by Riley Hart
When they pulled away, Van told him, “I’m serious, you know?”
“Yeah.” Shane leaned forward and pressed his forehead to Van’s chest. “I know.”
“Has there ever been anyone? Anyone who was there for you?”
His first thought, of course, was Caleb, which was pretty sad considering they’d been teenagers. “Yes.” Caleb had been his best friend. His only friend. He was there for Shane the best he could be. He would have been there for Shane even more if Shane had let him.
“What happened?”
“He left. That’s what always happens.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Van spent the night. The next night and the night after that too. It became a series of nights, that didn’t end at three. Every morning when Shane went to work, Van would make the drive back to his mom’s house, where she would make up a reason not to pack with him or for him not to accompany her when she went to look at houses.
He still hadn’t read the letter, but he hadn’t gotten rid of it either. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the fact that he hadn’t. She didn’t ask him again, but he figured she didn’t have to. She knew the answer regardless.
His mom had thrown herself even more into all her activities around town—the ones she dedicated her life to when Van was growing up. It was good in a way. She was doing more and becoming more like her old self, but on the other hand, she was burying a lot of shit too…like the fact that her husband hadn’t been a good man. That he’d hurt Van.
So he did shit around town while Shane was at the shop. He’d chatted with Libby more and discovered they liked one another a lot. He’d spent some time with her husband when he’d gone to Lucky Rose to see her, and they got along well, too. He saw a movie in the old theater and went hiking to take photos. He found random places to paint.
Every evening he’d meet Shane at his house. He’d paint in Shane’s kitchen, where he painted the Last Chance sign for Annie. Shane invited him to his studio where Van got to watch him blow glass. It was incredible to see Shane in his element like that, in that secret world of his that no one knew about other than his mother and Van.
He took photos of Shane every day—hundreds of them. Of him walking and smiling. Of him naked and clothed. He’d taken pictures of Shane jacking off, and Shane posing for him, of Shane shaving and laughing, and photos of their hands entwined. Each time Shane started out camera-shy as though it was the first time Van shot him. After a few shots, he lost himself to becoming Van’s muse. That’s what he was, Van realized. Shane had become his muse, and he wanted to document all their time together.
It was another link that connected them in some way. It was like they communicated, like they showed more of themselves to each other through Van photographing him.
“Good morning,” Van said to his mom as he sat at the table in her kitchen, drinking coffee.
“Good morning. Spent another night with that boy, I see?” she asked with her brow raised. It was another argument they had daily.
“His name is Shane. I’ve known him all my life. You’ve known him all his life, too. He’s a man, not a boy and yeah, I spent the night with him. I like spending the night with him. He makes me happy. Is there a problem with that?”
“I just don’t think you should flaunt it. People are talking. Jonathan said so.”
“Fuck Jonathan,” snuck past Van’s lips. “I don’t care who talks. I don’t keep secrets anymore. I’ve kept enough of them to last a lifetime.”
She shifted uncomfortably at that. “I’m not asking you to keep secrets, Maxwell.”
“Van.”
“I’m pretty sure I chose your name.”
“And that’s not who I am anymore. I wish you’d take the time to get to know me. Maybe we’d have something in common.”
“You’re my son. Of course, I know you, and if I don’t, it’s because you left and didn’t come back.” She picked at her nail for a moment. “I don’t want to argue with you. I have an appointment today. You can sign the papers so—”
“I don’t want it. How many times do I have to say I don’t want his money?”
“Your father wanted you to have it. He loved—”
Van held up his hand and she stopped speaking. “I’m not taking the money. What time is your appointment? I thought maybe we could pack together today. There’s so much you don’t use daily that we could put away until you find a house.”
She shook her head which Van knew she would do before he even finished asking her. “I can’t. I have a few other appointments as well because I assumed you’d be busy with Shane anyway.”
Van sighed. He knew, fucking knew none of this was going to change. He was hanging on for nothing. “I’d like to go down and see the lawyer. I want to officially sign whatever I have to sign so the bank and any of his money is yours. I don’t want it, Mom. That won’t change.”
He could have sworn he saw a flash of something—guilt? Pain? Fear? In her eyes but then it was gone.
“I’ll see what I can do. He’s very busy. I—”
“I’m not going to change my mind,” he reiterated.
“Okay.” She nodded slowly. “I’ll make us an appointment as soon as possible.” She gave Van one last look that he couldn’t read and walked out.
Before he lost his fucking mind, Van shoved out of the chair, grabbed his things and went straight for the door.
He wasn’t surprised when his car practically drove itself to Shane’s shop. The second he pulled up he saw Shane and Ryan together under a raised car.
He got out and walked over. Just as he did, Shane slid out from the vehicle. “Oh. Hey.” He smiled. “I didn’t expect you. What’s up?” He pushed to his feet and walked over and some of the heavy fog cleared from Van’s chest.
He saw Ryan sit up too, he looked at them for a moment and said, “I’m going to run and take a piss real quick,” before he disappeared, no doubt to leave them alone.
“You look too clean for me. I kind of want to get you all messy.” Shane winked at him and then frowned. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” And he was. Like Shane had said, they knew how to make sure they were okay. “Wanted to see if you had time for lunch or something later today.”
He could tell before Shane said it that the answer would be no. “I wish. I’m a little fucked on this car right now. It’s supposed to be ready tomorrow afternoon and one thing after another is going wrong with it. I don’t want to risk losing the time. Mr. Wells is going out of town and he needs this car.”
Shit. That sucked. “I hear ya. I can grab dinner to bring back to your place tonight. Maybe that will help.”
“That will definitely help.” Shane smiled, looked around and then pressed a quick kiss to Van’s lips. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah. I got into it with my mom a little, but it’s nothing new.”
“You can head over to my place if you want. It’s unlocked. Paint or do your thing. I know you have trouble being you in her house.”
Yeah, yeah he did, and he hadn’t realized until Shane said it that this was exactly what he needed. To lose himself in the things that made him Van. “You’re sure you don’t mind me being at your house when you’re not there? Feels very domesticated.”
“What about me isn’t domesticated?” Shane asked.
Van laughed. “A different kind. I’m giving you shit though…and thanks. I appreciate this.”
Shane just shrugged. “It’s nothing.”
There was a noise behind them and Van looked over Shane’s shoulder to see Ryan standing there. “Hey, man. It was good to see you,” Van told him.
“You too.”
He said his goodbyes to Shane and left. He ran to the grocery store and picked up a few items and then made his way to Shane’s. It was only a little after 10 a.m. when he got there. He unloaded the groceries before setting up his homemade studio in Shane’s dining room.
The second his brush touched the canvas, that was the en
d of everything else. He was lost on two male bodies twined together so you couldn’t tell where one stopped and the other began.
He hadn’t been working long before there was a loud bang from the porch that sounded as though something hard had hit it. “What the fuck?” Van put his paintbrush down. He made it to the door in a few long strides and said, “Holy shit.”
He bent next to Shane’s mom who had her arms wrapped around her legs and her head down. She was rocking, back and forth and counting quietly. His gut twisted like a chain on a swing when you spun it around. Each breath she took was sharp as though she couldn’t get enough air into her lungs and couldn’t slow her breathing down either.
“Hey…Mrs. Wallace. Remember we met by the side of the road that day? I’m a friend of Shane’s. I’m going to call him okay? We’ll get him right over here.”
“No!” She rushed out. “Don’t call him. I’ll be okay. I can pull myself out of it.”
He wasn’t so sure about that. And he knew Shane. There’s no way he wouldn’t want to know about that.
“Drawer,” she said. “Table.” Sharp breath. “By the door.” She sounded like she was hyperventilating. Each breath was short, sharp and much too fast for Van’s comfort.
He was close enough that he could lean in, and pull the drawer open. There were a few pill bottles inside, all of them with her name on them. He grabbed them all and held them out. “Here, I have them. Which one do you need?”
Her hands shook as she fumbled with them. Her breathing sped up, really fucking fast. Her body still rocked back and forth. Her hands trembled so much she could hardly control them.
She picked one up, tried to open it but it fell from her hand. Van picked up the bottle and twisted the top. “The Ativan? Are you sure this is the right one?”
She nodded. He wasn’t sure she would be able to hold onto it.
“Let me get you some water.”
She shook her head. “Sublingual.”
Ah, so it would melt under her tongue. She put the pill in her mouth and closed her eyes. She still rocked, still breathing heavily and Van sat there with her.
“We’ll sit right here as long as you need,” he told her. And he would too, just like that day at the end of the driveway.
She looked over at him then…and smiled. “Thought. It. Was. You,” she said between breaths.
She was quiet a few minutes. He could tell she was trying to concentrate on her breathing. On her counting. She held her chest which made Van’s blood pressure shoot up. It was a few minutes later, when she said, “Inside,” in a parched voice. “I want to make it inside.”
“Let me help you.” Van tried to reach for her but she shook him off.
“Want to do it. I need to do it.”
“Okay.” He nodded. “I’m right here if you need something.”
She slowly pushed to her feet. Van stood back, giving her space but also not letting himself get out of reach. She took a small step, then another and another, until she walked inside Shane’s house.
Her legs were wobbly and he kept close to her as she made it to the couch, and went down on it.
Van closed the door, got her a glass of water, and then sat down beside her.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I was fine. Jesus, I was fine when I started coming over. I saw your car and thought I remembered it from that day a couple weeks back. Plus, the pictures…I knew Shane had to be seeing you because of the photographs he gave me from you. But the closer I got…I don’t know…my mind just got away from me. I kept thinking, what if it wasn’t you? What if Shane didn’t know you were here? What if I didn’t make it? What if you weren’t the kind of man I know you are? I know it’s silly. I know it doesn’t make sense.”
“It’s not silly,” he told her. The mind was a funny thing.
“It’s so easy to get lost in your own head like that. To not be able to think clearly. To feel out of control and not be able to do a damn thing about it. I know the things I worry about aren’t realistic but that doesn’t stop the fear from tearing through me, of ripping me apart inside.”
Jesus, he couldn’t imagine. He thought maybe Annie Wallace was the bravest person he knew. “Do you want me to call Shane?” he asked. He felt like he should.
“No. I just need to rest for a bit.”
He winced and she added, “I promise I’ll let you know if I need him.”
“Okay.”
“You’re loyal to him. I like that.” She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. Her hand shook as she reached out and picked up the glass of water and took a few small sips before she curled up on the couch, lying on her side.
And Van sat at the end, waiting. Watching. Keeping vigil because he knew the woman next to him meant everything in the world to Shane.
“The first time or two, I thought you were Ryan.”
A twinge of jealousy pinched at Van’s chest. He wanted everyone to know it was him with Shane.
“Then I remembered your car. You’ve been spending time with Shane. A lot of it.”
He had to tread real fucking lightly there. He wanted to be honest with her. She deserved that, but he also had a responsibility to Shane as well. It wasn’t his place to tell her anything.
“I have.”
“Good,” she whispered. “That’s good. He deserves it.” She was quiet a moment. She rubbed a finger over her wrist. “I want him to be happy. God, I want him to be happy.”
“He is,” Van told her, because he was. Did he want more? Yes, but he was happy.
“He deserves more.”
“He loves you,” Van countered.
“He deserves more,” she said again.
He shifted, uncomfortable. “He loves you. He loves Last Chance. He’s happy.” And then because he knew he needed to make sure she understood, he said, “I’m here temporarily. I live in Los Angeles.”
“Are you happy there?” she asked.
“Yes,” he answered instantly. And he was but…he wasn’t a hundred percent fulfilled. He hadn’t realized it until that moment, sitting there with Shane’s mom.
“I know what you must think of me.”
“That you’re a good mom who loves her son? That you would do anything for him? That you raised him to be a good man who would also do anything for someone he loves? That’s what I think of you, Mrs.—”
“Annie,” she cut him off. “Please, call me Annie.”
“Annie.”
“You have to wonder though, what Shane’s life would be like if he didn’t take care of me. I wonder it every day myself. And sometimes things are good for a long time…and others, they’re not. It hits me all of a sudden and I’m always looking for a reason but there aren’t any. That’s what people don’t always get about mental illness. A lot of times, there isn’t a reason. Nothing happened to make you sad, lonely. To make you feel like you’re not worthy. To make your brain betray you, and panic to hit you when you leave the house. It’s just the way it is. I want to fix it. God, I want to fix it for him.” A tear slipped from her eye and she quickly wiped it away.
After a moment, she continued. “I try. I want you to know, I try. And that I love him. I love him more than I love myself.”
“There was never a doubt in my mind,” Van answered honestly. “He’s too good to have come from someone who didn’t love as completely as he does.”
More tears flowed then. She tried to fight them but lost. Van got her some tissue and let her cry. He held her while she did so.
“Are you in love with him?” she asked when her tears stopped.
“I don’t know,” he answered. “It hasn’t been long.” Less than two weeks. How could he have only been in Shane’s life for less than two weeks?
“So? If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that time doesn’t account for much. It’s been years since mental illness took over my life, I should be better by now. What’s wrong with me that I’m
not? It had been years that I was with Shane’s dad, and he still left. It’s only been days or weeks or months, how can you fall in love so quickly? We don’t all run on the same internal schedule. We don’t fall in love or out of love in the same amount of time. People put too much stock into the right time. There’s no right time for anything.”
He thought for a moment. Looked at her and saw Shane’s eyes. Thought about the talks they had and the way Shane cared for his mom. The way he looked at Van like he could see inside him. The connection he felt. The loneliness there. The passionate way Shane loved. That loyalty, and said, “I could. I think I could love him very easily. Shh. Don’t tell him that. He doesn’t know.”
She laughed, which was exactly what they both needed.
“And that’s him?” she nodded toward the painting and damned if Van’s face didn’t get hot. He hadn’t expected to talk to Shane’s mom about a painting of the two of them naked together.
“It could be.” He winked and she laughed again. “I’ll have one for you soon. I haven’t forgotten.”
Annie’s eyes got glossy and a smile pulled at her lips. “You’re a good man, just like my Shane.”
“Aww, look at what you’re doing. You’re gonna make me blush.”
“Thank you, Van. I’m glad you’re here.”
“I’m glad I’m here too.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Shane’s body was so exhausted, his bones could hardly hold him up. He’d stayed at work an hour late, which wasn’t a big deal. He stayed late often, so he wasn’t sure why it made him so goddamn tired today, but all he wanted to do was climb in bed and pass out.
Well, maybe have sex first. He was never too tired to have sex with Van. He smiled at the thought of having Van in his home. In such a short amount of time, he’d become a fixture in Shane’s life. One he knew would devastate him to lose—not because it was another loss like his father or Caleb but because it was Van.
And damn, he was getting really fucking emotional.
He pulled up beside Van’s car and killed the engine. He liked pulling up next to another vehicle.