I shook my head with my long exhale as I walked toward the building. Here we go, I thought.
Luckily, I made it through five periods without a single sight of Liam. I didn’t expect anything during lunch because I knew he never went. But when the bell rang after sixth period, I was immediately tense at the thought of English, a place that I knew I would see him. A worry crawled inside my stomach because I was secretly eager to be confronted with him, even it was just for a moment. When I finally walked into the classroom, I gazed to the floor with trepidation. But when I got to my seat I could see that the desk to my left was empty. I sighed with some small relief as I sat watching the door.
After the tardy bell rang, I felt my heart drop with the sight of his desk still empty. Maybe this is a good thing, I thought convincingly. In fact, maybe he did it on purpose for me. He knew it would be hard to see one another, so it was best to be out of sight, out of mind. I grinned as I turned my head to look out the window.
By Friday I felt dull and sluggish. Liam never showed the whole week. His disappearance had been a grateful present at first, but now to say that I missed him was an understatement. And ironically, being around Sean made things worse. He was like a constant reminder of the choice.
I was just walking out of English when I heard, “Emma?”
I looked up at the call of my name. It was Michael Harris. I had known him since we were five. In fact, my old home wasn’t too far from where he lived. My mother was good friends with his until the accident. Even though I was nine at the time, I still remember the pain in her face when she came into my room to tell me.
Michael had actually grown quite handsome with his short auburn hair and baby blue eyes. Even the few freckles near his nose he had as a kid were only a contribution to his looks.
“Yeah,” I said.
I saw his charming smile. It actually made me feel better for the first time today.
“You’ve got to do me a favor.”
My eyebrows lifted and my eyes widened.
“Oh yeah? And what would that be?”
“Validate our plans for tonight.”
“What plans?”
He shifted his gaze as he leaned in toward me.
“Our project.”
I had to search in my memory because I didn’t remember making any plans for a real project. Nothing came to me, though I knew the dream assignment for phycology was due Monday. It was the one where you had to write your dreams down for five days and then analyze what you thought they meant. But I was almost certain he knew that was a solo project.
I scrunched my lips to the side with narrowed eyes. “What are you trying to get out of?”
“Plans with Heather Johnson.”
I rolled my eyes. Oh great.
“So, why me?”
“Because I know you won’t care if she gets mad,” Michael said.
It’s true I wasn’t going to go out of my way to be rude to Heather, but I wasn’t going to be intimated by what boys I was allowed to talk to either. It’s a wonder anyone in school had a boyfriend with the way she takes dibs on almost all the boys at Washington High. Besides Sean, I guess Michael was another current obsession of hers.
“Well, what do I have to do?”
His grin was wide with enthusiasm once I had agreed to the false plans.
“When she bumps into you, just confirm I’m coming to your house in a few hours.”
I held a crooked grin.
“What makes you think I’ll even see her? School just got out.”
He narrowed his eyes at me and even I knew the likelihood of Heather finding me. She was like a bloodhound when she wanted to know something. She would be sure to check Michael’s alibi.
“All right, I’ll tell her,” I said.
His eyes widened slightly with a grateful nature. “Thanks, Em.”
I smiled and forgot he was the only one beside Sean to call me that when we were growing up. It warmed me the way Sean’s presence usually did.
“Maybe on Saturday we can go see a movie. I feel like I’ve seen you but haven’t really gotten to talk to you much since you got back,” he said.
I nodded with a genuine smile because it actually sounded nice. “That sounds like something long overdue.”
Very needed.
I hadn’t been to my locker but two minutes when I could see her blonde hair bouncing toward me with determination. Heather was only feet away when I opened my locker and took a breath to brace myself.
“So you have plans with Michael tonight,” she said. There was clear accusation in her tone. I pulled my head back out and shut my locker to face her.
“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I asked him like a week ago to work on the project.”
“What project?”
Clearly this was a bigger favor than Michael had let on because she didn’t even know what the project was. I guess I had to do all the work.
“The dream project.”
“For phycology?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
Her eyes narrowed.
“Pamela said that was a solo project.”
My lips twisted in and out as I thought of a spontaneous lie.
“It is but I asked Michael if he would help me with my paper.”
I was trying to put the blame on myself, for if she knew Michael was the one asking she would feel scorned. At least with me she would feel that he couldn’t say no because he was just too nice.
“Okay,” she said slowly. I could see the annoyed disbelief in her eyes. It was as if she was questioning why anyone with a 3.8 GPA would need any help. “But why did you have to ask for Friday?”
“Sorry, I didn’t think about it.”
“I guess when all you do is read now you wouldn’t think about it.” She sighed before turning on her heel and stalking off. I couldn’t help letting out a relieved sigh myself. As I walked down the hall to meet Sean at his Jeep, I thought of how Michael owed me for our project. If we went to the movies tomorrow, he better buy me large popcorn.
I was thankful to actually hear from Michael over the weekend. I needed a day out of the house. I could tell my mother was excited too when she handed me way more money than I needed. Perhaps that was just because she was happy to see me getting to hang out with my old childhood friend. Although it got a little awkward when she began to choke up around Michael. I had forgotten that his blue eyes were identical to his mother. The very sight struck my mom with an unexpected melancholy, as if she had learned of the news all over again. I didn’t want to think about what tears she let loose after we left.
“I’ll let you pick,” Michael said.
I grinned to him as we walked across the street toward Carmaike Cinema.
“I think that fitting,” I said. “Along with some popcorn.”
He couldn’t resist the grin in his amused exhale. “Deal. Just please don’t pick that Justin Bieber movie is all I ask.”
I resisted a smile. “I think I can handle that.”
Remembering that Michael was one of those early kids, like me, who had turned seventeen in December, I took a moment to glance at the R-rated movies. A thrill that was still new to me. But eventually I settled on an idea that made the ratings irrelevant.
“How about I am Number 4?” I said.
Michael raised his eyebrows as he bobbed his head back and forth. “Sci-fi?” There was a surprise in his tone before he slightly shrugged with approval. “Good choice.”
“It’s based off a book,” I said.
“Isn’t everything these days?” he said.
I rolled my eyes but knew there was truth in his words. It seemed more than half of the movies these days were either based on books or remakes. If only the world knew of how influenced they really were with films like, I am Number 4. But with my thought I couldn’t help but notice the involuntary choice I had gravitated to. It was the fictional story of an alien boy who moves to a small town and ends up falling in love with a human girl. Had that been an
accident of my mind’s subconscious to remind me of Liam?
I sighed as Michael opened the theater door for me. It seemed clear that even with Liam out of sight he was never going to be out of mind. I would always be missing him. I would always be left with the permanent shadow of his absence.
15. Against
I was running my fingernails up my arm absentmindedly on the drive home from school on Wednesday. When I got home from the movies on Saturday, I was once again left to drown in my small depression; a depression that continued to linger into the new week. Each day was a little sting worse than the last.
The ironic thing was that now that I had given up Liam to keep Sean, I felt more distant with my brother than ever. And it didn’t help that he was putting in more hours with his internship at the law office in Greenville. Part of me felt he was doing it on purpose.
“Emma?” Sean said.
I looked up to him with a blank expectation. “Yeah?” I hadn’t even noticed till now that we were parked on the driveway of the house. I had been so caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t even recognize the stopping of the vehicle.
“I wish that I didn’t have to work so much, but I don’t have a choice.”
“I thought everything was a choice,” I said. He sighed from his nose, well aware I was trying to use his words against him. I shifted my eyes left to right with the small bob of my head as I relented. “I know. It’s fine.”
Actually I wasn’t sure if that was true, but I knew that his tone was sincere enough. I attempted to raise my cheeks before pushing open the door and hopping out of the Jeep.
I made a simple wave with my hand before turning toward the house. When I walked inside I felt even more alone. My dad was out of town for business and my mom had told me this morning that she would be home late tonight because of parent-teacher night. I didn’t even expect to see her, so she had already left me some leftovers from last night to eat for dinner. I figured there was nothing better to do than my statistics homework that was due Friday. Not exactly on my top ten list, but it was at least something to keep my mind occupied.
I threw my coat over the couch and slumped my backpack over only one shoulder as I headed down the hall to my room. I could just feel that this was going to be another week of hell. Is this what it’s going to be like until I graduate? Till I die? The mere thought of knowing this was my one true love was agony. The best I could do was relish in the free moment near the river. But with that memory, I could only stay a moment before I was ripped away and cast back into this hell.
I felt the grimace on my face as I held my left hand to my bedroom door. I closed my eyes, moving my right hand over my forehead as I paused to pray to a god of mercy, to speed up time. Knowing I was alone, I allowed the slow, rolling tears to begin to fall down my cheeks. How am I supposed to do this? I shook my head as my eyes opened at the opening of the door. My momentum led my body forward until the sight that caught my eyes forced me to stop, to freeze.
I was aware of my loosed grip of my backpack only when I felt the small thump upon my right foot. An imaginary gust of air rushed right through my body, as if I were a piece of paper. Even though I tried to fight the urge to stand, my knees threatened to falter.
For the very life of me I couldn’t look away from Liam. He stood in front of my bed, motionless, with a longing gaze upon me.
As I stared into the brightened emerald that pierced through me, my mind flashed images of my life before me, all of Liam and nothing but Liam. I continued to stand motionless as he began to walk cautiously toward me. With each step there came a loss of reason and gain of longing. Is this a dream? It wasn’t the first time since we had parted that I had dreamed of Liam. The only place where I knew I was safe to be with him without the fear of judgment. But regardless, the irrelevant debate of logic was fading as Liam stopped, leaving mere inches between our bodies. His right hand extended up to swipe the back of his hand across my cheek before turning it over to lay his palm against it. I closed my eyes at the warm touch upon my skin, letting my thoughts convince me to let go. If this is a dream, then I hope it never ends. Blindly, I reached my left hand up, placing it on top of Liam’s only seconds before I felt the bottom of his brow delicately lean down to meet the top of my forehead, letting the tip of his nose swipe the bridge of mine, as he wrapped his left arm around my waist to rest his hand on the middle of my back. I inhaled the intoxicating scent of Liam that my dreams had never seemed to replicate good enough until now. But I could swear the inhale of my breath and the desire of my body was real. It was all too perfect.
“Is this real?” I asked.
I was terrified of his next words for they could bring either hope or disappointment.
“Yes,” he said. It was almost breathed out in a whisper. My eyes flashed open to meet the glow of his waiting emerald. From his stare on me I knew instantly that this was not one of my dreams. I really did stand within the safe hold of Liam. And though my rational side whispered for me to step back, my other hand disobeyed, reaching up to clasp his right arm, pulling myself closer and removing any space that had been left between us. The reason had all begun to dull as I tilted my chin up, rising on my toes to softly meet Liam’s lips with a returned passion that could have set the room on fire without my knowledge or care. Instinctively my hands slid up his arms, wrapping around his neck as he simultaneously lifted my thighs, letting me fasten my calves around his waist.
Any reason that had been left was now silenced by my desire. I wanted nobody more than Liam at this moment. My heart began to speed with a dizzying drop in my stomach as he sat us back onto the bed, moving his hands to the side of my face. Our lips parted so that we may be occupied with the sight of one another; at least until we could stand the parting no more.
I could feel my heavy breath as I placed my hands to rest on his shoulders and move up his neck. The warmth of his leaned kiss traveled with his hands that slipped off my blouse with the rising of my arms. Once he had thrown it to the floor, I leaned back in to hold his face and occupy his lips. He had only used one hand to unbutton his blue shirt before I suddenly found my hands sliding onto his bare, chiseled chest. His skin radiated warmth to my fingers as I began tracing the outline of where I could feel his immortal heartbeat. My eyes traveled back to his with my sigh-filled grin, before I leaned my neck and led my lips to gently kiss the center of his chest. With each kiss I slowly made my way up to his chin until they once again met his own lips.
I could feel his immortal strength soften with enough delicacy to gently lay me onto my back before his lips found mine once more. When they moved to my neck, I tilted my chin up in ecstasy at their warmth on my skin as they continued down to my collarbone, before my chest.
The only thoughts I could complete was that I wanted Liam to be near me, inside of me. Nothing about it frightened me. Nothing about anything in this moment frightened me, because in this moment we were both the same, bound together as one.
As his kisses made their way back to my lips, he lifted his face inches away to gaze upon me. His patient green eyes halted with resistance. I had never said it aloud, but there is something in the eye of a virgin that mentally stated it as true. Now that he could see that, he would not just steal my virginity like some common thief—a compassion that only heightened my desire for him. I placed my hand on the left side of his face before nodding with approval. He raised the back of his hand to brush the strands of hair out of my eye and lean his neck forward to kiss me delicately.
Liam supportively placed his palms flat against mine, letting me entwine my fingers with his as I slightly gasped at the sting. Luckily it wasn’t long before the warmth of his skin helped overcame the uncomfortable pain. I moved my hands into his dirty blonde hair as each thrust inside of me came with a passionate kiss from his tender lips. I could feel my love for him flow through me and into him as I lightly sighed into the air.
As I exhaled with finality, I felt the intense beat of my heart that was threatening
to jump from my chest. My body glistened slightly with sweat from the temperature of his body on mine. I could look nowhere else but into the deep brightness of his stare as he positioned himself at my side. I breathed deeply as I wrapped my arms around his torso, feeling his kiss in my hair.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
I could hear the concern in his voice. I thought of what he was asking. I had felt a small throb but nothing worth mentioning. For the most part I felt his warmth still flowing on my skin. The other was already beginning to fade. So was I all right? I was better than that, and the smile on my face proved it.
“I’m not so naive as to think that you haven’t been with other women. But I just have to say that as far as human first experiences go, it doesn’t get any better than that for me. Surely not what I would have expected for my first time.”
“Any other experience I have had in my existence came to a halt tonight.” He paused to track the side of my face with his fingers. “That moment was one of the best of my existence, both human and immoral.”
I could feel the rush of blood to my cheeks.
“Good to know that it wasn’t too bad,” I said.
He lightly chuckled with me.
“I have never been with a woman that I actually carried any feeling of love for.”
“Never?” I asked.
“I have never been in love until you. It is very different when you are with someone that you love. A rare first for me.”
I lifted my head to see his face. There in his brightened eyes and lifted cheeks was the same bliss that carried through me. And like being struck by lightning, the piece of me I felt die had just been reborn. As I lay back in Liam’s arms, I could swear my body lifted.
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