by Tillie Cole
I knew my strength as prez was about be tested more than ever. And no matter what I did, I couldn’t let us fall.
I had a bitch I loved more than life and a baby on the way.
All I had to do was stay alive . . .
. . . I just had to stay the fuck alive.
Chapter Thirteen
Bella
I clutched my hands to my chest as I watched the men disappear behind Rider—no, Cain—and I felt my heart break in two as his bright white tunic became engulfed in a smother of black.
“Rider,” I whispered as he faded from view. I wanted to run after him, but my legs were too weak to move. I blinked away the tears that were still falling.
Everything they had accused him of, he had done.
He had admitted to it all.
Lilah, my beautiful Lilah. He had hurt her . . . her beautiful long hair was cut short and her previously flawless face was scarred . . . all because of Rider. I could not believe it. Because the man I had fallen for through the barrier of the stone wall, the man I had slept beside each night for the past week—his hands caressing my face, never pushing me for anything more than a simple innocent touch—could not have been capable of such atrocities.
But Mae . . . he had kidnapped my Mae? Why? Why would he have done that? I just did not understand any of it.
“Bella?” Mae was walking toward me, Maddie and Lilah looking on.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Was all that true? Was everything that man with the long blond hair said true?”
“Ky.” I opened my eyes to see Lilah standing next to Mae. Maddie flanked her other side, and just for the briefest of moments, I stared at my three sisters and my heart swelled to an impossible degree. Tears fell down my cheeks.
I had missed them so much.
“Bella,” Maddie said softly and edged nervously from the group. She stopped in front of me and reached up her hand to chase away my tears. I stared at my youngest sister. Her green eyes were bright and filled with something that they had never been filled with before—peace.
Maddie had found peace.
“How?” I asked.
Maddie, as if reading my thoughts, simply said one word. “Flame.”
My eyebrows pulled down in confusion. I did not understand. Mae threaded her arm around my shoulders. “We should go inside. There is much to tell.”
I looked through the gates of the compound and saw two men—no, boys really—also dressed in black. They were waiting to close the gates behind us, guns firmly fixed in their hands.
I let Mae guide me through. As soon as we cleared the gates, the two boys shut them. I jumped as metal clanked on metal. The younger-looking boy ducked his head and approached us.
“Madds,” he said, looking at my younger sister. “She looks just like you.”
“She is my older sister, Ash.”
His eyes widened. “I thought she died.”
Maddie pressed her hand on Ash’s arm. “So did I,” she said. “Bella, this is Ash, Flame’s younger brother. He has recently joined us too.”
The confusion was back. Maddie held up her left hand. She was wearing a ring. “Flame is my husband,” she said proudly.
A light, fluttering sensation filled my chest, replacing the heavy weight that had been suffocating me since they took Rider away. “Maddie,” I whispered, seeing a small, sweet smile tugging on her lips. “You have found love? Real love?”
Maddie nodded her head. “Yes. Of the deepest kind.” I had to roll my lips together to stop them from trembling. My little Maddie. My timid and scared Maddie had gained what in our previous life in the commune I feared she would never be able to have—true love. Someone to care for her like she deserved. Someone to break the evil that was thrust upon her by Brother Moses.
I looked at Mae and Lilah. Lilah too wore a ring, as did Mae. “You are both married too?” Lilah nodded her head, but Mae shook hers.
Mae smoothed her hands over her long, flowing black dress, and her lips began to form into a happy smile. She cradled her stomach protectively. “Bella, I am with child.”
“Mae,” I whispered, pure astonishment causing my words to catch in my throat. But then a deep panic set within me. She was not married like my sisters, yet she was with child. Had someone hurt her . . . had they touched her against her will . . . had they . . . ?
Mae placed a reassuring arm over my shoulder. “I am in love, Bella. We are engaged. We just have yet to get married. But I love him with all my heart regardless. We are already married in every way that counts to me.”
I recalled the men my sisters had stood beside. “The one with dark hair. The leader who did not speak,” I said. Mae nodded.
“Styx,” she informed me. “His name is Styx . . . or River to me.”
My gaze traveled over my sisters, and a calmness settled in my heart. Lilah brushed away my hair. I looked at her face. The scar on her cheek was prominent, and she was clearly in pain. But she was happy too. I could see it in her expression.
Peace. They had all found peace.
“You are all happy,” I said. I was still for several seconds. A sob burst from my throat.
“Bella,” Maddie cried out, but I stepped back and held out my hand to stop her approach. I did not recognize the feeling that had taken root in my stomach. On the one hand, I was delirious with happiness that my sisters, the only family I had ever known, were alive . . . and they were safe. All I had ever wanted for them was happiness. For them to be free. It was why I had told Mae to run. I wanted her to take Lilah and Maddie too and free them from their abusive cages.
And she actually had. It had clearly not been easy, but Mae had done for my sisters what I never could. She had saved them.
They were alive. They were at peace.
They were saved.
Rider’s face came to my mind. I could not get rid of the image of the pain in his eyes as he confessed to hurting my sisters. The blond man’s words came crashing back to me . . . Ask your fucked-up cunt of a man about how he kidnapped Mae and tried to force her to marry him. Ask him about how he captured Li and allowed her to be burned and gang raped by his prick of a twin and his pencil-dicked friends. Ask him about his fuckin’ insane obsession with Mae, only to fuckin’ turn up with you, her fuckin’ mirror image . . .
“The blond man,” I said to Lilah.
“He is my husband. His name is Ky,” she said. Hearing that made everything worse. Because if that was true, he loved Lilah with all that he was. He would not lie about what had happened to her. Deep down I knew it was true. I had heard the pain in his voice.
“He really did all of that?” I asked, almost inaudibly. My voice could not muster any strength. “Rider. Cain. He hurt you all like that?” My sisters looked at one another in concern. “Tell me!” I shouted, piercing the silence of the night.
Maddie jumped. Sympathy flooded Lilah and Mae’s faces. I shook my head, unable to believe it. That Rider could have done all of this . . . to my sisters . . . the only people I had ever loved in this godforsaken life.
“Let us go to my home,” Mae said. I followed as she took us to a vehicle. Ash, Maddie’s husband’s brother, drove us there. But I did not remember much of the journey. A strange numbness had taken me captive and I did not even try to escape.
When the vehicle stopped. I looked up to see a wooden house at the end of a small path. It was beautiful. Mae guided me out of the vehicle. “This is my house. I share it with Styx.”
I nodded silently and let her, Lilah and Maddie escort me through the front door and into a kitchen. It was unlike the basic kitchens I was familiar with in the commune. It was a mixture of silver metal and wood, the silver devices so shiny I could see my reflection in their buffed surfaces. The countertops were black, speckled with silver glass. Beyond the kitchen area, soft carpets in rich, warm colors lay on polished wooden floors. Large windows were elegantly dressed with beautiful floral curtains. The house smelled of freshly baked bread and a hint of a spiced, musky sce
nt.
Mae moved to the stove to boil some water. Maddie helped Lilah to a chair at a large table. I stayed in the doorway, watching as they moved around the opulent room with ease and familiarity.
I had never felt more alone.
My sisters had survived, they had found new lives . . . and they had found a place in the world without me. This strange new world where I did not recognize the smells and sounds. A world that I feared; a world where I knew I did not belong.
“Rider,” I whispered and felt each of my sisters freeze. I did not see them though; my eyes had focused on a knot of wood on the floor and my sight had blurred. “He is a good man,” I stated. “He is a kind man. I know he is.”
“Bella,” Mae said cautiously, after many seconds. “Come here.” I blinked away the blur from my eyes and saw her gesture to a spare chair around her table.
My stomach lurched.
I did not know what to do here in this place. I did not know how to act around my sisters after so long apart. The feeling almost destroyed me as much as any schooling from Brother Gabriel had ever done. Because these women were my lifeline, they were my safety. They were all I ever used to think about when I feared I could not cope. I had lived for them.
But now I was confused. My head was a thick fog. And I . . . I . . .
I wanted Rider. I needed Rider.
My hand burned as if I could feel his comforting fingers threading through my own. If I concentrated hard enough I could almost hear his gruff voice whisper “Harmony” through the thick stone wall. His voice echoed in my head, and my heart started to beat in the regular rhythm it had lost when he was taken away. When I was with him, my lungs allowed me to breathe. I felt whole. I did not feel lost.
I felt . . . complete.
I closed my eyes, and it did not surprise me that my mind transported me back to the small cellblock in New Zion. I found it ironic really. I had spent my entire life yearning to be free. Yet I knew that the only time I had ever felt anything remotely close to freedom was in the captivity of those four stone walls, with that strong, safe hand wrapped in mine.
Mae cleared her throat, and I opened my eyes. I sat down on the chair she held out for me and almost broke as she leaned down and pressed a kiss to my head. She sat down, the four Cursed Sisters reunited in this wooden almost-paradise.
“This housing . . . ” I did not know how to explain the strangeness I felt that my sister lived in such a place.
Mae blushed, but I knew it was not in pride. She was embarrassed by this. I used to know my sister. I used to know each of these girls by heart—every expression, every soft-spoken word. Now, I stood on the outside, looking in on their newly found, and much-deserved, happiness.
“It is too much,” Mae said as I cast my eyes around her home. I knew by Maddie’s and Lilah’s faces that they must live in homes just as grand.
“Never be embarrassed for being free,” I said facing them again. I meant every word. “Freedom never comes without sacrifice. Be joyous in the reward. I am sure you deserve all of this.”
“Bella,” Lilah said. “What happened?” Her expression was pained. I immediately covered her hand with my own, the maternal role I had always adopted with Lilah pushing to the surface. “I came to you . . . when Mae had left. I came to sit with you at the punishment cell, even though you had passed.” She sucked in a breath. “But you were gone.” Her face contorted in pain. Maddie took Lilah’s other hand, and I knew then that Maddie had been there too. She had come to say goodbye too. “I thought they had disposed of your body already. But . . . but I was clearly wrong . . . you were alive and I never came to your aid.”
“You did not know. How were you to ever believe my heart was still beating?”
“Because I should have checked somehow,” Mae spoke up. “I should never have assumed you had passed. I should have somehow got into that cell and tried to save you.”
“You cannot . . . ” I whispered. “You cannot blame any of this on yourself.” Heat and anger flooded my chest when I remembered Brother Gabriel, when I remembered that night.
“Bella,” Maddie said softly, and I looked into her big green eyes.
“It was all him,” I said through gritted teeth, shaking my head as I tried to banish the memory of that final meeting from my mind. But I could not.
“Tell us,” Mae pleaded. So I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes and took myself back to the days I vowed I would never relive again. Because it hurt too much.
But I would do it for my sisters.
We were back together, and everything had to be explained . . .
*****
I blinked into the darkness of Brother Gabriel’s room. My body felt like a dead weight. My cheek throbbed and my head pounded so much that I felt it all the way to my skull.
I tried to shift my legs, but had to stifle a choked moan. The pain in my head was nothing to the agony between my legs. I inhaled through my nose as I endeavored to breathe through the pain.
It was no use, the agony was too great. I slowly brought my arm down to my bare thighs. I fought back nausea when I felt warm liquid on my skin, at the apex of my thighs—blood.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. The salt from the droplets stung my cut skin, but I let the tears fall. I was tired. I was so, so tired. And not just of the pain that Brother Gabriel had brought me over the past few weeks. But of it all.
All because I had snapped.
For years I had been subjected to his torture. Daily Lord’s Sharings where he would take me in whichever way he chose. I was helpless to do anything.
The worst pain came when I would see my sisters beside me. All of us would be crouched down, heads to the floor, with our hands behind our backs. I would look into their eyes and try to give them silent comfort. But day by day, year by year, I saw their lights fading. I saw the life draining from their souls.
I was their older sister. They looked to me for help . . . yet I could do nothing. I had to endure the knowledge that we were trapped in this life.
The door opened and Brother Gabriel entered. But this time I did not freeze. He could do nothing more to me than had already been done. He could not hurt me anymore. I had no cries left to give. I had no energy left to hold on to.
Gabriel lived for my cries; my tears were his lifeblood. He lived to see his devil-cursed charge fall. And I had always fallen. As a child I had always cried as he pushed himself within me. I had screamed as I felt him tear through my innocence, helpless to move due to the trap between my legs.
I had always been submissive . . . until a few days ago. There was no real spark that caused me to strike out. There was nothing major that had happened to cause me to defy the prophet’s orders to serve Gabriel in any way he chose.
It was simply that I had had enough. Everyone would break at some point.
When Gabriel had called me to join with him, when he’d stripped me bare and rammed his fingers inside me, the nails tearing at my channel’s flesh, I had reached out and grabbed his wrist. I had acted on impulse and jerked out of his hold. I pushed him back and struck him across the face, dug my nails into the flesh of his cheeks. Then I had run. I had run for the door. But Gabriel had tackled me and delivered a strike of his own.
I had started a war.
His strength had overpowered me and he pinned my naked body to the floor. His large body crawled over me, and I saw the flicker of challenge in his eyes. “Jezebel . . . you seem to have lost your mind.”
“Get off me,” I hissed back.
Gabriel’s eyes widened in shock. I had never spoken to him that way before. I had never spoken to him at all. “There she is,” he said smugly . . . knowingly. “I always knew the devil inside would one day show its ugly head.” He leaned down and ran the tip of his nose along my cheek. “I knew one day this battle would come to pass. The sinful demon inside your heart would come to take back control.” He stilled, then slowly drew back his head. His eyes locked on mine. “And I welcome this fight, Jezebel. I will
purify you of your sin.”
“Do not touch me.” I snapped and tried to break free from his grip.
Gabriel took both of my hands in one of his and trailed the other down over my breasts and stomach, until it aggressively cupped my core. I squeezed my eyes shut as his fingers scraped along my folds. He leaned over me, his breath dusting across my face. “I will touch you, whore. I will touch you over and over until you know your place in this world. You are forbidden to refuse anything I ask of you. And it is my duty to ensure you are punished according to our scriptures.”
He removed his hand from between my legs, and a second later he slammed himself inside me. I screamed out as the agony of his unwanted intrusion swept over my body. I cried out again when the back of his hand sliced across my face. But the cries soon stopped when I grew numb. And I had not cried in all the days since.
He was going to kill me, and I would die without giving him the victory of my pain.
I stayed absolutely still as my mind brought me back to the present. Gabriel’s wandering hand began traveling up the back of my thigh. His fingers passed through the wet blood. Passed through his seed that still remained on my skin. He crawled over me and thrust himself inside. So I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes and prayed for God to take me. I no longer wanted to be here in this place. I no longer wanted this life.
I let the darkness take me.
When I next opened my eyes, I thought what I had wished for had come true. But when I managed to raise my head, I saw that I was inside a small cell. Metal bars covered the door. And I was cold. I was so, so cold. My head was full and clogged with a thick fog and I could not concentrate. I was thirsty. My lips were cracked and sore.
I could not feel my body.
“Bella,” I heard a voice cry from outside my cell.