‘You’re the nuttiest pregnant woman I’ve ever met!’ said Sania, still laughing.
‘Why, thank you!’
‘Isn’t that Kabir’s mom?’ Shoma sat up and raised her sunglasses to her head, squinting for a better view.
We all turned our heads in the direction she was looking in and our mouths fell open at the same time. Kabir’s mom was in the pool with a few of her friends. They were wearing those swimsuits that look like ballerina costumes and cover everything. But what was really funny and clear by their movements was that they were drunk. Kabir was gesticulating animatedly with his hands and saying something to them.
‘My sasu ma’s drunk! Oh my God!’ Sania laughed.
‘See? Didn’t I tell you everything was going to work out? Before you’ve even left the marriage venue she’s become you!’
‘This might actually be the best decision I’ve ever made! Yay! Happy marriage to me!’ sang a very happy Sania.
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Dr Peerbhoy’s Clinic. 21 September. 6:30 p.m.
‘I’m blue daba dee daba day…’ Dr Peerbhoy hummed away while both of us looked at the ultrasound monitor expectantly. Abhi and I watched in amazement as various parts of the baby’s body were highlighted, the cutest sight being a few tiny, scrumptious fingers!
‘I’m blue…daba dee… your baby is still in breach position,’ Dr Peerbhoy announced abruptly. I had hoped to hear exactly the opposite.
‘Please doc! I don’t want to have a caesarean baby. Please please please. What can I do to turn it around?’
‘This is not the Wheel of Fortune. The baby will turn around in due course. But you know, there is actually one thing you can do to try and change the baby’s position. It might require some hard work.’
‘Anything, doc,’ piped up Abhi. ‘Just say the word.’
‘Sex,’ she said gravely. ‘Lots and lots of it.’
Abhi looked confused. I looked elated. After a few seconds of staring at us, she burst out laughing.
‘New parents are just such easy targets. Phew!’ She wiped the tears from her eyes and walked out of the room, laughing.
‘Mad bawi!’ Abhi muttered after her.
Richard & David Advertising Agency. 22 September. 3:45 p.m.
I sat at my desk horrified. What was unfolding on my screen was the most ghastly scene I had ever seen in my entire life. I had asked Shoma to look up a C-section video online that wouldn’t scar me for life and mail it to me so that I could prepare myself, just in case.
I called her up. ‘What in God’s name did you send me?’
‘Trust me, that was the least horrific one I could find. And by the way, thanks to this research, I can never get myself to have a baby now! Ever.’
There was a knock on the door. It flew open as a jovial Mr Vohra strutted in.
Unfortunately, my laptop was facing the door.
‘Hi Tara. I just wanted to … Hey bholenaath! Shiv shambhoo!’ He covered his eyes like someone had poured acid into them and turned away from the screen. Hearing this commotion, a few other people came running in, including Nakul.
‘Boss, everything … Aaaaaaaargh! Oh my God oh my God oh my God! What is that? Why are you watching it?’
He covered his eyes while others ducked out the door as quickly as their feet could carry them.
‘Hello, hello!’ Shoma’s faint voice reached my ears. ‘All okay?’
‘Let’s just say it won’t be only the two of us having nightmares about this video.’
Diagnostic Clinic. 22 September. 7:00 p.m.
‘I can never eat again, Abhi. I mean, they were cutting her open like she was a sack of potatoes!’
We were at the diagnostic clinic as per Dr Peerbhoy’s instructions and I was sharing my horror with Abhi.
A smartly dressed girl in a business suit walked up to us.
‘Sir, madam. Would you like the 3D scan or the 4D scan? The 4D scan is much clearer. You can see the baby very clearly. All parents are opting for it now.’
‘Let me guess. It’s thrice the cost of the regular scan,’ Abhi remarked.
‘Of course.’ The smile remained plastered on her face.
‘T, your call.’ Abhi passed the baton to me.
‘Will I get special effects and a proper 4D experience? Like a spray of amniotic liquid on the face, or a hiccup vibration from the baby?’ I asked.
‘I’m sorry, ma’am?’ The smile refused to budge.
‘Darling,’ Abhi whispered in my ear. ‘Please don’t try your brand of humour here. Let’s just get the 4D and see RJ in extra high definition.’
Dham Dhaam. 24 September 10:00 a.m.
I had just finished a round of discussions with the Kolkata mashis, who had set me up with a fresh list of dos and don’ts. Of course, that meant I was also nursing a fresh headache.
Once the mashis were done, it was Abhi’s Mom and Dad’s turn on FaceTime.
‘Bouma, hospital formalities done?’ That was a record number of words from my father-in-law, so I enthusiastically replied to him.
‘We have, Uncle. But you know, we can change our minds even at the last minute.’
‘Are we planning to not have a baby? A bit late for that, don’t you think?’ Abhi looked at me quizzically.
‘Well, I have been reading up on the various options for delivery. I can use a midwife and deliver at home. I can have a yoga birth. Or my favourite – the water birth.’
‘Whaater birth! But eu are naat a pabda maach, beta. How can humaans be born under whaater?’ Auntie sounded dumbfounded.
‘Stop messing with them.’ Abhi smiled, knowing fully well that I was just pulling their legs.
‘That’s eet. You are haabhing delibhery in Kolkata.’
‘No Ma, she is not!’ Abhi said loudly and then shot me a murderous look. I stared back innocently and bit into my apple.
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Dham Dhaam. 26 September. 9:00 a.m.
‘Oh my God, Tadee! Your stomach! The skin is so stretched, it looks like it’s going to tear. And look at your boobs. Huuuge!’
Mira had dropped in to check on me and could not get over the changes in my body.
‘Mira darling. You’re being far too kind. I really can’t take all these compliments.’
‘C’mon Tadi, you know you would look good even if you were the size of a tent, but seriously, it’s fascinating to see you right now. I think you’re the first pregnant person I’ve seen at such close quarters.’
‘You make me sound like a chimpanzee at the zoo! And stop touching me!’ I said, brushing her hands off my stomach. ‘I have to fight so many people at work anyway. It’s like this area is a free-for-all. So annoying! Initially I used to smile tolerantly, but now I snarl like a rabid dog at every approaching hand.’
‘Just whack them. Pregnant women can get away with anything. And hold still. I want to send a picture to Raool. He keeps asking about you.’
‘Don’t you dare take a picture of me in this state.’
She suddenly looked sad.
‘What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing.’ She shrugged.
‘Mira.’
‘You know what the matter is. Every time I bring up Rahul’s topic, Dad runs away to do yoga and Mom starts telling me about some stupid TV serial.By the way, there’s a new one where a woman, who is also a snake, comes to Mumbai to avenge her family’s deaths.’
‘Yes, so I’ve heard. Remind me to warn Mrs Dham to keep an eye out for her in the garden. Anyway, don’t try so hard. Just give them some time.’
‘Tadi, you’ll speak to them?’
‘You know I’m not comfortable doing that, baby. How can I convince them if I am not convinced myself? He’s sweet, but as a life partner?’
‘Tadi, we love each other.’ That disarming declaration made me pause.
‘I don’t know, Mira … give me some time as well.’
‘All I need to know is that you are at least thinking about helping me out.’ She gave me one of her spe
cial bear hugs and then bent over my tummy.
‘You have a swell mom, my baby and …’ she shrieked.
‘What, what? What?’ My heart leapt to my mouth.
‘I felt a kick!’ she screamed with joy.
Richard & David Advertising Agency. 29 September. 4:00 p.m.
‘Mr Vohra. You wanted to see me?’ I sat down, while he looked fidgety.
‘Yes. Please don’t get me wrong, but would you consider coming back a bit earlier from your maternity leave?’
‘Earlier? How much earlier? Are you concerned about the client transition with Pamela? It’s happening pretty smoothly. I don’t anticipate any big problems, if you’re worried about that.’
‘We got the Pharmakind account.’
‘What!’ I shouted with joy. ‘That’s amazing! Congrats!’
He beamed briefly. ‘It is very exciting. Congratulations to you too. It was a lot of your hard work.’
‘This is great news. Where is the problem? And what does it have to do with my maternity leave?’
‘Well, we have a few months till the product line is ready and other legalities are completed. But when the work begins finally, they want only you to head the business.’
‘But Pamela is extremely capable and was part of the pitch team. We should…’
‘I tried, Tara, I tried. It was their one condition.’
‘Mr Vohra, I cannot predict my date of delivery. I do speak to my baby, but it’s not like I manage to get any insider information so we can plan better. And I have no idea how I can get back earlier than three to four months. What if I need even more time than I’ve asked for?’
‘I’m sorry for doing this to you, but I really had no option but to at least ask. Please, Tara. It’s a ten-crore account. We will give you all the flexibility you need. Anything to make it work,’ Vohra pleaded.
‘But I really can’t…’
‘Tara, you know it’s been two bad years for us. One such account on board, and this will be a lifeline for the agency. Please.’
There was something unnerving about being pleaded with. I had a tendency to succumb.
‘Okay.’
‘Okay?’ Vohra’s face went from surprised to relieved. ‘Thank you so much, Tara! You are a lifesaver.’ He pumped my hand enthusiastically.
‘Ouch,’ I muttered, and extracted my hand from his sweaty grasp. ‘Can we chat about the details later?’
As I walked out of there, I could feel a stress heachache developing. What had I gotten myself into? I didn’t know what to do with a baby to begin with, and now I had made matters worse by committing to something I would probably never be able to follow through with!
62
Dham Dhaam. 13 October. 9:00 p.m.
After a long honeymoon break, Kabir and Sania were finally back in town, looking tanned and happy, armed with stories to tell. All I was interested in was extracting details about how much sex they’d had as Abhi rubbed some moisturiser on my stomach’s dry and stretched skin.
‘You really don’t want to do this after we leave?’ Kabir asked, as his eyes avoided my big belly.
‘Your diversionary tactics will not help. You both have month-long-sex written all over your faces!’
‘Not the sex topic again!’ Abhi declared dramatically.
‘Thanks buddy!’ Kabir laughed, looking in Abhi’s direction.
‘Okay, forget that, what was Auntie’s take on her pool antics with her friends? That was hilarious!’ I suddenly remembered that evening by the pool.
‘Poor thing!’ Sania replied. ‘Right after all the ceremonies were over, she called for a Satyanarayan pooja. She even fasted for two days as penance! Even Dad had a chat with her to calm her down, but she said she had to atone for her sins!’
We all burst out laughing.
‘If we haven’t already mentioned it a few million times, it was a beautiful wedding,’ Abhi said, patting Kabir’s back.
‘And Bali was even more fantastic,’ Sania sighed wistfully. ‘By the way, we bumped into two couples on their babymoon. Aren’t you guys going on one?’
She got a blank look from both of us.
‘Babymoon? How can so many events fit into just nine months?’ asked Abhi.
‘And what’s the point of a babymoon? Abhi won’t have sex with me anyway, and I won’t be able to walk a lot or be very touristy either. So that leaves us with shopping and eating,’ I analysed with a furrowed brow.
‘T, try not being this romantic!’ Sania laughed.
‘And stop talking about sex!’ Abhi interjected.
I hugged his arm. ‘Sorry baby! You see, according to Shoma’s research, pregnant women are known to have a much higher libido! So, where are you taking me for our babymoon?’
10:30 p.m.
Just before leaving, Kabir pecked me on my cheek and whispered in my ear, ‘Thanks for saving the day and getting my bride back to me. You’re my angel.’
63
Khandala. 21 October. 9:30 a.m.
‘Happy babymoon!’ Abhi declared as we got off at our hotel. After I had gone on about the lack of a babymoon and the need to have one last just-the-two-of-us holiday together, Abhi had planned a small weekend getaway with Dr Peerbhoy’s permission. Khandala was as far as I was allowed to travel in my ninth month.
I yawned and stretched, but it did not bring much relief to my back, which had been constantly sore for the past few weeks. It took a lot of pushing and pulling to get myself out of the passenger seat. ‘I demand a whole block of chikki for that effort!’ I declared.
11:00 a.m.
It was near impossible to walk on the roads. People were banging into each other everywhere, pouring out like ants from chikki shops, restaurants, toyshops and makeshift tourist attractions.
‘I can’t do this anymore.’ I sat down outside a shop as a frightened dog darted away upon seeing my large behind moving in to take his spot.
I was panting and sweating from the uphill climb. ‘Here, have some water, T. I told you we should have had some breakfast at the hotel.’
‘I just wanted to get out,’ I said, pouting.
‘Well, I’m certainly not letting you walk any more right now.’
‘I can walk, Abhi.’
‘Do you want RJ to bear a “Khandala-born” tag all his or her poor life?’
‘Yikes! No!’ I hadn’t thought about that.
‘Then stay put,’ he ordered, looking around. That’s when he saw a horse nearby. ‘Hey, let’s take a horse back to the hotel?’
‘Are you insane?’
‘Look around, T. There is no other transportation available. Our car is at the hotel, far away. I’m not leaving you here alone. We will be very careful. C’mon.’
The horse shot me a look, as if warning me not to come his way. Abhi finally hailed down a horse-breeder who regarded me warily but eventually laid out all the options before us.
‘Madam, you want BMW or Mercedes or Honda?’ he asked in a most business-like manner.
I was puzzled. ‘Abhi, I thought you said there were no taxis available.’
‘There aren’t.’ Abhi smiled. ‘Those are the names of the horses.’
11:40 a.m.
Abhi’s sturdy left arm circled my bottom protectively as he walked alongside BMW. BMW, on the other hand, perhaps troubled by my weight, kept pooping intermittently. I could see that Abhi was holding his laughter with a lot of effort. As if the embarrassment of mounting the poor beast hadn’t been enough, it had taken me a quarter of an hour just to scramble up. After failing ten consectuive attempts, and providing entertainment to pretty much every passerby, a sympathetic shopkeeper had offered his shop stool as a solution.
‘Fine! Just laugh already.’ And with that, Abhi guffawed all the way till we reached the hotel.
5:00 p.m.
‘Did you have a nice nap, T?’ Abhi smoothed a lock of hair behind my ear as we walked in the hotel garden.
‘Yes,’ I purred back and squeezed his hand tighter. �
�I keep thinking we will never have this time again and that makes me sad.’
‘Don’t think anything of the sort,’ Abhi said, turning my face towards him. ‘Nothing will change.’
And in a burst of exuberance, he leapt up and stood on top of a log we were passing by.
‘We will hug, we will kiss, we will dance, we will sing!’ Then he saw a low wall and scaled it. Just as he was trying to hoist his leg onto the other side to help him stand up, he became still.
‘You were saying?’ I prodded.
Abhi had a curious expression on his face. ‘What is it, Abhi? Are you okay?’
‘I think I might have nicked my genetalia with a protruding nail on this damn wall,’ he said.
‘What! You’ve nicked your balls with a rusty nail?’
‘How indelicately put, Tara!’ he admonished me.
‘Let’s get you a tetanus injection and get the wound cleaned up.’
‘It’s a scratch, I think.’
‘I don’t want you infected with tetanus when I need you in the labour room. Let’s go!’
Medicare Hospital. 5:30 p.m.
The bored receptionist and staff leapt to their feet at the sight of a heavily pregnant woman walking in.
‘Ward boy! Get a stretcher, quick!’
‘Nurse, please call the doctor, we have an emergency delivery!’
While the instructions were being shot out, I went and tapped the excited receptionist’s shoulder. ‘I’m absolutely fine. My husband needs a tetanus injection.’
Their faces fell. Once they had overcome the disappointment, the receptionist called for a doctor. A pretty young girl walked up to us, smiling.
‘Can I help you? I’m Dr Neelam.’
‘Actually, I don’t need a doctor. Just a tetanus injection.’
‘But I will need to clean the wound first.’
Abhi protectively placed a hand in front of his treasure.
‘Please come this way,’ she said, pointing, as a mortified Abhi got up to follow her into the dressing room.
I waited till Abhi was out of earshot and then burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggles.
I Didn't Expect to be Expecting (Ravinder Singh Presents) Page 20