by Amy M. Reade
There was an uncomfortable silence while I looked around at the others. Vali glared at me and left the room. I wondered how long it would take her to tell Leland what I had said. Will shifted in his seat and carefully inspected his fingernails. Stephan looked at me sadly and finally spoke.
“Macy, I’m so sorry this has happened. It made an already rough day even worse.”
Will raised his eyebrows and shot Stephan a look of curiosity but wisely kept his mouth shut. I excused myself and left the room.
I don’t think I really expected to get an answer to my question. I merely wanted to show the culprit that I wasn’t going to cower in my room in fear because of this silly trick.
Since I had slept during the afternoon, I wasn’t tired yet. I stopped in the library for a new book to read, but before going upstairs I took a detour into the living room. It was quiet and dimly lit, and I stood before the painting of Forrest that I had so admired earlier. His eyes and his smile were gentle. I felt again the wish that I had known him when he was alive. My grandfather. Sighing, I turned away from the painting and went upstairs. I built myself a fire, curled up in my armchair, and read my book. Once or twice I felt a twinge of guilt over not having exercised with Alex all day, but I quickly brushed those feelings away. She couldn’t possibly expect me to spend any appreciable amount of time with her after her bombshell announcement. I wondered what I would say to her in the morning.
Eventually I got into bed, hoping for a rest uninterrupted by nightmares. I slept soundly all night; apparently my afternoon nap had not interfered greatly with my sleep schedule.
I awoke later than usual and had breakfast alone, bracing for my morning session with Alex. Vali came into the dining room once, took one look at me, and announced, “You look terrible.”
“Thanks,” I shot back.
When I had fortified myself with eggs, toast, and juice, I went to Alex’s rooms.
I knocked softly on the door of the sitting room, but there was no answer, so I went through the sitting room and knocked on the bedroom door, not expecting Alex to answer this time either. When she didn’t, I continued through the bedroom and knocked a third time, on her office door. This time she answered.
“Come in.”
I pushed the door open tentatively and walked in. Alex was sitting behind her big desk, her hands folded in front of her. She looked exhausted. Forcing myself to remember that my relationship with Alex was first and foremost a professional one, I was determined to treat her as I would any other patient. I took a deep breath.
“Good morning, Alex. How are you feeling?”
She looked at me with a wan expression and waved one of her hands. “All right, I guess,” she answered.
“Do you feel strong enough to work on your exercises this morning?”
She nodded.
I led the way slowly into her sitting room, where we worked on her exercises for the next hour. She went through the motions of her exercise routine dully, and I did not encourage her to talk. If she wanted or expected a heart-to-heart, she was going to be disappointed today. Maybe the time would come when I would feel ready, but that would have to be on my schedule, not hers.
At the end of the hour, I suggested that she take a shower, but she declined. She went back to her office to work, and I went outside for a walk. I met Pete walking up to the house from the docks.
“What happened to you?” he asked me. I must have looked worse than I thought.
“You sound like Vali,” I retorted. He didn’t reply but waited for me to start talking. I didn’t know how to broach the subject of my problems, so I just launched into the short version of what had happened yesterday before he rescued me from the turret.
“Alex told me yesterday that Diana was my biological mother.”
Pete stopped short and looked at me in amazement. “You’re kidding,” he finally said.
Did I look like I was kidding? “Of course I’m not kidding,” I answered testily.
“You had no idea?” he asked.
“No. No, I didn’t. I once tried to find my biological parents, but I had no luck. I didn’t want my mom and dad to feel that I didn’t think they were good enough, so I stopped looking.”
“So where do you go from here?”
I shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. It’s a little awkward between Alex and me right now.”
Pete nodded and waited for me to go on.
“I always thought that finding my biological family would be my decision!” I blurted out.
“Maybe you weren’t ready to find your biological family when you went looking. But maybe you’re ready now.”
His remark caught me off guard. I suppose I had been looking for sympathy, but his comment made me stop and think.
“Maybe,” I conceded. “Where are you headed?”
“I’ve got to go talk to Alex about one of the boats.”
“Oh.”
“I’m sure I’ll see you later. Hang in there.” He smiled.
His smile warmed me and I walked away with spirits that had lifted just a little.
I ate lunch alone after my walk and then went looking for Alex again. She informed me that something important had just come up with her work and that she wouldn’t be able to walk this afternoon. Part of me was glad that she had canceled our usual afternoon activity, but part of me was a little anxious. She was not going to heal effectively if she skipped her exercises, and she hadn’t done any yesterday.
Now I had the afternoon to myself, and I decided to go up to the turret to paint. When I walked into my room to get to the balcony, I was surprised to see that a thin envelope had been pushed under the door. The letter was from New York City, from an administrator friend at my nursing agency. She had written to check in on me and see how things were going. If only she knew! Although it was technically against agency rules, she had written to tell me that another job had become available. If I was interested, she wrote, this would be a great opportunity for me. The patient was a well-known New York City matron who lived in posh surroundings in an old building on the Upper West Side. She needed nursing supervision only twice a day and I would be paid handsomely.
I was torn. Suddenly I had an opportunity to leave this place and forget about Diana and all the heartache she had caused. I could leave Alex to her memories and not be responsible for bridging the gap between her and her family’s past. I could start fresh.
But leaving Alex—did I really want to do that? She was still in the process of healing and I had a professional responsibility to her. I didn’t know whether I could live with myself if I left her now in the care of a stranger. I looked at the letter again. My friend needed an answer soon. I would have to decide quickly.
I put the letter in my desk and continued on my way to the turret. This time I was sure to pocket the key after I unlocked the turret door. No one was going to lock me up there again! Unlike the day before, I left the shades up and felt a welcome warmth from the sunlight. Looking critically at the painting of the leaning tree that I had started, I acknowledged that it certainly was dark. I had used dark greens and browns and maroon for the tree, a charcoal gray for the water, and a dusky blue for the sky. It actually wasn’t bad for a painting that had been completed in just a few hours. Even the water, which was my weak spot, didn’t look too bad.
Today I wanted to paint a picture in colors that were a little lighter and brighter. I painted the first thing that came to mind: a small, uninhabited island. I sketched first—the trees, the rocky shoreline, the clouds, the reeds and bushes. After a while, when I was satisfied with my drawings, I took out the paints and painted my island. I used light greens and yellows, a sapphire blue for the water, and a light blue for the sky. When I stood back from it to have a look, I had to admit that I liked this painting better than the one I had completed the day before.
While I worked I was able to completely empty my mind of all unpleasantness, but everything came back in a flood as I was putting the painting sup
plies away, my thoughts tumbling around in my head. What should I do about Alex, if anything? Should I accept the other position? Should I tell anyone here about my newly discovered identity? I was unsure of how to proceed. As for Alex, her actions had hurt me, and I certainly wasn’t ready to accept her as a grandmother.
As for the new position, I was leaning toward accepting the offer from my agency. It might help both Alex and me if we had some space between us, and another nurse would surely treat Alex well.
As for telling anyone my new identity, Alex and Stephan already knew, and now Pete as well. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone else just yet. I think I feared being despised even more around Hallstead Island if others knew about my true relationship to Alex. Vali and Leland and even Will disliked me enough already. Why give them another reason?
When I was done cleaning up, I went back to my room and sat down at the desk. I needed to respond to my nursing agency. Though I drafted a letter accepting the position in New York, there was a slight feeling of unease in the back of my mind, a feeling like I was running away from a challenge and a stirring of guilt that I was leaving Alex in someone else’s care. But the more I thought about it, the more the positive aspects of the new job outweighed the negatives. I would sleep on it and mail the letter from Cape Cartier in the morning. Pete could take me over in the boat.
I didn’t feel like talking with Stephan or Will that evening at dinner, so I went downstairs an hour before dinner and made a sandwich for myself. Dinner for the others was cooking, but luckily Vali was not around to harass me. I left a note for her stating that I would not be downstairs for dinner and I took my sandwich upstairs to eat. On the way I checked quickly in Alex’s rooms. She was in a consultation with Stephan and Will and said she would be fine for the rest of the evening.
I spent the rest of the night catching up on some correspondence that I had been neglecting, including letters to two coworkers from my previous job, letting them know that I was coming back and would see them soon.
Feeling tired, I got into bed early. There was a fire burning in the grate and my room was nice and warm. I was just starting to doze off when there was a knock at my door. I threw on a robe and went to the door quietly, unsure of whether I should open it. I stood next to the door and said softly, “Who is it?”
“Pete.”
I opened the door and stood back to let him in, but he stayed in the doorway.
“I’m sorry if I woke you up,” he said.
“That’s okay. I wasn’t asleep yet. I just got into bed a little early.”
He seemed unsure of what to say next.
“Did you need something?” I prompted.
“Not really. I was just wondering if you wanted to go on a little day-trip with me tomorrow. I’m heading over to Heart Island, where there’s a big castle you might like to see. There’s an interesting story behind it.”
“I’m not sure I should leave Alex for a day.”
“Actually, this was Alex’s idea. She’s good friends with the curator, and he’s agreed to let us have the place to ourselves tomorrow. Normally the castle isn’t open to the public at this time of year.” He paused. “Alex thought you might like a day away from here.”
I nodded. I could use a day away. And as long as Alex had given her permission, I could go with a clear conscience. Pete’s reference to an interesting story behind the castle sounded intriguing. So I smiled at him and said, “I’d love to. What time are you planning to leave?”
“We’ll go around midmorning. Come down to the dock around ten thirty and we’ll head over.”
“Thanks, Pete.”
“See you in the morning.” And he turned and walked down the stairs.
I went back to bed with a feeling of anticipation. The castle and Heart Island sounded interesting, and I couldn’t wait to hear the story. And it might be nice to spend the day with Pete too.
I got back into bed and fell asleep quickly. But it wasn’t long before I woke up feeling wide-awake. Maybe going to bed early hadn’t been such a good idea after all. The clock on my nightstand read twelve thirty. When I wasn’t able to fall asleep again after much tossing and turning, I finally got out of bed. I had finished my book earlier and I was bored. I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts, though, so I put on my robe and slipped into the hallway and down the stairs.
The door to the library was closed. I pushed it open, expecting to find the room in darkness. But to my surprise, several lamps were on and the room was lit warmly. I didn’t see anyone at first, but when I looked around the room, I gave a start. Alex was sitting in one of the leather chairs, staring at nothing. She was wearing a nightgown and slippers and her hair was again in a braid.
“Alex! What are you doing in here? It’s after midnight!”
She turned her head slowly to look at me, but she didn’t appear to have heard my question. I was starting to become alarmed. I went over and put my hand on her shoulder. “Alex,” I repeated, “is something wrong?”
She stared up at me blankly. I took her cold hand in mine and felt her pulse. It was a little faint. I pulled another chair next to hers and sat down. “Alex,” I began softly, “can you tell me what the problem is? I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong. Are you sick?”
She shook her head almost imperceptibly. I waited for her to speak. This was very unlike the Alex I knew during the day.
“I need your help,” she finally whispered.
“How can I help you?” I asked.
“Someone killed Forrest. They’re going to kill me, too.”
I stared at her in shock. Was she hallucinating? “Alex,” I said gently, “Forrest died in an accident several years ago. He wasn’t killed.”
“Yes, he was,” she insisted. “You don’t know.”
“Don’t know what?” I asked. I was becoming very confused.
“You don’t know what I know.”
“What do you know?” I thought it would be best to humor her until she snapped out of this strange funk.
“It was my fault.”
“I’m sure that Forrest’s death wasn’t your fault.”
“It was my fault Forrest died,” she repeated, this time with more urgency. Her voice was stronger; she was beginning to sound more like the Alex I knew, and I was becoming disturbed.
“Can you explain to me how it was your fault?”
“I didn’t push him, but I could have saved him.”
“I don’t understand,” I told her. She sounded more lucid now, but her words still weren’t making much sense to me.
She swallowed and began her chilling story.
CHAPTER 10
“All of this happened several years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting on the floor up in my studio—your turret room. I was surrounded by cardboard boxes. I had taken a day off from my work and there were so many things in the studio that I needed to sort through and organize. I remember being in a panic thinking that I might not be able to finish it all in one day. It was beautiful outside, and the room was bright with sunshine.
“Forrest came up the stairs looking for me. He had also taken the day off and he was bored. He had already been fishing early that morning and he didn’t want to be inside on such a nice day. He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him. Or take a break on the balcony.”
Alex sighed. “I told him I didn’t have time to go walking just then and that I didn’t need a break yet. There were so many things I thought I needed to accomplish that day, and I figured we could take a walk or relax later that afternoon. Or the next day.
“So Forrest went out on the balcony for a look around. He did that sometimes. He would walk around the entire balcony on the second floor just to have a bird’s-eye view of Hallstead Island. He loved it here,” she added wistfully.
“After he left, I kept working. At one point, I heard voices out on the balcony. They were low, and I couldn’t hear what was being said. I couldn’t even tell who was talking
. But it didn’t matter. I stayed focused on what I was doing and it wasn’t long before I didn’t even notice the voices anymore.”
Alex paused, then closed her eyes and took a deep breath, as if trying to steel herself against what was coming. Then she continued. “After a while my knees started to hurt. So I decided to take that break. I went in search of Forrest, assuming he was still on the balcony somewhere, probably sitting in the sun. When I didn’t see him, I walked around the balcony looking for him. I figured he was on the opposite side of the house. But he wasn’t. I had gone three-quarters of the way around the second floor when I saw him.” Alex covered her face with her thin hands and shook her head.
“As long as I live, I will never get that sight out of my head! He was lying there on the ground, on the rocks. There was blood everywhere and there was a large gash on his head. His body was broken. I have never been so scared in all my life. Even when Diana died, I was always thankful that I wasn’t the one to find her. I couldn’t have lived with that memory.”
She paused for several moments, then went on more calmly. “He was at the bottom of the staircase leading from the balcony to the ground. I hurried down the stairs, screaming for help. He had already died when I found him.” She swallowed hard. “It wasn’t long before everyone was gathered around Forrest and me. Vali and Leland were there, and Pete and Will. I couldn’t bear to leave Forrest’s side, but I was covered in blood and Will pulled me away. Pete had called for a doctor, who got over to the island quickly, bringing the police with him. But it was too late. Before long the coroner came and took Forrest away.
“Do you see, Macy? If I had taken that walk with him, like he asked, he wouldn’t have died that day. I could have saved him. I could have prevented what happened, or I could have gone for help sooner and he wouldn’t have died.”
In spite of myself, my heart went out to Alex all over again. I took her ice-cold hands in mine. “Alex,” I began, looking into her eyes, “Forrest’s death wasn’t your fault. It was a tragic accident. And if the fall hurt him as badly as you say, then you wouldn’t have been able to get help in time to save him. He would have died anyway. You can’t blame yourself for what happened.”