on this girl stuff. Austin had the best set of parents. They rented this house to us for next to nothing, as long as we followed their rules, and they helped him pay for college and his car. That’s how parents should be. Helping their kids out, and in return, the kids follow the rules. Even into adulthood. But instead, I was on my own in the world.
But wasn’t Mina alone in the world, too? I guessed I had finally got to the bottom of what Mina had been hiding. I just never thought it would be something like this. I thought maybe she had another boyfriend back in England or maybe she did drugs or something when I wasn’t around. I would have never in a million years thought it would be a secret fetish with filming me and taking my picture. She was a stalker, plain and simple. I shivered at the thought. Not out of fear – Mina didn’t scare me on a personal safety level – but out of the thought of how fast and hard I’d fallen for her. That had never happened to me before. I shuddered again, wondering how in the hell I was going to get over her and move past the thoughts of her beautiful face and body flitting through my damaged brain every five seconds.
“Jax, are you even listening to me?”
I blinked twice and looked back up at Austin. He looked concerned. “I’m sorry, what was that?”
He sighed. “I was just saying I had a bad day, too.”
“I’m sorry, man. Tell me again.” I felt like such a crap-bag friend now for daydreaming while he was talking. Austin rarely said more than a few words, and here he was, telling me about his day and I couldn’t pay attention for two minutes. I sucked.
He smiled sadly. “It’s okay, it was nothing. Tell me what happened to you today.”
I leveled him with a long stare, debating on telling him about Mina. He didn’t seem to have much experience with girls, but maybe that would make him more objective. I shrugged, and started from the very beginning, from the day I met her, to the end of tonight. I did leave out a few dirty details I didn’t think he needed to know, but for the most part, I regurgitated the entire sordid tale. And incredibly, I actually felt better when I was done.
Austin had his hand to his mouth and he was staring off in space, his auburn hair catching the faint light from the dining room table across the room. He wiped his hands on his jeans and looked up at me. “So you never found out why she was filming you?”
I shook my head. “Nope, but I don’t know how a person can justify that. She’s obviously some chick who’s been stalking me for months, and I fell for her trap, hook, line, and sinker.” I used my dad’s old fishing cliché and frowned when it reminded me of him again.
Austin nodded. “It would sure seem that way. She didn’t even offer an excuse as to why?”
I barked out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, well she tried, but I just took off, man. I didn’t want to hear her mouth or any more lies that were about to come out of it.”
Austin got up and patted me on the shoulder. “I’m only going to say this because I’ve never seen one of your girlfriends more than once, but Mina seems to be more than a notch on your bedpost. I think you should let her explain one time, and if her excuse is weak and pathetic, then kick her to the curb.”
I laughed at his attempt at slang and thanked him. He grabbed his backpack and wandered into his room, probably to study.
I stared at his retreating figure and started to think about what I wanted to do. I was too restless to sit here and watch TV. Then I had an idea.
I got up to throw away the empty beer can and grabbed my keys off the table. I lit the cigarette on my way out to my truck. As I got in and headed toward Heather’s house, I wondered if I was making the right decision. I hit a stoplight and blew smoke out the window, then flicked the cigarette out, which was no more than a stub at this point. I didn’t realize I had smoked it so fast. I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel and wondered if Heather was going to think I was some stalker. That was the last thing I wanted. Yes, I had pulled her address from the form she had filled out at the shop, and yes I should have called or texted before coming over, but I just needed to talk to her.I knew Heather would think I was going over there for a bootie call but I wasn’t really, I just needed to talk to her. I wondered if I could get her to tell me the real reason she came into the shop, because I wasn’t buying the story about Trent telling her to see me. Trent had told me he didn’t send her over, and something about her ‘story’ was not sitting right with me. Plus it was a good distraction to keep my mind off of Mina. I couldn’t deal with that right now.
I rounded the corner to the small cul-de-sac she lived on and found her address easily, as there were only four houses on her street. As I pulled up, I saw a familiar little Mitsubishi parked out front next to the gold Lexus and swore.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Mina
I pulled into Heather’s street and killed the engine. Was I doing the right thing or not by coming by her house? My need to speak to her and find out whether Jax had called her or not was eating away at my insides. But why was it so important now? He was never going to want to see me again. Not after di
scovering that I had been secretly taking photos and filming him. He wouldn’t want anything more to do with someone he thought was a psychotic freak with stalker issues. But we’d made love and that counted for something. It did to me, anyhow. So even if Jax never did want to speak to me again, I would still like to know if what had happened between us was real, or if it had just been a lie like it had been with John. The only way I would ever find out was if I spoke to Heather. At least then I would know if Jax had really liked me, or if I was just another one of those girls he so often snuck back to his house.
I reached for the car door handle and stopped. I had a sudden thought. What if Jax had never contacted Heather? What if he had ripped up her number and thrown it away? Then that would have meant that he had really liked me and I'd just screwed up probably the best thing that had come my way since arriving in the U.S. Whatever I discovered from Heather, I was opening myself up to a world of pain and I’d promised myself that I would never let that happen to me again. But then again, I had made a lot of promises to myself which I had recently broken. Biting my lower lip and praying that I was doing the right thing, I reached for the door handle. But once again I stopped. Not because my head was full of doubts, but because Jax's truck had just pulled into the street.
He killed the engine and I tried to quickly slink back in my seat.
But it was too late, Jax had seen me. His eyes bored right through the windshield of his truck and into mine. I had never felt so crushed before in my life. Not even when John had tricked me and my mother had sent me away. Jax had been in contact with Heather – he had seen her or how else would he have known where she lived? And why was he here now? Heather hadn't been ignoring my calls and texts because she had the flu; she hadn’t gotten in contact with me because she had betrayed a friend. Heather had betrayed me. I felt like a fool, just like I had before. Those feelings of humiliation I had felt back home in England welled up inside of me again. I made fists with my hands. My fingernails dug into my palms, but I was numb to the pain. My heart ached too much. Jax had had sex with me only a few hours ago and now he was here outside Heather’s house looking for more. Hadn't the sex we shared been enough? Hadn't I satisfied him? Evelyn had been right about Jax and I should have listened to her.