Matt’s bottom lip trembled as he looked up at her out of Travis’s eyes. “I really do wish Travis could be my daddy. I wish it so hard, Mom! I’m gonna tell God ‘bout it tonight, but…do you think God’ll listen to me, Mom? I mean, I been tryin’ to be real good, but…” He swallowed a sob.
Randi nearly staggered under the pain as she moved toward him and bent to take him in her arms. Dear Lord, help me. Help me respond without hurting him. Help me erase the sadness in his eyes. “Matt, darling, listen to me. You are good, and I don’t doubt for a minute that God knows it. He knows everything.”
“Yeah, but will He do it, Mom? Will He make Travis my daddy?” Tears trembled through the plaintive query, and she felt them clogging her throat, as well.
“I…I can’t answer for the Lord, son,” she stammered, “but I do believe He hears our prayers. As for answering them, though…well, God does what’s best for us, though we may not always agree. Sometimes we just have to wait and see what He has in mind.”
It was a temporary answer at best; but how could she give him a more definitive one when she didn’t know where she herself stood with Travis? Fortunately it seemed to satisfy Matt. With a sniffle, he nodded against her chest.
She gave him a squeeze, then somehow managed, in a more cheerful voice, “Hey, isn’t it nearly time for ‘Barney’?”
He brightened instantly, and Randi swore eternal gratitude for the smiling dinosaur, syrupy lyrics and all.
“Barney’s great, isn’t he, Mom?” Matt asked with a grin. As Randi helped him out of the wedding clothes, he broke into the familiar lyrics about love and a happy family.
A happy family, her inner voice taunted. If only she hadn’t blown it. If only she wasn’t such a coward.
A FEW DAYS LATER Randi hurried out of the elevator at work, car keys in hand. It was after two in the morning, and she was bone-tired. Yet her shift in the ER had been no more demanding than usual; she knew her exhaustion had to do with sleeping poorly, not the job.
She’d been having disturbing dreams. Or, rather, a single recurring dream. But it wasn’t one of the nightmares she’d suffered before. Those, thank heaven, had disappeared once she’d begun addressing her buried memories in counseling.
But this dream was no less troubling. It began with Matt saying his prayers. Prayers that asked God fervently if Travis could be his daddy. Then the scene shifted, and Matt was there again, but he was all grown-up; he looked just like Travis, yet she knew it was Matt, because he spoke to her: “Why’d you do it, Mom?” he asked. “Why’d you hide my daddy away?”
Quelling the stab of guilt summoned by the vivid image, Randi hurried toward the employees’ parking garage. The underground space was brightly lit; a scattering of cars belonging to those on the night shift threw stark shadows on its cement floor and walls as she made her way to the Jeep.
The Cherokee was parked in a far corner. As she approached, one of the shadows detached itself from the concrete. She gave a start, halting at the sound of an all-toofamiliar voice.
“Randi?”
Travis. She wasn’t prepared for this. Why had he come? What did he want?
“I’m sorry I startled you.” Travis saw her unvoiced questions and read the dismay in her eyes. “And if you want me to leave, I will. But I’m hopin’ you’ll give me a few minutes, Randi. Just a few minutes…please?”
He was handsome as ever, although about his mouth and eyes she detected lines of tiredness that hadn’t been there before. She watched him search her face, and his eloquent gaze shone silver in the artificial light. Her heart gave a little twist as memories swirled and imploded in her brain….
Sitting on a moonlit beach, sharing marshmallows and champagne…his boyish grin as he offered her a bouquet of wildflowers…his solid strength beside her as he drove through a storm while she held their child in her arms…his laughter, merging with hers over funny stories about her father…his gentle careful hands on her body while she—God, she had to stop this!
“Travis, it’s—” she swallowed around the painful lump in her throat, began again. “It’s awfully late, and…” She heaved a sigh. “All right, then. What is it?”
“A couple of things.” He tried for a reassuring smile, but didn’t quite succeed. “First, it’s about the apology I kept tryin’ to make all those times I called. I was way off base with that cruise idea, Randi, and I’m so godawful sorry. Sorrier than I can put into words, but…well, words are all I have right now.” He shrugged helplessly.
When she didn’t say anything, he went on, watching her face, trying to gauge her mood. “And I’m sorry I dragged your sister into it. It was all my idea, and Jill only went along reluctantly. She’s not to blame for—”
“Maybe you should be telling that to Jill!” she snapped. She’d been stung to learn of Jill’s participation, but had long since put it behind her; she’d figured her sister was as much a victim of Travis’s machinations as she was. She knew how persuasive he could be. “I haven’t mentioned it to her myself, but if you’ve got a guilty conscience, you might—”
“Uh, I have actually, but I…well, I just wanted to touch base with you on that score.”
He’d been talking with Jill? She supposed it shouldn’t surprise her; she was aware of the good rapport the two of them had, and she knew Jill had arranged for his visits with Matt. Still, the notion that they’d been discussing other things—discussing her—didn’t sit well. “Oh? And what else have you two been discussing?” she asked testily.
Travis stifled a sigh. This wasn’t going well at all. Still, he had to try, especially since Jill had given him an ultimatum regarding what he was about to say. “Well, now that you ask, we—Jill and I, that is—think you oughtta know ‘bout somethin’ she, uh, once told me.”
Randi felt a premonition of dread. A lump of ice settled in her chest as she caught the look in his eyes. Was he saying…? No. Jill would never have told him any of that. She couldn’t have!
“Randi, Jill confided in me. Weeks ago. She, uh, told me all about herself. Told me what happened to her when she was a kid. ‘Bout the…abuse. She wanted me to know.”
There was a loud humming in her ears as she stood there, desperately trying to make sense of this. Of why Jill would impart such knowledge to Travis. And weeks ago, he’d said Dear God, weeks ago, he’d been a virtual stranger! “But I d-don’t understand,” she stammered. “Why? How…?”
“Because I was deeply worried, Randi, ‘bout you and Matt. I knew somethin’ was wrong, somethin’ that was makin’ you afraid. Of me. Of men. All kinds of crazy ideas were goin’ around in my head. And so I asked Jill about it, and…and that’s when she told me.”
“She told you,” Randi repeated dully. It didn’t seem possible. None of this seemed real. If Jill had shared that with him, had he guessed the rest? When she, herself, had stumbled on the harrowing truth about herself on the Sarah Anne, had Travis already known?
He saw the turmoil on her face and rushed to explain. “It was her history I heard, Randi, not yours, except in directly. You’d been affected, she said. Frightened by what you’d witnessed as a kid.” He gave her a look so intense she nearly stepped back from the force of it. “And that’s all she told me, I swear it.”
“But…but it was private! It was family business. Aside from the professionals who helped, no one who’s still alive knows about it, except David, and he’s as good as family. Why would Jill tell you?”
Pain lanced through him. Because I’m family, too. Because at the time she told me Jill recognized this even if you didn’t. Knew my involvement with Matt had gone far beyond biological ties. Jill knew I loved him, dammit!
As the silent words rang in his mind, Travis fought to hide the pain and form a reply; he was here to try to rebuild the shattered trust between them, not aim accusations that would only drive her further away.
“Maybe,” he began carefully, “she did it for Matt’s sake, Randi. I don’t know, but she did it. It was only the ot
her day, when we talked on the phone, that we…we agreed it was time to let you know.”
What Jill had said actually was that she’d no longer be bound by his insistence that Randi not know he’d been told. “I don’t know what went on between you two recently,” she’d added, “but I’ve got a feeling it has to do with trust. Trust isn’t something my sister has in great supply, and I don’t want to add to that insecurity. It’s time all our cards were on the table, Travis. If you don’t find a way to tell her, I will.”
Randi didn’t move. Was that pain she’d glimpsed in his eyes? She couldn’t tell; she was wrestling with her own pain. What kept going round and round in her head was how terribly vulnerable she was to him. He knew the most intimate things about her—the shame of her past, her fears, the way those fears were impinging on the present in ways she was only beginning to understand. And all the while, in the back of her mind, she could still hear Matt’s voice in the dream—Why’d you hide my daddy away?
Dear God, help me! I don’t know what to do!
Travis felt something in him twist and tear at the trapped look in her eyes. Maybe it had been a mistake to come. For all his good intentions, he always seemed to make things worse. Maybe she’d be better off if he just let it alone. Hadn’t he learned he wasn’t in charge here? Had the exchange with Troy taught him nothing?
The uncertain silence yawned between them like a vast sea, with the two of them on opposite shores. Finally Travis remembered the last, but most critical, reason he’d come. There was one thing more he had to say to her. One thing, and then he’d leave.
“Randi, before I go, there’s somethin’ I need you to know.”
He paused, and she realized he was waiting for her to acknowledge something. The importance of what he was about to tell her? Her assurance that she’d listen? It was so unlike him she nearly winced, unprepared for the stab of regret she felt; of all she’d regarded as characteristic of him, his utter self-confidence had always topped the list. Oh, Travis, have I made you so uncertain? I never meant to. But I’m still so afraid, don’t you see? I’m afraid!
Saying none of this, she managed a tight nod and tried to look away, but his gaze caught hers and didn’t let go.
“Randi, listen to me.” He took a step toward her, saw her stiffen ever so slightly and backed away with a sigh.
“First of all,” he told her gravely, “I give you this promise. I won’t lay a hand on you, touch you again in any way, unless you ask me to. Not ever. Do you understand?”
“I think so.”
He shook his head. “Not good enough, darlin’. I need you to be sure. When I say I won’t touch you, it’s because I couldn’t bear it if there was fear in your eyes when I did. I’m puttin’ you in the driver’s seat with this, Randi. You and nobody else. Now do you understand?”
Slowly nodding, she was aware of the irony in her response. He was giving her control! Even as she sought to relinquish her need to control so many other things in her life. But in the arena of what went on between a man and a woman, she knew he was right to do this; she wasn’t ready to relinquish control there, not yet. Maybe never.
“Beyond that,” he went on quietly, “no matter what happens, I want you to know I’ll always be here for you, Randi. If you need me, that is. If you ask. Because I think I understand what it must’ve been like. To be vulnerable and helpless, with no one to go to when…when the need was there. No one to protect you.
“And your private history’s safe with me. I’ll guard it—and you—with my life. That’s a promise, too. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect you, Randi—even if it’s from myself. I’d cut off my arm before I’d ever hurt you or let harm come to you. And if that means…never seein’ you again, you’ve got it—though you have to know, too, that’s not what I want. You’re that important to me, Randi. You ‘n’
Matt.”
With this he turned and walked away, his footsteps echoing in the cavernous underground space. She watched him go, wanting to call him back and tell him how his words had touched her. How he’d become important to her, too. Wanting to, but not knowing how.
SEVERAL NIGHTS LATER Jill looked up from the wedding invitations she was addressing when she heard Randi come in. The sound of cheerful humming echoed from the foyer, and she grinned to herself. Randi had been to a counseling session, and from the sound of things, it had gone well.
“Hey, sis,” Randi said as she stuck her head in the door of Jill’s office, “you’re working kind of late tonight.”
“Oh, it’s not decorator stuff. Just a few last-minute additions to the guest list.” Jill leaned back in her chair-and motioned her in. “How’s it going, kid?”
Randi knew the question could be taken generally or specifically, referring to her session. Jill never pried, leaving it up to Randi to confide in her or not.
In the beginning, in the difficult days after the trauma of the Sarah Anne, Randi had told her nothing. She knew she’d returned from those early sessions in a bad humor—angry, upset, often near tears—and Jill had wisely left her alone. But lately the sessions had begun to feel better. She was making progress. By inches, it felt sometimes, with occasional minor setbacks, but progress nonetheless.
“I’m finally getting a handle on it, Jill,” she said, smiling. “Carol’s so darned good at what she does—but I don’t need to tell you that.” The smile turned to an impish grin. “You really should’ve convinced me to go back to her years ago.”
“What!” Jill pretended to throw a pen at her. Randi pretended to duck. Then they broke into laughter.
It was a watershed moment. When they’d collected themselves, Randi fell into a chair and began to talk. To share the intimate details she hadn’t been ready to share before, not even with Jill.
She began with the truth, the key fact that had been eluding her for years: that she had suffered exactly what Jill had. Jill prudently refrained from telling her she’d always known, instead reaching out for her sister wordlessly as she came around the desk. The moment was cathartic; they wept in each other’s arms.
But Randi wasn’t done. It was like a dam had broken, releasing a river that had been held to a trickle for years. She told her everything. About the terrible dreams that had been pushing at her conscious mind, urging her to recall the past as it had really been; about her denial and the need to block; about her need to control and how this had been affecting her life, especially her parenting, as Jill had noticed. And then how she’d begun to do something about it.
Finally she talked about Travis. About her inability to trust him, to open herself up to him. Despite a growing attraction that, surprisingly, was physical, but also emotional, and growing stronger all the time. Despite his demonstrating-he was good and kind and decent. Despite knowing he loved Matt and cared deeply for her, as well.
“I know it’s the control thing again, with how I feel about him, Jill. But things are slowly changing,” she added as she finished. “I can feel it. It’s…like a heavy chain has been dragging at your ankles for years, but suddenly it’s lighter, and you know that one day soon you’ll wake up and it won’t be there anymore, y’know?”
“I know,” Jill said softly, blinking back tears.
“Yeah, I guess you do.” They smiled at each other.
“So,” Jill said after a moment, “what’s next, or shouldn’t I ask?”
Randi sighed. “Oh, you can ask. I just don’t know if I have all the answers—or even if I ever will.”
It was the first uncertainty Jill had heard. “Travis?” she asked gently.
“Travis. I didn’t handle him at all well, Jill. I mean, I accused him of such terrible things that night on the yacht. Of scheming and lying to me and—”
“You might’ve accused me of those things, too,” Jill cut in wryly. “I mean, I was in on it.”
“I know,” Randi said with a rueful smile. “But I didn’t have a problem with you.”
“Uh-huh, because you don’t have a problem trust
ing me.”
Randi nodded. “He told me about…about how you confided in him a while back, you know. About…”
“I was wondering if you were ever gonna bring that up. Randi, are you angry with me for telling him? Upset?”
“I guess I was at first, but he explained your reasons, and you know, it’s odd, but I was more upset with him than I was with you for telling him.” She sighed. “Guess I didn’t handle that too well, either.”
“The trust thing again.”
“Yes, just as it was on that darn cruise.” Randi gave her head a wry shake. “You know, Jill, it’s funny, but with a better understanding of my underlying fear of men, of relationships, I’m beginning to see how I used that little escapade he organized as an excuse to…to cop out. It wasn’t really his so-called deceit that made me cry off. It was the fear at work. The buried terror that—”
“But, honey, surely you can tell him that. Talk to him. He’s not an unreasonable man.”
“Oh, Jill, if only it were that simple. But I’m still not comfortable that way around men. Around him. You know, speaking the way we are now—intimately. I mean, look how long it’s taken me to talk to you about all this. And it’s not only that. You see, I’m afraid I…Oh, never mind.”
“What, love?” Jill felt her heart turn over at the sadness and regret she glimpsed in her sister’s eyes.
Randi swallowed a sob. “I blew it, Jill. I rejected him, pure and simple. And now he’s gone. I mean, what man hangs around for more of that kind of thing? I blew it, and now when I feel I might be ready to try, I haven’t got the guts to reach out to him!” It would take a miracle.
“Oh, sweetheart—”
“Hey, enough of all this soul-baring!” Randi’s laugh was a little too quick as she rose to give her sister a peck on the cheek. “It’s my problem, not yours. G’night, love. Don’t stay up too late.”
Jill murmured in kind as the door closed. She stared absently for a long time at the wedding invitations in front of her, Randi’s words drifting through her mind. I blew it…I haven’t got the guts to reach out to him…my problem, not yours.
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