‘Abhi, don’t let the baby eat me!’ I appealed.
Abhi looked at me sympathetically. ‘I’ll try my very best, sweetheart.’
He pulled me close to him and we lay in bed, snuggling. ‘I still can’t believe it. You’re not going to hit me if I say that repeatedly for a few days?’ he asked.
I shook my head and stared at the ceiling. ‘Oddly, other than saying that we don’t want them, we haven’t discussed children much, have we?’
‘I don’t think so,’ Abhi replied, trying to remember. ‘By the way, shouldn’t you see a doctor immediately?’
‘I will,’ I assured him. ‘First I’d like to get the blood test done.’
‘Okay. You’ll do that today?’
‘I’ll try my best.’
‘I …’ He paused.
‘…still can’t believe it?’ I shot him a look. He grinned sheepishly and I couldn’t help smiling back.
9:30 a.m.
As I was taking a shower, I suddenly realized I had a military-level secret to keep. The rule was ingrained into every Indian girl who showed any potential of making a baby at any point in her life – never ever reveal you are pregnant till the first trimester is up.
I had never been good at keeping secrets.
10:00 a.m.
I said a long bye to Abhi at the door. He looked very sombre.
‘Take it easy, alright?’
‘First daddy speech?’ I asked light-heartedly, but he suddenly looked like he was wearing very tight underwear.
‘Now, please don’t get stressed and launch into Bengali again!’ I pleaded, watching his face. ‘No daddy, no mommy, alright? Just Tara and Abhi.’ I hugged him reassuringly.
As he was getting into the car he shook his head and looked at me. ‘You know I…’
‘…still can’t believe it. I know!’ I exclaimed exasperatedly.
Richard & Davis Advertising Agency. 11:00 a.m.
Grabbing a free minute between meetings, I took a deep breath and called up Mom and Dad.
‘Mom, I have something to tell you both. Please call Dad as well.’
‘Beta! Kya hua? What’s wrong? Sudhanshu, come here! Something’s happened to Tara.’
‘Tara beta,’ Dad joined in. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Why does anything have to be wrong? What if I have good news?’
‘Good news?’ stuttered Mom. ‘You mean you fired Radha?!’
‘No! I … I’m pregnant!’
Silence.
‘Mom? Mumma? Dad? What’s going on?’
I heard a lot of commotion, followed by my father calling my mother’s name repeatedly.
‘Dad, what’s going on?’ I asked, flustered.
After some more shuffling, Dad took the phone.
‘Beta, Mom is in the puja room furiously breaking nariyal in front of God. Think this is her workout for the day,’ he said, chuckling. ‘I’m so happy for you, beta. Sukhi raho. Khush raho. You might not know it yet, but I know already that you will be an excellent mother.’
Despite my apprehensions, I felt the sting of happy tears.
Soon Mom came back to the phone in a more composed state, but her voice was trembling with excitement.
‘You’ve made me so, so happy, Tara. I almost thought I was going to have a frozen egg as a grandchild, but thank the Lord,’ she announced happily as my heart sank a bit further in contrast, gripped by an unknown fear.
12:30 p.m.
‘Tadeeeee!’ Mira sang as she answered her phone.
‘Don’t Tadi me. You’ve been disappearing too frequently. Unacceptable!’
‘Tadi, are you okay?’
‘Don’t change the topic. Of course I am. Why?’
‘It felt like I was eating tandoori chicken but it didn’t taste anything like tandoori chicken. Soulless. There was no feel to your berating. Like you didn’t even mean it. Something on your mind?’
‘Well … I mean … fine. I’m pregnant.’ I was now learning to drop this bomb with the ease of an expert.
There was a pause of about ten seconds followed by an incredible amount of yelling.
‘I’m soooooo sooooo sooooo happy for you, Tadeeee! I can’t think of a more perfect couple. You guys are so awesome together and now there will be a small brat or … well, what’s the female of brat, bratty?’ She was talking so fast I thought she would get her tongue tied in a knot.
‘Thanks, baby,’ I said and laughed.
‘But I know you guys weren’t planning on having one. So what happened?’
‘Go ask the condom company.’
‘Wait, Tadi, you’re happy with this news, right? I mean, they can be a pain but imagine, your own little human!’
‘I know, I know. It’s just a surprise for us as well. I guess I’m happy.’ Then I changed the topic. ‘But now you tell me where you are and why haven’t you called?’
‘I’m sorry, di.’ She sounded tired. ‘This Mr Moo Moo is taking such a toll! The backend and logistics are frying my brain. Seriously, I can hear it sizzling away these days. But I won’t give up easily. Out of curiosity though, how many Mr Moo Moo jokes were you thinking of just now?’
‘Give or take a few, about seven.’
‘That’s actually not bad. I wish Mom could have a sense of humour about it. She still thinks I’m milking cows for a living.’
‘Relax. You know she’s wary because you have been fickle on occasion. She will come around. What you really should be worried about is that the last time I visited them, I saw her sifting through the matrimonial section of the newspaper and checking matrimonials.com.’
‘You’ve got to be kidding me!’ she shouted.
‘Nope,’ I told her calmly. ‘By the way, is Raooooool still lurking around?’
‘Very much, actually. I know, I know. He comes across as a bit of a fool but he isn’t all that bad. You’ll see. Anyway, I’m in Bangalore but I’m coming to see you as soon as my work here is done.’
‘Okay, sweetie. I’ll see you soon.’
‘Please please please take extra care of yourself, okay? Can’t believe…’
‘Ah, the theme of my life right now,’ I muttered.
4:00 p.m.
I saw Sania at the cafeteria. She grinned and bounded towards me. Instead of grinning back, I froze, wondering whether to tell her or not. I felt as if I’d done something wrong and been caught red-handed.
I had a quick internal dialogue with myself.
Tell her.
No! Wait for three months.
She’s your best friend.
So what? You want to take a chance and challenge ancient wisdom?
She will be so hurt when she finds out later.
Later is better. Didn’t you read that the baby is more vulnerable to buri nazar if the news gets out too early?
She will strangle me if she finds out from someone else.
She’s a grown-up. You need to only think of your child right now.
Oh shut up!
I pulled her into my cabin and shut the door.
‘I’m pregnant!’ I blurted, demonstrating yet again the delicate art of sharing information that I had recently mastered.
Her grin, which had transitioned to confusion, reached its final destination of pure shock.
‘What? … Wow! Be####d,’ she shouted.
‘You can’t tell anyone, not before the first trimester!’ I shouted back.
‘Why the f##k not? But fine! I won’t!’ she yelled again.
‘Why are we still shouting?’ I screamed.
‘Wow! Oh God!’ Sania rubbed her head. ‘I just came by because I thought I’d drive you back home. But … wow … a baby!’
‘And?’ I laughed, watching her inscrutable expression.
‘We never made any plans for a baby.’ She paused and looked at me.
‘It is true. Not once since our honeymoon.’ I nodded seriously.
This was finally enough to extract a smile out of her. ‘Oh stop it! Well, I know I haven’t
shown any love for babies yet and frankly, I don’t like them much, but this is your baby! I already love him or her! Oh my God. There is so much to do. Shopping list, doctor’s appointments, baby shower.’
‘Hold it, hold it. I’m still in shock. I don’t even know how far along I am. Can we hold on to the baby shower for now?’
She scooped me up in a big hug and I could feel her wide smile pressing against my ears.
‘This is just lovely, T! Just awesome. Don’t you worry. We will hold fort together. Even if the baby’s arrival changes everything. We will be fine!’ It seemed like she was talking more to herself than to me. ‘Awesome!’ she chanted. ‘I just can’t…’
‘Don’t complete that statement!’ I yelled, pushing her towards the door, wishing I could muster the same exuberance she had.
17
Dham Dhaam. 1 April. 10:00 a.m.
Operator: ‘Welcome to MS Medical Centre. How may I help you?’
Me: ‘Hi. I would like a technician sent home for a pregnancy determination blood test.’
Operator: ‘Sure ma’am. We have technician. Can you please tell me your age and sex?’
Me: ‘I’m thirty-two, and well, female. Don’t I sound like one?’
Operator: ‘Can you tell me if you are sexually active?’
Me: ‘Is this an April Fool’s Day joke?’
Operator: ‘No ma’am.’
Me: ‘You do realize I’m asking for a pregnancy test, right?’
Operator: ‘Ma’am, that comes as part of the gynaecology package. For that I need sex. Matlab I need to know sex and other details.’
Me: ‘How can you force a gynaecology package on me when I just want a single test? And why link a general check-up with pregnancy?’
Operator: ‘Ma’am, you can redeem package anytime this year and blood test can happen now.’
Me: ‘Like a gift voucher, you mean.’
Operator: ‘Sorry ma’am?’
Me: ‘Nothing. I’m very sexually active, thank God, and I’ll take the package. Please send a technician tonight along with that gift voucher for my nether regions.’
Richard & Davis Advertising Agency. 3 April. 1:00 p.m.
It had been a frenetic two days. Call after call, only to be followed by a string of meetings. Whatever time I snatched in the middle for a breather was invested in checking if the blood test report had arrived in my inbox. No blood test result of mine had ever taken more than a day to show up, but of course the most nerve-wracking one was taking the longest! I called up the medical centre to check, also because I was tired of Abhi’s incessant questioning.
Me: ‘Hi. My patient ID is 114378. I haven’t received my report yet.’
Operator: ‘Ma’am, did you check your account?’
Me: ‘Of course. That’s how I know I don’t have it.’
Operator: ‘But ma’am, it says here that it has been sent. It has left our outbox.’
Me: ‘Then is it taking the bus or cycling its way to my inbox?’
3:00 p.m.
I stepped into my cabin, stomach growling, having missed my lunch. I saw Sania sitting on my chair with a big brown paper bag.
‘You haven’t had lunch, I presume?’ she asked.
The guilty smile on my face was a response in itself.
‘What the f##k, Tara!’ she yelled as I covered the baby’s ears by cupping my stomach from both sides. ‘Multigrain salad bagel and a strawberry smoothie,’ she announced, pushing the bag towards me.
‘Thank God!’ I lunged at the food after giving her a sideways hug. ‘By the way, for someone who is baby-phobic, you sure are ensuring I’m taking care of mine!’ I laughed.
‘Firstly, I’m not baby-phobic. I just think they are strange and avoidable. Secondly, you need to take of yourself before taking care of him.’
‘Him?’ I raised my eyebrow. ‘Or her?’
‘It?’ She shrugged.
‘You know, I was wondering,’ I said between mouthfuls. ‘What if it turns out that the pregnancy test was wrong?’
Sania looked undecided. ‘I don’t know. Do you want to be pregnant?’
It was my turn to look undecided. ‘I really don’t know.’ I shrugged.
6:30 p.m.
As I was getting into the car, Abhi called once again.
‘Any news from the medical centre?’
‘No. But I am happy to offer a gynae gift voucher to anyone whose uterus needs attention. Can you suggest some names?’
‘No.’ He laughed.
‘Abhi, shouldn’t we call Uncle–Auntie as well?’ I had referred to Abhi’s parents as Uncle–Auntie ever since our marriage.
‘Absolutely not!’ Abhi piped up. ‘You know how sensitive she is. Let’s be very sure first.’
8:30 p.m.
I was soaking in the tub when Abhi walked in, wearing a shirt and boxers. A quick peck on the head and then he sat down on the side of the tub.
‘Boxers to work? That’s a new trend.’
Abhi laughed. ‘I barely noticed!’ Then he sniffed. ‘But what I have noticed is the yummy smell of kebabs which I’m sure you’re responsible for, to save me from Radha’s handiwork tonight. Thank you!’
‘You’re most welcome.’ I smiled. ‘By the way, you mentioned a new business win when I called you at work. Which…’ I trailed off mid-sentence as a beep from my phone echoed loudly. It was a mail alert with the report. We both looked at each other.
‘Please read it, Abhi.’ I could see the nervousness in his eyes as he hastily picked up my phone.
After what seemed like an eternity, he looked up.
‘Roy Junior arrived eight weeks ago.’
We were silent, absorbing the magnitude of this news.
‘Wha … eight weeks? Already? But I didn’t feel anything!’ I confessed.
‘Maybe we are having a very low-maintenance baby!’ Abhi suggested, holding my hand tightly under the soapy water.
18
Dham Dhaam. 5 April. 5:00 a.m.
I sat staring at the insides of the pot, wanting to throw up my intestines. That fat bastard Murphy. Low-maintenance baby? Not so much!
5:20 a.m.
I was still staring at the insides of the pot. This close inspection had brought to light other matters. I could see spots all over. Out came the Harpic.
6:00 a.m.
Abhi, rudely woken from his sleep by my unearthly heaving noises, kept bringing me glasses of water and towels.
‘Poor baby,’ he said while rubbing my back.
6:15 a.m.
Finally, after what seemed like a few hours but was in reality just a little more than one, I got up and made my way back to bed. Abhi was fast asleep, still clutching a towel in one hand. Since I was completely awake, I decided to go for a walk.
I saw at least seven pregnant women in a space of thirty minutes. All in different stages. There were women with their tummies just popped, still trying to hide the bulge with loose clothing, fidgeting with every movement. There were some who looked extremely pregnant, with huge bellies, well in the third trimester, waddling away like penguins. I wondered what I would look like and how big I would get.
When I got back home, I decided to make Abhi his favourite anda paratha – an unexpected treat on a weekday morning for him.
‘Ooooooh! Nothing like the smell of anda paratha in the morning,’ he said, suddenly appearing behind me. ‘But love, why are you pushing yourself? I thought you’d be sleeping and then I read my message.’
‘I really wanted to sleep, but after that intensive “pot darshan” I was suddenly infused with a bolt of energy.’
‘Hmm,’ he said disapprovingly, while cramming a bite into his mouth. ‘You still need to take it a bit easy. But I’ll back off till I feel like there needs to be an intervention. Deal?’
‘Deal!’
Richard & Davis Advertising Agency. 1:15 p.m.
Sometime before lunch, Mr Vohra came looking for me as I walked back into my room. He greeted me with the exube
rance of a clapping sea lion. ‘Hello Tara!’
Let the interrogation begin, I thought.
‘So how was the Italian extravaganza?’ He beamed.
‘Well, I wouldn’t call it an extravaganza. It was great though. Usual sightseeing, lots of walking, good fun.’
‘Great great,’ he added cheerfully. ‘So no holiday coming up for a while, I hope?’ and with that he laughed uproariously, as if he had officially cracked the best joke in the world. Military Vohra was a bit more tolerable. At least he did not get on my nerves. Looking at my deadpan expression, he quickly collected himself.
‘Umm, well … I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be flying out with you next week to Chennai. We need to take a brief from the RPK Group. This could be big. Next Friday. Please block your calendar.’ Then he adjusted his wig, which had taken a walk to the right side of his head, and sauntered away.
Walking towards my desk, I noticed Ms Venugopal in all her voluptuous glory, standing next to the water fountain. She had a smile on her face and she was making invisible doodles on her coffee mug like heroines from old black-and-white movies would just before bursting into a nasal song. But her eyes were completely fixed on the retreating figure of Mr Vohra. Hmm. What was happening here? She suddenly caught my eye and looked startled.
‘Oh, Miss India! How are you?’ she called out, looking at me.
‘You’ve demoted me to Miss India from Miss World? Oh no.’
She tittered gleefully. ‘Oh you’re too funny, Tara!’
5:00 p.m.
The front desk announced a visitor. My stomach started gurgling with the anticipation of some new crises. To my surprise it was Kabir. This was his first visit to my office … well, now his girlfriend’s office, so maybe that explained it.
‘Kabir!’ I shot out of my chair and gave him an enthusiastic hug, which he returned very warmly. ‘What a surprise!’
‘A pleasant one, I hope.’ He smiled and looked around. ‘Swanky office. I like it.’
‘Why, thank you! You’re here to meet Sania? I saw her a while ago, heading into the conference room. I can check for you,’ I offered, picking up my landline.
‘I actually came to see you.’ His smile now became mysterious.
‘I’m flattered.’ I grinned back, even more surprised.
‘Well … I don’t want to give a long speech and mess it up. I just wanted to tell you that I know and I’m very happy for you both. Abhi is my best buddy but you’re my buddy as well, and I just wanted to give you something to … well, help you through the next few months.’
I Didn't Expect to be Expecting (Ravinder Singh Presents) Page 6